Rebellion

“Don’t you have to get going?” I asked as Sirus held me tighter in bed.

He was already dressed to leave but he was reluctant because I had a panic attack last night. He’s pretending that he’s horny, but I know the signs when he’s horny. This morning, he’s just worried about me. He won’t physically tell me but I get it.

“I don’t really have to, and it’s not like I want to.” he said and pressed his face into my neck.

“Isn’t Janus strict about being on time?” I asked.

“Hell yeah. That’s why I don’t care.” Sirus said, completely ignoring the fact that I was trying to push him away from me.

He does this entire thing all wrong. Sirus isn’t much for being pressured into doing things he doesn’t want to do. It’s either he wants to or he doesn’t. It only depends on the person giving the orders. And he doesn’t like Janus. For any reason. I wish Sirus wouldn’t have such terrible behavior though. Now that he’s actually helping me with the rebellion, the first person they’re going to go ask questions to is him. With his nasty attitude, they’ll be able to learn a lot.

“Well, I need you to do something for me.” I said.

“Anything, baby.”

I tried shoving against him again just because of that but his arms tightened even more so the force wouldn’t push us away from each other.

“I need you to get me a list of coordinates of where there’s rebellion outbreak.”

“Like an entire list in all three regions or just our area?”

“What’s easier for you?”

“Let’s start small. That’s less work.” he sighed and snuggled up closer to me. I should’ve known he would’ve said that. “I didn’t think you’d want to get involved this much, considering how you gave me a speech about this not being your problem.” he said.

That’s what I thought, too.

That’s exactly what I thought.

I didn’t have a response for him. It shouldn’t be my problem because it doesn’t involve me, but these people are losing their lives just because they want to put awareness out there for a flawed system. It may be a minor flaw but it’s still a flaw. And there’s nothing that says they can’t say anything. What I want to do is protect them, to find a way to help them keep their lives and say what they want to say. This rebellion isn’t hurting anyone. This isn’t what we were dealing with before.

The more people that get caught up in the deactivation wave, the more people that get involved with the rebellion. They’ll protest something worse happening when in reality, Janus just wants everyone in the rebellion to keep their mouths shut. I’m surprised it’s not becoming more of an issue, unless they’re really keeping people quiet.

“There’s something else I need you to do.” I said. “There’s this woman I want you to find for me, I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

“Know where she lives?”

“No.”

“Where she works?”

“Not really.”

“Well damn then, how am I supposed to find her, Aurora?” He let go of me and sat up. “I need something to go off of if you want me to find her.”

“I know her name and what she works as. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find her.” I pulled the blanket over my body since I didn’t plan to get out of bed.

It was a little hard to wake up this morning. For some reason, I believed that my nightmare was a better option to suffer than this terrible reality. I didn’t want to go in to work this morning so I’ll make up for it tonight. Not that Sirus would verbally tell me he’s concerned, but I can tell. He was tempted to rip the blanket from my grasps and push me out of bed. I know him.

“I’ll see what I can do.” he said.

Before he could get out of bed, I grabbed him by the arm and yanked him back. Maybe I was getting a little ahead of myself by bringing him closer but I had to admit that deep down, I was actually in the mood to do something this morning.

I wouldn’t say it out loud, but I think Sirus might get the picture.

He was a little shocked when I kissed him since it’s not often that I initiate the first step. I had to admit that I was interested. This time, I could easily say okay if he asked to do anything...wild.

“Can you...um...” I bit my lip as I edged back a little.

He was going to wait till I say it. Sirus isn’t much for patience so if I don’t hurry up, he actually might take over. But would that be a bad thing?

Instead of talking, I moved my hands underneath the blanket so I could shuffle out of the sweatpants I wore. I would take off my shirt too but that would be too much. Sirus will be just fine without the pants. And I took off my underwear cause I don’t need those. I pushed them off the bed so he could see that I was okay to do something...

If he wanted to...

I know he does. Sirus doesn’t just walk away from sex. As much as he wants to -he never does- he won’t.

I mashed my lips to hide back my shy smile as he moved closer to me again. His hand lifted my shirt so he could feel my skin. And that was just before he yanked the blanket that kept us separated.

There were so many ways I could say that I wanted him. He honestly doesn’t mind hearing them. I can’t count how many different times I’ve said what I wanted from him. I think he finds enjoyment from that. Now I wasn’t blushing because I didn’t have to say anything. Yet.

We can keep this quiet.

We don’t have to say anything to each other and it will be just as fine as if we did say something.

It’s all the same regardless.

All the touching, the fondling, the kissing, it would all be the same.

He would be rough me like he always is; instead of saying anything, he could tell by the way I shifted and strained from the way he handled me. Would that change anything? Not really.

It’s either he has his arms around me or he keeps me pinned down so I can’t squirm as much. He’s not gentle. Even now.

But somewhere deep down, I needed that from him. I just really needed it.

Sometimes, I swear I lose myself to the point that I stop caring. Once I snap, I know there’s no way for me to go back for a while.

I don’t say much. He’s just really good at figuring it out. On mornings like this, it’s easier to give in. I go along with it until I can no longer move.

Till I can barely breathe.

Till it feels like I’m on fire.

The one thing I hate about this is how Sirus leaves me a complete mess. He’s never that apologetic but he has the nerves to ask me if I’m fine when he clearly sees that I can’t answer him.

Now was no different.

I stared up at the ceiling as I tried to catch my breath, my lungs burning. My heart was beating too hard in my chest but not in the way that made me scared. This was something I was already familiar with. My fingers tugged on the sleeves of Sirus’ shirt, pulling harder every time he bit my neck. My legs were shaking against him, in fact my entire body twitched every few seconds before I could handle myself better.

I was careful not to move in a way that would make Sirus want to go again despite me having the energy to keep going.

He has to be somewhere and he should actually go.

“Any time, Sirus.” I said quietly as my hand hit his arm.

He stopped kissing me for a second, only to stay where he was, breathing over my skin. His hand moved from underneath my shirt and onto the bed before he pulled away from me.

It was just about time that he pulled out too. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath before looking up at him again.

That was not quick. That was not quick at all.

And by the smug smile on his face, I figured that’s what he was going for.

“Don’t you have to be somewhere?” I asked since he was taking his time to fix his pants.

“You know I never want to be where I’m supposed to.” He said.

I do know that.

“Remind me to never let you do this again.” I sighed.

That’s never going to happen. It was a struggle just to bite my tongue to stop myself from asking him not to go.

He came closer to me, still smiling because he was so proud of himself. “You can ask me to stay.”

I wanted to.

“You’d risk losing your job just for sex with me?” I asked, but knowing Sirus, that’s not a crazy thing for him to do.

“You have no idea what I would risk for you.” He said and got out of bed.

For a second, what he said didn’t click right. I wasn’t sure if I heard what he actually said or if I was making this up. But by the time I finally got it together, he had already walked out of the room and I couldn’t just get up to go after him.

I hate when he does that.

It’s not fair that he can casually say whatever he wants to say then disappear like he never even did anything.

This was where the real frustration began and I’m sick of it.

I pushed my hair back out of my face as I stared up at the ceiling again. I shouldn’t be mad, at least that’s what I told myself. It was too early for me to get defensive or curious about what’s happening. Instead, I thought it was a good idea to stay in bed and pretend nothing happened. I kept my hand in my hair, my other holding on to my shirt before deciding to yank it down.

I really hate when Sirus confuses me. It’s the most annoying thing when he does it.

For the entire morning, I was in denial. I had to get to work but I was more concerned on how to address what happened. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of this. Maybe it means nothing. I should just be casual about it too. It’s no big deal.

I went into work thinking it was no big deal.

I have other things to worry about apparently. Sector four decided to come visit and Taurus loves passing off her tasks to me, not like I will complain since it’s not terrible to do one thing, but sector four’s leader can be a hassle.

I started assigning bikes to sector four. I stayed in one of the lab rooms quietly, using my tablet as the only source of light besides the feint light coming from the other side of a glass wall. Alya sat beside me, lightly pushing a drone around with her foot. Unfortunately, the drones aren’t programmed to fight against the abuse that some people put on them, even if it’s just pushing them around.

I could tell by the look on Alya’s face that she was concerned about something. I wanted to tell myself that it wasn’t my problem, but I already guessed what it was. There’s only one thing that could bother her now, and I’ve gotten myself involved with the situation.

“How are you holding up?” I asked as I continued to work on the hologram.

“I’m patiently waiting to take orders from you again.” she said sadly.

I scoffed when I heard her tone. There is no way she would be compliant. Even if I were to take my job back right at this second, it would take days to get her to comply with anything I say. As I thought that, I began to laugh. Everyone is just so funny with how they want me to come back. What do they expect me to do? Fight Janus?

“I’m actually here to give you intel on the rebellion,” she pushed her foot against the silver drone.

“I never asked for intel-”

“Well.” she shrugged. I didn’t protest after a moment of silence. “The bigger sectors are handling disobedience. At least, that’s what I was told.” she said.

“Okay.”

“But the thing is that, there’s a chance that there really might be some people that are loyal to Janus. So they’re the ones that mainly are on rebellion control.”

“I’m sure you can sniff out anyone who might be on his side.” I said plainly.

“I can.” she wasn’t going to brag about it. “That’s not the only thing. They’re starting to use a bit of force, not like serious weapons, mostly gas and whatever nonsense just to apprehend anyone.”

I narrowed my eyes and looked up. I knew they weren’t going to kill anyone, after all it’s only a rebellion. But gas is a bit extreme against people who barely has access to anything that can help them fight back.

“It’s like to stun them, you know, make it hard for them to escape. Then the main forces just come in and bam, that’s it.”

“Know what gas it is?”

“Hell no.”

“Find out for me and I’ll be able to get an antidote made.” I continued assigning bikes. I have a lot of time to think about what Alya just said, I can worry later.

Serberous still owes me a lot of favors, so he can consider making antidotes for me one of them.

“Anything else?” Alya asked.

“You never really answered my first question.” I looked at her.

I wanted her to be serious about how she was feeling. And that might be hard for her to do, considering how for years she was never told to explain anything she was going through. I was curious to know how she was doing, I actually wanted to know how everyone was doing. And it’s not just for my sake, but maybe I could help them out. Not to the point where I’m just controlling them, but maybe a little nudge is okay.

Alya sighed and curled up in her seat, putting her arms down on her knees and her head down on her arms. Her black hair fell over and draped over her legs, almost reaching the floor. I could see the arrow tattoo on her neck with the way her hair was moved.

“I’m really tired.” she complained miserably. “Everything I do is draining. And it’s even worse when I have a hundred and fifty people to look after.” she continued.

I wonder if she’s always felt like this.

“Janus is really tough on us all the time and expects us to dedicate our lives to him which is a bit difficult when most of us weren’t trained to just listen to anyone.” she lifted her head and pushed her hair back. “None of this makes sense anymore.” she sighed again.

“You’ll get through it.” I told her.

“You coming back?” she asked.

“I don’t plan to.” I said without hesitation.

I don’t plan to go back to that same occupation that made it hard for me to breathe. It was one thing to set goals to become Commander, but actually being one is another. I got a taste of what it was truly like, and as much as I knew I was capable of handling it, the timing just wasn’t right. Hence why I panicked worse than I usually do.

So no, I don’t plan to go back.

Not until I can get myself under control.

“I’ll wait.”

“The loyalty thing has to stop.” I turned to her. “Everyone is still coming to me as if I can do something when I truly can’t.” No one seems to understand that I can’t do whatever I want. “You guys can handle this, you don’t need me much.”

“You’d be surprised.” she muttered.

“Why do you guys even care about me anyway? Even that first year, I assumed you would’ve been all over Picses instead...” I mentioned, although a little bitter.

“Are you kidding?” She asked bleakly. “Here’s something you don’t know. People talk. A lot.” She said.

And does that have to do with anything?

“And do you know for how many years people have been talking about you?” She asked.

I know rumors spread and all that but I still don’t see her point. I looked at her, needing her to actually explain herself.

“Coordinators were always so dense.” She shook her head.

“What-”

“Aurora, you may have forgotten how long you worked to become Commander but none of us did. One thing about us is that we give credit where credit is due.”

I didn’t say anything as I looked back at the hologram. What am I supposed to say to that? That I’ll come back just because they believed I could do it?

“So yeah, a switch in command was fucking hard, but it was so worth it in the end.”

My heart was racing in my chest. I felt like I was going to drown in whatever this feeling was. It’s not a good feeling, I can say that. It was already difficult to deal with the rebellion now, but trying to settle the new rising feelings that are giving me stress makes this more of a challenge. I’m never going to get better if I can’t separate what I really want versus what I can handle.

“Please don’t tell me you quit because you thought you weren’t good enough.”

“I quit because my PTSD kept getting worse.” I said quietly.

Alya is a talker so when she remained quiet, I knew I really caught her by surprise. I’m not going to advertise my anxiety disorder to everyone but I know the people who have a right to know about it.

“I couldn’t handle it so I quit.” I shrugged and closed the hologram so I could show her proof on my tablet. “This is what my health looks like to other people.” The numbers were green and low. Nothing to worry about. “But this is what it really is.” I changed the mode so she could see the red numbers that were high.

“Aurora-”

“In just a week, this happened to me again.”

It hasn’t been this bad. And I thought I was controlling it but I wasn’t. I just kept getting worse day after day. If I hadn’t modified my device to select what I want to show the system, I would be detained and chances are I would never get out.

“So it’s not like I wanted to leave but I had to think of myself, you know? I just wasn’t capable of handling it the way I thought I could.” I explained to her and lifted my tablet out of her hands, going right back to work.

The timing of everything that happened was just so wrong.

I wanted to assure Alya that I knew what I was doing when I was Commander but the mental repercussions were a bit much to handle. Plus I had other things to deal with and it wasn’t good for my health; all the fear, the anxiety, the stress of adjusting to a new planet after spending a good portion of life in space. It was just a lot to get used to.

“I didn’t mean...I didn’t know.” She said.

“Because I didn’t tell you. Don’t feel sorry for me, okay. I want to help everyone, and I would love to take my job back as Commander but considering how I am now, it wouldn’t be good for anyone.”

Alya sat beside me quietly, kicking the small drone by her feet slowly. I didn’t want her to think about this the entire day. She doesn’t deserve to feel sorry for me. It’s not like anything is happening anymore. She doesn’t have to go quiet.

“Your bike number is five-fifteen.” I said.

“Hm.” She barely moved except for her feet, the tip of her boot hitting the metal of the drone.

She didn’t talk for a second, but then she wanted to change the subject.

“So...how are you and Sirus-”

“Excuse me?” I asked abruptly, turning to her to see if she was serious. This shouldn’t be a topic anyone needs to know about.

“Word in the field is that you two are fucking.”

“And who are you hearing that from?” I asked quickly. Sirus better not be the one talking or I swear to God-

“Just people.” She smiled as my eyes widened. “It all makes sense now, the long stares, the fighting, the flirting-”

“No.” I stopped her there. “I don’t flirt. With anyone.” I made myself clear.

“My bad. Sirus is the flirt. You just casually go along with it.” She corrected herself.

Everyone is so aware.

I looked at her again and her eyes lit up just because she could talk about something that would make me blush. It’s one thing to suffer, but this is just crossing the line. I want to know who’s talking so I can stop them with every fiber of my being.

“Sirus is okay and all, you know. Considering what happened to him when he was fourteen-”

“Wait, you know about that?” I asked, assuming that we were talking about the same thing.

There’s just one thing though.

“Everyone knows. But not everyone knows if it’s true.” She sat back in her chair and brought her arms behind her head. “I know it’s true because I’ve known Sirus since way back when.” She rolled her eyes.

“Well, what happened?” I asked.

“Sirus was the kind of person to keep quiet, not because he was shy but because he just wanted to mind his own business. That’s how we all started out, right?” She was getting into it. “Unfortunately for him, his first partner was a real character, doing all kinds of crazy shit and using Sirus as a guinea pig. And as ill it is of me to speak of the dead in such a...” she looked for the word, “demeaning way...this guy was a real piece of work.”

I just never knew the person. I don’t think I started hearing rumors till a year after it happened.

“Anyway, one day they both snapped, and I guess Sirus just had enough so...”

“It says self defense on the report.”

She scoffed. “It’s not wrong, but it’s not right either.” She shook her head. “Let’s just say, Sirus got his punishment as well. Chances are you didn’t start hearing rumors until after he came back.”

I had to put down everything I was working on because I was at that point where I needed to know details. Sirus will keep all the rest of the secret to himself so Alya is my only hope.

“Don’t tell him I told you what I think happened.” She sat up. “But, you don’t think he just really lost it in that one second, do you?”

Does she think... When it clicked, my eyes widened with shock. I knew what she was saying.

“You think it was premeditated?”

“I’m not saying that to be a bitch or anything, but I know Sirus, and when he’s in a situation he doesn’t like, he will find ways to get out of it.”

That’s true, but...

“Don’t tell him I said this. After all, its not like I have all the facts.” She sat back again.

“And you can only say this because you’ve known him for so long...”

“Yeah, Sirus and I go way back. So I saw the change when it happened. Now he’s just...him.”

“I feel wrong trying to get answers behind his back.”

“It’s not like him to talk about personal things.” She said and looked away. “Speaking of personal things though, I heard you’re modifying tablets to help with the rebellion.” She glanced at me, waiting for me to make up a dumb excuse.

I just sighed.

“Sirus loves to brag, but when it comes to anything else, his fucking mouth is always shut.” She was angry about that part.

“I can’t...” As much as I wanted to tell her that I won’t do anything for her, I just reached a point where it doesn’t matter. “Fine.”

“I also heard about the white lights on his bike-” When I shook my head, she stopped talking, only to start up again a second later. “But those pesky tracking devices though...”

"That I can’t help you with.” I said quickly.

“Why does he always get the cool stuff?” She pouted sadly and stood up. “You two really must be together.” She said as she began to walk away.

“Hey! Don’t go spreading that around.” I just about yelled at her but she waved her hand and ignored my comment as she left.

I sighed to myself and looked around.

People are talking, which means the rumors about the rebellion will make its way to Janus. And if he finds out that I’m the root of all this, I won’t have anything to say. The plan wasn’t for me to go behind the system, I’m just here to help those who need the help. I am not part of the rebellion. I am only helping.

What am I going to do to keep people quiet? It’s like every day more and more people know. My involvement is too deep. I’m modifying devices, making things to identify people, and I’m about to get someone to help me control the gas situation. I just want to understand how someone can talk about things like this and spread it like it isn’t a deadly secret.

There was a lot more for me to worry about.

For a long while, I was staring off into the distance, slowly being eaten by my fear of being caught and the fear of not being able to help anyone. This is what its like to suffer. I know how to take steps to solve the problem but actually doing it is what’s difficult for me. I’ve been sitting in my seat for what seemed like years, only to be around fifteen minutes. And I watched the wall as I thought to myself.

“Hey,” Someone said beside me but I just shushed them on impulse.

I needed a moment to remind myself to breathe, so I wanted it to be dead silent. I need to collect myself.

When I had control over how I felt, I turned to look at Taurus who took a seat beside me.

“Okay?” She asked.

“I’m getting there.” I sighed and tried to resume working on assignments.

“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?” She asked since she got the feeling like I wasn’t going to survive long.

I wasn’t.

“Because then I wouldn’t have anything to take my mind off the stress.”

I didn’t plan to take the day off.

“Tell me I’m not crazy.” I sighed.

“That would be lying.” She said, and I know she meant well, but deep down I think she wants me to know that I might be crazy. “You need a day off.”

I need time to think my plans through.

“Want to go out after our shift is over?” She asked.

“Yeah. I could use a few hours of not all of this.” I motioned to everything in front of me.

The rebellion is kicking my ass. What am I supposed to say about that? Every time I explain it to someone, they just shrug about it and join along like it’s nothing. It’s not as easy as everyone makes it seem. I’ve already gotten myself in trouble with what I’m doing.

I have no one that will understand that I’m slowly falling apart.

I need more than just a few hours.

I need days.