Sweet Filthy Boy

Mia

THE DAY WE officially graduate from college is nothing like how it’s depicted in movies. I throw my cap in the air and it comes down and cracks someone in the forehead. The keynote speaker loses his notes in a gust of wind and decides to wing it, delivering a thoroughly uninspired commencement address on turning mistakes into the building blocks for a brighter tomorrow, complete with awkward stories about his recent divorce. No one on film ever looks like they’re going to die of heatstroke in their polyester gown . . . I’d pay someone a lot of money to burn all the pictures that were taken of me today.

But it still manages to be perfect.

Because holy shit, we’re done.

Outside the restaurant after lunch, Lorelei—or Lola for the rare few who make it to her inner circle—pulls her keys from her purse and shakes them at me with a celebratory shimmy. Her dad kisses her forehead and tries to pretend he’s not a little misty-eyed. Harlow’s entire family forms a circle around her, hugging and talking over each other, reliving the Top Ten Moments of When Harlow Walked Across the Stage and Graduated from College before pulling me close and doing the same rehash of my own fifteen seconds of fame. When they release me, I smile, watching them finish their sweet, familiar rituals.

Call me as soon as you get there safely.

Use the credit card, Harlow. No, the American Express. It’s fine, honey, this is your graduation present.

I love you, Lola. Drive safe.

We shed our sweltering gowns, tumble into Lola’s old beater Chevy, and escape San Diego in a plume of exhaust and giddy catcalls for the music and booze and madness that await us this weekend. Harlow pulls up the playlist she made for the trip—Britney Spears from our first concert when we were eight. The completely inappropriate 50 Cent song our class somehow negotiated to be the theme for our junior homecoming. The bass-heavy hair metal anthem Lola swears is the best sex song ever, and about fifty others that somehow build our collective story. Harlow cranks the stereo loud enough for us all to scream-sing above the hot, dusty air blasting in through all four windows.

Lola pulls her long dark hair off her neck and hands me a rubber band, begging me to tie it back for her.

“God, why is it so damn hot?” she yells from the driver’s seat.

“Because we’re hurtling through the desert at sixty-five miles an hour in a late-eighties Chevy with no air-conditioning,” Harlow answers, fanning herself with a program from the ceremony. “Remind me why we didn’t take my car again?”

“Because it smells like Coppertone and dubious choices?” I reply and shriek when she lunges for me from the front seat.

“We’re taking my car,” Lola reminds her as she turns down the volume on Eminem, “because you nearly wrapped yours around a telephone pole trying to get away from a bug on your seat. I don’t trust your judgment behind the wheel.”

“It was a spider,” Harlow argues. “And huge. With pincers.”

“A spider with pincers?”

“I could have died, Lola.”

“Yes, you could have. In a fiery car wreck.”

Once I’ve finished with Lola’s hair, I sit back again and feel like I’m able to exhale for the first time in weeks, laughing with my two favorite people in the world. The heat has sapped every bit of energy from my body, but it feels good to just let go, close my eyes, and melt into the seat as the wind whips through my hair, too loud for me to even think. Three blissful weeks of summer lie ahead before I move across the country, and for the first time in forever, I have absolutely nothing I need to do.

“Nice of your family to stay for lunch,” Lola says in her steady, cautious tone, meeting my eyes in the rearview mirror.

“Eh.” I shrug, bending to dig in my purse for a piece of gum or candy, or whatever will keep me busy long enough not to have to try and justify my parents’ early exit today.

Harlow turns her head to look at me. “I thought they were going to lunch with everyone?”

“I guess not,” I say simply.

She swivels fully in her seat, facing me as much as she can without taking off her seat belt. “Well, what did David say before they left?”

I blink away, looking out at the passing, flat scenery. Harlow would never dream of calling her father—or even Lola’s—by his first name. But ever since I can remember, to her my father is simply David—said with as much disdain as she can muster. “He said he was proud of me and he loves me. That he was sorry he didn’t say it enough.”

I can feel her surprise in the answering silence. Harlow is only ever quiet when she’s surprised or pissed.

“And,” I add, though I know this is the point where I should shut up, “now I can pursue a real career and contribute meaningfully to society.”

Don’t poke the bear, Mia, I think.

“Jesus,” she says. “It’s like he loves to hit you right where it hurts. That man lettered in being an asshole.”

This makes us all laugh, and we seem to agree to move on because, really, what else can we say? My dad is kind of an ass, and even getting his way when it comes to my life decisions doesn’t seem to change that.

The traffic is light and the city rises up out of the flat earth, a tangled cluster of lights glaringly bright in the fading sunset. With each mile the air grows cooler, and I sense a rebound of energy in the car when Harlow sits up straighter and puts on a new playlist for our final stretch. In the backseat, I wiggle, dancing, singing along to the catchy, bass-heavy pop song.

“Are my girls ready to get a little wild?” she asks, pulling the passenger sun visor down to apply lip gloss in the tiny, cracked mirror.

“Nope.” Lola merges onto East Flamingo Road. Just beyond, the Strip spreads brightly, a carpet of lights and blasting horns rolling out before us. “But for you? I’ll do gross shots and dance with questionably sober men.”

I nod, wrapping my arms around Harlow from behind and squeezing. She pretends to choke, but puts her hand over mine so I can’t get away. No one rejects cuddles less convincingly than Harlow.

“I love you psychos,” I say, and even though with anyone else, the words would get lost in the wind and street dust blowing into the car, Harlow bends to kiss my hand and Lola glances over to smile at me. It’s like they’re programmed to ignore my long pauses and pluck my voice out of chaos.

“You have to make me a promise, Mia,” Lola says. “Are you listening?”

“This doesn’t involve me running off and becoming a showgirl, does it?”

“Sadly no.”

We’ve been planning this trip for months—one last rush before grown-up life and responsibility catch up with us. I’m ready for whatever she’s got for me. I stretch my neck, take a deep breath, pretend to crack my knuckles. “Too bad. I could work a pole like you don’t even know. But okay, hit me.”

“Leave everything else back in San Diego tonight,” she says. “Don’t worry about your dad or which fangirl Luke is banging this weekend.”

My stomach tilts slightly at this mention of my ex, even though we parted on good terms nearly two years ago. It’s just that Luke was my first, I was his, and we learned everything together. I feel like I should be earning royalties on his current parade of conquests.

Lola continues. “Don’t think about packing for Boston. Don’t think about anything but the fact that we’re done with college—college, Mia! We did it. Just put the rest of it in a proverbial box and shove it under the proverbial bed.”

“I like this talk of shoving and beds,” Harlow says.

Under any other circumstance, this would have made me laugh. But as unintentional as it may have been, Lola’s mention of Boston has just obliterated the tiny window of anxiety-free space I’d somehow managed to find. It immediately dwarfs any discomfort I felt over the subject of my dad’s early departure from the biggest ceremony of my life or Luke and his newfound slutty side. I have a rising tide of panic about the future, and now that we’ve graduated, it’s impossible to ignore it anymore. Every time I think about what comes next, my stomach turns inside out, ignites, chars. The feeling happens so much these days I feel like I should give it a name.

In three weeks I’m leaving for Boston, to business school of all places, and about as far from my childhood dreams as I could have imagined. I’ll have plenty of time to find an apartment and a job that will pay my bills and accommodate a full schedule of classes in the fall when I finally do what my father has always wanted and join the river of business-types doing business things. He’s even paying for my apartment, happily. “Two bedrooms,” he’d insisted, magnanimously, “so your mother and I and the boys can visit.”

“Mia?” Lola prompts.

“Okay,” I say and nod, wondering when, out of the three of us, I became the person with so much baggage. Lola’s dad is a war veteran. Harlow’s parents are Hollywood. I’m just the girl from La Jolla who used to dance. “I’m shoving it under the proverbial bed.” Saying the words out loud seems to put more weight behind them. “I’ll put it into the box with Harlow’s scary sex toys.”

Harlow throws me a sassy kiss and Lola nods, resolute. Lola knows better than any of us about stress and responsibility, but if she can put it away for the weekend, I can, too.

WE PULL UP to the hotel and Lola and I tumble from the car, holding our simple duffel bags and looking like we just emerged from a dust storm. I feel gross and filthy. Only Harlow looks like she belongs here, climbing from the old Chevy as if she’s exiting a shiny black town car, somehow still presentable and wheeling a glossy suitcase behind her.

Once we get upstairs, we’re all speechless, even Harlow—clearly this is the surprised form of her silence. There are only a couple of other rooms on the floor and our Sky Suite is enormous.

Harlow’s father, a big-shot cinematographer, booked it for us as a graduation present. We thought we were getting a standard Vegas hotel room, some complimentary shampoo, maybe we’d even go crazy and raid the minibar, charging it to his card. Snickers and tiny vodkas for everyone!

We were not expecting this. In the entryway (there’s an entryway), and tucked next to a decadent fruit basket and a complimentary bottle of champagne, there’s a note. It says we have a butler on speed dial, a masseuse to come to the room when we need it, and Harlow’s dad is more than happy to provide unlimited room service. If Alexander Vega wasn’t the father of my best friend and happily married, I might offer sex acts to thank him.

Remind me not to tell Harlow that.

I GREW UP wearing barely anything onstage in front of hundreds of people where I could pretend to be someone else. So even with a long, jagged scar on my leg, I’m decidedly more comfortable in one of the dresses Harlow chose for us than Lola is. She won’t even put hers on.

“It’s your graduation present,” Harlow says. “How would you have felt if I turned down the journal you got me?”

Lola laughs, throwing a pillow at her from across the room. “If I’d asked you to tear out the pages and make them into a dress that barely covers your ass, yes, you would have been free to turn down the gift.”

I tug at the hem of my dress, silently siding with Lola and wishing it was just a touch longer. I rarely show so much thigh anymore.

“Mia’s wearing hers,” Harlow points out and I groan.

“Mia grew up in leotards; she’s pocket-sized and built like a gazelle,” Lola reasons. “Also? I’m sure if I looked hard enough, I could see her vagina. If I’m five inches taller than she is, you’ll practically be able to see my birth canal in this dress.”

“You’re so stubborn.”

“You’re so slutty.”

I listen to them argue from where I stand near the window, content, watching pedestrians walk along the Strip, and forming what looks like a trail of colorful round dots from our view on the forty-fifth floor. I’m not sure why Lola continues to fight this. We all know it’s just a matter of time before she gives in, because Harlow is a giant pain in the ass and she always gets her way. It sounds strange to say I’ve always loved this about her, but she knows what she wants and goes after it. Lola is the same in many ways, but a bit subtler than Harlow’s in-your-face technique.

Lola groans, but as expected, eventually admits defeat. She’s smart enough to know she’s fighting a losing battle, and it takes only a few minutes for her to slip into her dress and shoes before we head downstairs.

IT’S BEEN A long day. We’re finished with college, have washed the dust and real life worries from our bodies, and Harlow loves ordering shots. More than that? She loves watching everyone else drink the shots she’s ordered. By the time nine thirty rolls around, I decide our level of drunk is sufficient: we’re slurring some words, but at least we can walk. I can’t remember the last time I saw Lola and Harlow laugh like this. Lola’s cheek is resting on her crossed arms and her shoulders shake with laughter. Harlow’s head is thrown back and the sound of her giggles rises above the thumping music and clear across the bar.

And it’s when her head is back like this that I meet the eyes of a man across the crowded room. I can’t make out every feature in the dark bar, but he’s a few years older than we are and tall, with light brown hair and dark brows over bright, mischievous eyes. He’s watching us and smiling as if he has no need to participate in our fun; he simply wants to appreciate it. Two other guys stand beside him, talking and pointing to something in the far corner, but he doesn’t look away when our eyes meet. If anything, his smile gets bigger.

I can’t look away, either, and the feeling is disorienting because normally when it comes to strangers I’m very good at looking away. My heart trips around inside my chest, reminding me I’m supposed to be more awkward than this, maybe suggesting I focus on my drink instead. I don’t do eye contact well. I don’t usually do conversation well, either. In fact, the only muscles I never seemed to really master were the ones required for easy speech.

But for some reason—let’s blame the alcohol—and without looking away from the hot man across the bar, my lips readily form the word “Hi.”

He says it back, before pulling the corner of his lip between his teeth, and wow, he should do that every day and to every person he meets for the rest of his life. He has a dimple and I reassure myself that it’s just the lighting and shadows playing it up because there’s no way in hell something so simple could possibly be this adorable.

I feel something strange happen to my insides and I wonder if this is what people mean when they say they melt, because I am most definitely feeling less than solid. There’s a distinct flutter of interest from the vicinity below my waist, and good God, if his smile alone managed to do that, imagine what his—

Harlow grabs my arm before I can finish that thought, jerking me from my careful study of his face and into a crowd of bodies rocking and snaking to the rhythm of sex blasting from the speakers. A boy like that is way way out of my comfort zone, and so I shove the urge to go find him into the proverbial box, under the proverbial bed along with everything else.

WE MUST BE easing into Vegas, because after dancing and drinks, we’re in our room by midnight, all three of us worn-out from the commencement ceremony in the sun, the hot drive, and the alcohol we rushed into our systems without enough food.

Even though our suite has more space than we need, and even though there are two bedrooms, we’re all piled into the one. Lola and Harlow are out within minutes, and the familiar string of Harlow’s sleep-mumble starts. Lola is almost shockingly silent and still. She buries herself so completely in her bedding, I remember wondering when we were younger if she somehow disappeared into the mattress during sleepovers. There are times I actually consider checking for a pulse.

But across the hall, a party rages.

The heavy bass of music rattles the light fixture hanging above me. Male voices rumble across the empty space separating the rooms; they shout and laugh, have their own little cacophony of whoops and man-sounds going on. A ball hits a wall somewhere in the distance, and although I can only identify a few unique voices in the mix, they’re making enough noise that I can’t believe the entire suite isn’t full of drunk boys tearing up a weekend in Vegas.

Two a.m. passes the same: I’m staring at the ceiling, growing somehow both more awake and more asleep. When three hits, I’m so irritated, I’m ready to be the Vegas buzzkill just so I can get a few hours of sleep before our early spa appointments.

I slip out of bed, being quiet so I don’t wake my friends, before laughing at the absurdity of my caution. If they’ve slept through the ruckus across the hall, they’ll sleep through me padding quietly across a carpeted floor, grabbing a room key, and slipping out of our suite.

I pound my fist on the door and wait, chest heaving with irritation. The noise barely dips, and I’m not sure if I can pound hard enough for them to even hear me. Raising both fists, I try again. I don’t want to be that person—in Vegas complaining about people being joyful—but my next stop is calling hotel security.

This time the music dies down and footsteps slap on the tile just in front of the door.

Maybe I expect some older, sun-bleached trust fund douche to answer, a bunch of middle-aged investment bankers visiting for a weekend of debauchery, or a roomful of fratty guys drinking shots out of a stripper’s belly button. But I don’t expect it to be him, the guy from across the bar.

I don’t expect him to be shirtless, wearing black boxers that hang so low on his tanned stomach that I can see the soft trail of hair, lower.

I don’t expect him to smile when he sees me. And I most definitely don’t expect the accent when he says, “I know you.”

“You don’t,” I say, completely steady, if a little on the breathless side. I never stutter in front of friends or family anymore and only rarely in front of strangers I’m comfortable with. But right now my face feels hot, my arms and legs prickling with goose bumps, so I have no idea what to make of my completely stutterless words.

If possible, his smile grows, blush deepening, dimple taking center stage, and he opens the door wider, stepping out toward me. He’s even better looking than he seemed from across the room, and the reality of him immediately fills the doorway. His presence is so huge I step back as if I’ve been pushed. He’s all easy posture, eye contact, and beaming smile as he leans close, and playfully studies me.

Being a performer, I’ve seen magic like his before. He may look like any other human, but he has that elusive quality that would force every pair of eyes to track him onstage, no matter how small his role. It’s more than charisma—it’s a magnetism that can’t be taught or practiced. I’m only two feet away from him . . . I don’t stand a chance.

“I do know you,” he says with a little tilt of his head. “We met earlier. We just haven’t exchanged names yet.” My mind searches to place his accent before I trip into understanding: he’s French. The asshole is French. It’s diluted, though. His accent is soft, mild. Instead of curling all of the words together he spreads them out, carefully offering each one.

I narrow my eyes, forcing them up to his face. It’s not easy. His chest is smooth and tan and he has the most perfect nipples I’ve ever seen, small and flat. He’s ripped, and tall enough to ride like a horse. I can feel the warmth coming off his skin. On top of all of that, he’s wearing nothing but his underwear and seems completely unfazed by it.

“You guys are being insanely loud,” I say, remembering the hours of noise that brought me out here in the first place. “I think I liked you a lot better across a crowded room than across this hall.”

“But face-to-face is the best, no?” His voice causes goose bumps to spread across my arms. When I don’t answer, he turns and looks over his shoulder and then back to me. “I’m sorry we’re so loud. I’m going to blame Finn. He’s Canadian, so I’m sure you understand he’s a savage. And Oliver is an Aussie. Also horribly uncivilized.”

“A Canadian, an Australian, and a Frenchman throw a rager in a hotel room?” I ask, fighting a smile despite my better judgment. I’m trying to remember the rule about whether or not you’re supposed to struggle when you fall into quicksand, because that’s exactly what this feels like. Sinking, being swallowed up by something bigger than I am.

“Like the beginning of a joke,” he agrees, nodding. His green eyes twinkle and he’s right: face-to-face is endlessly better than through a wall, or even across a dark, crowded room. “Come join us.”

Nothing has ever sounded so dangerous and so tempting all at once. His eyes drop to my mouth, where they linger before scanning my body. Despite what he’s just offered, he steps fully out into the hallway and the door falls closed behind him. Now it’s just me and him and his naked chest and . . . wow, strong legs and the potential for mind-blowing spontaneous hallway sex.

Wait. What?

And now I also remember I’m only in my tiny sleep shorts and matching tank top with little pigs all over them. I’m suddenly aware of the bright light in the hallway and feel my fingers move down, instinctively tugging the material lower to cover my scar. I’m normally fine with my body—I’m a woman so naturally there are always little things I’d change—but my scar is different. It’s not entirely about how it looks—though let’s be honest, Harlow still does the full-body sympathy shudder whenever she sees it—but what it represents: the loss of my scholarship to the Joffrey Ballet School, the death of my dream.

But the way he looks at me makes me feel naked—good naked—and beneath the cotton of my top, my nipples tighten.

He notices and takes another step closer, bringing with him warmth and the scent of soap, and I’m suddenly sure he’s most definitely not looking at my leg. It doesn’t even seem like he sees it, or if he does, he likes how I come together enough to ignore what this scar says. It says trauma, it says pain. But his eyes only say yes, and please, and mischief. And that he’d like to see more.

The shy girl inside me crosses her arms over her chest, tries to pull me back to the safety of my own room. But his eyes pin me in place.

“I wasn’t sure I would see you again.” His voice has gone gravelly, hinting of the filthy things I want to hear him growl into my neck. My pulse is a frantic, pounding drum. I wonder if he can see it. “I looked for you.”

He looked for me.

I’m surprised my voice comes out so clear when I say, “We left pretty soon after I saw you.”

His tongue slips out, and he watches my mouth. “Why don’t you come . . . inside?” There are so many unspoken promises tucked in those five words. It feels like he’s a stranger offering me the most delicious candy on the planet.

“I’m going to sleep,” I manage finally, holding up my hand to keep him from moving any closer. “And you guys are going to be quieter or I’ll send Harlow over. And if that fails, I’m waking up Lola and you’ll find yourself thanking her for leaving you beat up and bloody.”

He laughs. “I really like you.”

“Good night.” I turn to walk back to our door on less than steady legs.

“I’m Ansel.”

I ignore him as I slide my key into the lock.

“Wait! I just want your name.”

I look back over my shoulder. He’s still smiling. Seriously, a kid in my third-grade class had a dimple and it did not make me feel like this. This boy should come with a warning label. “Shut the hell up and I’ll tell it to you tomorrow.”

He takes another step forward, feet bare on the carpet and eyes following me down the hall, and says, “Does that mean we have a date?”

“No.”

“And you really won’t tell me your name? Please?”

“Tomorrow.”

“I’ll just call you Cerise, then.”

I call out, “Fine with me,” as I walk into my room. For all I know, he’s just called me uptight, or prude, or pig jammies.

But somehow, the way he purred the two syllables makes me think it was something else entirely.

As I climb back into bed, I look it up on my phone. Cerise means “cherry.” Of course it does. I’m not sure how I feel about that because something tells me he wasn’t referring to the color of my nail polish.

The girls are both asleep, but I’m not. Even though the noise across the hall has stopped and everything grows still and calm in our suite, I’m hot and flushed and wishing I’d had the guts to stay out in the hallway just a little longer.