Sentilia

ELIS

What happened at that moment, I could not tell precisely. It was like my whole world had stopped turning. All I could see didn’t mean anything anymore. All my life, there had been a hole in my chest, an emptiness, which grew bigger as time went by. Every bit of my body had ached for so long, tortured by the lost of my parents, of my sister, of my soul. My feelings had been encaged; I was never to feel again. But the sight of her face broke the curse, made me feel alive on the verge of death; the death of my mind, of my spirit, not of my body. I had been alone in my head for so long, without anyone to talk to; no one could understand me. I had once felt the need to stay silently put, alone, sitting on a chair for the rest of my life, waiting for the end to come, or for my sanity to come back. But I had forced myself to continue to live my life the way it had been planned; I was going to be a brilliant doctor.

My will almost failed when my parents died. One day my parents decided to go down to the river, a day of fun and sunshine they had said. They tried to guilt me into coming, joking that I was the only one who knew how to swim, so the only one that could save them, if they fell in. I just told them to be careful, refusing to join them, because fun was not part of my vocabulary.

It was later that day that I was told my mom had fallen into the water and my dad, not knowing how to swim either, jumped in to try and save her. My mom had always been clumsy, and not very cautious either. It was almost ironic, and to think that I could have been there... But the worst part had been telling my sister. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.

After the accident, I had forbidden my sister to learn how to swim; it was just too risky. She said that it was exactly why she had to learn, not to perish like them. But I had taken my dad’s role, and my decisions were not to be second-guessed. I was stupid, and didn’t want her to take any risk if it meant I could lose her. She was right, of course. Like she always was.

A year later, just when things were becoming normal again, she tells me she’s been in love with Kleio for months, keeping it from me, not knowing how to tell me. My best friend. My best friend and my sister. She was 16 years old. I blew up. I had chased her away like an idiot, because I didn’t know how to take care of her anymore, now that she was growing up.

But right now, nothing mattered anymore, because she was here. Not my sister, but her. I didn’t even know her name, I had just barely seen her for the first time, but still, I knew. She was going to change my life, make me happy again. I cared about nothing else at that moment. All I wanted was to have her in my arms. But at the same time, how could I allow myself any happiness, how could I forget about what I had done to my sister, to myself. I couldn’t; I couldn’t let myself slip and forget why it would be unfair to be with her, to have hope again.

A second had passed, and the truth of my own words froze me in place. Would I die alone after all? It would have been less of a torture for her to be just a dream. But her eyes flickered in the light; she was undoubtedly real. As I fervently thought those words, she lost her balance. Her knees faltered and she started to fall. My reflexes triggered, my arm flinched, but my brain made me willingly stay put. I saw Kleio throw himself towards her. He caught her, his eyes full of concern, and gently laid her delicate body on the couch. She looked like an angel. I could see myself by her side. I would be the one to catch her if she fell. But it was Kleio who did. It was always him.

His reaction made jealousy boil in my veins. He had always been the better man. I could not deny that he was always ready when I wasn’t. The jealousy was growing at an amazing speed, pulsing threw my body, unlocking it. He was there, doing my job, his hand fluttering from her head to her neck. I was the doctor and he had no right...

No—I couldn’t blame Kleio for my helplessness. After a moment, I even realized that I was grateful that he was there, not letting her fall when I did. But with my now moving body, I managed to kneel next to her, Kleio letting me take his place. I couldn’t help her anymore, she was unconscious. There was nothing to be done, so I just sat there, tortured inside, looking at her beautiful face, waiting for the moment she would wake again.