Steeling Her: A Romance Novel

Nick

My cheeks are starting to hurt. My smile hasn’t faded since our first date. I haven’t seen her since last night. I need to get up early and train with the team today. I’ve been less focused on football since coming back and more focused on her. I’m pretty sure people are starting to notice it too.

I practically spring myself out of the bed and get my gear packed up for today. A knock on my door tells me the guys are waiting for me so we can all go. Coach hates it when you’re late. He makes you stay an extra hour and do a ton of drills. Sit-ups, suicides, push-ups, etc. He pushes you until you can’t breathe anymore. I learned my lesson as a freshman.

I sling my bag over my shoulder and walk out my door into the hallway. TJ is waiting for me by the door with Reggie. TJ and I had a rocky start early this year, but it is mellowing out now that I know he’s not fucking around with my sister. If he does, he’s a dead man. He knows this too.

“You ready?” Reggie asks. I signal that I’m right behind him as he walks out. TJ and I follow him. All of us climb into TJ’s car as we buckle ourselves in. I look out the window and see everything that reminds me of Carter.

And I mean everything.

The fence, the trees, the grass, the toys on the lawn; I have no idea why they remind me of her, but they do. Especially the toys.

“Well?” Reggie squeezes my shoulder, taking me back to the present. I crane my neck around to face him in the back seat.

“Well, what?” I joke. I know they both want to know about the date last night. I couldn’t sleep a whole lot because of it. I was texting her half of the night, then we both said fuck it and I called her. I needed to hear her voice again. She later fell asleep on the phone with me. God, I wish I was there with her.

When I walked her back to the dorm, Haley and Danielle were watching us. I couldn’t get a fucking moment alone with her. They had eyes like a hawk, watching our every move.

“How’d the date go?” he asks impatiently. He wants to know what she thought of the date that everyone helped me plan. I came up with the idea, everyone just helped me execute it. I didn’t even know where to start when I first decided this.

He’s like a little kid bouncing up and down, wanting to know what happened. I want to keep it between Carter and me. It’s nobody else’s business, but I know they’ll drag it out of me. Plus, I trust them both.

“It was good.” I act nonchalant, but it was the farthest thing from good. If I’d have known that dates were like the one I went on last night, I’d have dated a long time ago. I wish I met her years ago. I could’ve started all of this sooner.

“Good? That’s all you got, Jackson?” TJ chides playfully. His hand playfully slaps my chest, telling me they want more than that. While laughing, he turns the indicator on to the freeway.

“Alright, it was better than I ever thought it would be. I would’ve started dating a long time ago if it was as good as this,” I tell them truthfully. But what I should’ve said was that I should’ve started dating her a long time ago.

“Dude, just say it!” TJ laughs and turns to face me for a quick second before focusing back on the road. They both start to slap me on any free space they can get their hands on, telling me to “say it” over and over again, chanting in my face until I’ve had enough.

“Alright, alright, alright! It’s was amazing. There, you happy?” I laugh while the two grin at me.

“You hear that, Reg? Our boy is all grown up!” TJ pinches my cheek while I can feel myself heating up.

“And becoming a man! She’s a good one, bro, I’m happy for you!” Reggie pats my shoulder again, telling me he approves of her.

“Me, too, man, look at you! I’ve never seen you this happy in my life. And I agree with Reggie, she’s a good catch. Treat her right, or her dad and brothers will be on your ass as well as your career!” he jokes, and the three of us laugh again. It’s a good morning despite the lack of sleep I got. I’m exhausted but the events that made me exhausted were worth it. Once training is finished, I’ll go back to bed and skip my classes for the day.

“Don’t I know!” I chuckle. It’s like none of that drama ever happened; none of the fighting that happened between the four of us. I owe it to her for making me see some sense, and to accept that I have no control over who my sister and my best friend like. And if it’s each other, then so be it; it’s their lives, not mine. So, I need to step back and let them be. Carter made me see a little sense in their relationship, and I got Haley to think about mine and Carters.

Wait, it’s not a relationship, is it?

I mean, one date really doesn’t mean we’re in relationship. Does it? Do I want one with her?

“Yo, can I ask you guys something real quick? And don’t laugh at me either!” They both nod back, telling me to go ahead. “When you first went out with Cassie or my sister, how did you know they would be your girlfriend?” I ask.

“Wow! Is Nick Jackson thinking of finally getting himself a girlfriend?” Reggie asks, actually shocked by my question.

I deadpan him through the rearview mirror while he chuckles a little. I mentally reprimand him, Not the response I wanted, Reg.

“I haven’t asked Haley to be mine yet . . .” TJ says quietly, his knuckles turning white on the wheel when he says it. He seems irritated.

“You both need a good foot up your asses. Get a move on! Otherwise, they’ll walk into another man’s arms and you can’t have shit with them!” Lighting that fire under his ass, TJ races to campus to get to practice. We are approaching the car park. He swerves into a free space and he stops the car with a huge squeak of the brakes.

“I have to make a call, I’ll see you both in there,” TJ rambles and fumbles with his phone as we slowly get out of the car. As slow as possible, so we can overhear his and my sister’s conversation. I know he’s calling Haley right now thanks to Reggie’s encouragement.

“He’s totally calling your sister, isn’t he?” Reggie chuckles as we walk away from TJ’s car.

“Yup.” I pop the “p” at the end for added effect. I place my bag over my head and allow it to fall onto my shoulder across my body, protein shake in hand and ready to go for practice. Reg made me one when he was making his.

“To answer your question, I knew Cassie was girlfriend material when she ran into me in high school. Literally, she was racing around the corner because she was late handing in an assignment. She completely blindsided me, then she fell on top of me when I hit the floor. Once I looked at her, I was a complete goner. That look she gave me made me realize she was the one I wanted, that small little flicker of realization of who I was mixed with amusement.

“I was the big shot in our school, everyone knew it. I had girls lined up for me, but nothing compared to that look she gave me that day. I was tackled by a girl, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I felt even worse when I didn’t know who she was. I felt like shit when I was told she’d been in my classes since kindergarten. I needed to know who she was.” He opens the door for us and we both stride inside to change. “So, I asked around; turns out, one of the guys on the team slept with her best friend, and I found out her name. I went home and stalked her on social media for the entire night. I know, I was weird, but I couldn’t get that look out of my head.” He stares at an empty space, reminiscing about his first meeting.

I know what he’s talking about. Those beady eyes that just stare at you in amazement. That smile they send you that makes everything around you stop. That laugh that makes you seize up because you aren’t prepared when you hear it. Then you long to hear her laugh again by cracking jokes; good and bad.

“So, the next day, I made it my mission to talk to her and ask her out. Once I found her, it took hours because the school was huge. I sent the team around to look for her too. It was like a manhunt that day. Anyway, I found her and sat next to her in all the classes we were in. I knew I wanted to date her just because of her kindness, but she was so goddamn beautiful, I couldn’t pay attention in school or football. She was on my mind twenty-four seven.” I nod, knowing what he’s talking about still.

It’s the same with me for Carter; she’s stuck in my mind and I can’t get her out of it. I don’t want to, but I want to control the urges and thoughts I have about her, especially the not so innocent ones. Out of all my thoughts, I need to get them under control.

“When I asked her out first, she said no.” I laugh at him and he smacks me on the back of my head. But that didn’t stop me, not even a little. My laugh is echoing through the halls as we approach the locker rooms. “Shut up, Jackson, not all of us have those pretty boy looks that get us any girl we want.” He elbows my ribs, getting me to stop.

“Whatever,” I mumble, rolling my eyes with a smile. My looks have served me well through the years.

“Anyway, I kept annoying her. I got her number from her friend and I would message her the game times to come see me. The location of the parties, where she could find me when I was eating with the guys at the local diner . . . you get it. But I messaged her and messaged her until she gave me a shot. When she did, I wooed the shit out of her by taking her to a carnival because her friend told me she liked them. That night, we kissed . . . and don’t you fucking dare quote me on this! I won’t give you any advice in the future if you repeat it to the guys, Jackson!” I hold up my hands in surrender as we stop outside the doors where we can hear chatter and laughter from the inside. “It was the best fucking kiss I’ve ever had. I needed more from her. I had to see her again, and again, and again, until we were official. I knew she was the one when she looked at me that day when she ran into me. I knew by her eyes, as cheesy as it sounds. I just knew by looking at her. I wanted to marry her, I wanted her to carry my kids, and I wanted her love for the rest of my life. There was something invisible there between us, and no matter who got in the way, we’d always find each other.” He shrugs opening the door to the guys changing into the training kit.

“You’ll know what I mean when you find her.” But I already do. I know what he means, and the thought of that scares me a little. Am I too young to know? Reggie is the same age, yet he knows. He has the one. He’s with his future. “Don’t freak out Jackson, I know you are right now.” He laughs trying to calm my racing pulse down.

Is she the one for me?

“Hey man, chill, most people don’t know right away. It’s fine. For some people, it takes a little while longer to find them or for them to open their eyes to see what they’ve already got.” He points to the door as TJ walks inside with fine lines of worry etched on his face. He scurries over to us and starts to unpack. “Well, how’d it go, Romeo?” Reggie teases TJ.

“F-fine,” he nervously responds, throwing his bag down on the bench where his jersey hangs. He’s fidgeting, and I know he’s not focused on practice right now. Reggie laughs and pulls his top over his head. I do the same. “I’m going to tell her tonight,” TJ says after a few moments of silence.

“You’re going to tell her she’s your girlfriend? Dude, not the right way of going about it. You’ve got to ask, not demand it. If she’s anything like Cassie, she’d end your life in a heartbeat,” Reggie advises him. He’s serious too. I’m mentally taking notes.

Woah, chill. Just hold it there. One date, Nick, one date. Don’t scare her off.

“No, I’m going to tell her I love her.” The room goes silent. None of us thought we’d see the day that TJ would say those words. Ever. Especially me. “Then I’ll ask her to be my girlfriend,” he tells us like it’s so obvious. Towels get whipped over at TJ with the boys hollering at what he just said.

“WHIPPED!” is said over and over again as the boys wring up their towels and crack it at TJ’s direction. We’re all laughing until our coach comes in with a face like he got smacked on his ass by his mom.

“You’re all late! Get out there now!” We all rush around to get our clothes on and make a break out the door that he’s holding open for us. One by one, he glares at us as we go out. Once I get my turn, he grabs me by the collar and pushes me back. “Lead your team to state, Jackson. None of this locker room crap until you’ve finished practice. Keep you and your players focused!” I nod back, trying to get away from him. He’s pissed, for whatever reason. I run out the tunnel that I’ve done countless times to get to Bulldog.

Once I reach him, he shakes his head and points over to our coach, who is standing over with the rest of the team with his hands on his hips waiting for me. That’s strange, I don’t usually train with him. It’s always been Bulldog with me.

“Not today, kid, Coach wants you to himself.” I groan, knowing I won’t listen to him. I hate his methods. I don’t respond to them well. The other guys do, but I prefer Bulldog.

“Shit,” I curse as the guys all laugh at me making my way over.

“Jackson and Averman!” He points at me and Ryan. This can’t be good. “You’re with me today and for the rest of the week.” We both grunt back at him. I look at TJ, who is sending me an uneasy look.

Shit will hit the fan between us, it’s guaranteed.

I know Ryan is itching to throw some digs at me, especially about the date last night. “The rest of you boys, you’re with Bulldog for the meantime. Let’s go!” He claps his hands twice, signaling it’s time to get a move on. I clench my jaw as the boys run by me and Ryan, leaving us alone.

“Alright, let’s run some drills. Two laps to warm up and come back to me.” He directs us to the end zone closest to us and we start to jog. We run side by side, neither one of us saying anything to each other. That’ll all change. One of us will crack first.

One lap down and another to go. I’m breathing in and out, and so is Ryan. Coach is going to work us hard today. I can feel it. I’m going to be sore tomorrow and for the rest of the week. Practice is going to be brutal for me and Ryan.

Once both of us have completed the warm-up, coach orders us to stretch. Ryan falls to the ground while I wind up my arms to shake them out. For the next fifteen minutes, we warm our muscles up to get some of the stiffness out. If we don’t do it properly, tomorrow will be a bitch for us both. Still, there is silence between us. Neither one of us is looking at each other. It’s tense, to say the least. One word from either of us and it could all blow up. We both know this, that’s why we’re silent. Neither one of us wants to be benched for the next game.

“Alright, boys, let’s go. Jackson, get some balls. Averman, prepare to run when I say so.” We both nod at Coach. I hate doing these drills in front of him. He reminds me of my dad when I train with him. That’s why I avoid him and go straight to Bulldog. But I guess this is what’s on offer for me and Ryan today. I love my dad, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes he thinks he knows what’s best for me and I hate that. I know my game better than anyone else does but he likes to think otherwise.

Those drills were the ones we did for an hour straight, and I can tell even Ryan is sick of it too. Coach has no idea on how to coach, that’s why we all prefer Bulldog. He knows his shit, he knows his players. Coach just wants the title of being the head coach. He’s not coaching us, he’s taking the credit away from our real coach, Bulldog. “Again!” He snaps me out of my daydream.

“We’ve done this for an hour, Coach, can we at least take a break?” Ryan asks out of breath. To be fair, he’s only missed three of my throws in the last hour. Mainly by me throwing it away from him for a little fun, but coach smacked the focus back into me really quick and I didn’t do it again.

“No, again.” We groan and our heads drop back to look up towards the blue sky. The guys beside us look like they’re enjoying training with Bulldog. I know some of them never had him before and are really enjoying it. I can tell from the yells and laughs as they congregate on the other side of the field.

“Fuck this shit . . .” Ryan mumbles under his breath when he stands next to me.

“What was that, Averman?” Coach sizes him up and gets ready for another throw.

“Nothing, Coach,” he mumbles again.

“What? Speak up, boy!” Coach yells at him, cupping his ear and really pissing him off.

“Nothing, Coach!” Ryan yells back at him.

“Lose that goddamn tone, Averman!” I snicker and get another smack on the back of my head. Ryan then smirks and I glare at him. “Now, both of you focus! I want ten clean passes and then you can take a break!”

He is brutal today. It’s taking everything in Ryan and me not to tackle our own coach. We’re not benefiting from this drill. Sure, it’s fine for passes, but I need to be put under pressure or it’s no good. I need someone to run at me so I can be ultra-focused, but today, I’m not even bothered.

Everyone down south always highlights manners. Respect your elders and watch your language around ladies. That’s what my parents drilled into us as young kids. It’s still in me to this day. As much as I want to curse Coach, I know better than to poke the lion when it’s outside its cage. I wonder what it’s like in the NFL? I wonder what Rodger Steel is like as a coach? I know he’s the best for a reason, but I wonder how good?

Five passes down and another five to go. I’m not even throwing them properly. I just want to get some water and take a break, but coach is depriving us of it until we do what he says.

One more.

I launch it down the line to Ryan, who catches it with ease. I don’t even care anymore. I want to go back to the coach that knows me best; Bulldog. He knows my mind and plays like I know myself.

“Five minutes,” Coach orders and we both jog over to the sideline to get some water with the boys. I see Bulldog and stand next to him.

“Can’t you get him to lay off?” I ask him and he chuckles.

“You must have done something to tick him off, kid. I think he’s trying to make you and Averman talk to one another . . .” I already knew that. That’s why we’ve been isolated from the team.

“But that’s not helping either one of us. You know that, don’t you?” I spin around to face him, guzzling back the cold water to quench the thirst I have. “We haven’t even spoken a word to each other,” I continue, out of breath and still trying to quench my thirst.

“I know, your passes are sloppy, Jackson. I’m over here having a conniption watching you. Keep that head up, I see it dropping . . . But I do get why you’re doing it. There’s a difference between doing lots of drills with no added effect than a small amount of them and putting your all into the passes,” he tells me, and I couldn’t agree more. He hit the nail on the head with that one. My passes are only getting worse because I’m not bothered today. I just want it to be over with. I want to lie back in bed and fall asleep.

“Yo! Why is Coach riding on you and Averman so hard?” Reggie wonders, but I give him a straight face and watch it all link together on his face.

“Few too many hits to the head, Reg!” Bulldog pats his shoulder before walking back out to the field.

“Wait! Can’t you talk to him?” I yell at him, but he shakes his head and brings his two wrists together.

“My hands are tied, kid. Sorry.” He turns back around onto the field, walking back to where he and the rest of the team are. I feel like walking out right now, Coach is not giving me or Ryan a break.

“Averman! Jackson! Let’s go!” he hollers over to us, and we both roll our eyes and groan.

The rest of the team feel like they’re in high spirits. Getting a chance with the real coaching staff while we get the man who doesn’t have the slightest clue on how to coach us.

This is going to be a long practice.

***

“Alright, that’s enough for you both. You’re with me again same time tomorrow.” He points to himself as he walks down the tunnel.

“Well, I learned fuck all today,” I grumble to myself once he is out of hearing range.

“Yeah, you threw like my sister,” Ryan comments. I glare at him.

“You don’t even have a fucking sister, you idiot!” I retort back to him. “I didn’t want to pass to your sorry ass anyway,” I insult him back.

“Well, I caught them, didn’t I?” he snaps back and Bulldog comes between us in a heartbeat, along with some of the boys, to separate us.

“That’s enough, don’t let Coach see you fighting or you’ll both be benched for the next game. You know he will. Be careful. Both of you,” he warns us but neither one of us look away from the stare down. “Locker rooms, now! Let’s go!” He claps his hands together, signaling it’s time to freshen up from the sweat pumping out of us.

With that order, we all make headway towards the locker rooms for a cold shower because we’re all dripping with sweat. This is when guy talk commences about their latest conquests, but this time I zone out. I want to sleep, that’s all I want to do right now.

By the time I’m dressed and ready to go, TJ is waiting outside the room for me, and we walk back to the car. Reggie is meeting Cas, so it’s just us two.

“You wanna go to the girl’s dorm? You know, just to check on them? See if they’re all good . . .” He’s trying to think of the best excuse but I see right through him. We both know this, because we both want to see them. So, we’re both smiling like idiots at each other, both knowing what we’re thinking.

“Yeah . . . just to check on them,” I beam back knowingly.

With that, we buckle ourselves up and drive towards the three amigos’ dorm room. It didn’t take long for us to be parked facing the terracotta building, the sun shining on the windward side. A small number of leaves are gathered around the ground, nestling up in a whirl when the wind catches it.

TJ and I keep walking, through the lobby and up the elevator. It’s quiet; it’s never been like this when we’re both here other than at nighttime, but it’s daylight and it’s strange. Usually, there’re throngs of girls occupying the space and we have to maneuver our way through the sea.

Pressing the fourth floor, TJ rests his head against the steel wall. “I’m so beat,” he says in a lethargic tone. I sigh, silently agreeing with him. I’m exhausted. They worked us super hard today. I suppose it’s becoming a little more pressurizing this time of the season with the championship at stake. We’ve won it for the past five years, and I plan on keeping that streak going.

The bell above the door tells us we’ve reached the floor. “They better have some food!” I joke. TJ chuckles and checks his phone.

“How do you have the energy for food? I want to just lie down and not move for the day. And night, preferably.” TJ knocks on the door and we wait for someone to answer, hoping they’re home.

Haley opens the door wide and sees TJ. She grins at him and lunges for a hug from him. I see Carter sitting on the sofa with her arm resting on the back of the seat and her chin on top of her arm, staring at me. Once we make eye contact, she starts to grin while trying to hide it, but I know she’s happy to see me the same way I’m happy to see her.

I walk over to her and she stands up to give me a hug of my own. Instead of this, I bend down and sling her tiny body over my shoulder.

“Nick!” She giggles into the back of my shirt. I walk us into her bedroom and shut the door.

“I’m so tired and I just want to fall asleep,” I tell her. She once again laughs as I lay her back on her bed with a small bounce. I feel a sudden growth looking down at her with those gorgeous blue eyes.

“You have your own bed.” She grins up at me, and she couldn’t look cuter even if she tried.

“My bed doesn’t have you to cuddle.” I wink as I climb up her bed and lay down. She’s still at the foot of it, smiling at me. I pat the space beside me and get comfortable.

She rolls her eyes, trying not to smile, but she fails miserably. She crawls up beside me and settles right next to me. I lift my arms up and pull her body into mine so her head is resting on my chest. Our legs are wrapped around each other, holding on to one another. This feels so right. “This is exactly what I needed . . .” I shut my eyes and they’re not opening anytime soon. They’re too heavy to open back up.

I feel her kiss my cheek and smile to myself. Dozing off into a perfectly deep slumber, I dream about different things. Football, family, and Carter. The perfect trinity for me.

***

Carter

He’s snoring softly beside me. He fell asleep instantly when I wrapped my arms around him. He breathes rhythmically. I shift my head back a little to stare at him.

I take in his once sharp features that have now softened. The line between his brow is there from the frown he’s probably worn today. I know he was at football practice, I know he’s super tired too. We were up all night talking last night and neither one of us wanted to hang up.

But I fell asleep while I was still on the phone with him. I woke up with it next to me and the battery dead. I remember that he had called me after he dropped me home from our date. Last night was so special to me, I will always remember it as the most perfect date I’ve ever been on. I’ve read so many romantic novels, and I felt like they didn’t even compare to it. I felt like I was on cloud nine the entire night. When he held me to keep me warm, that’s when I knew that I really liked this guy.

I was so tired last night that I didn’t even realize that I had fallen asleep. Then Danielle banged on the door telling me I was late for my first class. I raced around the room, trying to gather my things, but as soon as I got into the class all I did was fall right back to sleep.

The girl next to me woke me up because she wanted to get out of the row and I was blocking it. As soon as I left the auditorium, I decided I needed to go back and sleep before my next class. That’s what I did, I plugged my phone into the charger and set an alarm to wake me back up so I can attend the next lecture.

Once the alarm went off, I felt a little more awake and walked to my next class with Danielle, who was in the same building but had a different class. I’m glad she was there with me, because we saw Maya and her friends hanging around in the hallways. When they caught our stare, they watched us move like a hawk trying to scare us both, to intimidate us enough to get us to leave. But it wasn’t her building, I’m allowed in it and can freely move around campus. She doesn’t own the place.

She has no right to make us both feel like we don’t belong here. She’s a horrible person, and everyone is now realizing that side of her. People have backed away from her, even the football team, who greets me every time they see me. I think that’s from Nick’s influence more than anything.

Once that lecture was finished, I came home and met Haley in the dorm. She was getting super excited about going on a date with TJ tonight and was squealing every five seconds when she found “the perfect outfit.” I sat in the living room with my laptop, half watching TV, trying to make some notes from the class I fell asleep in.

She was running around like a headless chicken having a panic attack every five minutes like she always does when he asks her out on a date. It’s cute, she likes to make everything perfect for him and her. She’s so into the relationship; she has been since the beginning and it’s cute to watch her fluster over him.

Right now, I can hear them mumble to each other through the walls. I know they’re most likely doing the same as me and Nick, just laying with each other and talking. But the big meaty guy next to me has fallen asleep and he looks so adorable.

I decide I’m not going to fall asleep because I won’t be able sleep tonight, so instead, I try to reach across to get my book that’s behind him. I inch closer and closer, trying not to wake him up. He looks like he needs a good sleep today, and I don’t want to ruin that for him. I push my body closer to his, allowing my fingers to reach the tip of my book. Almost got it.

Then he stirs around beside me and flips onto his back. I feel two strong hands pull me across. My entire body is on top of him. His bulging biceps wrap around my waist holding me in place and I start to giggle quietly.

“I like this better,” he mumbles to himself, and I wonder if he’s actually awake right now. I don’t move because I’m so comfy, until I realize my lids are starting to close on their own and I snap them back open.

I can’t fall asleep again or I won’t be able to tonight and I’ll be worse tomorrow. I reach over and grab my book again, this time actually getting a hold of it. I try to roll myself off him, but his grip tightens around me. I laugh silently to myself and try to do it again but he holds me close to him.

“Stop trying to get away from me.” He laughs and I join the party.

“I’m not, I’m trying not to fall back to sleep, actually. I won’t sleep properly tonight and you’re too comfy. I’m going to read, I’ll still be next to you though,” I convince him to adjust his grip. I shuffle up the bed and lean my back against the headboard. His eyes blink open again, watching me.

“I don’t like the position you’ve got going on right now.” He points his finger at my body and trails it up and down. Compromising with him, I pat my legs for him to lay his head on but he shakes his head.

He moves his head to my stomach and rests it there, cupping his large hand around the side of my waist. I laugh, making his head bounce up and down. I stroke his hair with my hand while the other rests on his neck, holding up the book on the last page I read. He’s humming at the small touch as I stroke his hair with my fingers.

I let my mind wander while I listen to him softly snore once again, his finger twitching every so often on my waist. Sometimes, he traces small circles and patterns on the material of my top.

I continue to brush my fingers through his hair while I open up my book. My mom recommended this new book, the one that every woman in the entire country is ranting and raving about. “Rodeo Nights.” I thought it would be a good romance, but it’s turning into an erotic novel and I’m not so sure if I’m liking it or not? I can’t put it down, but at the same time, it makes my eyes widen when I read a sex scene.

I’m as innocent as they get, this is the only type of sexual experience I’ve had, and it also makes me wonder why on Earth my mom thought it would be a good idea to read this book.

It’s like she wants me to experience it. I’m not going to lie, the first sex scene I read had me panting like I was Lori Whiteman getting the royal treatment. Then I remember when I was cleaning Nick up at that party after my date with Ryan. I thought it was his phone poking me, but it wasn’t. It most certainly was not his phone.

This is the reaction you give me most of the time when I’m with you.

I remember what he said. I give him that reaction. Surely, that means he would want me like that? Right?

I don’t even know. I’ve only once ever been in a situation like this. It makes me so unsure. But I’m so glad I didn’t go through with it. I really like him, and I know he likes me back. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that type of thing to happen to me. Maybe if we were “together, together” I would do it? But we’re both in open waters right now; testing it and seeing if we’re staying afloat.

Will I ever be ready for that? I sigh to myself, knowing I would need to be comfortable with the guy I decide to do it with. And I’m very comfortable with Nick. I just don’t want to rush it. I can’t rush things in case it doesn’t work out at all. I don’t want to regret my first time with him. I know he’ll be the one I’ll give it up to, and I know he’ll be sweet about it.

I like him enough to make that decision, but I need to pace myself. It scares the shit out of me. I want it to be special. I want it to be with that special guy. He’s that special guy to me. I know he’ll be gentle too.

He looks like a monster on the outside with his huge build and tall frame; but inside, he’s nothing but a sweetheart. A big mushy, cuddly, giant teddy bear.

I look down at him and stroke my hand lightly in his hair, feeling the softness from it being freshly washed after his training today. He hums in his sleep. I can hear the soft pants leaving his mouth. He’s exhausted, all because we stayed up late las night, talking on the phone after the date. It was the closest thing to being with each other. I didn’t think we should stay the night together after our first date, I knew he was thinking the same thing. I missed him, especially after last night.

I wished he was beside me, holding me while we slept soundly next to each other. He calms me and relaxes me, and I’ve got a feeling I do the same for him too. It’s like we thrive off each other. I have no other way to explain it.

He means a lot to me too. A lot more than any other guy I’ve been with. I stare down at this man laying on my stomach and curling himself around my body. He’s not a boy. He’s a man; he looks like one, acts like one, and is one. He’s built like one. He’s a tank, a monster. But he has the softest heart—the kindest heart. Initially, I thought the opposite, but I was so wrong. So very wrong.

He’s the perfect guy.

Every girl in this entire campus would agree with me, but they don’t know him like I do. While I don’t know everything about him, I want to. I want to know how he grew up. What he was like as a kid. I want to see his baby pictures. I want to laugh with him. I want him to tell me stories about him as a kid. I want to get to know his family a little better. I want him to feel embarrassed when his mom talks to me about him running around, chasing girls. Or when he ran around naked in the house. I want to watch his face light up when he tells me these stories. I want to hear all of that, I want to relive those special moments with him.

I want to be that girl for him.

I want to be his only girl.