Outside the Lines: A Novel

It didn’t take long to get my father settled in a room down the hall from ours. It was just past midnight when I hugged him again and told him I’d see him in the morning.

“You’ll be okay?” I asked him.

He gave me a minute smile and nodded. “I’ll be fine, Eden. Thank you for the room.”

“Okay. I’m just down the hall if you need me. Number 242.”

“Good night,” he said, moving to close the door.

“Good night, Daddy.” I choked on the words, so thrilled after all this time to be able to say them. After he shut the door, part of me wanted to push it right back open, curl up in bed with him, and stay up for hours, telling him every detail of my life from the moment he was taken away in the ambulance twenty years before. I said as much to Jack when we got back to our own room.

“He might be overwhelmed by all of this,” Jack said gently. “You might want to take it slow.”

“He was happy to see me, though, wasn’t he?” I asked.

“Yes,” Jack said as he pulled off his shirt and jeans. “But he was quiet, too. I could almost hear the gears turning in his head, trying to take the situation in. He might not be comfortable with full disclosure yet—his or yours.”

I sighed and plopped down on the bed, still fully dressed. “Should we tell Georgia and Bryce we found him?”

“Maybe shoot them each a text, so they’ll be prepared for it in the morning?”

“Good idea.” I grabbed my cell and punched in a quick message to them, knowing they both usually turned their phones off at night. Jack was already in bed when I brushed my teeth and washed off my makeup. I climbed in beside him and curled up against his warm body, resting my cheek against his chest.

“Think you’re going to sleep?” he asked.

“It’s doubtful.” I craned my neck up to smile at him. “Thank you for helping me find him. I’m so excited I can barely stand it.”

“Do you have any idea what you want to do next?”

“Bring him home with us.”

“What then?”

“I don’t know. I’ll have him stay with me for a while until I can figure it out. I’ll need to find him a doctor and a place to live. A job, too, so he can support himself.” I wasn’t sure what he’d be capable of doing. Washing dishes at my work, maybe? I could make sure he worked the same hours as I did. I could keep an eye on him.

“Eden,” Jack said, “try not to get ahead of yourself with all of this. You don’t know what your dad wants to do.”

“He’ll want to be with me,” I said, a little bit annoyed Jack would suggest otherwise.

“You don’t know that for sure. Not yet.” He shifted upward so his back was resting against the padded headboard. “It’s probably not a good idea to steamroll into his life and take it over. He might end up resenting you for it.”

“He’ll resent me if I find him and then just take off again.” I rolled over onto my back and looked at him. “I’m not going to abandon him, Jack. I know all too well how that feels.”

Jack reached over and smoothed back the hair from my face. “I know you do. And I’m not trying to bring you down or say you should leave him here. I just want to make sure we take his wants into consideration, too.”

“I will,” I said. “Of course I will.”

“Are you okay? Not freaking out too much?”

“I’m fine,” I said, but I could feel the adrenaline shooting through my veins like lit sparklers.

“C’mere,” Jack said, and I crawled over to wrap myself around him again. He reached over and snapped off the light, but even in the comfort of his arms, I could not find sleep.

After several hours of tossing and turning, at five o’clock, I finally gave up the fight and got out of bed to shower. I was pulling on my clothes when Jack awoke and smiled at me sleepily. “You get any rest?” he asked.

“Not really,” I admitted. “I think I dozed in and out, mostly.” I could still feel the excitement in my blood; my body felt like it was bubbling with energy and my skin was itchy with anticipation to see my father again.

“You going to check on your dad?”

I nodded, walked over to kiss him, and left the room. Neither Georgia nor Bryce had texted me back, so I assumed they both were still sleeping. I walked down the hall and knocked softly on my father’s door. When he didn’t answer right away, a deep panic began to pound in my belly. What if he’d left? What if he couldn’t take it and he just walked out the door in the middle of the night? What if all of this was for nothing?

My panic calmed a few seconds later when he opened the door. “Hi, Bug,” he said. He had showered and shaved his beard. He wore jeans but no shirt, and I tried to conceal my shock at the sharp angles of his bones beneath his skin. His shoulder joints looked like doorknobs sticking out at the top of his fleshless arms.

“Hi, Dad,” I said. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” he said, opening the door so I could pass through. I went over to sit on the chair by the dresser.

“Did you sleep okay?” I asked. He sat on the bed, and his posture was rigid; his fingers gripped the edge of the mattress until they turned white.

“A little. Not much.”

“Me neither,” I said, smiling. “I was too excited.”

He gave a tight nod, pressing his lips into a thin line.

“Are you okay with all of this, Dad?”

His eyes flashed a slightly wild look. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing, really. You just seem so quiet. I know it’s a lot to take in at once.” I paused. “Do you want to hear about how I found you?”

“I do,” he said, settling down on the edge of the bed; it looked like the covers hadn’t even been pulled back.

“Should we order some breakfast first? I can call room service.”

“No, I’m not really a breakfast person.”

“Oh,” I said, for the first time feeling a little uncomfortable. A little scared, even. What did I know about my father, really? Twenty years had changed him physically, for sure, but how much had changed with his illness? Had his violence worsened? His depression? He told Matt he’d be back to Common Ground, which I interpreted as his saying he wanted to get well. Was it possible that he just couldn’t? I didn’t want to believe that. I wanted to believe that with the right kind of love and support from me, he could find his way back to a better life.

“So, why did you start looking for me?” my father asked. He looked at me with wide, anxious eyes and I realized he was feeling just as uncomfortable with me as I was with him. Jack was right. I would need to take this slow.

So that’s what I did. Over the next two hours, I told him how my search had begun with mom’s illness, then proceeded to all the Internet searches and phone calls I’d made. I told him about the man I saw in the morgue and how I’d started volunteering at Hope House. I told him again how I found the letters Mom hadn’t shown me, how as a way to apologize, Mom reached out and found the one clue that led me to Common Ground, which ultimately led me to him.

He interrupted me every so often, using a stilted, uncomfortable tone, asking for clarification. He had a hard time making eye contact, but I told myself that was a temporary state. This was all too new to expect him to be comfortable. For the most part, he was very quiet, picking at a loose thread on the paisley bedspread.

“Do you want to come back to Seattle with me, Dad?” I asked. I held my breath waiting for his response.

“And do what?” he finally said.

I looked down at my hands to see that they were shaking. I clutched them together to ease my nerves. “I’m not sure, exactly,” I said. “I’d like to help get you settled. I want to spend time with you.”

He seemed surprised. “You do?”

I went over to sit by him and grabbed his hand. “Of course I do. I’ve missed you all my life.” My throat closed up and I tried to choke back tears. They fell anyway. “I need my father. I can’t let you get away from me again.”

A little while later, I introduced my father to Bryce and Georgia in the lobby of the hotel. Dad kept his eyes glued to the shiny marble floor and clutched his easel and the worn brown leather backpack that contained all his worldly possessions.

“It’s good to meet you,” Georgia said warmly. Her auburn tresses hung in perfect ringlets around her face and her expression was open and sweet.

“Mr. West,” Bryce said, extending his hand. “We’re glad you’re okay.” Knowing how John felt about my search, my brother’s show of respect meant the world to me.

“Hello,” Dad said. His gaze was still stuck to the floor and he didn’t reach out to shake Bryce’s hand. My brother smiled at me and winked. Jack smiled at me, too, then gently took Dad’s elbow and led him toward the parking garage. Bryce walked with them, but Georgia grabbed my hand and held me back. Her thin eyebrows were pulled together and she frowned.

“Are you doing okay? Not freaking out?”

“Why does everyone think I might be freaking out?” I sighed as I pulled my hand away from her, crossing my arms over my chest.

“It’s a big deal finding him, Eden. Before you got down here, Jack told us that last night you said you were going to give up the search if you didn’t find him in Portland. So now suddenly here he is right when you were about ready to be done with the idea. Kind of an emotional about-face, don’t you think?”

“I guess,” I said. I wanted less hesitance from the people I cared about and more excitement. “Well, rest assured I’m fine. He’s a little overwhelmed, I think, but I’m taking it slow and giving him some space.”

“You call moving him to another city and into your house ‘slow’?” She gave me a doubting look.

“Georgia. I don’t need this right now.” My blood pressure started to rise. Why did everyone insist on questioning me on my decisions? I was a grown woman. I’d deal with the consequences, whatever they ended up being. “I need you to support me, okay? That’s what I need.”

“I do support you. I just care about you and don’t want either of you to get hurt.”

“I’m not planning on it.”

“It’s not something you can control. What if he freaks out on you? What if he loses it and ends up slitting his wrists again?”

“Georgia!” I’d had enough. “That’s not going to happen. I’ll talk with you later, okay? I appreciate your concern, I really do. Just let me do this my way. My dad and I will figure it out together.”

Georgia and Bryce offered to rent a car and drive back to Seattle on their own, so as not to put my dad in a car with more people than he could manage, so five hours later, Jack pulled up in front of my house to drop my father and me off. The ride home was fairly quiet; I sat up front with Jack in order to not pressure my dad into talking the whole time. He had agreed to come back with us but was still subdued. I didn’t want to make too quick a movement and throw him completely off balance. My plan was to get him in to a doctor as soon as possible and get him back on his meds. We’d figure everything else out as we went.

Jack helped us get my father’s things into my house. I realized I’d need to get Jasper at some point, but I didn’t want to stop by my mom and John’s house with Dad in the car. I figured the reunion between my mom and dad would have to be something they both were ready to handle. His first day back was definitely not the day to do it.

“Want me to go get Jasper for you?” Jack asked as we were getting the last of my bags out of the car.

I smiled at him. “You reading my mind or something? I was just trying to figure out how I was going to manage that.”

He hugged me. “I’ll get him for you. Do you want me to break the news to your mom, too, or do you want to do it?”

“Wow. I hadn’t thought about that.” My brain still buzzed with excitement at having found him at all. Practicalities and specifics about how I should navigate his return with me were far from my mind. I glanced over at my dad, who was standing on the sidewalk, staring at my house. “Would you mind telling her?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I did.” He kissed me, then shook hands with my dad.

“Mr. West? I’m going to pick up Eden’s dog for her. It was a pleasure meeting you, and I’ll see you in a little bit, okay?”

My father looked at Jack with a slightly dazed expression. “Yes, good. Okay. Nice to meet you too, son. And call me David, please. Only doctors call me Mr. West.”

“All right, then, David. I’ll be back in an hour or two. That should give you time to get settled in.” He came over to kiss me again, then climbed into his car and drove off.

I led Dad inside and showed him the spare room. The bed was still littered with the contents of the box we’d found at his old apartment and his paintings still rested against the wall. His eyes went straight to them—his depiction of the Garden of Eden was on top.

I maneuvered around him and cleared his belongings off the bedspread and back into the box. “These are yours, Dad, from your old apartment building. Wanda gave them to us a few weeks ago.” He was silent, so I went over and rubbed his arm. “Everything okay?” I asked.

He nodded, his eyes still glued to the painting. “That’s mine.”

“I know. That garden was such a great thing we did together. I’ve always remembered it. When I saw it was important to you too, even after all those years apart, I was pretty overwhelmed. It’s a beautiful painting.”

“It was a beautiful garden,” he said. I told him about the one Jack planted behind the shelter. “I’d like to see that,” he said.

“In the spring, you will.” I smiled. “Are you hungry? Can I make you something to eat?” We hadn’t stopped on the drive home; I was too anxious to get him in my house.

“More tired than hungry. I’d like to lie down.”

“Of course,” I said. “I’ll leave you alone. The bathroom’s just down the hall on your left.” I reached over and hugged him. His body was stiff, unyielding. I tried not to let that upset me. “I’m happy you’re here.”

He kissed the top of my head but didn’t say anything.

“Just holler if you need me, okay?”

He nodded and I left him alone. I walked into my living room and dropped to the couch, trying to absorb the fact that my father was actually in the other room. I still couldn’t quite believe it. I needed to get on the phone and try to find a doctor.

My cell rang just as I was digging around for it in my purse. It was Rita.

“Hey there,” I said. “How are you?”

“Not as good as you, it seems.”

“Jack called you, I take it?”

“Yep, this morning, before you guys left Portland. He asked me to get the name of a few doctors who might be able to get your dad in tomorrow. You got a pen or do you want me to e-mail you?”

I smiled, knowing Jack didn’t completely agree with what I was doing with my dad, but that hadn’t kept him from using his resources to do what he could to help. “E-mail would be great, actually.”

“You got it,” Rita said. “You doing okay?”

“It does feel a little surreal, but overall, I’m just really happy. I finally get a chance to get to know him.”

“And how is he doing?”

“He’s resting right now. I need to call work and take some time off, I think, to deal with all of this.” I cringed a little, thinking about what corporate’s reaction might be when I told them their head chef needed to take a week off during the holiday rush, but I was sure Juan was more than capable of handling the kitchen on his own.

“Probably a good idea. We missed you guys for dinner here last night. After my lame meal of hot dogs and potato chips, the troops were asking for you.”

“They were? That’s great to hear.” I paused, anxious about the phone calls I needed to make. “Hey, Rita, I hate to cut this short, but I need to make some calls.”

“No problem, chica. See you soon.”

After hanging up, I took a couple of deep breaths to calm down before calling Doug in the Emerald City Events corporate office to ask for the next week off. After I explained that the spreadsheets for all the scheduled events had been done and all Juan would have to do is make sure the kitchen staff followed them to the letter, Doug okayed the vacation. I called Juan and filled him in on the past days’ events and thanked him profusely for running the kitchen in my absence.

“No worries, boss lady,” he said. “I got it handled. You just spend some time with your poppa and get him all set up.”

“Thanks, Juan. I’ll have my cell, if anything comes up you need my help with.”

As I hung up, Jack knocked on the front door. I opened it, and Jasper came bounding inside, his whole body wiggling in his excitement at seeing me. Jack shut the door behind him while I sat down on the floor to let Jasper love me up.

“I think that dog just French-kissed you,” he said.

I smiled, scratching Jasper’s chest and letting him continue to lick my face. “He missed me.”

“I missed you, too,” Jack said. “Do I get to French-kiss you, too?”

I jumped up and wiped my mouth with my sleeve. “Now?”

He held up his hands in mock surrender, smiling at me. “Um, maybe after you brush your teeth?”

I laughed. “So much for unconditional love.”

He dropped to the couch and patted the cushion next to him. “Where’s your dad?”

“Sleeping, I think. Unless you noisy boys woke him up when you came in.” I sat down and leaned on him, and he put his arm around my shoulders. “I talked to Rita. Thank you for having her get those numbers.”

“Did you have a chance to call any of the doctors?”

I shook my head. “Not yet. I had to call in to work to get some time off.”

“How much did they give you?”

“Just a week, but I should be able to get him settled somewhere by then, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “Does he want to be settled?”

“Jack. Please don’t.” I pulled away from him and gave him a hard look. “I will talk with him about what he wants to do, okay? You’ve made your point. I get it. I need to take his wants into consideration. I promise, I will. So lay off it. Please.”

“I didn’t mean to push.”

“Well, you are. I need you to be my boyfriend, not his social worker, okay? That’s what I need.”

“Okay.” He pulled me back to him. “Sorry. I’m out of practice at this whole relationship thing. I do what I know best.”

“You’re bossy?”

He laughed. “No. I advocate. There’s a difference. But your dad hasn’t asked me to advocate for him, either, so I’ll shut up about it. For now.”

“Deal.” I was tired and didn’t want to argue anymore. “Are you working tonight?”

“Yeah, I need to get going pretty quick. Rita’s only staying until eight.”

“Oh!” I said, suddenly remembering where he had picked Jasper up from. “How did it go with my mom? Did you tell her that we found him?”

He nodded. “I did. She took it pretty well, I think. But she was definitely shocked. I don’t think any of us thought we’d actually find him. She said you should call her tomorrow. I think she’s worried about you, too.”

“There’s nothing to be worried about,” I said adamantly. ­“Everything’s going to work out just fine.”