Love Aint Always Pretty

Metanoia

- the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or the way of life

66

"Thanks for tonight Damon." I say as he parks his car back in the basement.

"Sure thing. Anytime Savannah."

Both of us headed out of his car while I was still thinking of texting Nick back. After all these months he makes his way to me again asking if how I was. How insensitive is he still asking me that question? What could he possibly be thinking about while he was typing it asking me how I could've been these months after he left me just like that. My anger is now even more igniting again but I try to ignore Nick cos that's what he did to me.

Damon and I headed inside the elevator together until we reached our floor and walked out to the hallways. My mind was still thinking about Nick and I wanted to know about all these unanswered questions I have in mind. I wanted to know where he was, why he left me and why did he just text me now. But I'm scared of his answer, what if his answer will be related to his past again? I'm not ready to hear more from it cos I thought it was everything I needed to know.

But what if Cameron was right? What if there's more I need to know about Nick?

Damon and I headed out of the elevator and walked to each of our apartment. I literally stopped walking and froze when I stood right close to my door. Damon stops with me and looks into me then stares back at where I was looking. He's there. He's standing there right in front of my door. Im not hallucinating. I know I see him. I know what I see right now. And now I'm having a hard time breathing. My heart is going crazy and crazier every second I remember how he left me. I'm not ready to face him. I'm not ready.

"Savannah." He calls out to me.

"Nick..." I say breathlessly.

Nick's eyes moved to Damon and then Damon quickly marched his way to his own door while he glued his eyes on Nick. "Will you be ok?" Damon asked me.

I nod. "Yes. Thanks again Damon."

"Anytime. Goodnight Savannah. See you tomorrow." Damon says.

Damon marched his way inside his room which leaves me alone with Nick in this hallway. He's looking right at me while I was fighting myself from crying. I don't want to cry in front of him I want him to think that I wasn't affected when he left me. I want to slap Nick so badly. I want to pull his hair. I want to rip all of his skin from his body.

As I look at him longer, Nick still looks the same. He wore his usual clothes and his black leather jacket that I love the most when he's wearing it. Nick is really here. I couldn't believe it. I walked closer to my door and ignored him. I tried my headrest to ignore him.

I was having a hard time fishing my keys from my bag as I feel my hands shaking while I try to open my goddamn door. Damn where's that key.

"Savannah." Nick calls out to me.

I bite my lip hard cos my tears are already blurring my vision and I'm still trying hard not to let it fall on my cheeks while I'm still trying to insert my key to open this fucking door.

Damn this fucking door!

"Baby.." He calls out again.

I took a deep breath in and faced him.

"Don't you dare call me baby. Don't you dare." I say as my tears are now falling.

Nick tries to walk closer but I push his hands away from me. "Don't touch me Nick. I don't need you here. What are you still doing here? Why did you still show up huh? I thought you're gone. You left me right? don't need you!"

I faced my door again and tried struggling to open it once more and finally I did it. I hurriedly rushed inside my apartment and Nick was fast enough to follow me in. I tried to push him out of my door but he was too strong. I turned on the lights while he closed the door as I face him. My tears are still creeping out from my eyes.

"What do you still want from me?! Why did you still show up?!" I yelled at him.

"Savannah--"

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" I yelled again. I took a deep breath in.

"I don't wanna hear what you're gonna say to me! I'm so tired of this! You're here the first days, you say sweet things to me, you kiss me, you hug me, you make love to me and then the following morning you're gone. Just like that Nick. It's just like you're making me feel I'm your girlfriend for one day and the next day I'm not." I spit.

He didn't answer me but instead he's just looking into my eyes.

"Nick I'm your girlfriend. Why do I don't feel it at all? I have a label with you now but I don't feel it cos we never showed it to anybody! I should know where you were and you should be telling me about it! You were gone for seven fucking months without telling me and now you show up in my apartment like nothing happened?! Like what the actual fuck Nick?!" I yelled at his face.

He stared at me intently and I was trying to catch my breath. "Why did you transfer?" He asked.

"It's none of your business." I spit.

I crossed my arms together and tried to take a deep breath in. My tears are filling up my eyes again but I quickly wiped it away before it could fall.

"Who was that guy?" He asked.

"Nick stop acting like this, will you? You're doing this again! It's sickening!"

"I have the right to know who that guy was! I'm still your boyfriend."

I laugh humorlessly. "Boyfriend? You still have the guts to call yourself you're my boyfriend?" I shake my head.

I slapped Nick's cheek as hard as I could while my tears kept falling.

"Boyfriends don't leave their significant others for seven months without letting them know where the actual fuck they went to! You were never there for me Nick! Seven months!"

He looks at me intently and still no words were coming out from his lips.

"You can't just tell me you love me one day and then leave me the next day. You can't do that Nick! I didn't know you were this troubled! I can't believe you could do this to me! I fought for my parents for you bu I guess they were right. You were only here when you wanted to fuck me and then you'll just leave me the next day and you'll be gone for so long without telling me. You drive me insane Nick!" I yelled again. I didn't care anymore if others could hear me screaming.

"Well guess what Nick. I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm so tired of whatever we have or we had. I don't even think what we had was a relationship cos it didn't feel like it." I say as I wipe my tears.

He brought his head down and held the back of his neck. He sighs heavily as he tried to pull his head back up and looked at me. "I came here for two things Savannah." He says.

I don't want to hear the reason why he came here for. I don't want to know about that. I don't think I'm ready to hear whatever he's gonna say to me but my lips are trembling cos I know he's gonna say something bad that will terrible ruin me.

"First, I wanted to see you." He says.

I took a deep breath in and my heart just feels heavier every single second I am spending more time with Nick in this room for the first time after so long of being away.

"Second." He adds.

My lips are trembling. My heart is aching. My ears don't want to hear what he's going to say next. My hands are cold and shaking. My tears are gathering behind my eyelids and it's falling more and more.

"Let's end it." He blurted.

I bent my head down and I feel like I'm giving him the power to step on my heart until it runs out of blood. I breathe out an airy whimper as I cover my mouth with my hand. My tears were unstoppable now. My tears are coming out while my heart is aching so much that I feel it being stabbed in all directions. I couldn't believe he would show up in my apartment just to tell me he wants to end it. He really wants to end it He wants to end what we have. I pulled my head up with all the courage I have left in me to face him. I shake my head in disbelief of what I just heard. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I wanted to rewind back in time. I wanted to throw myself at him and hit him with all force.

He looks at me impassively.

"What did I do wrong Nick?" I asked him with a shaky voice.

"Tell me what did I do wrong so I could make it right? I was looking for you every single day. I went out asking everybody that knows you if they saw you but they didn't. I don't know if you told them not to tell me where you were, but I looked for you!" I covered my face with my hands.

I took a deep breath in. I waited for Nick to hold me, to hug me, to kiss me. But morning. He's just standing there.

"I called you nonstop. I texted you every time. But you didn't even bother to pick it up. What did I do wrong that made you fucking leave me? What did I do wrong?!" I fell onto the ground and just cried helplessly.

Nick walks closer to where I am and knelt down before me. He holds my arms but he looked at me with no emotions plastered on his face.

"I'm so sorry." He says

"That's all you could ever say! All the freaking time!" I wiped my tears.

"I'm sorry. That's the only words you know to say to me after leaving and hurting me! Don't keep on apologizing if you're just gonna continue doing the shit you're sorry for! Fuck you Nick!" I spit as my tears kep streaming down my face.

I pushed him away and I stand on my own feet then he stands too. I wiped my tears away, I hit his chest with my small hands. He lets me hit him. I hit him harder and harder with all the force that's left in me after he took it all out from me. "I hate you! I hate you!"

Nick didn't move away. Nick is taking all the hits. I look at him with so much anger inside my body that is battling with my heart because my heart tells me I need to stop him from leaving me but my mind tells me that I need to do this for my own good even if I love him. I know I've suffered a lot. I've sacrificed a lot for Nick. For my love for Nick. I'm such a fool. I know I'm a self-aware fool but this has got to stop. But will I want this to stop? I took a deep breath in.

Nick can never love me the way I love him cos he never did.

"Savannah, I came here to see you cos I want to finish it clearly between you and me." He says.

I bite my lower lip as I feel a massive pain in my chest, crushing me. Kicking me in my stomach.

"Is there someone else Nick? Who is it? Tell me! Is she prettier than me? Is she better than me in bed?" I cried.

He wipes my tears away. "There's nobody else Savannah. There's only you. I just... I just need some time to prove myself to you that I am worthy."

"Nick! God damn it Nick you are worthy to have me! I already told you about that! Why do you always fucking tell yourself you're not?! Damn it Nick!" I pushed my hair back as I walk away from him.

He follows me as I stop by the kitchen counter and he looks at me eagerly. I can see it in his eyes that he loves me but he's so afraid that he's not good enough for me even though he is more than enough. I wonder if he ever loved me. If I even owned his heart even just for a while. Nick. Why do I love you this much? Why do I let you hurt me?

"Savannah. I don't have any money to make you feel proud of me." He says.

"I don't need money! I need you! Why can't you see that?! Why do you keep on hurting me?!" I covered my face with my hands.

"I wanna show your family that I'm worthy for you. I wanna prove it to them." He tells me.

"Nick! Why do they matter? Why do you say that what they think about you matters?! Isn't my love for you enough? Isn't it enough Nick?!"

He walks to me and holds my hand tightly. "Baby your love is beyond enough. What they think about me matters to me cos I don't want to happen again what happened to me and Catherine before. I'm so scared of losing you the way I lost her."

"Nick you will never lose me." I tell him. No, it's more of like I'm begging him. I'm begging him to stay

He pulled my hand up and kissed my knuckles. "I'm so sorry baby. But I just need some time off. I'm guilty. We'll find our way back to each other someday."

"Nick you are confusing me!!" I pushed him hard on his chest.

"I'll be ready to prove to them that my past isn't what I am now." He says.

"Prove to them? Why? Wasn't the money my dad gave you enough?! Wasn't it enough Nick?! Do you need more that's why you're avoiding me?! How much did he pay you? A million? Two? Three? You really had to accept it to stay away from me?! You can totally avoid me for money?! How could you?!" I yelled.

His brows creasing. "How did you know about that?"

I choked a sob. "So it's true. You really accepted the money in return you'll stay away from me."

I shake my head. "I keep forcing myself that my dad was lying to me but he wasn't. Now I get it. Oh god Nick I can't believe you! That's why you're also avoiding me cos my dad paid you to!"

"I had a reason!" He screams.

"No Nick! I don't know you anymore! No, I think I've never known the real you cos you never showed it to me. You're always so mysterious. You always keep it to yourself. Everything Nick! You... Argh! I hate you!" I cried.

"Savannah listen. That's also the reason why I came here for cos I wanna explain myself to you."

I pushed him away. "No Nick. Get out."

"Savannah please."

I pointed to the door but he looks at me like he's begging me to stay. "Get the fuck out of my apartment! Once you'll leave that door, I never wanna see you again!"

He looks at me but he doesn't make a move and so am I. "You came here to end it clearly right? Well guess what, I'm not begging you to stay anymore. I'm not begging you to take me back or stay with me. I'm not gonna wait for you anymore cos you wasted all your chances. You fucked up Nick."

My lips are trembling.

"I was ready and willing to fight for you but then I guess I was the only one fighting for us." I spit.

I paused and he didn't say anything.

"I fell for you, what a stupid mistake that turned out to be." I added.

I look at him with tears in my eyes as my lips starts to tremble.

"Goodbye Nick." I say softly.

I watch as Nick walks towards the door and he never looked back at me. I bite my lower lip down so I won't tell him not to go even if I wanted him to stay. I wanted to forgive him for doing what he did but then I think I've forgiven him too much before and this one isn't worth a sorry.

Im fed up by what he has done to me and even though it hurts me to see him go, I think this was all for the best.

I did this for me.

SFTC:

Without You Here - The Goo Goo Dolls‒‒‒‒‒‒‒‒‒‒‒‒