Sincerely

When I left the crime scene that day, I couldn’t get the look on Deckard’s face as he looked at the android’s blood on the floor of the alley. Or what he said about the blood and what happened.

“Blood is blood, you look at it and you know a death resulted there, it’s sad. It doesn’t matter if the life was human or android, something sad and scary still happened at the end of the day, and someone was still in pain,” he replied finally. “Someone or thing is still dead and gone.”

It made me feel guilty for hunting down an android who might be caught up in the middle of something and being wrongly accused. I fell deeper into my head rather than climbing out of it, I took Deckard back to my apartment with me and drink some beers, I become drunk and tipsy while he remains sober.

I didn’t know if it was the alcohol or if my feelings had just eaten away at me to the point that I felt I needed to tell him. I reached out and touched his leg and he shifted away. He didn’t seem annoyed, uninterested or disgusted but he did push my advance away.

“Not now, you’re intoxicated,” he murmured.

“You should get some sleep, it’s late,” he continues.

He helped me off the couch and found my way to my bedroom. I remembered my head lulling onto his shoulder due to how drunk I was. He placed me in the bed gently, making sure my head didn’t hit the headboard or anything. When he went to leave, I reached out and grabbed his hand. I didn’t want him to leave.

“Don’t go,” I whispered.

He didn’t seem annoyed, he sat back down and didn’t even take his hand away from me, soon I fell into dreamland holding his hand.

Dreamland wasn’t any more pleasant than the real world tonight. I saw Bailey holding I and Alcuin at gunpoint, Alcuin was bleeding out in my arms. I could feel his life slipping through my hands, literally, as he bled from his wound. I was covered in red, blood.

I woke with a start when Alcuin took his last breath and when I came to, I was mid-scream. Once I realized it was all a dream, I silenced myself, worried I’d disturb my neighbours, all I needed to do was rack up noise complaints with them.

I sat up, trying to compose myself, catch my breath and shake seeing Alcuin’s blood all over me and him dying in front of me.

Deckard appeared in my doorway and sat down beside me on the bed.

“Are you okay?” he asked, gently, looking at me concerned.

I glanced up at him surprised he was still here, I glanced at the clock, it was really late, almost 4:00 am.

“You’re still here?” I asked. “Aren’t you tired?”

What was he still doing here? I think back to the fact that I touched his leg and tried to make a move on him while I was drunk. I was a little embarrassed, but he hadn’t fully rejected me, he could have left me a note or something, or his number, he didn’t have to stay, or make sure I was okay.

“You’re the one who’s worried about me when you got drunk?” he stated.

I avoided his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered hanging my head.

“I don’t know if you should be sorry,” he replied quietly.

“I like you, Deckard,” I spat out. “I’m sorry if I did anything you didn’t want to.”

“I don’t know how I feel about it,” he replied, honestly, reaching out and running his fingers along my arm.

I watched his fingers before looking up at him.

“Why did you scream?” he asks as if he remembered the original reason he came in here.

“I had a nightmare about Alcuin bleeding in my arms,” I replied quietly.

“He’s alright though, isn’t he? In reality?” he replied.

“No one said nightmares were rational, Deckard,” I murmured looking away again.

He slid closer to me, our hips were touching. I froze, unsure if he realized how close he was and if he was just trying to comfort me or if it meant something more, he had never said he felt the same but again he hadn’t rejected me. Maybe we were both scared.

“Have you ever liked guys before?” I ask.

“I’ve never had romantic feelings for anyone before, Lev. It’s not that you’re a guy,” he replies.

He leaned closer to me.

“Do you not like it?” I asked.

“I just told you, I don’t know,” he stated again, nervously.

His hand was still lightly touching mine, I grabbed it, causing him to pause. I leaned onto his shoulder and my hair brushed his neck. I could feel his nervousness.

“Do you want to find out if you like me?” I asked quietly.

“How?” he asked sounding unsure.

“Kiss me,” he stated gently.

He looked at me but didn’t move.

“You’re hungover, I’m not doing this now,” he stated looking away but not moving. “I don’t want you to regret it later.”

“I’m not hungover, Deckard. It’s been six hours, and the alcohol’s effects have worn off,” I reply.

“You wouldn’t have asked me how if you hadn’t thought about it either,” I commented.

He seemed to be thinking about this comment a lot. He turned back and reached over eventually, he touched my cheek pulling my face closer to his, I turned to look at him to see what he was doing. He leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips, I returned the kiss deeply, sparks were flying, and we were lip-locked until I had to pull away to breathe.

We looked at each other for a while, I was giving him time to decide if he liked it or not. He still hadn’t moved away.

“Did you like it?” I asked gently, still touching his chin. “Be honest, I can handle rejection—” I started but he silenced me, covering my mouth with his hand.

He took it away slowly but kept his eyes down, he still looked nervous and unsure.

“I’m not sure, this is not a good time, I’m sorry,” he murmured finally trying to stand up and leave, I took his arm again though.

“Who did you lose? Was it a partner? I can understand the hesitation if that’s it but you haven’t told me anything about who they were to you,” I exclaimed.

I regretted it after, I should have just respected his answer rather than sounding desperate.

“They were like a father,” he replied quietly. “I’m sorry, I’m not good with emotions.”

I turned, reaching over to my bedside table for a piece of paper and a pen. I wrote my number on it.

“For when you are ready,” I commented holding it out to him.

He looked up at me but took it.

“Okay,” he replied putting my number in his pocket.

He stood up and left the rook quickly.

“Goodnight, Deckard,” I called after him, having a feeling it would take him a while to come back this time.

“Goodnight, Lev,” he called back.

I could hear him put on his shoes and coat and leave, the door shutting behind him.

I didn’t expect him to take the bait, and now I couldn’t stop thinking about his lips on mine. They were gentle and warm. I wanted to go after him but I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea, he had to be comfortable and I would never force him. I wondered what was making him hesitate. I wished I knew, so I could help or maybe do things differently.

I laid in bed for a while, unable to go back to sleep, because I was worried about Deckard and worried I’d scared him off. Alcuin being covered in blood was still haunting me when I shut my eyes. I knew he was fine, but it was still there.

I got up after trying to sleep for a while seemed pointless, took a shower and got ready for work. My head was still clouded with thoughts of Deckard and my nightmare but I had a job to do.

I got to the office at 8:00 am and wiped the bulletin board from the Carlos Fairfield case and started fresh, I went over everything slowly. I was partway through the lab results when Alcuin walked into the station with Bailey. His arm was in a sling but other than that he looked fine. He paused with Bailey in a blind space from the other people and the cameras but where I could unknowingly have a clear line of sight.

He reached out and touched Bailey’s hand, but Bailey looked worried and nervous, he turned then and I noticed his indicator was gone, he looked as human as I or Alcuin. Alcuin released his hand and took the files Bailey was holding and walked over to Kramer, our boss’ office which was also in plain view of where I was. I watched him, sensing something was off.

I watched him drop the file on Kramer’s desk, along with his badge, was he quitting? What had happened?

I stepped out of the conference room with the Carlos Fairfield case bulletin in and approached Bailey slowly not wanting to scare him.

“What’s Alcuin doing?” I ask.

“Quitting,” he replied sadly.

“Why?” I ask.

Bailey wouldn’t look at me.

Alcuin exited the office quickly.

“Livingston, we need to talk about this,” Kramer called after him.

“No, we don’t. I handed in my files and my badge, I’m done,” Alcuin comments.

Alcuin nods towards the doors of the station and Bailey quickly followed.

I didn’t understand so I went after them.

“Alcuin, what’s going on?” I ask once we step outside the station.

He looked at me and paused.

“Did you talk with Deckard?” he asks.

“A little, he said he’s not sure how he feels if you were trying to set me up,” I reply.

“He’s still scared,” Bailey whispers.

“Scared? Of what? What people will think?” I question.

“No,” Alcuin replied quietly.

“Of what you will think if you know the truth, I doubt he even knows we know the truth,” he adds quietly.

“Did you look into him or something?” I ask.

“Elias purchased a burner phone, well he bought three in the last month. One ended up in Deckard’s hands and the other in hands of the dead android you found yesterday and one in Bailey’s possession,” he replies.

“So, what are you saying? He bought a burner from Elias, so what?” I inquire.

“What I’m saying is he’s not human,” Alcuin replies, “But there’s no android that looks like him in the system either so, he changed his appearance.”

“You know what they’re going to do when they find out about you two, it’s over unless you protect him like I’m doing for Bailey,” he states.

“Elias is protecting deviants, if you care about Deckard at all, I would leave before they find out and they want to destroy him for being defective, they’re not defective, they’re people. The revolution’s here, Lev. What side are you on?” he reasons before turning and stalking away.

I was left there, confused and unsure of what to do with this new information.