The Damaged Soul by Troy Calkins

We follow father to the docks where the crew prepares the ship to sail out once the All-Clan Meeting is finished. Shields are hung on the side of the ship; barrels of water and dried food are stored below along with crates of weapons. The sea navigator, Varin Hialtisson, father of Sigvid, father of Griotgard and Solmund and their siblings, checks the health of the ship with his apprentice, Skardi, showing him the ropes of what it means to navigate the sea.

It is said he has a natural affinity for the task and it doesn’t surprise me one bit. Skardi has always been keen with this sort of thing. Although I must admit I am a bit worried. His skin has started turning a dark gray color from those mushrooms he keeps eating. However, I’ve also noticed he can hear things from great distances that no one should be able to hear. Is this because of those mushrooms? Several days ago, Thorkel was telling me how he was going through Thormar’s maps and plans to sail west, and they were actually pretty good. They’ve piqued his own interest. Skardi must’ve been two or three ship lengths away, and Thorkel was hardly whispering when Skardi came up and asked about the plans, mentioning things that Thorkel just said. We were both amazed. I might consider eating the mushrooms myself if it weren’t for that odd way they change your skin color.

Father gathers the crew around him on the top deck. Just as it’ll be my first time out on a raid at sea, Skardi, Solmund, and Skarf Cnutsson will also be out for the first time. It feels good to have friends out at sea.

My father looks at all his men, who are hungry for battle, and smiles. “It’s time for us to raid again.”

The crew holler and cheers. Father continues. “That’s what we do. We are Vikings! We raid and take what is ours!” The crew bangs anything they can to show their approval. “However, when I say we, I mean you all, with my son Thorkel leading this time around. I will not be coming this season.”

Even though most expected this, since Father has been grooming Thorkel to take over ever since the first time he went out to raid, many show their signs of disappointment. “It is about time I passed the torch to my son. I’ll be staying back and doing what Earls are apparently supposed to do. At least that is what my wife has been telling me ever since I’ve taken over as Earl.”

The crew snickers and Beorcol gives them a grin. “As you all have witnessed, he is as capable as a man can be of taking my place. I expect you to all follow him as if he is me. You know him, you’ve raided with him, and you can trust him to lead you. Since Thorkel is your captain now, I suppose I should start the passing of the torch and allow him to address you all.” says our father.

“Did you hear that? Father thinks I’m a capable man.” A roar of laughter erupts from the crew as Thorkel grins widely. Then he clears his throat as he gets a stern look from father. “Right… Well, to the point. We will go out at first light the day after we get back from the All-Clan Meeting, and we will head south. You’ll be joined by Koll Alriksson, Einar Alriksson, and Throst Thorhalldottir as usual. Koll will lead the raid and Throst will be second in command, followed by Einar and myself. The chain of command of the crew will be as it was when father led, with Rognvald as second, Varin as third, and so on. We will avoid any of the Golden Company fleets and focus on easy targets. Single merchants. We won’t take any unnecessary risks. We can always get more gold, but it is hard to get more trustworthy and honorable Vikings such as yourselves. Those have to be built through hardships, as my father has taught us all. And I say with full confidence that you all are among the most honorable and trustworthy I’ve had the honor of raiding with. You’ve all taught me how to be a true Viking, and I am grateful for that. I see you all as brothers and sisters of the North. So, we must keep ourselves alive. And besides, your families are counting on you coming home. We can’t be stupid and throw our lives away for gold or any other treasure.”

The crew nods, and the respect they have for my brother is shown on their faces as plain as the sun in the sky. I hope to one day have that kind of respect. I admire both my father and my brother more than anyone else. They are both men with the utmost honor, and the men follow them because they have proven themselves in battle. I, however, have not. I still haven’t even proven myself in a fight. Sure, I’ve joined many scuffles since the time I stood back and watched my brother and my friends fight with Grom. But this… This is different. I was never worried about dying in a scuffle with a clan mate. But here, life and death lie on a sword stroke. To say I’m nervous would be like calling our ship a row boat. I’m terrified.

I feel sick to my stomach, and the worst part is that father won’t be here. I am thankful that Thorkel will be with me as he always is, aside from the last few summers when he was with my father raiding. I understand why father is not coming. He is needed here, but I just wish he’d come. It would certainly ease the tension in my gut.

As the meeting finishes, Thorkel and I help the crew finish preparations with the ship before we head home to our wives and children. I hold my baby boy, Hrut, in my arms and wish I didn’t have to leave him or my beautiful wife, Arni. She watches us with a worried smile. I can see the sad look in her eyes. She doesn’t want me to leave either. I just hope she and my son will be safe until I return. One good thing about my father staying is I know my wife and child will be safe with him here. Of course, with my mother and Aunt Sigvor here as well, no harm could ever come to them. My aunt may not like violence, but that doesn’t mean she is helpless. Even the fiercest warrior could never stand up to my mother or my aunt.

The thought of it amuses me and puts a smile on my lips, but it quickly fades away when I look down at my son as he sleeps in my arms. He is so peaceful. Sometimes I wish he didn’t have to grow up. Then he would never know war and death. I wish he could remain innocent. But these are hard times, and we need all the hands we can get to face off enemies like the Southern Tyrants and the elves.

---

Thorkel and I stay behind for the meeting of the clans to spend time with our newborns before we set off to raid. They were only gone for two days, but my father insisted that we stay with our babies. There is nothing more important to our clan than family. And with family, what could be more important than taking care of a newborn baby?

Besides, there’s no telling how long we will be gone on my first time out at sea, and I am glad I didn’t leave as I hold my son in my arms. The way he sleeps is so peaceful. He is so tiny. His hand is no longer than my smallest finger. His little feet can’t even hold him up, but I know he will grow to be big and strong. That is the way of all Krakens.

My wife comes back out of the bedroom from her nap and as soon as she sees us, that warm smile of hers fills me with even more joy. She saunters over and plants a kiss on my cheek and one on Hrut’s tiny little forehead. I look up at her and get lost in the sea within her eyes. She is the light of my world. The sun that brings me warmth, and this little baby in my arms is the stars that give me hope on even the darkest nights.

Semet has been a blessing with her help. She spends a lot of time in our room assisting us. Arni has even moved her in with us. She sleeps on a slave bed next to the baby and she is always quick to step in and take care of little Hrut, watching over him to allow Arni and me to get some alone time. We spend much of it napping in each other’s arms. I could hold her within my embrace for the rest of my life. She fits perfectly in my arms. I spend much of the day taking care of her and the child with Semet’s help while making plans with Thorkel. We go over the supplies for the hundredth time. For being mostly the laid-back one, Thorkel is thorough in his preparations.

While it’s the three of us with baby Hrut, Arni sits down in my lap as I admire her. She looks deep into my eyes. “I want to take the collar off of Semet. I trust her only second to you and Asfrid. She deserves to have it off. She says it makes her feel awful and weak. Right Semet?”

Semet nods.

“Hasn’t Semet always worn the collar? How does she know it’s the collar that makes her feel weak and sick?” I ask.

Arni takes a deep breath in. “I… I may have been taking her collar off when we’re alone and letting her practice her magic. She can heal with it.”

I look at Arni with my jaw gaping. “You’ve taken her collar off? If people found out, they would panic. No one trusts elves or their magic here Arni. People have lost too many of their loved ones to elves.”

Arni bites her lip. “But… It makes her physically weak and ill. She needs that thing off. It’s not just about the magic, the thing makes her weaker and weaker the longer she wears it. I can’t just let her wither away. She’s my friend.”

I sigh. “You’re right. We can’t let her suffer like that. This is what we’ll do. We’ll make another collar that looks like the one she’s wearing, but it won’t have any magic on it at all. We can just swap them out. No one will know the difference unless someone catches her doing magic. You can keep teaching her, but just don’t do it where anybody is watching.”

She kisses me on the cheek. “Thank you. I just wish she didn’t have to wear one at all. It’s so demeaning and cruel.”

---

I spend part of my day working on making the new, identical collar. I’m not as good as a leatherworker as I am a blacksmith, and I’m not even that good of a blacksmith. My work is shoddy at best. At least that’s what the old dwarf Aldam always said. Eventually, I settle for something that is slightly off in color and a little thinner. I also added a soft padded linen lining to make it more comfortable. No one will see it. Arni isn’t wrong. She shouldn’t have to wear the collar.

Once I finish, we pull Semet aside in our room. I will not lie. For some reason, I am nervous about it all. I know she’s been with us for a long time, but it’s hard to forget that she is an elf and she could easily use that magic against me. Arni’s parents were killed by elves. But reluctantly, I take her collar off and her face flushes with life as she breathes in deeply. That sweet, innocent smile lights up her face, and the spark returns to her deep green eyes that now glow brightly.

Then I put the other collar on. Her face reddens as her eyes fall to the ground, too ashamed to meet mine. I let out a sigh and I feel deeply guilty. “I’m sorry you have to wear this. Just so you know, you will never be a slave in our eyes.”

Those bright green eyes meet mine and there’s a genuine smile. “Thank you, you do not know how much this means to me. The world seems a lot brighter and more alive without that thing on. I feel like I can breathe again. And I’ve always cherished the two of you more than anything. You both have made me feel safe, and you make me feel like I’m worth something.”

I can’t help but smile. “You are worth more than just something. You gave Arngunn a friend when she needed it most, and you’ve stayed by her side ever since. For that, I owe you more than I can give. So let this be a start.”

---

As our clan returns from the meeting of the clans, they bring word of a prophecy that has changed everything.

The prophecy said that when the daughter of winter marches south, the north will follow and the daughter of a king will sit upon the throne. Some of the people in our town think it has to do with Thorkel’s daughter, Thora, and what Sigvor said upon the day of our joint wedding. But I don’t think so.

Sigvor said the Daughter of the Sea will be born, and that is far different from that Daughter of Winter. My father and the other clan Earls think it has to do with King Teowulf’s living heir, a daughter. She is said to have hair as white as snow and eyes that shimmer in an icy blue glow which I can confirm, for I have seen them myself. That definitely seems like someone who would be considered this Daughter of Winter, and she is the daughter of a king.

My father thinks this changes everything, and he is glad he is not going to raid because there is much that needs to be done, but he doesn’t believe it will come this soon, so we still plan to raid without him.

We prepare for our departure; I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire life, and yet… part of me doesn’t want to go. Every time I see the woman, I love holding our small baby, I cycle to stay here with them.

After we finish last-minute preparations, I hold my baby boy in my arms and look down upon him with amazement. To think I could help bring something this pure into the world is beyond me. He is perfect, and he gives my life joy.

Arni takes little Hrut from my arms and we join the rest of the family for supper. Bodvar, Svala, and Thormar pester Thorkel with questions about tomorrow’s raid. He obliges them, and it causes my stomach to tie into knots as I consider whether half the stories, he tells are true. Is there truly a ghost ship that sails the sea? That must be a tale he’s telling to scare them. Right?

“Are you ready for tomorrow, my son?” father asks as he puts a hand on my shoulder.

“As read as I will ever be,” I say.

“Good. Remember to listen and learn. Think before you act, but think quickly and act fast. Leave nothing to chance. Soon, your actions will be instinctual based on experience. Watch the backs of your fellow crew and be careful. Act with honor,” he says.

I nod, and he gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Are you afraid?”

“I’ll be honest, I am afraid,” I say. Why did I say that out loud? Vikings are not afraid.

“Good.” I look up at him, confused. “It is smart to be afraid. Only fools are fearless, and usually they do not live all that long. Remember this: those who have courage and bravery are not those without fear, but those who choose to stand and fight in the face of fear. And do not let fear control you, or any emotion for that matter. Emotions will always lead you astray. Set your feelings aside and become a stone in the wind. Embrace the void of emotion through deep breaths. But do not become too rigid and brittle. If you find your way blocked by a boulder, become like water and flow around it. But do not be too shapeless. Hold like a stone and be as impassable as a wall, but do not get stuck in one place. We are Vikings, after all. That is why we sail out at sea.”

“Yes father,” I say. He always has something wise to say, and it usually is filled with riddles. But I feel his meaning in these words is as plain as day. I must be those things he said in order to become a great Viking. “Thank you for your wisdom.”

“Of course, my son. Now eat, but do not get too full or you’ll regret it in the morning. Trust me, I know this from experience. Also, make sure to always have your crew eat first. It shows you will always look out for their best interests. And as I’ve told Thorkel many times, do not order your crew to do something that you yourself would not do,” he says with a wink and a smile. He pats my back before he leans over to mother, and I see his hand go under the table. My mother’s eyes go wide and a wry smile crosses her lips as she gives my father a sidelong look.

I look over at Arni who has our baby, but all I can think about is tomorrow. It makes my stomach clench. I try to force the food down, but it is hard to keep it down with all the seabirds flying around in my stomach. After supper, I head into bed early with my wife and child. She holds him until he falls back asleep. Then she lays him down in his little tiny cradle at our bedside and joins me in my arms. I thought I’d want to have sex with my wife one last time, but instead, I just want to hold her and feel her love as we lay here in the silence. No words need to be said. There are no words that could express our love for each other.

I am going to miss this. I’ll surely miss the way she fits so perfectly in my arms. And how my little Hrut’s tiny fingers wrap around one of my own. And seeing the way my love holds and cherishes our child. The child we made together and she bore. He is a part of us. As if we took a piece of our souls, combined it, and made it into flesh. This little baby has both of us within him, and I imagine he’s the best of us, hopefully without my own flaws. Of course, Arni doesn’t have a single flaw, so there’s nothing to worry about there. I wish I could take them with me, but the sea is no place for a mother and her child.

I try to stay awake for as long as possible so I can remember my wife’s beauty while I am out on the sea. I take in her tiny nose and how it fits so perfectly on her beautiful, soft face, especially with those luscious lips. I want to memorize the way they feel against my own. I don’t want to forget the way I feel when her warm hand touches my skin. These will truly be the things I miss the most, and they’re the true treasures in life.