Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

We went to the hotel reception desk and got a tourist map of Targrath.

“What are you looking for?” asked the receptionist.

“That girl who was here earlier. You know the one with the yellow hair and huge breasts who kept sucking on that ball with pink stuff in it.”

“I can’t help you with that.”

“Fortunately we can use map dowsing.”

I pictured Miandri and ran my fingers down the sides of the map. Then I moved them inwards to where the coordinates intersected. This actually was a beach not far from the hotel. I used visioning and found her, sitting down with a group of other people.

“Thanks,” I said to the receptionist.

The beach was so near we just walked there.

Miandri wasn’t exactly hard to find. There were a bunch of young people, mostly male psychics, sitting around a rock with Miandri on top wearing a very skimpy swimming costume and still sucking on a glass ball. Most the group were wearing swimming costumes although it was blue day and a bit on the cool side.

One of the boys, a nibey, noticed us and gave us a rather hostile look, “You’re not dressed cool!”

“We’ve just come from court,” I said.

“Oh, hi,” said Miandri. “How did it go? I totally thought it would take longer.”

Now we were nearer, we could see there was a larger version of her gas ball at the bottom of the rock with tubes to the other people.

“Somebody didst tryeth to killeth me,” said Dwendra. “But they didst not wanteth to killeth Clindar.”

“Perhaps you should look on that like the fuel tank being half full,” said Miandri, smiling with those big, white teeth.

I think she was confusing a saying about optimists and pessimists with another designed to annoy people who used the first. The first was an old saying about a wineskin being half full or half empty depending on if you were an optimist or a pessimist. The fuel tank analogy was to illustrate the situation could be more complicated. The scenario was an aircraft with a faulty fuel gauge. If the fuel tank is full it safely reaches its destination. If the fuel tank is empty, it goes nowhere but everybody is safe. If the fuel tank is half full it crashes and everybody on board is killed. Therefore the half full fuel tank is the worst case scenario.

“Only Benai Nibeyim would want Dwendra dead and not me,” I said.

“I’m sure that can’t be true,” said Miandri. “They like wouldn’t do anything like that.”

“You tried to have her raped!” I said.

“Only a little bit!”

“And you didn’t come to court,” I said.

“It’s totally boring.”

“If you’ve got an issue with Benai Nibeyim,” said the hostile nibey, “you really should talk to Haprihagfen about it.”

“I thought you like totally had a meeting with Benai Nibeyim in Minris,” said Miandri.

“We did!” I said. “And I thought they were going to meet with us again in ten light cycles.”

“I’m sure somebody else must have been trying to kill you,” said Miandri.

“Anyway where does your mother live?” I asked, deciding that arguing with her was pointless as she seemed to have no concept of logic.

“Drintac.”

“Where in Drintac?”

“It’s only a small town, it’s the healer’s house and fertility clinic next to the mental home. Mum works part time as a healer in the mental home. I’m not sure if anybody will be there because Mum went to the conference in Minris and Garis came here to give me some consciousness orbs.” She pointed at the big ball of pink liquid.

Why wasn’t I surprised her mother worked in a mental home?

“The protocol is for issues between unaffiliated anavim and Benai Nibeyim to be handled through Haprihagfen,” said the hostile nibey.

One of the hipsickim gave us an odd look but I think the others were too intoxicated to pick up on that.

“I art not unaffiliated,” said Dwendra, “I art Benai Nibeyim but I art unsure if they acknowledgeth that although the impression from the meeting wast that they didst.”

“Then you should complain to your superior,” said the hostile nibey.

“My line of command art all deceased,” said Dwendra, “as art my emergency contacts.”

The hostile nibey gave her a very quizzical look.

“I’m unaffiliated,” I said. “Well I’m not actually a Benai Nibeyim member but they claim authority over me because they bred me and won’t let Haprihagfen help me.”

“Haprihagfen keep stealing our anavim!” objected the nibey.

“It puts me in a difficult position! It’s not my fault Benai Nibeyim bred me and can’t make up their minds who I should marry so they keep raping all the candidates.”

“Only a little bit,” said Miandri.

“They failed to rape Dwendra so they tried to kill her.”

“They wouldn’t do something like that!” said the hostile nibey.

“She tried to get me raped!” said Dwendra pointing at Miandri.

I started feeling the presence of another anavah approaching.

“I lost my virginity and had a date rape spell put on me and it’s no big thing,” said Miandri.

“It disqualifies you from having sex with me!” I said. “That’s a Benai Nibeyim rule, not mine!”

“It art a Yohoist rule!” said Dwendra.

“Well find somebody else to have sex with!” said the hostile nibey, getting a bit exasperated. “Oh feces another one! Have you all left Minris because of that magic accident or what?”

Egrindreth came running up to us, “According to Latchmir, Breeze thinks Benai Nibeyim have broken the treaty and you should go to Minris and talk to Ice.”

“Probably get more sense out of her,” I said.

“Thee knoweth that stuff doth rotteth your mind,” said Dwendra.

Nobody took any notice. Egrindreth was catching her breath.

Dwendra got out her blue crystal, held it up and said, “Sordreth moracanti acrulio!”

Both the gas balls exploded and Miandri and her disciples were obviously distressed.

“Ah, feces!” said the hostile nibey, who didn’t seem to have been sucking the gas.

“I hath studied under the great exorcist Kellinaro,” said Dwendra. “Thee shalt thanketh me when the withdrawal symptoms doth diminisheth.”

Egrindreth, Dwendra and myself started walking away towards the nearest building, which was a restaurant.

“You killed Utnarata again!” screamed Miandri.

I think the hostile nibey tried to calm her down or something.