FULL NOVELXO Love to Hate You: Chapter 32
The drive back to campus is a quiet one. The air is heavy with unspoken words and emotion. I want to discuss what I just witnessed, but I’m still reeling and not sure how to broach the subject.
And Carter hasn’t said a word. His eyes are pinned to the road in front of him. Everything about his demeanor is closed off. My brain whirls trying to come up with something that will smooth over the situation, but I keep coming up empty.
Nothing I say will make this better.
From the corner of my eye, I glance at his hand resting on his thigh. Every so often, he flexes his fingers, digging them into his shorts. There is so much pent-up agitation in that movement. I want him to know that he isn’t alone, but there’s a yawning distance between us that feels insurmountable.
As I reach out and thread my fingers through his, Carter’s gaze cuts to mine. So much emotion is conveyed without either one of us speaking a word. He squeezes my fingers and some of the distance falls away. Our eyes lock, and I’m slammed with a realization that knocks the breath from my lungs.
All the times I’ve seen Carter sporting a black eye, a bruise on his cheek, or a split lip come crashing back to me. He wasn’t involved in some underground fight club or messing around with another guy’s girlfriend.
His own father laid hands on him.
I blink away the wetness that has gathered in my eyes as my mind flips through all the times I’d looked at him, saw the damage, and shook my head in disgust thinking he was nothing more than a hotheaded jerk.
How could I have been so blind?
This is the reason that Carter is so guarded with his privacy.
This is why he keeps everyone at a distance.
Carter has one of the most recognizable faces at BU. College football has thrust him into the limelight. He’s going places, places that most of us can’t dream of, and everyone wants a piece of him.
They want to know Carter Prescott the football player, the guy destined for the NFL, but they don’t. They only see what Carter allows them to. A handsome athlete with prowess both on and off the field. A guy who will graduate at the top of his class and comes from a wealthy, privileged family. He doesn’t allow them to glimpse behind the carefully crafted façade.
I’ve known Carter for years, and I was still oblivious. I fell into the same trap as everyone else. It’s a disturbing thought that pricks at my conscience. Not once did I ever attempt to scratch beneath the surface. I was content to believe the paper-thin version he presented me with and I promptly dismissed him as not being worthy of my time or energy.
Carter squeezes my fingers and draws me back to the present.
“Hey, are you all right?” he asks.
The sound of his voice is like a gunshot in the silence. Laughter bubbles up in my throat and aches for release. The question seems absurd. I’m the one who should be asking if he’s okay. Not the other way around.
“I’m fine.” Our gazes lock. There is so much emotion swirling in his gray eyes. So much more than what I’m used to seeing from him. “What about you?”
He sucks in a breath and slowly expels it from his lungs. His chest rises and falls with the movement. “I’m okay.” He shifts on the seat and his voice dips. “I’m just sorry you had to see that.”
A dull redness creeps over his cheeks and my heart constricts. It kills me that Carter is embarrassed about this. He falls silent and I can tell by the way he clenches his jaw that he’s getting lost in his thoughts. I squeeze his fingers to pull him back to me. I don’t want him going there.
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about.” When he remains silent, I say, “None of this is your fault. Your dad is a jerk. He’s the one who should be embarrassed.”
“He’s not,” he says flatly. “Hopefully now that the police have intervened, he’ll take the restraining order seriously.” He glances in my direction. “My mom filed for divorce and he’s not happy about it.”
I nod, having gathered as much from the conversation that ensued after the authorities arrived. It boggles my mind that this is Carter’s reality. An avalanche of guilt nearly buries me alive. I’m no better than the BU masses. I only saw what he wanted me to. I never bothered to dig deeper or question the little things that weren’t adding up.
I clear my throat and croak, “I’m sorry.”
He frowns. “For what?”
I shake my head, unsure if my feelings can be adequately translated into words. Only now am I realizing how strong Carter is. To deal with a situation like this, you would have to be.
“For not seeing the man you truly are,” I whisper.
He remains silent for so long that I wonder if he heard me.
“I never wanted you to find out about this,” he admits.
“Why? Do you think I would have judged you for it?” I hate the idea of him going through this alone.
His hand tightens around the wheel. “I was ashamed.”
“Carter…” I fight back the tears that rush to my eyes.
He glances in the rearview mirror and slows the car, pulling over to the side of the road. The wheels spit gravel as he cuts the engine. He unsnaps his seatbelt and angles his body toward mine, sliding one hand into my hair.
“I spent all this time pushing you away because I never wanted that kind of ugliness to touch you. All I’ve ever wanted is to protect you, Daisy.” He pauses for a beat. “Even from myself.”
“Don’t say that.” My heart shatters into a million jagged pieces.
“You deserve better than me.” His other hand rises to cradle my cheek and a fierce solemnness flares to life in his eyes. “You have to know that everything I’ve ever said or done was never meant to hurt you. I needed to keep you at a distance and that was the only way to do it.” He shakes his head as his lips twist. “But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stay away from you. I ached to be around you.”
“The only thing I need protecting from,” I admit, “is my own stupidity. I should have seen what was right in front of me the entire time. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you.” I swallow down the emotion that threatens to break loose. “Not the other way around.”
“You’re wrong about that, but I’m not going to argue with you.” His lips lift as he strokes the side of my face. “None of it matters anymore.”
My heart clenches as fear slides through me. I don’t want him to push me away again. I don’t think I could stand it knowing everything I do.
Instead, he says, “Because you’re mine now.”
When his lips feather over mine, I open, needing the contact. Needing to reaffirm that this really is happening.
That he’s mine and I’m his.
When he pulls away, determination fills his eyes. “Let’s get out of here. We’ve got one more thing to take care of.
I expel a breath and pray our conversation with Noah goes better than I anticipate because he’s the only obstacle standing between Carter and me being together.