November 9: A Novel

I’m clenching the cell phone in my hand in an attempt to avoid punching through my bedroom door. I was hoping the waitress would tell me she wasn’t there. I was hoping she didn’t show up so I wouldn’t have to disappoint her. I’d rather she have met someone else, fallen in love and forgotten about me than to be responsible for the disappointment I just heard in her voice.

I roll from my shoulder to my back and let my head fall against the door. I look up at the ceiling and fight back the tears that have been trying to take over since I found out about Kyle’s wreck.

I haven’t cried yet. Not even once.

What good would it have done Jordyn if I was a broken mess when I delivered the news that her husband died a week shy of their one-year anniversary? Three months before the birth of their first child? And what good would it have done Ian if I had been a blubbering mess on the phone when I had to tell him his little brother was dead? I knew he’d have to make arrangements to come straight home after I got off the phone with him, so I needed him to know that I was fine. I had things under control here and he didn’t need to rush.

The closest I’ve come to crying was just now, on the phone with Fallon. For some reason, it was harder telling her the news than anyone. And I think it was because I knew Kyle’s death wasn’t the real factor in our conversation. It was the unspoken fact that we’ve both been anticipating this day since we had to tear ourselves apart last year.

And as much as I wanted to reassure her that I’d be there next year, all I wanted to do was fall to my knees and beg her to come here. Today. I’ve never needed to wrap my arms around someone more than I do right now, and I’d give anything to have her here with me. To just be able to press my face in her hair and feel her arms around my waist, her hands on my back. There isn’t a single thing in this world that could comfort me like she could, but I didn’t tell her that. I couldn’t. Maybe I should have, but asking her to come to me at the last minute is more of a request than I could ever make.

The doorbell rings, and I stand at attention, pulling myself from the regret I feel over the phone call I just had to make. I toss my cell phone onto the bed and head downstairs.

Ian is opening the front door when I reach the bottom step. Tate steps inside and her arms go around his neck. I’m not surprised to see her and Miles here. Miles and Ian have been best friends since before I was born, so I’m glad Ian has them. It does make me wallow in a little bit of a deeper pool of self-pity, knowing his best friends are here with him and the only person I want is three thousand miles away.

Tate releases Ian and hugs me. Miles walks through the front door and hugs Ian, but says nothing. Tate turns around and reaches for one of the bags in Miles’s hand, but he pulls it from her.

“Don’t,” he says, his eyes falling to her stomach. “I’ll take all our stuff to the room. You go to the kitchen and make yourself something to eat, you still haven’t had breakfast.”

Ian closes the door behind him and looks at Tate. “Is he still not letting you lift anything?”

She rolls her eyes. “I never thought I’d get tired of being treated like a princess, but I’m so over it. I can’t wait until this baby comes and his attention is focused on her and not me.”

Miles smiles at her. “Not gonna happen. I’ll have more than enough attention for both of you.” Miles nods a greeting at me as he passes, heading toward the guest bedroom.

Tate looks at me. “Is there anything I can do? Please put me to work. I need to feel useful for a change.”

I motion for her to follow me into the kitchen. She pauses when she sees the countertops. “Holy shit.”

“Yeah,” I say, looking at all the food. People have been dropping casseroles off for two days. Kyle worked for a software company that employed about two hundred people and the building is only seven miles from our house. I’m pretty sure more than half of them have brought food by over the last couple days. “We’ve already filled up the refrigerator, plus the one in the garage. But I feel bad just throwing stuff out.”

Tate pushes the sleeves up on her blouse and scoots past me. “I have no qualms with throwing away a perfectly good casserole.” She opens one of the containers, sniffs it and makes a face. She quickly shuts it. “That’s definitely not a keeper,” she says, tossing the entire dish in the trash. I’m standing in the kitchen watching her, realizing for the first time that she looks to be about as far along as Jordyn. Maybe a little further.

“When are you due?”

“Nine weeks,” she says. “Two weeks ahead of Jordyn.” She glances up at me, pulling the lid off another container. “How is she?”

I take a seat at the bar, releasing a deep breath as I do. “Not good. I can’t get her to eat anything. She won’t even leave her room.”

“Is she asleep?”

“I hope. Her mother flew in last night, but Jordyn doesn’t want to interact with her, either. I was hoping she’d be able to help.”

Tate nods, but I notice her wipe at a tear when she turns around. “I can’t imagine what she’s going through,” she says in a whisper.

I can’t, either. And I don’t want to try. There’s too much that needs to be done before Kyle’s funeral for me to get caught up in what the hell is going to happen to Jordyn and their baby.

I walk to Ian’s room and knock on his door. When I enter, he’s pulling a different shirt over his head. His eyes are red and he swipes at them quickly before bending to put on his shoes. I pretend I don’t notice he’s been crying.

“You ready?” I ask him. He nods and follows me out the door.

He’s been taking this really hard, as he should. But it’s just one more reason why I can’t let this break me. Not yet. Because right now I’m the only one holding us all together.

A few days ago, I assumed I’d be spending today with Fallon in New York. I never imagined I’d be spending it at a funeral home, picking out a casket for the one person in this world who knew me better than anyone.

• • •

“What do you plan to do with the house?” my uncle asks. He pulls a beer from the refrigerator. As soon as he closes the door, he opens it again and takes out a casserole dish. He lifts the corner of it and sniffs it, then shrugs and grabs a fork from a nearby drawer.

“What do you mean?” I ask, just as he shoves a spoonful of chilled noodles in his mouth.

He waves the fork around the room. “The house,” he says with a mouthful. He swallows and stabs at the casserole again. “I’m sure Jordyn will move back to Nevada with her mother. Are you just gonna stay here by yourself?”

I hadn’t thought about it, but he’s right. It’s a big house, and I doubt I’ll want to stay here by myself. But the thought of selling it fills me with dread. I’ve lived in this house since I was fourteen. And I know my mother is gone, but she would never want us to sell this house. She even said so herself.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.”

He pops the lid on his beer. “Well if you plan to sell it, make sure you let me list it. I can get you a great price.”

My aunt speaks up from behind me. “Seriously, Anthony? Don’t you think it’s a little too soon?” She looks at me. “I’m sorry, Ben. Your uncle is an asshole.”

Now that she brought it up, I guess it is in poor taste to be discussing this with me just ten minutes after they show up.

I’ve lost count of who all is at my house right now. It’s almost seven in the evening and at least five cousins have stopped by. Two sets of aunts and uncles have brought us casserole dishes and Ian and Miles are on the porch out back. Tate is still running around the house cleaning, despite Miles’s desperate pleas for her to rest. And Jordyn . . . well. She still hasn’t left her bedroom.

“Ben, come here!” Ian yells from outside. I gladly escape the conversation with my uncle and open the screen door. Ian and Miles are both sitting on the porch steps, staring out over the backyard.

“What?”

Ian turns around. “Did you contact his old job and let them know? I didn’t even think about it.”

I nod. “Yeah, I called them yesterday.”

“What about that friend of his with the red hair?”

“The one who was in the wedding?”

“Yeah.”

“He knows. Everyone knows, Ian. It’s called Facebook.”

He nods and then turns back around again. He’s hardly ever here because of his schedule, so I guess showing up and not knowing what he can do to help makes him feel useless. He’s not, though. The simple fact that he’s allowing me to stay preoccupied with all the busy work is actually helping a little bit. Especially after not being able to see Fallon today like I was supposed to.

I close the back door and bump into Tate.

“Sorry,” she says, sidestepping around me. “I think I’ve convinced Jordyn to finally eat something.” She rushes to the refrigerator and shoots my uncle a dirty look as she watches him dig through each of the casserole dishes.

“Stop snacking and let’s go,” my aunt says to him. “We have that dinner with Claudia and Bill.”

They hug me goodbye and say they’ll see me at the funeral. When my aunt isn’t looking, Uncle Anthony slips me his Realtor card. When I shut the front door behind them, I lean against it and exhale.

I think having to interact with all the visitors is the worst part of this whole family-member-death thing. I don’t remember visitors being this frequent when my mother died several years ago, but then again, Kyle was alive to play the part I’m playing right now. I sulked in my bedroom like Jordyn is doing right now, hiding away from all the people. The thought of Kyle taking care of things back then when he was so young fills me with guilt. He had to have been hurting over her death just as much as I was, but I needed him to hold things together since I did nothing but fall apart.

I slide my hands down my face, wanting it all to be over with. I want the day to end so we can get tomorrow over with and then the funeral will come and go. I just want things to settle down. But then again, I’m scared of how I’ll feel when the dust finally does have a chance to settle.

I kick off the door and head toward the kitchen when the doorbell rings. Again. I groan, just as Tate passes me with a plate of food. “I would get it, but . . .” She looks down at the plate and drink in her hands.

“If you can just get her to eat something, I’ll entertain the ten million visitors.”

Tate nods a sympathetic agreement, heading back toward Jordyn’s room.

I swing open the door.

I blink twice to ensure I’m really seeing her.

Fallon glances up at me and I don’t say anything right away. I’m scared if I speak, the aberration will disappear.

“I would have called first,” she says, looking nervous. “I didn’t know your number. But I just . . .” She blows out a quick breath. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I open my mouth to speak, but she holds up a hand to stop me. “I just lied to you, I’m sorry. I’m not here to see if you’re okay. I know you’re not okay. I just couldn’t function after you hung up. The thought of not seeing you today and having to wait another year completely gutted me and . . .”

I step forward and shut her up with my mouth.

She sighs against my lips and wraps her arms around me, clasping her hands together behind my back. I kiss her hard, unable to believe that she’s actually standing here. That she went straight to the airport after hanging up with me today and spent money on a ticket to fly all the way to Los Angeles just to see me.

I continue to kiss her as I pull her into the house with me. My arm is around her waist, securing her against me, afraid that if I let her go she’ll vanish into thin air.

“I need . . .”

She tries to speak, but my mouth pressed to hers is preventing her from it. She opens the front door and tries to pull away from me. I release her just enough so that she can say what she’s trying to say. “I have to tell the driver he can go. I wasn’t sure you’d want me here.”

I step around her and swing the door open wider. I wave the driver off and then close the door and grab her hand.

I pull her up the stairs, toward my room.

Away from everyone in the world I don’t want to see or speak to right now.

She’s the only one I wanted with me today, and here she is. Just for me. Because she missed me.

If she’s not careful, I might just fall in love with her.

Tonight.