Second First Impressions: A Novel

Week 4 of the Sasaki Method is here and I don’t care about it anymore, but it is imperative that Melanie and Teddy don’t notice because I do have some pride left. It’s Friday evening and we are all lying by the lake. In the middle of us is an empty pizza box. TJ is allowed to graze near the picnic blanket edge, always under the watchful eye of his father.

Melanie’s telling me now, “I’ve been chatting on your MatchUp account with three nice guys for the entire week. No dicks, no foreign princes, no requests for Western Union money transfers, no requests for nudes. I think we’ve got some real contenders.”

“That bar is so low TJ couldn’t fit under it,” Teddy remarks acidly, reaching out a hand to turn his tortoise 90 degrees. Then we make eye contact and Teddy blushes sunset pink.

I always assumed it would be me dorking out after our kiss, but the opposite has happened. I’ve kept my cool. Meanwhile, Teddy’s gotten so flustered he’s been:

•  Dropping bags of takeout

•  Walking into hedges/flailing in spiderwebs/slipping on duck droppings

•  Losing his train of thought so badly that Renata has accused him of stealing medication

This is what keeps my heart beating too fast in my chest all day long: he’s acting so weird because he can’t recover from how I kissed him. And I’m the only one who knows.

Melanie snaps at him, “Go away if you’re going to be difficult. Anyhow, here we are, Ruthie. Week 4, you take over your MatchUp app. Here’s your username and password.” This is presented to me with ceremony, typed at the top of the Week 4 worksheet, which outlines the activity for this week.

I summarize the requirement out loud for Teddy’s benefit. “Goal: One date at the Thunderdome. Method: Flirty messaging and chatting online with two guys, bonus points for flirty conversation with two guys in real life.”

“I can’t stop thinking about you. One in the bag, beautiful.” Teddy holds up a hand for me to high-five. I can’t slap it; Melanie is too scary for me to risk it. Lowering it back down, he says, “What, aren’t I a guy?”

He looks into my eyes and now we’re traveling back in time; I’m straddling him, I’m kissing him until his breath catches in his chest and his hands tighten on my body—

“You’re absolutely not a guy.” Melanie is sick of this. “Your constant attempts to derail this to keep the attention on yourself are really annoying.” Stacked beside her on the blanket are an assortment of what are presumably her reference books, their titles including:

•  True Love and Astrology

•  His Aura, Her Aura, Their Aura

•  Crystals for Luck, Love, and Sexual Energy

•  Best Baby Names

The last one is a worry, and it’s full of purple sticky tabs. “I have warned you about getting carried away.” I pull it out of the stack.

“What the hell,” Teddy echoes faintly when he reads the spine.

She shakes her head. “No, no. I’m looking up the names of the guys I’m messaging for you.”

I open to a tab and scan down the page, searching for a clue. A faint pencil mark is beside a name and I read it out. “Paul. ‘Small, humble, restrained.’ ”

She shrugs. “I decided he’s no good for you.”

I lower the book. “Just so I’m clear. You’re choosing guys for me based on the meaning of their name?”

She nods like that’s not very, very strange. “My top pick for you on MatchUp is Brendan. That means sword, which is kinda hot.”

Teddy flops down onto his back, wriggles, and puts his head on my lap. Side note— I’m wearing new tight jeans. To the office. On a Friday. And they made Teddy go shy for a bit. With his heavy head on my legs, he looks up at the baby book in my hands.

I would bet a billion dollars that I know what he’ll say next. What else would someone so in love with themselves say next? I’m already leafing through to the letter T. From my lap, Teddy says, “Tell me what Ruthie means.”

A billion dollars down the drain. I gape down at him.

Teddy reaches out sideways to turn TJ again. I privately think that TJ wants to keep walking and would be perfectly fine if he did. But Teddy is truly devoted to his little friend. He’s amended the lyrics of his bellowed shower song to “Wondershell.” He’s asked me, is it possible to keep TJ? Fairchild is crazy close to the Reptile Zoo. Twenty-five minutes. I could put him in day care. Did you know that, Ruthie, how close it is to where I’ll be?

Melanie says, “I know it sounds insane, but I think that people are a lot like their name meaning. Like, Melanie means black. And look.” She holds her black ponytail up like proof. “I’ve ruled out a few contenders that couldn’t go through to the next round. One guy’s name meant dairy man. Can you even imagine?”

I think of all the possibilities she’s probably deleted. “I am lucky anyone wants to message me at all, but you’re ruling out Paul because his name means small? He could be seven feet tall.” Out of the corner of my eye, Teddy’s legs stretch. “He could be my soul mate, and you just decided based on an ancient name meaning?”

Melanie shakes her head. “I asked him. He was five two.”

Teddy takes the book from me and my hands drop into my lap/his hair. Melanie doesn’t seem to notice, so I’ll just untangle this one messy section. It’s like knitting. Something repetitive and soothing to occupy myself with in the evenings, on the couch as Heaven Sent fills me with that scrummy kind of comfy nostalgia.

Threading my fingers through Teddy’s hair is an addictive action that I can do for hours.

He flips through the book. “R. Let’s see. Rhiannon, Rhonda, Rose— ” On that last one, he stumbles. “Rowena, Rukmini, Ruth.” He reads the definition and lowers the book. “Uncanny. You know what, Mel? You could write a sequel to the Sasaki Method. Whittle down your romantic options according to name meanings. I believe it now.”

She’s smug. “I’ve already got the title. The Sasaki Meaning.”

Teddy and I say in perfect, disbelieving unison: “Holy shit.”

“So what’s Ruth mean?” She’s preparing to be cheeky, that much is clear. Once upon a time, seeing this impending joke at my expense would have had me battening down the hatches. Now, I’m smiling. I’m having another one of those where-am-I moments. Friends, picnic, lake, sunset.

She delivers her zinger. “Let me guess. Ruth means administrator.”

I throw a pizza crust at her head. “It means employer.”

Teddy reads out of the baby book: “Ruth.” He aims a big smile up at me and I feel it in my heart. “Kind. Compassionate friend or companion.”

“Sexy, huh,” I say.

From this angle I can see he’s finished reading the description, but he keeps going.

“Brown-eyed sublime being. She of soft, deep cardigan pockets. Bubble-bath taker. Pool jumper. Cheese provider. Sunset glower. Heaven sent.”

It’s the loveliest description of me I have ever heard. I pass my hand through his beautiful hair. “That’s more interesting than the original meaning. Being both a Ruth and a Virgo has been my cross to bear.”

Melanie says, “You’re a Leo, Teddy. It’s so obvious. Look at the lion, lying there being groomed by the virgin.”

I have to laugh. “Oof, way too close to the truth.” I see the question Mel is too afraid to ask. “I lost my virginity at prom. And … that was the last time. Teddy knows this already.”

“After a drought that long, I will give you a pass to have a one-night stand during the Sasaki Method program.” She looks at my hands in his hair, his endless legs carelessly kicked out. She compresses her lips. “A one-night stand with a stranger, not this one here. So what’s the name Theodore mean, anyway?”

“Guess.” If he was hoping for flattery, he is sorely disappointed.

Me: “Vagabond.”

Melanie: “Infant bear.”

Me: “Lord of legs.”

Melanie: “Train wreck.”

Me: “Hot mess.”

Melanie: “Lazy rich boy.”

He laughs and hates us. “Shut up, both of you. You’re so wrong. I was named perfectly.” He reaches out a hand and turns TJ back toward us again.

I leaf through T and read out loud: “Theodore. You’ve got to be kidding me.” I close my eyes. “God’s gift.”

Melanie’s howls echo off the hillside.

“You think I’m God’s gift?” He snuggles himself up a little on my thighs. He makes me feel like I’ve got the best lap there is. “Thank you, Ruthie. You always make me feel good about myself.”

“Back to the matter at hand, making Ruthie feel good about herself,” Melanie tells him in a warning tone. “Open the app, Ms. Midona. Now open the messages. The top three or so are our potential Mr. Ruthies.”

“How many guys have you been messaging as me?” I scroll down a few hundred yards. “Mel, this is crazy. How much time have you spent doing this?”

“I’ve been trawling the ocean for you,” she defends herself. “You should be thanking me. That sexy glasses guy named Christopher has asked if you want to get coffee.” There’s a bear growl from my lap.

“How did I get this many matches? Did you photoshop my head onto a hot bikini?” No, she didn’t. It’s just the picture Teddy took of me at my desk. Flattery is an unexpected cozy fire I’ve stumbled upon, and I’m feeling a glow. “Weird.”

Teddy is sour. “Random guys make you feel more flattered than I ever could.”

I press his frown line away with my fingertips. “That’s because they’re not after my Wi-Fi password.”

Mel remembers something. “Where’s your janky old motorbike? It’s gone from the courtyard.”

“I assume it’s in his bed. Handlebars on the pillows.” Every time I get him to grin, it feels like I’ve won something.

She takes my phone from me and begins typing. “If you have no objections, we’ll go with Brendan. No objections from Ruthie,” she clarifies as Teddy opens his mouth to speak. She stares at the screen, then smiles. “Instant reply. He’s keen. Next Thursday. I’ve got a date too. We can both be in the Thunderdome and I’ll take care of you from afar.”

“Sounds good.” Also sounds scary.

Mel checks the time. “Whoops, sun’s going down. I’ve gotta go. Read over Week 4. Chat to guys on MatchUp. Go flirt with two real guys, I don’t care if they’re nerds at the library. Just get some real practice in on someone who isn’t Teddy. Then we’ll set up a date for this coming Thursday.”

“She can practice on me any old day,” Teddy says, stretching and snuggling again.

She smiles down at him with all her teeth. “Enjoy that lap while it lasts, bucko.”

“I sure will,” he replies in the exact same faux-sweet tone.

Melanie gathers up all her belongings, which takes quite a lot of time, and off she goes. “Bye,” she calls into the powder-pink sunset. “Teddy, you gotta get ready to let her go.”

“Watch where you walk,” Teddy shouts after her, up on one elbow. He’s got a hand caged over TJ. “Ugh, she’s not watching,” he mutters to himself before rolling back down onto my lap with a groan.

Every time he looks up and seeks eye contact with me, I know that complete dazzlification has occurred. I’ve got a date with someone called Brendan next week. Or was it Brandon? The sword guy. How could I think of anyone else when I have this person comfortably weighing me down?

Teddy says, “I was wondering if you’d like to come on a field trip with me and the Parlonis on Sunday.”

I watch his brow crease and his nervous lip lick. “Where are we going?”

“Alistair will be up at the new studio to check the progress of the fit-out. He mentioned it like he doesn’t think I’d want to go. I can kill two birds with one stone. Renata can get a quote from him on how much her true-love piece will be and whether he agrees to do it. She’ll finally stop hassling me about it. Anyway, come with us. They’re both going to fall asleep in the back seat. We can listen to this Heaven Sent podcast I found.”

He knows how to make things tempting. “With what happened last time, the alarm … I don’t think I can.” I see the disappointment in his eyes when he nods and blinks away across the lake without a word. I argue back anyway. “How could I just leave?”

“I’ll tuck in every resident. I’ll put a protective force field over Providence.” He turns his face back up to mine and my heart misses several beats. I start to die when he murmurs, “I’ll check that every single door is locked. I’ll carry you over my shoulder and put you in the passenger seat. It’ll be easy.”

“I still don’t know why you require me.”

“I’m nervous about seeing Alistair and I want to show off to you about which room at the studio is going to be mine. Why do I require you? What a weird question. I always require you.” He’s got that little line between his eyebrows again. “What exactly do you think is going on here?” He gestures vaguely around us and my heart squiggles with nerves. When I turn to look at the beautiful backdrop to this moment, I see something.

A golden bonnet tortoise is making its way over to us. I see some red on it, then relax when it’s not blood. It’s Sharpie. “Hey. Look. It’s Number One. Teddy, it’s my first tortoise.”

He’s smiling up at me from my lap. “You never forget a face? This girl is so cute,” he adds to himself.

I lean sideways and pick up the tortoise. He’s a healthy boy now, big as a paperback, kicking and protesting his midair situation with vigor. I look down at Teddy and try to suppress my smile at his rapt expression. “I’m just going to have a moment here with this tortoise, which might be weird, but who knows when I’ll see him again.”

“Have your moment.”

I say to the gimlet-eyed creature, “Number One, when I first picked you up, I didn’t know a thing. But you made me realize that I can still help without being a vet. You gave me hope. You were the one who changed everything for me and I hope we meet again someday. Let me just …” I put the tortoise back down on the blanket, take a few photos of him, and then rummage through my bag. Using my headphone cord, I measure across the shell and mark it with a hair clip. “I can record his size in his chart.”

When I let it go, Number One stomps off, fuming. “Letting them go is the hardest part. I was so careless. I should have known the marker would stain.” I apply hand sanitizer and wonder if this might be a good segue into convincing Teddy to release TJ. “Now that rare, precious creature is marked forever because of me.”

The combination of words I’ve chosen sound like a magic spell verse under this pink glitter swirl-sky. With the weight of this man’s head on my legs, I feel a swell of melancholy I could never have anticipated. And like always, because we share everything, Teddy feels it.

“You are not careless.” He says it with such quiet confidence that it salves that little crack in my heart.

“We’re lying right in the middle of all your hard work and kindness. Your mark is all over everything.” He looks at his tattooed forearm, then sighs up at the sky. “I wish I could be even a fraction of the person you are. Sometimes, I lose all composure when you look at me. You’ve got this look that just … levels me flat.”

“I’m not that great,” I say dolefully, and it makes him laugh. “Teddy, you’re a good person. I personally guarantee it. You’re very vain, but why wouldn’t you be.” I sift my fingertips through his black silk. “And you’ve done something no one else has.”

“What?” His eyes are full of starlight now. I cannot believe I have him here, holding me down, this rare, precious creature. He is going to break my heart when he walks off into the night.

“You stayed longer than any other boy.” I bend and press a kiss on his forehead. “For however long you stay, I’m glad I had you here. There’s no one else in the world who could compare to you.” These are words he loves to hear and I hope it’s because it’s me saying them. Now I’ve got to say something that might hurt him. “Do you think it’s time to let TJ go now?”

Teddy looks sideways at his tortoise, always at arm’s length. “I don’t think he’s ready.”

“I think he’s got to hit the road, just like Number One. And just like you will soon.”

“You always talk like you’re saying goodbye to me. Other girls have talked to me like I’m going to be a permanent fixture and it made me want to get up and walk out of rooms. But this is worse.” His eyes search mine.

“Worse, how?” I’m combing my fingers through his hair, and when I find no knots, I realize I’ve just been sitting here stroking him. “It’s okay. I’ve always known that you’re leaving.”

“You expecting me to leave makes me … itch.” He taps a finger on his chest, and without thought I begin to scratch him through his T-shirt. He’s laughing, he’s sad. “Stop always trying to give things to me. I don’t deserve your lovely scratching.”

He rolls off me and the loss of his weight on me is as dreadful as I anticipated. He picks up TJ and says to him, “Ruthie thinks you’re ready.” Then to me, “Are you sure I can’t take him with me? I’d take perfect care of him.”

I kneel up too. “I know you would. But he’s got to find a wife. Or a husband. I don’t actually know if that’s a male tortoise. This is where he belongs. I don’t think living his life in a tank in your new place will compare to this.”

We look up at the celestial dome forming above us as the sun sinks lower. The sky is a thousand shades of violet. A breeze skates over us. I can smell pollen and Renata’s perfume that Teddy is gassed to death in. (He calls it Spiteful Number Five.) There’s the sludgy mud of the lake bank and the wool of the blanket, too. Providence is safe, held in this cupped dome of silver pinprick stars, and maybe for tonight I can let myself rest.

“I’m really tired of looking after everything,” I confess without context, but he just nods and puts TJ down. We watch him walk toward the general direction of the lake. “I’m really proud of you. My first one walked off like that and it kinda hurt my feelings.”

“Yeah. Well, maybe we should go home. Did you see the fancy ice creams I put in the freezer? I’ve been living for them.” The way he talks is like we live together, forever, nestled up together under a blanket.

I know that’s not how things are, but gosh it would be nice to have a big, bold, passionate memory to return to when I’m alone again. We’re facing each other now, kneeling, close enough to touch.

I’ve got to grab this moment while my big rare creature remains with me on this picnic blanket. I need to do something big, or else I’ll be left with nothing but what-ifs. “I’m fairly inexperienced at these things, but this feels like a really romantic setting.”

“It is.” He’s looking at me with a spark of interest in his eyes. “You’re finally noticing that?”

I’m being drawn into his black pupils like he’s hypnotizing me. “Could I ask you to kiss me, please?”

“Your wish is my command,” he says, leaning down. Just a fraction before he touches my lips with his, he says, “But only if you come to the tattoo studio.”

“Yes,” I say, and I get my wish. It is everything I hoped it would be.