Seer

Brenda

I have never felt so cared for. I would almost feel awkward, having him exert so much effort for me, but he is making it absolutely clear that he is delighted to be doing it all. I think he is loving this day even more than I am. He seems filled with joy. Earlier when he was bustling around preparing dinner, I realized that under his breath he was whistling one of the Eagles songs that we listened to on the way up here. He looked over at me with shining eyes when he got to the part where I know that the lyrics are “I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight, with a million stars all around.” I feel so much love.

The steak was sublime. I don’t know exactly what he did to grill it to such perfection over the open fire, under the sky here in the desert, but I have never tasted anything more delicious. Now, with the twilight gathering, the sky slowly slipping from orange to pink to purple, we are enjoying the apple pie that we picked up on the way here.

And every bite feels like it is infused with Ron’s love.

I think that until today, I had still felt hesitant about him. I didn’t genuinely believe that he was back with me. I couldn’t really trust his love, after everything that happened. When we first got together, our love was so passionate, so fierce, so eternal. Or so I thought. When he left me, way back when I was pregnant with Natalie over seven years ago, I was devastated. I felt mortally wounded. When it became clear that I somehow wouldn’t die from the pain, my emotions shifted to anger. Bitter, hateful, intense anger.

After the divorce was over, and we settled into a routine of custody, I got over the rage that I felt for so long. A sort of sad numbness settled over my life, and I believed I was content with being a mom, working at my job, having a home and friends of my own. There was a sort of limbo going on, and I told myself that my kids were completely sufficient to fill any emotional needs that I might have.

We’ve slowly been coming back to each other, though. Maybe for the kids, maybe for convenience, but for the last year, we’ve been spending more and more time together. After September 11, we both felt an overwhelming impulse to stop being apart at all. The events of that day were shocking and horrifying, and it was what was needed to push us together. We’ve been together since then, and happy to be with each other.

But it hasn’t felt real to me. More like a good dream, that I knew I would inevitably have to leave behind when I wake. It has felt like I was revisiting a past era, that although pleasant must eventually be left to history.

But today that feeling is starting to fade. Can the dream be real? Sometimes I have such intense dreams that it is almost difficult to tell the difference between the waking and dreaming worlds. Have I stayed in the dreaming world? Has that world somehow become my reality?

We have finished the pie, and are starting to hear the sounds of night descending over the desert. It’s not dark yet, but it will be soon. I sigh, a long, contented breath leaving my body with the last of my hesitation about Ron.

I reach over and take his hand. I bring it to my lips, kiss his fingers, and say, “Thank you, Ron. Everything about this day is just perfect. I have loved it. And, I love you.” I’m looking down as I say this, stroking his fingers.

He takes in a deep, sudden breath, almost a gasp. He brings his hand, fingers entwined still with mine, up to my face and caresses my cheek with the back of his hand. His voice full of emotion, he says, “I love you Brenda. I don’t know if you understand how much I love you. With all of my being, with everything I am. Thank you so much for being here with me. Today has been everything I hoped for.”

Tears brush my eyelashes. I kiss his fingers one more time, then release his hand and shake my head to clear it. “Come on, we should clean this up before it gets dark.” I start to pick up our plates.

“Nah, I’ll take care of it tomorrow. Let’s just chuck it all back in the box and go take a walk. It’s nice and cool now, and we’ll still be able to see for a little while.”

I smile at him in the twilight. “That sounds lovely.”

In a few minutes we have stashed all the dirty dishes and leftovers away in a big plastic container, safe from desert creatures, and are heading off into the night. He has a flashlight with him, but we can still see well enough to walk. The crescent moon is still in the western sky, getting ready to follow the sun down below the horizon. It’s still high enough to cast a little light. There are a few stars already starting to dot the sky, peeking through the gathering dusk. Ron holds my hand, guiding me along, making sure I can navigate the path safely.

We get far enough away from the campsite that we can’t hear any of the other people who have been gathering throughout the day. Tonight’s meteor shower is apparently a much anticipated event, so there are a number of folks out here to enjoy it. We stop on a slightly elevated hillside, bare granite rock under the blooming stars overhead. There’s a view up here, of the valleys below, still barely perceptible in the last of the light.

We stand together, Ron’s arm around my shoulders, looking around at all the darkening beauty surrounding us. After a moment, he gently spins me around, wraps both arms around me and lowers his face to mine.

We kiss in the starlight. My heart is bursting with love. He kisses me slowly, tenderly, alternating between caressing my face and hair, and moving his hands down the length of my body. I press myself to him, feeling that he is again full with desire.

After several minutes, he breaks off the kiss and just holds me. We stand pressed together, body to body, at one with each other.

I am watching the dark sky, across the horizon, when suddenly a huge flash of light streaks horizontally over the hills. I suck in my breath in amazement. He quickly lifts his head, and catches the meteor as it is still making its fiery journey across the sky. It lasts several seconds, and is incredibly impressive.

“My god!” I say, “that was amazing!”

I can tell he’s smiling. “An earthgrazer. During meteor showers, sometimes they start hitting the edge of the atmosphere at a low angle, and skim past rather than shooting straight down. I was hoping to see something like that tonight.” He sighs with contentment. It’s nearly dark now. He is just a silhouette against the deep purple sky.

After a minute more of silence, standing arm in arm and watching the sky, he says, almost hesitantly, “Brenda?”

“Mmhmm?” I ask, leaning my head against his chest.

“I have… I want to tell you something. Can you bear with me for a moment?”

I lean back to look at him, and am just barely able to make out his face. His features are intense, focused, and somehow worried.

“Of course,” I tell him, concerned. Oh god, he isn’t going to break up with me, is he? No, of course not, idiot, I chide myself. The whole point of this day has been, I think, to demonstrate that he doesn’t plan to do that.

He takes in a shaky breath. “I want to ask your forgiveness.”

“What?” I’m surprised. I wasn’t expecting that at all.

“I will never stop hating myself for what I did. For leaving you. I was weak, and stupid, and selfish, and it was the worst mistake I ever made.”

I start to talk, but he says, “Please, just wait, just listen. I have to say this.”

We’re still arm in arm. I lean my head back down, and nod against his chest, and watch the sky while he continues speaking.

“I never stopped loving you. Even when I was with … old what’s-her-name.” I chuckle under my breath, amused by his reluctance to speak her name in front of me. I got over that long ago, but it’s cute that he fears offending me.

I can tell he’s relieved to hear me chuckle rather than get mad over him mentioning his old girlfriend. “To be honest, that was the whole problem with her. She wasn’t you. I was still in love with you, even though I had stupidly left. And she could tell. We were never truly happy together, and she was usually mad at me for being distracted.”

“You don’t have to explain this, Ron,” I whisper. I surprisingly don’t find it painful to hear about it, but I’m worried that he will find it painful to talk about it.

“No, I want you to understand. I have to tell you the whole thing, so that you can know what I’m asking you to forgive.”

I nod again, and wait for him to go on.

“It didn’t take very long for her to give up on me. She knew I would never really be with her fully. And honestly I was glad when she left. I was too chicken to do it myself, and too selfish. I was worried that if I lost her, after I had already lost you, I would just be alone.”

He sighs and holds me tighter.

“But, of course, that’s what happened. I had ruined our marriage, and then ruined the stupid relationship I tried to replace it with. I felt so sorry for myself.”

I rub his back with the hand I have wrapped around his waist as we stand together, side by side, still watching the night sky. Another meteor shoots overhead, and we both pause to watch it, but neither of us mentions it.

“That was right before Thanksgiving, when Natalie was a newborn. I had missed your whole pregnancy. I wasn’t even there with you when she was born. I felt like the worst failure on the planet. I despised myself. And I missed you. I missed you so, so much.”

I feel his heartbreak soaking through me, yet my lips twitch in a little smile. I remember what happened next.

“So, like the colossal jerk that I was, I asked you if we could spend Thanksgiving together.” He shudders, physically affected by the memory of that event.

“Yeah,” I tell him, “that I remember. I still can’t believe that I slapped you. I’ve never forgiven myself for that.”

“I deserved it,” he assures me. “I would have deserved it if you’d slapped my foolish head straight off my shoulders. That was the stupidest, most mortifying thing I had ever asked anyone. I’m still embarrassed when I think about it. If you’d murdered me on the spot it would have been justifiable homicide.”

He only sounds like he’s half joking. I have to laugh a little.

“But then, somehow, you were gracious enough to let me continue seeing the kids. I know it was hard, and the whole court thing was awful, but I was so grateful when we were able to agree to a visitation schedule. And so relieved when you seemed like you weren’t so furious with me any more.”

I sigh. “Yeah,” I nuzzle against his chest. “Looking back on it I can’t believe how mad I was all the time. I guess I just got tired of it. Anger is draining.”

His arm around my shoulder lifts, and he strokes my hair with his hand. “I still missed you all the time. I looked forward to visitation, not just because I wanted the kids, but because I at least got to see you for a couple of minutes when I was picking them up. But I was still always afraid of making you mad again.”

I snort. “Yeah, you probably always expected me to smack you.”

He laughs softly. “Not just that. I didn’t want to cause you any more pain. I knew how much I had hurt you, and I hated myself for it, and I couldn’t imagine doing anything else to add to that.” Another deep breath. “So, I just stuck to the schedule, and tried not to inflict my company on you any longer than necessary for the visitation exchanges. But I still loved you so much it hurt. Those moments together while I was picking up the kids were like torture. I wanted you so much, every minute, but felt like the best I could ever hope for from you was for you not to be filled with rage about me. I always had to hide the way I felt, for fear of upsetting you.”

I’m starting to feel tears threatening again. I never knew any of this. I always thought that he was over me, that he’d been over me since he left me. I had figured that the time he asked to spend Thanksgiving together was just a moment of weakness, that he was just trying not to spend it alone since his girlfriend had left him.

So I had shut my heart down. I hadn’t even allowed myself to think about loving him again. I wasn’t feeling pain over his loss after the first year or two. I told myself I was over it too.

But here he is confessing that he always loved me, and that it was anguish for him to be around me every time he came over for visitation. He’s been hiding his pain this whole time, where I had just suppressed mine. My tears flow over. The stars swim in my vision.

I hear him sniff, and he uses his free arm to wipe his sleeve across his face. He takes a breath to gain control over his voice. “So it just stayed that way for a long time. It became easier to be around you, and we did stuff together sometimes like for the kids’ birthdays. But I never allowed myself to hope for anything. I felt like it was my punishment for my gigantic error, my idiocy in throwing away the best thing that had ever happened to me. That I would have to see you, be around you, but never be able to touch you.”

The tears are streaming. For both of us, I think. His voice has gotten thick. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve.

“Then, you came over for Christmas last year. Things started changing.” He sighs again. “I couldn’t believe that it worked.” He pauses for a moment. “It was all Natalie’s idea, you know. She’s the one who suggested that I invite you to come over to do luminarias together. I never would have dared.”

I laugh through my tears. “Yeah, I figured. She’s always trying to make the world feel better.”

“Since then, I’ve allowed myself to have hope. And to actually enjoy our time together. But I never really believed that I could have you. I never really believed that you’d want me again, after how much I had hurt you.”

I nod against his chest. “I’ve been feeling exactly the same way.”

He takes another deep breath. I feel it against my cheek. “Then, September 11. You know. I couldn’t stand to be apart from you for another second. The idea of keeping our family separate any more seemed so wrong, after so many other families were destroyed.”

"Yeah," I breathe.

“So,” he says, “thank you. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for living with me. Thank you for telling me that you love me. You have no idea how much that fills me up every time you say it.”

“I do,” I tell him. “I love you. So much.”

“But,” he says, “can you forgive me? For my selfishness and stupidity? For how much I hurt you? For throwing away our beautiful life, for wasting all that time apart? Even if I will never, ever, forgive myself.”

I nod my head against his chest, then lean back to look into his eyes. The crescent moon is casting just enough dim light to make out his features. “I already have. A long time ago. Yes,” I go on, feeling like he needs to hear me say it specifically, “I forgive you.”

He sucks in a breath, and I hear him give a sob. His voice thick with emotion, he says, “Thank you. Thank you, Brenda. Thank you.”

We stand quietly together for a moment. It is fully dark now. The stars are vibrant over our heads. Even the Milky Way is visible, the sprinkling of stars like distant clouds slashing across the sky. The night is magical.

“Come on,” he says, giving me one more kiss. “Let’s go back. I have something I want to give you.”

He pulls the flashlight out of his pocket and lights the path beneath my feet as he guides me back to camp. I follow him trustingly through the dark. He will take care of me. I know it now. I don’t need to be afraid any more.

Ron’s

The love he is feeling floods through me as well, lighting our soul brilliantly. Never has he shone so brightly, never has he felt so deeply. The beauty of this night will last forever, not just in his living memory, but forever after in his soul, when it finally joins me again.

“My darling, you have created this beautiful moment for the two of you, and for your family. You were so right to manufacture this event. You know the time is right.”

Ron

As I guide her back to our camp, my heart and my eyes are full. I have finally confessed all to her, and finally heard the sweet forgiveness coming from her lips. I only need do one more thing to make this night complete.

I spend a few minutes when we get back, arranging our cots side by side and covering them with cushions, so that we can lie comfortably together and watch the sky. When she lays down with me, we spend a few minutes just gazing upwards, aglow with love and with wonder at the night. The meteor shower does not disappoint. Every few minutes, sometimes more often, there is a streak of light across the sky. We have already seen dozens, and the night is still young.

After some time spent in sweet silence, her lying by my side, her hand in mine, I know it is time. I pull her closer to me, so that she is curled against me, her head resting on my chest in the hollow of my shoulder. I love it when she lies on me this way. “Brenda,” I whisper, not wanting to disturb the beautiful peace of the night. “I have to ask you something.”

“Mmm-hmmm?”

“Do you understand now that I will always love you? That I will never leave you? That I will devote the rest of my life to making you happy?”

“Yes, honey, I didn’t know that for sure before, but I do now,” she breathes. She reaches up to wipe her eyes, then rests her hand again on my chest. “I feel the same way. Thank you for making me see. I love you.”

“Then, Brenda, my love,” I say, using the hand that isn’t wrapped around her to reach into my pocket for the little box, “will you stay with me always? Will you marry me?” I place the box in her hand, the hand that is pressed against my heart.

She inhales shakily, and leans up to use her other hand to open the box. The diamond ring inside glints dimly in the starlight. Another meteor streaks overhead, followed immediately by a second.

“Yes,” she whispers. “Yes. Of course.” She leans down to kiss me.

I am complete.