Sincerely

I sat in the passenger seat of Lev’s sedan reading through Carlos’ journal. I was used to reading works of fiction by him, it was different to read something rooted in reality.

I don’t know if he feels things, I would hate it if he felt I was holding him here when he could be free. If he asked to leave, I would let him, he deserves the freedom and the ability to live his life as much as any human. He seems happy and I wouldn’t want him to leave, I need him almost, I don’t know if I could live on my own again, not just because of my age, but because I feel I would be lonely without him. I would miss him.

Read one passage, I felt none of that before he died, but now that I knew what he was talking about I understood why he might think that or feel that way.

When we pulled up to the lighthouse, it looked so quiet and peaceful, compared to the city and its crowded streets and the feeling I was being watched no matter where I went regardless of whether or not anyone knew I was a deviant or not. I watched Lev from the car, with snowflakes falling around the car, and getting stuck to his clothes, hair, and beanie. I watched how his cheeks flushed red because of the cold.

An older man, his uncle he claimed answered the door. He looked rough, he had a black beard, with some grey coming through, and looked to be in his fifties. Something about him just made me feel weird. I didn’t know how to describe the feeling but just looking at him, I didn’t feel safe here as beautiful as it was.

We carried our things inside, and settled into the small dark space, lit mainly by yellow light bulbs. I sat on the bed distracted by my own thoughts, holding the candle that reminded me of Carlos. I wanted to light it but I had no means to, I thought maybe it would make me feel more comfortable, or distract me from how off I felt about Josh. I didn’t know what it was, and I didn’t want to be rude so I didn’t make a fuss about it to Lev, we probably didn’t have many options at this point anyway.

Lev came back to the room after checking on something and noticed me with the candle.

“Do you want me to see if Josh has a light?” he asked.

“What?” I asked, realizing he was talking to me.

“Do you want to light it? Do you want me to find a lighter? I’m sure Josh has one somewhere around here,” he tries again.

I looked down at the candle. I set it aside, shifting uncomfortably.

Lev sat down beside me, touching my thigh lightly again.

“Are you okay?” he asks quietly.

“I don’t feel safe here,” I whispered.

He reached out and touched my cheek gently, playing with my sideburns.

“Is it Josh?” he asks quietly again. “He can be off-putting when you first meet him.”

I didn’t want to be mean so I held my tongue at first glancing away from him.

“Deck?” he questioned.

“You should go eat, I’ll be fine,” I comment again not wanting to hurt or offend Lev or his family.

I moved to the other side of the bed and lay down. I could feel Lev watching me but after a few minutes, I heard him slip out of the room. I sighed and lay in the bed looking up at the ceiling for a bit before rolling over and curling into the fetal position on my side, and closing my eyes. I listen to the creaking of the lighthouse and the howling wind outside.

I didn’t know where I’d be without Lev. I lay there with my eyes shut trying to put my feelings into words, in a way that would be easily understandable and wouldn’t hurt Lev but it was hard, even with access to the internet, I guess that's why people say emotions are messy, and words can’t always express them.

I heard the door open and shut behind me. I could feel someone’s eyes on me again, I knew it was Lev again.

I heard some movement around the room again before I felt the bed move, I felt Lev touch my shoulder gently. I rolled over slowly, opening my eyes and looking at him.

His hand moved gently from my shoulder to my face. He looked concerned.

“Deckard, talk to me, please,” he murmured.

“You said it yourself, he’s off-putting to people at first, I don’t know how to describe it or what it is, I’m sorry,” I replied honestly.

He looked at me sadly.

I moved closer to him, finding comfort in being close to him. He embraced my closeness, resting his chin against my hair. We lay there for a while, in silence.

“Just give it time, it might not be Josh, it might just be hitting you that we have to watch our backs now that we’re on the run,” he whispers.

“Maybe,” I replied.

I hoped he was right. Even then I didn’t like being scared and having to watch over my shoulder. I just wanted to experience and enjoy the world to its fullest, with Lev by my side.

I lifted my head after a bit and kissed Lev on his lips, his hands rested against my chest, I kissed him deeply and he returned it quickly. My hands moved, becoming tangled in his hair before a knock came at the bedroom door, startling me. I moved off him, feeling my face flush.

I could feel Lev catch his bearings and breath before going to the door to see what Josh wanted. He opened the door before saying a few short words and shutting it again, I couldn’t really hear what was said.

“What did he want?” I ask quietly.

“He said I should call my mother,” he murmured.

He seemed nervous.

“Do you want to call her?” I ask lightly.

“I do, but I’m not sure she’ll understand all of this,” he replied. “It might take her time. I guess I’m nervous, and scared, too.”

I looked him over.

“She’s your mother, she loves you, doesn’t she?” I reply.

He gave me a sad smile.

“She does, she and my father got divorced after I came out because she accepted me and he didn’t,” he explained.

“What happened to him?” I asked carefully.

Lev shrugged.

“I haven’t seen him much since, my mother sends him birthday and Christmas cards every year but other than that, neither of us has much contact with him,” he answers.

I would do a lot to get Carlos back, it angered me that his father would just cut him off like that.

I went to speak when Lev’s phone rang, he looked at it and the nervousness turned to fear in his features. I reached over and squeezed his leg, trying to comfort him as he did me, he looked at me before getting up again and slipping out of the room with his phone to answer it.