Last Christmas?

“O% chance, my tail!” Malin yelled at the still diabolically laughing Krampus, “You’ll see! We’ll thwart your evil plan and save the Princess!”

“Yeah!” I agreed, “And we’ll get you to explain to us exactly how much man, goat, and demon you are too! Explanations are gonna have to be given before long!”

“I’m sorry,” Krampus said unapologetically, “but I didn’t hear your useless smack-talk past my own laughter! Bye-bye! And enjoy your last Christmas!” and as he left we heard him singing his own version of Last Christmas, which has to be one of the worst Christmas songs ever created.

🎵This is the last Christmas, time for a new start;

‘cause Krampus is here to tear it apart.

Next year, there’ll be only fear,

and Krampus’ll rule all the people!🎵

I think that there was more to the song than that, but Krampus had now gotten far enough away from us that I couldn’t make out any more of the words that he was singing.

“I gotta be honest,” I said to Malin, “as terrible as the Krampus version of that song is, I honestly think that the original is worse. Idk though. They’re both pretty bad.”

“Less talking, more bush-whacking!” Malin raged, as he thrashed wildly at the bushes that were in front of us; and I shrugged and decided to continue helping him carve out a path forward.

Before long, we heard a voice say, “Danger! Danger!” and we looked around but didn’t see anyone.

“Danger! Danger! The princess is becoming the danger!” the voice yelled, and it sounded like it was coming from up above us and so I looked up and saw that there was a parrot in the sky.

“I think that that parrot’s the one talking.” I noted, as I pointed up towards the sky; and Malin looked up and saw the parrot who I was pointing at.

“Krampus! The Princess! Danger! Mind control!” the parrot screeched, and then flew down towards us and landed on Malin’s shoulder.

“Mind control?!” Malin said in disbelief, “Is that even possible?”

“Hypnosis!” the parrot explained, “Danger! She’ll rule the world with Krampus! Last Christmas! Last Christmas!”

“So that’s his plan…” I mused, “He somehow is using some dastardly mind control hypnosis in order to get the Princess on his side! All he has to do from there is kill off everyone who’s above her in power, and then she and he can rule the world and forbid Christmas from being celebrated!”

“Already dead!” the parrot cried, “The Princess! Already the new ruler! We’re all doomed!”

“But, wait; it sounds like she still hasn’t been fully placed under his control yet.” Malin said, “Which means that if we save her in time then she’ll be a good ruler!”

“Maybe!” the parrot said uncertainty, and then said, “We’re all doomed!” and flew off into the distance.

For lack of a better plan, Malin and I got back to hacking up the bushes, and we continued doing so until nightfall.

Malin looked like he was going to continue on without ever sleeping, but suddenly! collapsed in a heap and was soon snoring loudly.

I wasn’t sure if I needed to sleep or not (being a snowwoman and all), and so I kept on clearing away thorny bushes while Malin slept.

I would destroy about a hundred feet of bushes, go back and pick up Malin, carry Malin forward about a hundred feet, and then slash about a hundred more feet of bushes.

I kept that strategy up all night, and I never got tired, and then Malin eventually woke up and got back to helping me slash away at the bushes.

After about 6 more hours of breaking our way through thorny bushes, we FINALLY stepped into a grassy clearing, and saw that there was a fountain up ahead, and Malin (who was very thirsty and hadn’t packed enough water with him) ran ahead and began to drink from the fountain.

Immediately after drinking the water, though, I saw him suddenly! turn into a turtle!

“Hmmm…” I mused, “It seems that this fountain was designed to slow you down!”

“Dammit!” Malin said, “How could I have been so stupid!?”

“Well, I suppose that the most sensible thing for now is for me to carry you.” I suggested, “Does that sound alright with you?”

“It’s what we have to do!” Malin cried, and so I picked him up and began running as quickly as I could through the grassy field that lay before us…