Last Christmas?

After a while of talking (and the 3 of us sharing a festive meal together), Enki and Malin decided to get some sleep since we were still over 13 hours away from Earth.

I went over to the library and finished reading the book that I’d been reading before, and then I went to the kitchen and poured myself some coffee.

Then, suddenly!, as I drank my wonderful coffee, I had an epiphany!

I realized that I didn’t want for my beloved Krampus to be defeated, and I realized that Christmas was a holiday that the world truly would be better off without!

Why in the world had I been trying to defeat Krampus and save Christmas?!? What I truly wanted to do was the exact OPPOSITE of that!

I immediately ran over to the ship’s controls and ejected Enki and Malin from the ship by opening the big window that was in the room that they were sleeping in.

I watched them float off into space, and I saw that Enki had managed to create some sort of magic bubble around him and Malin that was protecting them from the unbreathable atmosphere that was around them.

I then used the spaceship’s weapons to fire! upon them!, and I smiled happily as the full force of the spaceship’s battle power smashed! into them.

Unfortunately, I soon saw that the bubble hadn’t been destroyed!

Hmph! Damn wizards and their magic bubbles!

Ah well, it was of no matter. I could just leave them out there and nobody would ever find them, and so it meant nothing that I wasn’t able to destroy Enki’s magic bubble.

I then flew the rest of the way to Earth, and I smashed! the bottle that the magic potion was in before arriving back to my home planet. Krampus and I couldn’t have our Princess drinking it and betraying us, now, could we?

Once I got to Earth, I headed over to the Royal Tower, and Krampus happily greeted me and said, “So nice of you to join us, my love! We really do have a lovely celebration planned for the last Christmas ever!, and it’d be a shame if you weren’t here to enjoy it.”

Krampus led me up to where the Princess was doling out justice, and I got to witness her wisdom firsthand.

A man was crying that his house had been robbed, and the robber was right next to him and was admitting that he’d robbed the other man’s house.

“And why did you rob this man’s house?” the Princess asked the robber, to which the robber responded that, “That man was plotting to secretly celebrate Christmas next year!, and so I robbed his house to teach him a lesson! I, of course, am giving 65% of the plunder to your majesty…”

As the man bowed before the Princess, she said, “You have done well, oh good and patriotic citizen of the realm of Earth. But shouldn’t it really be 80% of the plunder that goes to your ruler?”

“Why of course!” the robber said quickly, “Very silly of me to have gotten that number wrong… Let’s make it 85%!”

“Very good.” the Princess said approvingly, “Next case!”

Krampus and I then waved farewell to the Princess, and Krampus led me to the dungeons where I was delighted to see that the fairy godmother had been locked up!

“She was snooping around the tower,” Krampus explained, “and was presumably trying to kidnap the Princess or something.

Hello, fairy godmother! Having fun in the dungeons? Will this be a grand old way for you to spend the last Christmas ever? Muahahahahahahaha!”

“You monster!” the fairy godmother raged, “How did you get so good at mind control?!? Whatever!!! You’ll be stopped eventually!, and this will NOT be the last Christmas!”

“Blah, blah, blah.” Krampus said happily, and Krampus and I both began throwing water balloons at the fairy godmother, which was a jolly good way to spend the last ever Christmas Eve, as far as I was concerned!

Once we’d pelted the fairy godmother with lots and lots of water balloons, the two of us headed over to Krampus’s castle to check the crystal ball and make sure that there weren’t any big threats to the glorious reign of Myself, Krampus, and the Princess.

As we peered into the crystal ball together, I suddenly! realized that Krampus was just deadweight!, and that it should simply be me and the Princess ruling the world!

And, so, I shoved! Krampus into the crystal ball, and he was now trapped in there!

Yes!!! I was the ruler now!

“You’ll take good care of my husband, and make sure that he stays locked inside of you, right?” I asked the crystal ball; and the crystal ball responded that Krampus would not be released from the crystal ball until either I died or I decided to let him out.

“Very good!” I said happily, “His fate is in MY hands!, as it should be.” and I left the castle and headed back to the Royal Tower.

The Princess had just finished doling out the last bit of justice for the day when I got to the throne room, and she asked me where Krampus was.

“Oh, he says that he wants to do his thing at his castle for a while.” I explained happily, “As his wife, I can rule with you in his stead when he chooses to be at his castle.”

“Lies!” the Princess raged!, “You’ve trapped him! He’s already communicated it to me telepathically! Now, you let him out of that crystal ball this instant!”

“Silly girl!,” I said triumphantly, “there would be no reason at all for me to do that, now, would there?”

“Then you shall DIE!” the Princess raged, but I quickly captured her and took her back to my spaceship! Well… Enki’s spaceship… Mine now though! Enki was old news, and his property was now my property!

The Princess’s army chased after me as I ran the struggling Princess over to my spaceship, but I was too fast for them, and I managed to get it into the air before they could stop me!

“So this is your plan?!” the Princess scoffed angrily, “To flee???

You know that that means that the next in line to the throne will be Krampus, but since they won’t be able to find Krampus it’ll be my second cousin, and my second cousin LOVES Christmas!

Do you really wanna be the snowwoman who saved Christmas???”

“Of course I don’t!” I said exasperatedly, “But I need to somehow break the mind-control spell that Krampus placed on you and replace it with one of my own!”

“Didn’t you end up siding with Christmas that last time that you got anti-Christmas for a while though?” the Princess reasoned, “How can you trust yourself to stay committed to the cause? The only way to insure that this truly is the last Christmas is for you to head over to Krampus’s castle, free him from inside of the crystal ball, and allow him to lock YOU up inside of the crystal ball! Then Krampus and I can make sure that your goal of ending Christmas is accomplished!”

I considered for a moment, and decided that the Princess did indeed have a point!, and so I rerouted the spaceship towards Krampus’s castle so that I could free him from the crystal ball and allow him to lock me up inside of it before it was too late!…