Stone Cold Notes: A Rock Star Romance (The Seasons Change)

THE BED BESIDE ME WAS COLD WHEN I WOKE UP. The level of disappointment I felt at that discovery staggered me. I didn’t allow it to level me. There was no time for that. Ezra would be awake any minute if he wasn’t already. There was breakfast to make, laundry to do, shopping for the week…no time for my broken heart.

I threw a sweatshirt over my pajamas, washed the sleep out of my eyes, and gave my teeth a quick scrub, then I peeked in Ezra’s room. He wasn’t in there, but Jenny’s door was still closed. My heart thumped.

Where is he?

I took the steps in a hurry and heard my son’s sweet voice coming from the kitchen. Another voice answered him back.

My heart thumped again at the sight of them.

Ezra was sitting on the kitchen counter, his hands over Callum’s as they mixed something in a big bowl. They were speaking quietly, laughing at some inside joke I couldn’t hear. Ez’s hair was crazy like it always was in the morning. Callum had swept his back in a bun.

I stood there on the periphery, allowing them this moment. How could I end it? I didn’t want to, that was for sure.

Callum’s blue gaze found me, and a slow smile broke out on his gorgeous face. Shadows may have loved him, but I adored him in the light.

“Mornin’, Mama.” His morning voice was gritty, and it hit me right between the legs.

Ezra found me next and he gasped. “Mornin’, Mama!”

I laughed, trailing into the kitchen. “Oh, are you Southern all of a sudden?”

His face scrunched. “What’s that?”

I shook my head, still smiling at my boo. “Nothing, baby buddy.” I peered into the bowl. “Hmmm…let me guess what you’re making. Is it snot sandwiches?”

“No!” he yelled.

“Oh, silly me.” I kissed Ezra’s forehead. “I bet this is…hmmm…pancake batter.”

He nodded so big, his head flew around his head in a cloud. “Cow-um’s making them. I’m helping him.”

I narrowed my eyes on the man himself. He smiled back at me as though we weren’t right in the middle of something very serious.

“I woke up to a little boy pokin’ my nose this morning. You were still out, Ez was wide awake, so I thought we’d hang out until you got up. He showed me the basement.”

Ezra giggled. “Cow-um was scared of the spiders.”

My eyes went wide. “You showed him the spiders? Oh boy.”

“I got scared, but I didn’t run,” Callum supplied. “Now, we’re makin’ pancakes, so go sit your fine ass down while the boys do the cookin’.”

“Don’t say ass,” I whispered.

Callum chuckled and went back to mixing. I didn’t know what to do. I needed space, to think, to sort out my feelings, but I couldn’t make a scene in front of my kid, and I already knew Callum wasn’t going to leave if I asked politely. I didn’t want to have a scene with Callum anyway. I wasn’t a scene making kind of girl.

So, I went into the living room and sat on my fine ass. What I didn’t do was relax. Any peace I’d gained from a really good night of sleep had already been burned through—and it was only seven thirty in the morning.

When I was called to the table for breakfast, I hadn’t sorted through a single one of my thoughts. But Ezra was happy, and Callum…well, he seemed to be too. He grinned at me as I took my seat, and the crinkles around his eyes made my heart thump once again.

He liked this. Being here, hanging out with my boy, making breakfast. Crazy, silent, obsessive, strange Callum Rose was enjoying the hell out of being part of this ordinary, stunningly beautiful life I led.

Callum slipped his hand under my hair to cup my nape. “Sleep well?”

I sighed. “Yeah. Better than I expected.”

“Good.” He shoved a forkful of pancake into his mouth.

Ezra filled the space with stories about preschool then he wanted to hear a Bob Seger song. His resounding opinion was that Bob Marley was his second favorite Bob to Bob Ross. Bob Seger was a distant third.

Jenny came down after breakfast and wrangled Ezra upstairs to get dressed and give us some privacy. She didn’t know what was going on, but she knew something was up. I probably hadn’t been in top form the day before.

I wouldn’t tell her because she wouldn’t understand. Not that I did, but she really wouldn’t.

“You need to go home, Callum,” I whispered.

Because he was Callum Rose, he didn’t do what I asked. He took me in his arms instead, and I wrapped mine around his waist.

“I liked bein’ here this morning, lettin’ you sleep while me and Ez cooked. Not something I could have predicted I’d like.”

I nodded against his chest. “I know you liked it. But you still need to go.”

“After you had him, you used to go on long walks with the stroller. Sometimes you’d sit down on a bench and cry your heart out.” I went stiff. I remembered those walks all too well. “I got close to talkin’ to you then, but you’re Wren. So fuckin’ strong. You’d pull yourself together, get up, and keep movin’.”

I banged my forehead against him. “I wish you’d spoken to me. Maybe not in the middle of my crying jags, but before or after.”

He took my chin in his hand and tipped my head back. “I love you, Wren, but you have to know you left me out in the cold. You abandoned me. You can be angry or freaked out that I watched you for so long, but I do not accept you being angry at me not speakin’ to you when you made it clear with your silence you were done with me.”

My mouth fell open to refute him, but he cut me off.

“Knowin’ what I know now, of course I wish I’d approached you. I look back on the last three years and see the time I wasted. I can’t get it back, but I’m not gonna waste the time we have now. So, when you tell me to leave, give you space, I’m buckin’ against that with all I have. I’ve given you space, and I’m done with that. I’m done with it, Wren. I will come clean on every detail of my obsession with you. You ask me anything, I’ll tell you, though you pretty much know it all. What I won’t do is give you up. I will not allow you to be mad at me for keepin’ my distance when I did it because I thought that was what you wanted. We were apart for the last week, and I hated every second of it. That’s enough of that.”

He patted his chest, right where the tattoo was. “You’re on my skin, under it, in my bloodstream. This is it, Little Bird. I’m here now. The last three years are done and gone, and we can’t retrace our steps. We can only move forward, and there is no way in hell I’m movin’ forward without you. I love you.”

I swallowed down the feeling of my heart trying to escape from my throat. “I need to think. I can’t think when you’re here. You’re just…in my face. You’re saying all the right things, but I don’t know if they’re right because they make me feel good to hear or if they’re actually right.”

He cupped my cheeks, dipped, and brushed his lips over mine. I whimpered, and he went in again, kissing me longer, deeper, but not hard. Still gentle, so gentle.

Then he stepped back, leaving me staggered all over again.

“All right, Wren. You can have today. I won’t be in your face, but I’ll be in touch. I need you to respond when I text or I’ll be back to make sure you’re okay.” His eyes narrowed on me, like he didn’t quite trust me to follow that request.

“All right. I’ll respond.”

His hands flexed by his sides. He stared at me for a long moment, his chest rising and falling in great heaves. Then, he nodded, turned on his heel, and headed for the door. I followed right behind him, all the way outside to my stoop, the bitter winter air cutting straight through my sweatshirt.

Callum took a step down, then he spun around, yanked me to him, and kissed me hard. His tongue slipped between my lips, tasting every inch of me. I clawed at his chest, desperate for him to stay right here, needing him to disappear so I could function.

His shirt was bunched in my fingers. One of his hands slid under my sweatshirt to my breast, the other cupped my throat. Our mouths were fused so tight, his air became mine. Mine became his. I loved him, completely and irrevocably. Only the smallest fraction of me wanted him to leave, but I had to listen to that fraction.

But his mouth, his kiss, I’d never been kissed this way. That was because he loved me, was obsessed with me, couldn’t get enough of me. I was the same when it came down to it.

The sound of a truck rumbling by broke us apart. Callum took me by the shoulders and gently pushed me toward my open front door. I turned right back around in the doorway. He gave me another long look, his brow crinkled and mouth curving down in displeasure.

And then, he was gone, leaving me reeling.

That night, I laid in bed alone. I hadn’t done much thinking, but I was calm. My anger had ebbed. Now, I was just confused and tired.

Callum had texted me three times during the day, just checking in. My replies were succinct. That was it, and it felt colder than his silence.

He could be silent with everyone else. The world could think of him as stone cold. But with me, he was always warm and open.

My phone chimed, signaling I had an email. I sucked in a breath when I saw it was from Callum. I hadn’t checked my old email address in three and a half years, since I last wrote to him. He’d sent this one to my current address.

I opened it, my heart firmly lodged in my throat.

Little Bird,

I don’t know if you got the chance to read the emails I wrote to you over the years. I don’t think you did. I’m not sending you this to guilt you, but for you to understand how I felt when you were gone.

Here you go. This is everything. Read them or don’t. I hope you do.

I fucking miss you, Wren. Not even 24 hours and I’m close to climbing up your drainpipe to take a peek at you.

Callum

I didn’t know if I wanted to, but I did know I had to, so I opened the first email he sent me after I’d disappeared.

Little Bird,

No crying over me. I won’t allow it.

Someday, I’m going to make you believe you’re everything I’ve said about you. You’re not going to doubt it, even for a second. Those voices that have made you feel like you weren’t amazing will be drowned out.

Don’t be scared. I’m not scary. I’m just a big, weird rocker who wants to be beside you.

We’re doing this. So fucking soon, we’re doing it.

I’m staying sane solely for you.

Callum

Once I started, I couldn’t stop, so I read the string of emails he sent when I didn’t reply. Each word, each letter, dripped on my skin like battery acid.

Little Bird,

Where are you?

Did my last email get too intense? Lost in the ether?

Talk to me.

Callum

Birdie,

I need you to reply. Did something happen? If meeting is too much, I get it. We’ll wait. I’m not going anywhere. I need to know you’re okay. Why aren’t you replying?

Callum

Fuck, Birdie, where are you? Just talk to me.

Callum

He sent twenty emails over the next month. Each one got more and more desperate. The last one came on the day we had planned to meet, and it absolutely broke me.

Wren,

Even after a month of silence, I looked for you. I thought you’d show. We’d laugh at whatever the misunderstanding was that kept you from emailing me. We’d be awkward and stumble over our words but happy as hell we got up the guts to meet.

Didn’t happen. And you know what? I’m hoping like hell this is your way of telling me to fuck off. Because when I think of the alternative, that something’s gone down in your life that’s so bad you can’t get to your computer, I feel like I’m going crazy.

I can’t keep doing this. I won’t write you again, but I’m here. I’m open to hearing from you. Even if you need to tell me to fuck off, just please fucking tell me. It’s the not knowing that’s killing me.

Callum

I couldn’t read anything else. The other emails would have to wait for another day when I was stronger. I curled into a ball and let myself feel all of it. How I hurt Callum by disappearing. Threw away the most important relationship I’d ever had from fear. His confusion. His loss. His desperation. The time we lost because I screwed up in a huge, magnificent way.

I took it in, and it was an ice pick to my gut. I did this. I was afraid, and I destroyed something perfectly beautiful.

The fact that Callum had the capacity to love me after the way I fucked up so royally was a testament to who he was. He called his love psycho, and maybe it was, but it was also forgiving and generous.

I didn’t know what to feel about his manipulations. I knew I wasn’t okay with it.

I also wasn’t the same person I’d been back then. Depression and anxiety had been like living, breathing monsters on my back, and for the most part, I’d learned to cope. I had my son, finished school, grew the hell up. The time I was taking from Callum to sort myself out wasn’t running away, even if that had been my first instinct. My thoughts and emotions had been far too jumbled to make a decision.

But it was clear now what I wanted—what I’d always wanted.

Me: Will you be in the car with me in the morning?

Callum: I wish I could say yes. I have to do some radio interviews beginning at the crack of dawn. I’ll be there on your way home.

Me: Okay. I’d like to talk.

Callum: I’ll come over.

Me: No, baby. I’m about to fall asleep. I want to be clearheaded. You want to have dinner with us then we’ll talk when Ez goes to bed?

Callum: So fucking bad.

Me: Then that’s what we’ll do.

Callum: Need to hold my girl.

Me: Let’s do the talking thing first.

Callum: Gonna hold you in the car. Second I see you.

Me: All right, baby.

Callum: Go to sleep, Little Bird.

Me: I am. Good night. Xoxo

Callum: Love you. Sleep well. x