The Brightest Light of Sunshine

The moment I kissed Grace again, every worry and insecurity plaguing my mind faded away. There was nothing else in my head but the way her body fit perfectly against mine, the softness of her lips and the little sounds she made as I devoured her.

God, those fucking sounds will be the death of me.

When I came back to our table, Sophia eyed me knowingly and so did Trey, who had seen me run after Grace. Thank fuck Aaron was too busy to notice both his cousin’s absence and mine, between a conversation with Oscar and making sure everything ran smoothly at the restaurant. Just because he’s toning it down a little and is now used to the idea of Grace and I being friends doesn’t mean he’ll be okay with me hooking up with her at his restaurant.

He’d skin me alive, probably.

Grace and her friends leave before we do, and as discreetly as possible I send her text telling her I’ll pick her up from her dorm once we’re done. Which is where I’m standing now despite the cold November wind, leaning against the hood of my car as I wait for her to come out.

And when I finally spot her blonde hair coming towards me, my stomach does a fucking cartwheel. I remind myself that I don’t want a relationship, that Maddie is and should always be my priority and that a distraction isn’t welcomed right now.

But then she smiles at me.

That sweet smile, bright enough to blind the fucking sun, and I forget my own resolve.

Because my head might think a girlfriend would be a distraction, but my poor heart can’t keep up.

“Hey.” The wind carries her soft voice. She stops mere inches away from me, taking me aback with her delicate beauty. Those sincere eyes, those lush lips, that sweet mouth…

“Hi,” I say, voice hoarse. “Do you want to talk at my place?”

Her features soften. “Sure.”

The ride to my apartment is quiet but not uncomfortable, all while I fight back the urge to reach out and hold her hand. But I don’t, because we need to talk, and I must get my shit together within the next ten minutes it takes us to get to my place.

We park, ride the elevator and reach my apartment and I still haven’t made up my mind. I have to think about my sister and the stability she deserves, but… What if my mother never goes off the rails? What if the moment I fear the most, me having to take my sister away, never comes?

Am I really going to sabotage what my heart desires for an uncertain future?

“What did you want to talk about?” Grace asks. She looks so adorable in leggings and a puffy red coat; I want to hug her tightly against my chest and keep her there forever.

“Let’s sit down. Do you want anything to drink or eat?” I offer.

She shakes her head as she takes off her jacket and takes a seat on the couch, in the exact same spot where we once fell asleep together. “No, thanks. I’m fine.”

“Okay.” I sit down next to her, wiping the nervous sweat off of my palms on the fabric of my jeans. She’s staring at me with such an honest, open expression that it only fuels my need to get this over with. I still don’t know where I’m going with this, because my head is a fucking mess. Putting all my blind trust in my heart, I tell her, “I don’t know what to do with you, sunshine.”

Grace gives me a sympathetic grin. “Not a single clue?”

“Not one.”

“All right. You once said we were adults and needed to talk as such, so let’s do that.” Her expression sobers up and my heartbeat goes insane at how insanely attractive confidence makes her look. “I tell you one truth about my feelings for you, and you tell me another. Deal?”

Little by little, step by step. I can do that. “Deal.”

She takes a deep breath, and sighs. “I really like it when you kiss me.”

Well, there goes my sanity. “You do?”

“Yes. I can’t stop thinking about your hands on me, either.” Bye sanity, hello boner. “Your turn.”

Imitating her, I gather all my remaining courage and say, “I love being your friend and I don’t want that to change, but I also think about kissing you way more often than I should. I think about your smile, your jokes, your smutty books, and it fills my heart with joy. I look forward to seeing you every day and sometimes texting you isn’t enough. I don’t know when my feelings for you changed into something more, but the mere thought of you in my arms keeps me up at night, and I hate myself for wanting you this way when I can’t have you.”

Her mouth is slightly parted, her eyes wide with shock, and for a second, I consider leaning over and capturing her lips in mine. “Why do you think you can’t have me?” she half-whispers.

It all comes down to this, doesn’t it? My desires versus my duties. Years ago, I would’ve made an excuse to avoid having this uncomfortable conversation in the first place. But since I’m not an immature ass anymore, and I care about Grace way more than I ever imagined I could, I decide to lay the truth bare.

“You know about my mother’s issues with alcohol, and I’m afraid it’ll only get worse from now on. She forgets about picking up my sister, sometimes about feeding her or taking her places. She’s barely home as it is since she works a lot, and I know Maddie feels neglected. I don’t want to disrupt her home life, but if things escalate and I do nothing about it, social services will take her away.”

Grace’s face visibly drops. “I didn’t know all that, Cal. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. It is what it is. What I mean by this is that Maddie comes from a very unstable home, and I don’t want her to grow up in a dysfunctional family. I… I can’t afford to be in a relationship right now because it wouldn’t be fair, not to Maddie and not to you. She’d always be my priority and she already likes you so much—if you walked away it would disrupt her routine again. I don’t want that for her. I can’t allow it.”

Her throat bobs, and she nods. “I understand, Cal, but I would never do anything to hurt neither of you. Never. Maddie is your priority, I know it, and I would never want that to change. You’re such a good brother, and I admire that a lot about you. I don’t… If this is what you think is best for the both of you, I understand.”

Maybe I expected her to fight me, to try to convince me that we should be together despite my reasoning, and that’s why her compliance makes me feel like I’m dying inside. I swallow. “You… You understand?”

“I promise I do.” Her bottom lip trembles, and I fight the urge to cradle her face between my hands. “You’re my best friend, Cal, but it also feels right to kiss you and… when you hold me, it feels right too. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I’ll get over it. Maddie is the sweetest angel, and she deserves to grow up in a stable home with you. I would never walk away from you or hurt neither of you, but I understand if you can’t trust my words. I promise I get it, Cal.”

“Grace…”

“The last thing I want is to make you feel bad about this.” She shakes her head and when she gets up from the couch, some part of my heart cracks. “You made it very clear that you didn’t want a relationship. Several times. I’m just being unfair.”

“Don’t say that.” I stand up too and take her hands in mine. “It’s more complicated than that. It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship with you, it’s just that…”

“It’s not what you should do. It’s all right.” She gives me a small smile and squeezes my hands. “I’m glad we had this conversation. The only thing I want is to keep being your friend.”

“That will never change,” I promise, but I don’t tell her that I can’t imagine my life without her anymore. “Grace, I…”

She shakes her head. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. I’ll get over it.”

I don’t fucking want her to get over it, because I don’t want us to part ways like this in the first place. My head is screaming one thing, and my heart is yelling another, and I don’t know what to do.

“You’re the best older brother Maddie could’ve asked for,” she tells me in that sweet, soft voice that I wish I could capture in a bottle and listen to on an eternal loop. “I’m still going to be your friend, you know? You won’t get rid of me that easily.”

But I don’t want to be just her friend. I want to be able to kiss her, hold her, make love to her every night and every morning until she comes around me in pure ecstasy. Yet there’s this invisible hand pulling me away, preventing me from reaching out and just… going for it.

I fight against it every time I see her, every time she laughs or makes a joke or looks all proud and happy. But it isn’t enough, and now she’s walking away from me while I’m unable to do anything about it.

Could we be friends with benefits? Not in this fucking lifetime. That will only make my complicated feelings for her grow, and I won’t be able to stop them. I can’t do the whole only-physical thing with her. I can’t. She means so much more to me.

“I would never want to get rid of you.” I bare my truth to her, my throat clogging up with emotion. “I’m sorry. You deserve something better than this.”

Her sad smile crushes my soul and sweeps away the remains. “You too, Cal.”

I can’t move while she zips up her jacket and gathers her things. I can’t breathe when she stands on her tiptoes and gives me a lingering kiss on my cheek. I can’t feel my own body as she tells me goodbye and walks out of the door.

I just can’t.

I can’t do this anymore.