Hockey With Benefits

I was heading into the bar because Mara texted, said she’d been there since noon drinking with her roommates. It was after practice and the other guys were with me. They headed inside, but I held back when my phone buzzed.

Mom: picture.

It was a picture of Titi all smiles. They were at a party, or I was guessing from the balloons and the rainbow painted on Titi’s cheek.

Me: She looks good. Happy.

Mom: She is! Things are good, honey. I know we talk often, but I felt like sending that message again today. We’re good. Titi’s good. You’re good. I know you worry, but you don’t need to. I love you, sweetheart. So very much. We’re going to visit Sissy tomorrow in the cemetery. Would you like us to FaceTime you when we’re there?

I stared at my phone, but I couldn’t give her the response she wanted. Or maybe she needed. I just couldn’t.

“Cruz?”

I looked up, and instantly scowled. Sabrina Burford was coming out of the bar, a tentative look on her face. Then, her chin firmed, and she came closer. “I saw the guys and noticed you were still out here.” Her eyes went to my phone. A small frown came over her face. She folded her head, some of her hair falling forward. “I know you didn’t want me to go see your mom and sister, but I had to. I’m sorry. I’m not sorry for going, but I’m sorry that I went when you didn’t want me to go. That doesn’t make sense.” She looked away, a sad expression coming over her. “I knew your sister was… I’m trying to say that I knew Sarah was different. But I liked her. Sometimes she could be mean. I saw that side of her, but I also saw times when she seemed tortured. I didn’t understand, and I don’t know if I ever will, but I know Titi was in the car because of me. I’ve not been perfect. I’m a bitch, stuck-up, you know. But I am who I am. And I just wanted you to know that I was always kind when I was around Titi. My mom only had me, and I always wanted a little sister. With Titi, it felt like I had a little sister.

“Look, I’m not here asking for your permission, but your mom is okay with me continuing to visit. I’d like to do that.” Her eyes flashed at me. Determined. “I’m going to do that. Sarah would want me to do that.”

“You don’t know what Sarah would want.”

She shook her head. “You’re wrong. Sarah wasn’t always mean with me. We had fun times, and sometimes I think I know her in ways you never will. And I do think she’d want me to continue seeing Titi. She’d want me to do it because she can’t, just like when she was alive. She knew I was the sister that she couldn’t be. It’s half the reason I spent so much time with Titi. Your sister cared, in her way.”

“My sister is dead. I don’t think she gives two fucks about us.”

“You’re wrong. I know you think she didn’t care about you, but she did. She wasn’t nice to you all the time. I know she was jealous of you, but she was also proud in her way. There’s a drawer in her room where she printed off every article there was written about you. Ask your mom about it sometime. She knows it’s there.” She held up a hand, heading back for the door. “I’ll see you inside, or not, if that’s what you want.”

I gave her a look, but I didn’t respond. No matter what she said or what she did, Burford and I wouldn’t be buddy-buddy. But maybe I didn’t need to hate her as much as I did.

I texted my mom.

I’m not ready to FaceTime when you’re there, but could you take a flower for her from me?

Mom: Of course! Titi will hold it the whole way there.