Sentilia

I opened my eyes in my own bedroom, and suddenly, I knew what to do.

I could not stay here a minute longer. After seeing the look in his eyes, after hearing him ask me to come find him: I couldn’t believe he didn’t exist in real life anymore. I couldn’t believe it all was imaginary.

I would find where the island was located; I would explore every inch of the earth until I found it. I could be locked up for being mentally ill, but the only thing that mattered to me now was finding answers. Finding Elis.

I got up, got dressed and left.

I left a short note to my parents.

Mom, Dad,

I have to leave for a while. I can’t tell you why, but I have to do this, and I have to do this alone. Don’t be scared—everything will be okay. I’m not crazy, I’ll explain later. Thank you, I love you. I hope you will still love me too.

I was off to get information at the museum first. I wanted a map of the world, one of before the moment of consciousness.

I left the apartment by foot. I wasn’t exactly sure why, but it seemed more natural now. I’d never liked the transporters anyway, and I wasn’t going to fight it anymore. I left on impulse, adrenaline was flowing through me, and so I didn’t notice the height as much. I hadn’t realized I was crying either.

I touched my cheeks and looked down at my hands. My foot caught in one of the seams on the pathway, and I fell on the floor, sobbing, my whole frame shaking. What if he wasn’t real? What if I never found him? What if I would never feel that way about anyone else? Was I grateful for these dreams after all? Was it better to feel loss and helplessness, or to feel nothing at all for the rest of your life? Could I have lost my mind in a matter of weeks? How did these feelings, so new and so powerful, overwhelm my mind and take over my whole life?

I was spiraling. I looked down and on my right hand, a red drop shone in the dim light of the rising sun. I lifted my head, and another drop fell on my arm. My nose was bleeding. I got up slowly and started walking again.

I was fighting to keep my calm. I glanced nervously around me; I was surrounded by tall glass walls on either side. I felt cornered. I was trying to breathe, but my chest was constricting. What was I doing? I was crying so hard now that I was almost at the point of screaming. I wanted to tear myself apart.

I stopped abruptly; someone was standing a few yards away. I could see a blurry shape, so I tried blinking, wiping my eyes and cheeks. It was five o’clock in the morning; who would be taking a walk at this time? The person was facing away, but through the tears still pouring down my cheeks I made out the shape of a tall man.

My tears seemed to slow as the seconds ticked by, and I was more in control of myself. I took a step forward, blinking twice. He was wearing a thick black coat, made out of...leather? I shivered and realized I was underdressed for the chilly morning weather.

I didn’t want the man to notice me, so I would try passing behind him quietly, and quickly, before he could turn around and see the pathetic state I was in.

I started moving forwards, making my steps as light as I could, and as I got closer and closer, I could see him clearly.

I could see his posture. I could see his tousled hair; I could see his hands leaning against the glass wall. He heard me approaching, and his face shifted slightly towards me, allowing me to see his profile. I stopped dead in my tracks.

He turned around.

His eyes. His smiling eyes, his perfect nose, his full lips.

Elis was standing in front of me.

It was impossible, yet it was real. Very much so. I blinked. He looked up and his face froze for a second, but then he smiled politely. I reached towards him; I needed to touch him to be sure it wasn’t all a making of my imagination. He flinched.

“Elis...” I smiled warmly, letting him know I knew who he was, too.

“My name is William.” His smile faded. “Are you okay? Do you need any assistance? You look shaken.” He was frowning. “I’m a doctor, let me help you.”

At first, hearing his voice sent a jolt of excitement through me. But as I took in his expression, his words, I started feeling nauseous. I caught myself of the glass wall behind me.

He took my arm and my hand, and helped me stand up straight. His closeness, his touch, made me realize what was happening. Elis wasn’t standing in front of me. He wasn’t the same person, but then again, he was. William had appeared out of nowhere, at the same time and place I was, a place I never usually went. The coincidence was eerie, and I couldn’t stop here. As surreal as this was, having Elis—no, William—made me realize that I was on the right path, that I was doing the right thing. I was one step closer to making sense of it all. It was suddenly clear that all of it was very real.

“Yes, I need assistance.” I smiled, suddenly more in control and feeling better than ever before in my life. I took my hand. I led him forward, and he followed without another word.

We walked to the museum together without speaking. I had let go of his hand, but he was still following me. I couldn’t look at his face, imagining what he was thinking of me. That I was crazy, probably.

I walked, almost ran, to the room where I could easily get some old maps, some newer ones, and a pen. The clerk gave me all I needed without asking any questions—I still told him I wanted the maps for a school project—and we walked towards the exit.

When we had gone in, he had let me pass in front of him. It was probably just a coincidence, though. He couldn’t be the same man Elis was, the perfect gentleman of my dreams. I wanted to see if he would do it again, so I slowed my pace, and he exited first, just as I thought. Before I could feel any disappointment, his name appeared on the identification screen, distracting me.

William Colton.

I reached out for his hand, to stop him. He turned around, and I just stared at him. I almost felt relieved when I looked deep into his eyes and felt the raging storm of emotion inside me. He blushed slightly as I searched his face, a feat I had not seen from Elis. Our fingers were intertwined. This time, he was the one to pull on my hand to try and lead me forwards. He was testing me to see if I would follow, his face unsure. I didn’t know where he would take me, but I let him lead the way without hesitation. Somehow I felt like he knew who I was, even if he’d said he didn’t.

We walked back the way we had come. The silence was getting a bit tense. He eyed me furtively, and I knew he was getting the same feeling.

We were in front of a housing tower a few blocks away from mine. “Here we are. This is my apartment.” His attempt at smiling failed.

I couldn’t believe he lived so close to me all this time. How many times had I crossed his path without even knowing it?

We entered his apartment, which was pretty similar to my family’s. I made my way to the dining table, and sprawled my newly acquired items on it. I sat down on the closest chair, and he sat down in front of me.

“I guess I have to explain myself now.” I smiled, apologetic.

Elis, no, William, started speaking before I finished: “I had a dream about you. I don’t know how it happened. I had never seen you before in my life. In this dream I had a few days ago, I was like in another world. I was in a strange house, and then you appeared, and I couldn’t move. I was...awestruck by you. Then, you fainted in front of me but I couldn’t do anything to help you. It was like I was another person. The dream just felt so real.” He seemed engrossed in his own story, he was looking away. His face was wary as he told his story with the candidness we all had in our society.

He started again, now looking at me: “I know it must sound...” I cut him off. “No, it doesn’t,” I breathed. It didn’t sound crazy, or foolish, or made up, because I’d had the same dream. It was the very first time I’d seen him; how would I forget? I had trouble believing it.

“I also had that dream,” his face changed, and I couldn’t look at him as I continued, “I’ve been having weird dreams about living in the past, well, about people living like they did in the past, on an island. And, I think—well now I’m sure—that the dreams have some kind of reality to them. I know I’m the one who sounds crazy now, but I think that there is an island somewhere in the world where people live like they used to in the past. I want to find it.” I looked up, his face was inscrutable. I continued: “I also had...quite a connection with you in those dreams...In fact, the reason I fainted in your dream was because in mine...when I saw your face, I just...it was like...”

Silence.

At first I had wanted him to know how I felt, but I was starting to have second thoughts. Of course his feelings wouldn’t be the same as mine. He barely knew me. I couldn’t control his actions in real life; I could barely influence him in my own dreams. What if telling him the whole story would really make him leave?

He interrupted my train of thought: “Okay. Well, how do we find this island you’re talking about?”

A month ago if someone would have told me what I had just told him, I would have called the med facility to come and get him. Maybe, ironically, he was the one that was crazy. But who was I to judge?

How could it be that we were both having dreams about each other without even having met before? How could we both have exactly the same dream? Something was happening, but it wasn’t anything I could even begin to explain. My mind was creating wild scenarios, linking all of this to my strange premonitions, or to some new technology someone was testing on us. In fact, all of this happened at about the same time that my mom found out she would be one of the Advisors. Could there be a connection? I didn’t want to think my mom had any involvement in this.

As for William, I could feel he was different than the rest of our society—maybe because I was too—and I didn’t want to start questioning him. I just wanted him to come with me; I didn’t have time to let him come to his senses.

“Ok, well, I know the island is somewhere off the coast of California. Other than that...I don’t really know,” I said, apologetically.

As he opened his mouth to reply, I cut him off in spite of myself: “My mom is calling me.” But the phone didn’t ring, and he just looked at me, blinking, clearly uncomfortable. A few seconds passed. Okay, I had been wrong for once, no big deal: except that I wanted to crawl under my chair. I was bright red and he just smiled politely. I got up to look at the map trying to act like nothing had happened, and then the phone rang.

William looked up, astonished. I rolled my eyes at the embarrassment the delay had caused. I was now just hoping it really was my mother. I usually couldn’t tell who was calling, so that was a first.

I answered slowly, assessing William’s cautious expression: “Hello?”

“Max, why am I calling at ‘William Colton’s’ place? Who is he and what are you doing at his place? What’s happening?” I smiled, pleasantly surprised. My mom’s voice was tense.

“Mom, calm down. I just need to leave for a little while. What I wrote on that note was all you needed to know. I can’t tell you more. I need you to trust me and I need you to please not track me. I’m not even asking you to understand because I know you won’t, but I’m not in any trouble mom, nor are you, I know I’m not crazy okay? Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.” I turned around so William wouldn’t see my face betray my words. My mom shut the camera off at that point. I waited for her to start screaming, arguing, telling me to come back, I was expecting anything but the silence at the end of the line. “Mom, are you still there.” I turned to William. “Maybe the connection was broken off?” I frowned.

“I’m still here,” my mom answered. I realized this was the second time in the past few weeks that my mom didn’t have any reaction when I had acted completely crazy. I was starting to think that she knew what was happening, that she knew more than she was willing to say. However, that was impossible, because it would mean that she was involved with whatever was happening to me, and I knew my parents wouldn’t hide this from me. My parents had always insisted that we not keep any important secrets from each other.

Nevertheless, my mom not accusing me of being crazy was more than bizarre. I had been telling myself that I was right about the island and that it all existed, but I was still surprised, shocked even when she said grudgingly: “I know where you’re going. I knew this was going to happen.” I could here her inhale, and exhale, at the other end of the line. “It’s on the coast of California, just above the northern side of the hemisphere line, 2,500 miles out,” she paused again. I needed to take a deep breath, but I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Just be careful, please, and know that I love you, and whatever things we might have kept from you were to protect you,” then she hung up.

“So...I guess we know where it is now,” I said to William, with a half-smile.

I had so many questions for my mom right now, but I knew I wouldn’t have those answers before long. Did she know about the island because of her new training to become an Advisor? Or was it something else? Would she even be allowed to give me that kind of information? The kind of information that the Advisors didn’t want any of us to know. Was she even talking about the same place I was? I had to assume so. It was my only lead anyways, so I’d start with that.

“Why does your mom...” he started saying, but stopped when he saw me shaking my head, dumbfounded. I’d never been so confused in my life, but I’d also never seen things any clearer.

“Um, well, it’s not on any of our maps, so the transporter might have difficulty getting there. We’ll have to enter the approximate coordinates manually and hope for the best. In the meantime, maybe we should pack a few things: clothes—light clothes—, food, anything you think we might need. We’re probably going to be in that transporter for a while.” He got up and after a moment’s hesitation, I added: “Are you sure you want to come?” What I really meant was: why do you want to come? I think he understood the meaning of my question, and he sat back down. He looked deeply into my eyes—my heart fluttered lightly—and he hesitantly took my hand in his.

“I don’t even know what your full name is ‘Max’,” he said.

“Maxine. Maxine Costa. But you usually call me Max...Um...I mean,” I meant Elis calls me Max.

“Maxine—” I guess William wouldn’t call me Max.

“—I know you probably think I’m deranged. But I’m not. I like to be able to explain things, but when I can’t I become... frustrated.” I still felt a connection with him, more than just physical attraction, even if he wasn’t Elis. I couldn’t explain why, I just did. “On top of that, something happened in my life a few weeks ago, and I’ve just felt trapped...I had no clue what I was doing on the pathway this morning when you found me. I was just sort of...there. And then you were too. I couldn’t believe it was you: the same girl from that mysterious dream,” he chuckled, but his face was glum, “I know you’re going to help me find myself again, I can feel it. I know it sounds weird but I can feel it in my bones. You’re not the only one who feels a connection between us. I know it wasn’t all just a coincidence. Someone else is going to do the saving this time, and it’s going to be you.” He smiled at me and though I felt the attraction and fascination I had for Elis multiplied, it was also mixed with a type of fear, now that I was experiencing it for the first time in real life. It was like everything I did or said really counted this time. And I wasn’t sure if I liked the idea of having to start over.

William got up and headed to one of the bedrooms. I picked up the pen awkwardly and started drawing an itinerary on the maps; trying to be the most accurate I could with my basic drawing skills; I had tried it once of twice before for a history project. Those were the kinds of insignificant things they would teach us about the past.

Meanwhile, I could hear William rummaging in the adjoining room. He came out looking simply irresistible. He had a white t-shirt and a pair of vintage style denims on. He smiled at me and I couldn’t help but think he was the most handsome man I had ever seen in my life—I could say it now. I was ogling at him, and his smile got wider. He looked down. I had a flashback of the scent of Elis’s perfume.

“I packed some clothes for you, so you don’t have to go back home. I’ll go put the suitcases in the transporter.” He left the apartment. Since I had finished tracing the itinerary, I decided I’d take a look at the rest of the apartment.

In fact, without wanting to admit it, I figured that snooping around would help me get to know him better. I was curious to know more about his family too. He had packed some clothes for me, so did he have a sister, like Elis? Where was his family now? It was unusual to have all members of the family work outside their homes.

I entered the room to my right, which was my room in my apartment. It was his parents’ bedroom. There was not much to see; I was about to walk out of the room, but then a saw a few pictures on their desk that caught my eye. The biggest one was a happy family picture with William, his parents and...Cassiopeia. She looked exactly the same as in my dreams; I wasn’t that surprised. The same gorgeous face and sparkling eyes I remembered. I had never seen their parents before, and now I was submitted to the fact that they were, obviously, as striking as their children were. They clearly chose for their kids to have their exact genes; the resemblance was undeniable.

I wondered for a moment if this meant that his parents had also passed away, like Elis’s. The film of dust covering the room hinted to a despondent conclusion.

I walked out, feeling uneasy, and headed to the next room, which looked similar to the pink room in Elis’s office building. It took me by surprise to see such a brightly colored room in the real world.

I moved on to William’s room. It was ordinary: pale blue walls, boring furniture and a big glass wall. I was a tad disappointed but not really that surprised. I sat on the edge of the bed, and stared out the window. The sun was almost all the way up, and I could tell it was going to be a beautiful day.

A minute had passed. I was still unmoved on his bed when I heard my stomach growl. I hadn’t eaten since I had gotten up, and I was so tired, it felt like I hadn’t slept at all. I decided I’d take a peek at the kitchen to see if there was any food. It wasn’t like the food was his anyways; it was common to share this way amongst us, everything belonged to the community. I would take the opportunity to grab a few things to bring with us too.

I slowly trotted out of William’s room, and into the kitchen. I was used to seeing a small refrigerator, mostly to keep drinks, and a small oven to reheat cold leftovers. What I didn’t expect was this humongous refrigerator with double doors; it was as tall as me. There was also a stovetop and an oven greatly oversized compared to ours. Why did he need such big appliances? Curious, I opened the fridge, and the cold air made me shiver as the findings did. The interior was full of raw, uncooked, unprepared food.

They prepared and cooked their own food. I didn’t think it was possible for people to do that here. A month ago, I would have been really upset by this, but right now I was in total wonder. Was there a way to live so differently within our society?

I was discovering William was more like the man of my dreams than I would have thought. Was he the only one though? Were there a lot of people who knew about the past, who still mimicked it in some way, like William did? This comforted me more than it should.

I wandered back to his room, smiling, and laid myself on the edge of his bed. I probably wasn’t going to find anything that I could eat, or anything I could prepare by myself, so I decided I would try to rest my eyes. I didn’t really want to sleep, but he was taking a long time, and when I felt myself drifting away, I didn’t try to stop.

I was standing in front of a beautiful man. Not Elis, nor William. He was the same, physically, but there was something about his jet black, hostile eyes that made me take a step back. I felt my love for him scorching inside me. But I was also terrified of him. He had a black stain on his right arm forming a complex design, and two tightly clenched fists. He had an arrogant expression and a nervous immaturity that I couldn’t imagine my Elis having. I started experiencing a range of painful new emotions. I knew I was dreaming, but this was different, I couldn’t control anything, I didn’t feel safe, and I couldn’t help the way I was feeling. My heart felt like it was being crushed by his iron hands. I was being invaded by an excruciating resignation and a feeling of a loss I couldn’t not put into words. The weight of my pain was heavy on my shoulders. Too heavy. I broke down, and as my knees touched the ground, everything went blank. I couldn’t see or feel anything anymore. A total void.

And then I understood that, even if I were to live another hundred years, I would never lift myself completely off the ground again.