Mercy

“Roza, могу ли я поговорить с тобой (Can I speak with you)?” Nikolai asked as they both stepped out of the nursery.

Roza turned around to Nikolai and after a moment nodded her agreement. He placed a hand on her back. Her back immediately stiffened and he turned to look at her.

“Relax. I am just leading you to my office.” He said. Her shoulders sagged a little and she allowed him to lead her. The feel of his palm, warmly pressed on the curve of her back, was making it hard for her to think.

He opened the door and he allowed her to enter first before he followed. She walked to the other side of the room before turning to look at him. He closed the door and looked up at her.

Roza saw the slight hesitation glinting in his eyes. The nervous pull of his bottom lip between his lips indicated that he was anxious. He took two more steps closer to her and stopped.

“Roza, I want us to talk. We have a pup together. I know I hurt you in the past. I regret every moment of it. I truly do. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have left you.” She can hear the desperation in his voice.

“I don’t know if I can trust you.” She whispered and looked down at her hands that were folded in front of her.

He took two more steps - ridding of any space between them as he stood before her. Slowly, his hands came up to cup her cheeks, lifting her face to look up at him. His penetrating eyes looked deeply into hers as if he was trying to read what she was thinking. Licking his lips he swallowed the lump in his throat before speaking again.

“I realize how hard this is for you. If you were in my position and I was in yours, I would feel the same. I want us to be able to work things out and that can’t happen if you can’t give me a little, Roza. I know even a little is too much to ask and I am selfish to even ask this from you but-” He stopped. He wanted to tell her so much that he loves her, but it wasn’t the right time.

She pushed away from him and turned towards the window. “That is the thing, Nikolai. I don’t know how to give you even a little.”

That hurt. His heart twisted painfully in his chest. The thought of losing her already was ripping him apart.

“Are you doing this because of the bond and our wolves?” She asked.

He growled in fury and moved closer to her, placing his hands on her shoulders, he turned her around. “Do you think that lowly of me? Am I really that bad in your eyes, Roza?”

She looked up at him and her heart beat rapidly in her chest at how close they were. His masculine scent wrapped around her, comforting her. She could see in his eyes that he wasn’t lying to her. That he truly did want to make this work... but she was afraid.

Honestly, she didn’t want to give him an answer right now. She wanted to think about it because truly, it had to do with her coming to terms on forgiving him slowly. That was what he was asking for.

A second chance.

Forgiveness.

But first...

“Why did you leave me that night?” She asked.

He looked down in shame. “At that time, what I thought was logical was not logical. My father died with a broken heart shortly after my mother. Before he died he weakened the pack by not concentrating on the pack. Slowly, we were falling apart. When he died and I took over, I made a promise to always put my pack first.”

He cupped both her cheeks and pressed his forehead against hers. The desperation of losing her was too much for him. His heart was aching so badly in his chest it that felt like he was drowning under water.

“It’s not fair, Nikolai.” She said calmly before looking up at him. Her eyes flashed with an anger that she had held in a long time.

“I know.” He whispered hoarsely.

“It’s not fair that after three years you can come barging back in and ask for a second chance.” She shouted feeling her anger rise.

“You have every right to be angry with me. That’s why I-” He was interrupted when she pushed his chest, giving them both distance. She began pacing as she tried to control her anger.

“You hurt me. You hurt me a lot. You left because you were putting your pack first, but you didn’t think about me that time. What about how I felt? I was just as hurt. I woke up that morning to see you were gone. Do you know how used I felt? I felt dirty, like I wasn’t good enough for you. For months, I thought of reasons of why you left me. I thought that you would come back for me. I made up excuses that would make me feel better about you leaving, but in the end, after three years I have grown to understand you left me because you were heartless. You weren’t thinking about me, but yourself only.” She punched his chest hard and then his arm and then his chest again.

He let her inflict pain on him. She continued to flail her fists at his chest and he could see the tears running down her cheeks.” I hate you, Nikolai.”

“I know.” He whispered again, his heart tearing up inside.

“I hate you for leaving me that night. I hate you for not coming back. I hate you for not being there when our pup was born. I hate that I even care about the fact that you never came back!” She growled angrily.

“I know.” He repeated again and grabbed her flailing wrists to stop her. She tugged her wrists, but he held on tight.

“Look at me, Roza.” He demanded softly.

Her eyes flicked up to meet his and the unshed tears in her eyes broke his heart into a million pieces. He was the one who gave her that. He gave her pain.

“I hate you, Nikolai.” She whispered softly in a broken voice.

“I know.” He whispered and pulled her into his arms. She probably wanted to kick him right now, but he needed her close. He needed to comfort her, even when she didn’t want him to. Oddly though, her arms moved to wrap around his waist.

“Roza, please.” He begged like a broken man. “I don’t deserve you. If you say no, you don’t want me, I won’t stop you from leaving me. If you want to return back to your pack, I will allow you to. But if you give me a second chance, Roza, I promise I won’t fail you again. I will work my damn hardest to earn your trust back.”

“How do I know you won’t leave me the second I give you that second chance?” She asked. “How do I know you won’t abandon Maksim and-”

He growled angrily. “I am not lying. As Alpha to this pack, I swear my title to you that I won’t repeat the past. I want us to work, Roza.”

She snapped her mouth shut. He swore his title to her. If he lied and broke it off with her, the pack would be forfeited to her. The importance of a pack and the promise of an Alpha were not to be taken lightly.

Her body slackened a little in his arms. His nearness was slowly ebbing away her anger. She wanted to give him an answer, but she wanted time to think away from him - away from all this. She needed to clear her mind.

“Let me think about it.” She said with finality. “I want to think about it and I’ll give you my answer tomorrow.”

He nodded and slowly he released her. She took a step back and turned and walked towards the door. He watched her leave. When the door closed behind her, he exhaled in frustration and ran a hand over his face. Silently, he prayed that she believed him and will give them a chance.

The thought of losing her was enough to make him feel like he will never crawl out of this hole of darkness. He needed her there to help him, as selfish as it sounds. He knew that life without her was nothing and he won’t be able to live without her. The thought of years of loneliness after a few weeks of happiness was frightening.