Out On a Limb

“Ifucking knew it!” Sarah says, whispering inches from my face, her finger wagging.

“Whatever happened to hello?” I ask, looking around the hallway she dragged me into the moment Bo and I stepped through her front door for DND night.

“You want hello? Fine. Hi! How are you? When did you two start sleeping together?” Sarah shakes my shoulders, her smile open and wide.

“What? We are not,” I say, shrugging her off. “Step back, weirdo!” I whisper-yell.

She opens the door to Caleb’s office and shoves me through it. “Tell me everything.”

“Literally nothing has happened, Sarah,” I say, taking a few steps to get my balance after being pushed. “Would you calm down? Fucking hell.”

“There was a look. I saw it.” She points to her eyes in a fury.

“What look?” I ask, falling across the two-seater couch across from Caleb’s desk in front of a dark oak–panelled wall.

“You two walked in, and Bo looked toward the table where we set everything up. Then he checked in with you. A tilt of his head and a sweet little smile, then you nodded. He was getting permission to walk over there. That’s the look of a man on someone’s leash. Pussy-whipped!”

“You did not just say pussy-whipped. Please, please, please tell me you didn’t,” I say, covering my face.

“So you do not deny,” Sarah says, dropping into Caleb’s chair and throwing her feet up onto the desk in the centre of the room.

“I do deny. The most we’ve done since Halloween is hug.” Dancing is hugging, just extended, right? It doesn’t count.

Sarah’s eyes narrow on me in suspicion. “You do give great hugs,” she whispers. “But not that good.”

“Bo’s thoughtful. He was just making sure I was cool before he ditched me to see his friends. Simple as that.”

“So you’re telling me that I haven’t seen you in forty years”—it’s been twelve days—“because you’ve been held up in your house with him not boinking?”

I choose to let her use of the word boinking slide. “We’ve been hanging out,” I say defensively. “We go for walks to the water to talk. We hang out on the couch and watch nerdy movies that Bo likes. I’m also still working and growing a human. So yes, that’s all we’ve been doing. Sorry to disappoint.”

“How much talking do y’all need to do until you figure it out?”

I level her with a fierce glare. “We had to get to know each other, right? That was the whole fucking point of moving in together.”

“And?” Sarah asks.

“And what?”

“Do you know each other?” She throws her arms up, apparently exasperated.

“Yes.”

“And?”

“And what?” I snap, crossing my arms in front of my chest tightly.

“Is he a good guy?”

“Yes, obviously.”

“And?”

“Oh my god, what now?”

“Do you feel safe with him?”

“Yes.”

“So?”

“So what?” I yell.

“Are you in love with him?”

“Yes!”

Wait, what?

“No!” I say, panic-stricken. “No, no, no—” But it’s too late. Sarah is up from her seat, slapping the desk with both palms like a drum.

“Vindication!” she shouts, her hands like claws pointed at the ceiling.

“Shut up,” I whisper, rubbing my forehead. “Please,” I beg pathetically. “Don’t.”

“I was right,” she says, sitting back down. “Winnifred McNulty is in love.”

“Sarah, I love him, but I’m not in love with him.”

“Bullshit,” she spits, shaking her head.

“I mean it,” I say, my voice involuntarily pitching higher. “I mean it,” I repeat, steadier.

Sarah narrows her eyes on me, swiping her tongue across her teeth under closed lips. “Okay, then. Let’s play worst-case scenario.”

“Why?” I sigh out.

“Humour me,” she says, pushing the wheeled desk chair around the room until she’s directly across from me, our knees almost touching. She’s ridiculous but entertaining. I’ll give her that. “Worst-case scenario—a year from now. Baby is happy and healthy. Just think about you. Tell me; no hesitation.”

“Um…” I immediately hesitate.

“No!” She flicks the side of my head, and I swat her away. “Just speak!”

Fuck.

“This is stupid,” I say, tightening my arms across my chest.

“You’re being a child. Grow up and face your feelings. You love Bo. You’re in love with Bo. Admit it.”

“No!”

“Why?” she yells.

“I was hurt, Sarah. I was hurt so badly, and you don’t even know the half of it.” The moment the words leave me, all the breath in my lungs goes with them.

“So tell me, Win. Fucking tell me so we can work through it. I’ve been asking for years what happened. Or tell someone. Anyone. A professional, preferably. Or, Bo, maybe—since he should know.”

“He made me feel small” is all I manage to say, tears threatening to pour. “Jack made me feel small and stupid and incapable, and I never want to feel that way again. I gave him my self-esteem on a goddamn silver platter, and like a fucking idiot, I was surprised when he took it and ate me whole.”

“Jack is a fuckwad who will burn every bridge he ever builds. You are not any of those things, Win.”

“Yeah, I know that now. It took me all these years since Jack to remember who I am and what I’m not. I don’t… I don’t want to forget again.”

“You won’t.”

“I might! Because I keep forgetting a lot of things, apparently! Like, for example, the fact that Bo is most likely still in love with your sister-in-law. That night we spent together meant something to us both, but that’s just it. It was a night. He was with Cora for years. And even though she broke his heart and left him during the worst possible time of his life, he still cares for her. Still. That loyalty. That… type of connection… I can’t expect him to feel more for me after just a few months of being thrust into this situation together. I can’t live with the thought that he might wish I was her. That I was just the available option.”

Sarah sighs, her eyes held on me as her chest falls. “Win…”

“No, it’s fine. I’ve got it handled.”

“Win… you’ve got to talk to him.”

“I can’t,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “I can’t do it again. I can’t talk to him. I can’t put my heart on another platter and expect a different result.”

“Just, tell me this. What is your worst-case scenario?” she asks, her eyes heavy and lips pouted in concentration. “A year from now, you wake up and…” she adds, waving me on.

That’s the scary thing. At first, I wanted to answer that it was letting Bo in, just to be proven right. A type of right I’d never want to be. That he’d be careless with my heart and my feelings, and that a year from now, I’d wake up and realise I’d done it again—fallen for the wrong type of man. But that’s no longer it.

The worst-case scenario is not having found out what being with Bo could be like.

“Seeing Bo in love with someone else. That he’ll have a beautiful girlfriend who loves my kid too, and they’ll take them for walks on the beach, and dance in his dining room, and—and I’ll be somewhere else. Alone. Missing him. Missing what could have been. Realising that he was ready to move on… and I wasn’t his first choice.”

“Do you really think Bo would let it play out that way if he knew? Because, from where I’m standing, that man looks at you like you hung the moon. More than that. The sun too. I’ve never seen anyone look at another person like that.”

“I don’t think he’d intend to hurt me,” I whisper, mostly to myself. “But we don’t know if he feels the same. I don’t know if it’s just… attraction.”

“It’s not lust in his eyes, Win. It’s so much more than that.”

“What if it’s just hormones? What if it’s just some primal, lizard part of my brain telling me to stay close to the man I procreated with? What if I pop this baby out, and suddenly, he’s some intolerable toad?”

“Do you seriously think that, Win? That women are just skin suits operated by poor instinct and hormones?” She rolls her eyes, sitting straighter—in a man’s wide-spread posture. “Women are too emotional,” Sarah says in a deeper voice. “They can’t be in charge when their bodies make them go crazy once a month.”

“No,” I say pointedly, glaring at her.

“And why are we acting like his emotions should dictate yours? I’m asking what you feel. Not him.”

“Right. Yeah,” I respond weakly.

“So say it. Say it out loud. Be honest with yourself and me.”

I take a deep breath in, straightening my shoulders. Still, my voice comes out soft and timid. “I love Bo.”

“Even if he’s in love with someone else?”

“Yes,” I say, pathetic as it may be.

“Even if he’s not ready to love you back the same?”

I nod, staring up at the ceiling as I place my hands on my neck. “But isn’t that beyond stupid?”

“Love is stupid, Win,” she says softly. “So what are you going to do about it?”

I crumple into myself with a pathetic whine. “Do you really think he looks at me like that? You’d truly bet—”

“I do, Win. I do, and I love it so much.” Sarah reaches out, untangling my arms folded tight against my chest. She grips both of my hands and holds them. “You deserve this!” she says, shaking me a little until I smile for her, as forced as it may feel. “And I know this is also a pregnant thing, but you’re glowing. You seem so much lighter. When you two stepped in here together, it wasn’t like it was a few months ago. Then, it was like two people with chemistry and a sexy secret. Now, you look like the real deal.”

“I’m scared,” I whisper, crinkling my nose as we hold eye contact lightly.

“I know,” Sarah says, brushing her thumb over the back of my hand. “But I think if you ask him, he’ll be gentle with your heart.”

I nod, inhaling deeply.

“I also think you’re not that girl with the silver platter anymore. You’ve grown past that version of yourself. And I think assholes like Jack would take anyone as kind as you and try to twist them into something ugly. That’s what people like him do. It isn’t your fault you tried to see the best in him. Or that you didn’t want to be alone. You’ve gotta forgive yourself for that.”

I roll my eyes up, feeling a tear slip out. “Fucking hell,” I whimper, half laughing.

“Too much?” Sarah asks, laughing softly at me.

I shake my head, lifting off the couch and throwing my arms around her shoulders. “I love you,” I say.

“I love you,” she repeats back to me. “And that’s never going to change.”

When I sit again, neither of us moves or speaks. We just let the moment linger, encouraging smiles reflected back at one another. “I’m gonna try,” I say, sniffling. “I’m not sure when, because doing it sober will be a challenge and a half. But I’m going to tell him how I feel. Eventually. Soon, if I can.”

“And I’ll be there to say I told you so when that man tries to get you knocked up all over again.”

I roll my eyes, but I can’t help but grin, all the while imagining what could be. The best-case scenario, for once.

The version of life where Bo and I walk hand in hand into something new for us both. Slow, assured, and delicate with one another. Where maybe we would do this on purpose. Maybe a few times—if we’re any good at the parenting side of things.

And I can see it, clear as any memory. We’d build our kid a treehouse in the spring and drink wine on unhurried summer evenings on the back porch. Our limbs intertwined as we sit on a swinging bench, watching them play. A life where we’d make love as many times as we find each other with teeth and force and passion. Years and years spent still getting to know one another, unlearning and relearning each other as the decades go by. Uncovering the intricate layers and deepest spots until every darkened corner is found. The mess and the chaos and the beauty of a life well lived—a life shared.

I’d like it very much.

So much it scares me even more.

But not enough to not try.

“Maybe you could tell Bo how you feel on his birthday? Tie a bow around your tits and let him unwrap you. You must be dying to fog up those glasses of his.” And she’s back.

“I need your help with that, actually.” Sarah gapes. “No,” I say sharply, silencing her. “Not that. A party. I’m going to ask Bo’s dad to keep him busy during the day so I can set up and have a few of Bo’s friends over. He deserves something to celebrate him. Will you help me?”

“Obviously! Bo’s one of us now. I can’t be caught slacking on a birthday.”

I smile up at her before looking around the room absently, then to the door on a steadying inhale. “Should we get back out there?”

“Nah, let them miss us.” She smiles mischievously. “Oh, I forgot in all the chaos… Did you want to take a bath while you’re here? I picked up your favourite stuff, just in case.”

“I could kiss you right now,” I say to her, reaching to gently pat her cheek.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” she says, pushing off her knees to stand. “And save the kissing for Bo.” She snickers, walking toward the door.