If He Had Been with Me

The day after Thanksgiving, my parents fight. I stay in my room through the day, listening, trying not to listen. Sometimes my mother screams and he shouts in return. Sometimes they whisper to each other angrily. Sometimes there are silences. Doors slam again and again.

At noon I go downstairs and steal some cheese from the refrigerator. The voices falter and fall quiet until I am safely upstairs again.

I lay on my bed in late afternoon, watching a patch of light move across the floor, my throat tight, my body still. This is the saddest part of any day, when too much time has passed to create happiness while it is still light out. It’s too late. The daylight has been squandered on my immobility. The patch of light falls still; it begins to fade. It will be better when it is gone. This is only one day, I remind myself, and it is very nearly over.

The voices quiet. The border between day and evening fades. No one calls me to dinner. The sun is gone and my room is dark but I do not move to turn on a light. I let the darkness move over me and I am still.

A crash downstairs jolts me. I spring up into a sitting position. The voices begin again downstairs. They grow. They shout. A door slams. The voices are outside now.

I move to the window. I cannot see them, only the side yard and Finny’s dark window. In the weeks since The War, the line drawn between my friends and Finny’s has become a wall of ice. No longer are there civil exchanges between them and us in class or when our paths cross in the halls or restrooms. We all do our best to pretend the others do not exist. Finny and I have not spoken since the day I stole the table back from him.

I lean my forehead against the cool glass and close my eyes. My parents’ voices are clearer now, even though they speak more quietly.

I listen to the purr of my father’s car driving away. My mother begins to cry. The gravel crunches under her feet as she walks inside. I flick the light switch on. My body reacts to the light; I am suddenly alert. I pick up my book and lie down on my bed. The house is quiet again.

It isn’t long before the knock I am expecting comes. The door creaks open and my mother’s head peeks in. She smiles at me as if her eyes aren’t puffy.

“I’m going over to Angelina’s, sweetie,” she says. I want to throw my book at her. I want to ask her what’s the point of pretending everything is fine, which would hurt her far worse than the book.

“Okay,” I say. She disappears.

***

I wake up hungry. It is still dark, still quiet. I shuffle barefoot downstairs. Everything in the old house creaks under my touch. I heat up the leftover mashed potatoes and watch them spin in the microwave. I’ll enjoy the meal more this time. It was an awkward Thanksgiving.

Every Thanksgiving and Christmas for as long as I can remember, my father has sat at the head of the table, The Mothers on either side of him, and Finny and I next to them, across from each other. Yesterday Finny sat in his mother’s spot instead of across from me. The Mothers glanced at each other but didn’t say anything in front of us. They’ve accepted that we aren’t best friends anymore, but I could see they won’t accept us not being friendly. All day, we never crossed the line between us. We only spoke when one of the parents spoke to us first, and there was nothing they could say that would make us speak to each other.

The Mothers probably would have said something eventually, but whatever had erupted between my parents today had been brewing yesterday, and it was probably all too much for them too. I felt bad for Aunt Angelina and Finny; I wondered if they would have been happier in their own home, where there are no divisions, no unspoken contention.

I take the plate out of the microwave and reach into the fridge. I take chunks of the cold white meat into my hands and drop them onto my plate. As I stand upright again, I look out the window. The kitchen light is on in the house next door. I imagine Aunt Angelina and my mother sitting across from each other at the kitchen table, mugs of tea between them.

The wind shakes the leaves and I have a sudden urge to go outside. The gray world out there looks inviting, velvety and cool. I glance at the clock. It’s just after one.

There is no one at home to care what I do tonight.

I take my plate in hand and head out to the front porch. On the other side of the threshold, the air is cold and damp on my skin; the floorboards chill the soles of my feet as I sit down on the steps. I realize that I have forgotten a fork, and then decide not to care. I grab hot chunks of the potatoes and lick my fingers.

It’s a silly rebellion, eating mashed potatoes with my bare hands on the front porch after midnight, but it’s what I have at the moment.

I eat the cool turkey more slowly, picking through the pieces carefully, taking small bites from my fingers.

When I am finished, I lay the plate to the side and lean against the porch railing on the right. The wind is blowing through the trees again. I shiver but I do not move. I want to see how long I can stand it out here. Perhaps I’ll stay all night. I shiver again and close my eyes. It is cold. I hear the sound of a car and right away my eyes are open again.

A blue car has pulled up in the street. The door opens and the dome light comes on. I recognize the male shapes inside the car, one in particular. Finny stumbles out of the car. He laughs and says something to his friends. They shout something back and he puts his fingers to his lips. He waves and they drive away too quickly.

I watch him walk up the lawn. I cannot see his face, only the shape of him against the night. There is something odd about his gait tonight; his steps are too small, and he leans too far forward. He’s feeling his jeans pockets as he walks. The light from the kitchen window makes him clearer as he comes closer. He stops a few feet from his porch and frowns. I lean forward to try to see him better, to see what is making him frown, and the steps creak beneath me. Finny looks up and our eyes lock. My breath catches in my throat.

“Hey,” he says after a moment.

“Hey,” I say. He stares at me, still frowning.

“No tiara,” he says.

“What?”

“You’re not wearing a tiara,” he says. He sounds odd, his words slurred together as if he were very tired.

“I’m in my pajamas,” I say.

“Oh.” He sways slightly.

“Are you drunk?” I ask. I’ve never seen someone drunk before.

“Yeah, kinda,” he says.

“You probably shouldn’t go inside then,” I say. He still has not looked away from me. Sweet, shy Finny: drunk. Even though I’d heard about it, even though I’m seeing it, it’s still hard for me to believe.

“Why?” he says.

“The Mothers are in your kitchen.”

“Oh.” He sways again. “Can I come sit for a while?” he says.

“Sure,” I say. He stumbles over to me and sits down heavily on the steps. He lets out a long breath and leans his head back against the railing. Mrs. Adams, our health teacher, made it sound like alcohol turned you into a different person. Finny is the same as always though, just a little unsteady, a little friendlier toward me than yesterday.

“I can’t find my keys,” he says.

“That’s not good,” I say. He nods in agreement, then looks at me again. I’m hunched forward, rubbing my bare arms.

“Are you cold?” he says. I nod. It’s bearable though; I may still make it to morning. “Here.” Finny starts to struggle with his letterman jacket.

“No, don’t,” I say. This must be what alcohol does to people; it makes them forget all the carefully drawn lines in the world.

“Come on, Sylvie, take the jacket,” he says, holding it out to me.

“Autumn,” I say.

“Huh?” He frowns.

“My name is Autumn. You just called me Sylvie,” I say. His frown deepens.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Autumn. Take the jacket, Autumn,” he says. He leans forward so that the jacket is practically in my lap. I sigh and take it from him. It is warm and smells of him. I slip it on and wrap it tightly around me. “There,” he says. He leans back, satisfied, and regards me. “It fits you,” he says.

“The jacket?” I say. I hold out my arms so he can see how the sleeves dangle far past my wrists.

“No,” Finny says, “your name. Autumn Rose Davis. Except there aren’t roses in Autumn.”

“Sure there are,” I say. “At least in St. Louis there are.” There isn’t a clear border between summer and fall here. It starts and stops and moves backward, luring the trees to turn red while tricking the roses to bloom for just a little longer as the season swings back and forth, hot and cold. The leaves are gold and red, and there are still a few pink roses in my mother’s garden, a bit wilted and a little brown on the edges, but still beautiful. I had admired them without making the connection to my name, but I have to admit now, it does fit me—pretty, but doesn’t belong.

“Yeah,” he says, drawing the word out. “But there aren’t supposed to be roses in autumn.”

“Things aren’t always the way they’re supposed to be,” I say.

There is a long silence after that. I look away from Finny and out at the long, dark lawn separating us from the street, and the clouds hiding the stars from us. I pull the jacket tight around me again. Something shifts inside his pocket. I reach inside and my fingers close around an easily recognizable object. I smile. “Here,” I say, and hold out his keys to him. He smiles back and takes them from me.

“Thanks,” he says. “I didn’t want to have to tell my father that I’d lost the key to that car.” Finny’s father—in another baffling gesture—gave him a car for his sixteenth birthday. I don’t know what kind. It’s something red and sporty, probably ridiculously expensive and Italian. I’m surprised that there is some way for Finny to tell him that he had lost the key. I had always thought the lines drawn between them only allowed one-way communication.

“So are you going to remember talking to me in the morning?” I ask. Finny frowns again.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’m not that drunk.”

“Well, I don’t know how these things work,” I say. He cocks his head to the side.

“You’ve never been drunk?” he says.

“No,” I say. I realize too late that my tone sounds defensive. He doesn’t notice.

“Huh,” he says. “I thought—” He breaks off and frowns again. “Huh.”

“What? You thought everybody was doing it?” I ask. He shrugs and looks away from me. I wonder what time it is, how much longer of my self-enforced sentence on the front porch is left. The sky doesn’t look any lighter.

“Why are you out here anyway?” he asks.

I’m surprised that my throat tightens. “My parents had a fight,” I say.

“Oh.”

“My dad drove away and my mom’s at your place.”

“Autumn, I’m sorry.”

“It’s the same old, same old,” I say.

“But I really am sorry,” he says. “I really am.” He has turned to face me on the step again.

“It’s fine,” I say.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m sobering up,” he says.

“Will you still want to talk to me when you’re sober?” There is another silence after that. I look into his face. I cannot read it. I stare at him and watch him take a deep breath.

“I’ll still want to,” he says, but something in his tone says no anyway.

“It’s okay,” I say. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Do you love Jamie?” My breath catches in my throat again. “I mean—is he good to you?” Finny says.

“What?” I ask. My shock shows in my voice and this time it does look like he notices. I try to make my tone light, as if I’m laughing at him. “Don’t tell me that you’re going big brother on me all of a sudden.”

Finny shrugs. He is not looking at me anymore. I wonder if he’s blushing. He probably is.

“Yeah,” I finally say. “I do love him. And he’s a good guy.” I try to imagine what sort of guy he thinks Jamie might be, what he would do if I confirmed his suspicions. I remember him punching Donnie Banks in fifth grade. “And anyway, I don’t think Sylvie would appreciate it if you fought Jamie to defend my honor.”

“Yeah,” Finny says. His face is still turned away. “I’d do it anyway though.”

“Are you sure you still would want to if you were sober?” I say.

Finny nods. “Yeah,” he says again. “But I’m only telling you because I’m not.”

I think about the things I would say to Finny if I were drunk, or at least brave enough to say them. First I would tell him that his jacket smells good. Then I would tell him that I liked sitting here talking to him, that I don’t want to go inside and end the conversation.

“You remember middle school?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I say. The wind blows in the trees. The sky still isn’t any lighter. Perhaps no time has passed at all. Perhaps we will sit here together forever. I wouldn’t mind; it might be better than facing tomorrow. I wait for him to finish his thought. He’s frowning again.

“I should probably go inside before I say anything else I shouldn’t,” Finny says. “I think I can fake it enough to get upstairs.”

“Oh, okay,” I say. He stands up and looks at me.

“You’re not going to stay out here, are you?” he asks. I shake my head.

“No, I guess not,” I say. I stand up and start to take off his jacket. He opens his mouth and starts to put his hand out like he’s holding traffic, then stops. He takes the jacket from me.

“Thanks,” we say at the same time. We both smile weakly. “Good night,” I say. He nods and walks off the porch.

“Hey, wait,” he says. I look back at him. He is standing at the imaginary line that divides my yard from his. “It’s a little past my curfew now. If Mom’s mad in the morning, can I use you as an excuse?”

“Sure,” I say. “Tell her I bawled my eyes out on your shoulder.” He smiles again.

“She’ll love that,” he says. “Not you crying but, you know. G’night,” he says. I turn away again and go inside.

***

I lie in my cold bed and look at the light coming from Finny’s bedroom window. I remember how, whenever I was sad, I would signal him with my flashlight, and he would take the cup up on his side of the string strung between our windows, and we would talk until we both fell asleep. It’s a long time before the light goes out.