Outside the Lines: A Novel

I pounded on the door to Jack’s apartment, hopeful he hadn’t gone back to the shelter after leaving my house the night before. It was five thirty and I’d spent an hour driving around my immediate neighborhood, looking for my father, without any luck.

My chest had been tight and aching as I drove to Jack’s place, but I knew I needed to see him. I didn’t call, too afraid that he wouldn’t pick up. This was the kind of apology I needed to make in person.

When he didn’t answer right away, I pounded again until I heard his footsteps coming to the door. “All right, all right,” I heard him mutter. “Keep your panties on.”

I smiled despite myself, remembering how Wanda had said those exact same words when Jack and I went to my father’s old apartment building. The door swung open and Jack stood in front of me, a surprised look on his face.

“He’s gone, Jack,” I said. “I know I was a total bitch to you and I didn’t sleep last night at all. And now he’s gone.” My teeth were chattering and I wasn’t making any sense. All the profound, apologetic words I’d planned to say had completely left me.

Jack furrowed his eyebrows and ushered me inside. “Hold on, one thing at a time.” He closed the door and led me into his living room and sat me on the couch next to him. He threw a thick down comforter around me and rubbed my upper arms briskly, trying to help me warm up. “Better?” he asked.

I nodded, my teeth still chattering. I’d driven around with my window down, looking for my father, yelling his name out until my throat felt raw.

“You don’t look better. Let me get you some coffee.” He entered his tiny galley kitchen and poured me a mug. I took it gratefully and let the hot liquid warm me from the inside.

Jack sat back down next to me and pushed my wet hair out of my face. “What happened?”

My bottom lip trembled as I tried to speak. “I was wrong last night, Jack. And you were completely right. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what made me be like that. I was just so wrapped up in the idea of saving my dad. I couldn’t listen to reason. You were right and I was wrong, okay? Please say you still want to be with me. If you don’t, I’ll understand, but right now, I really, really want you to say yes.”

He chuckled and put his hands on both sides of my face. He leaned in and kissed me. “Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I still want to be with you. I was just pissed. I tend to bluster and run when I get pissed.”

“Are you sure?” My eyes filled. “I haven’t ruined everything?”

“Of course not. We had a fight. People do that, you know. But only the real grown-ups take the time to apologize. Even if it is at five thirty in the morning.”

“Oh god, I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?”

“No, I had already made coffee and was about to take a shower. I didn’t sleep last night, either, I felt so bad about how we left things. Now, what’s going on with your dad?”

I took another drink of coffee, then leaned back against the couch and filled him in on what I knew.

“I’ve been driving around for an hour, screaming his name.” I laughed, a sharp, bitter sound. “I realize how stupid that is. He’s gone. He didn’t want to stay with me. I guess I don’t blame him. Not with how I was treating him.”

Jack looked thoughtful. “I didn’t get the feeling he was going to bolt last night, even though he was angry. Did something else happen?”

I considered his question. “Nothing that I can think of. I was talking to my mom about the possibility of hospitalizing him and she was saying the same things you did about it. She also told me you’d like it if I said I was wrong.”

He smiled. “I like it more that you came over to say it.” He paused. “Wait, do you think maybe your dad heard you on the phone?”

I sighed and put a hand over my eyes. “Shit. You’re probably right. He probably heard me and left. Damn it.” I dropped my arm to my side. “I’m an idiot, you know that? What the hell was I thinking, bringing him up here and trying to mold him into this idea of a father I’ve made up over the last twenty years?”

“You were thinking you were going to help him,” Jack said gently. “Maybe he’ll come back.”

“Maybe he won’t,” I said glumly. After everything I’d wished for, everything I’d hoped might happen when I found my father, I barely had a week with him and then he was gone. And it was my fault.

“You never know, Eden. He knows where you live now, right? And he knows about Hope House. Give it some time. He might just surprise you.”