Good Elf Gone Wrong: A Holiday Romantic Comedy

Ah, the wedding day.

This time last year had been the worst day of my entire life, including that time when I got my period on the third day of sixth grade, and I had been in a class taught by literally the only male teacher at the school, and he’d taken one look and fainted and hit his head, and the ambulance showed up, and everyone acted like I’d tried to kill poor, beloved, elderly Mr. Hollway.

He did not return to teaching, and everyone blamed me.

Last year’s Christmas still gave me nightmares, especially the part where I had to tell everyone who didn’t know that the wedding was canceled, and by the way, Kelly and James were engaged, and wasn’t that nice?

I had wrongly assumed that the silver lining of that storm cloud of cheating, lies, and deceit was that I would never in my life have a day as bad as that Christmas.

Yet here we were, exactly one year later, with the new record for the worst day of Gracie’s life.

Hudson Wynter had not just been lying to me, not just slept with my sister, but he’d been manipulating me and using me to ruin my father’s company. And what was worse? It wasn’t even personal. It wasn’t some grand revenge plan to end a family feud. He had used me, pretended to care about me, pretended like we were partners in crime, had wormed his way into my heart, all so that Grayson Richmond could sacrifice EnerCheck like a pawn to win a chess match.

I was nothing to Hudson.

Just a check.

A big, fat Christmas bonus.

Hudson had never cared about me, had never loved me. In fact, he despised me.

I wiped my eyes with the apron that Hudson apparently hated.

“Aww.” Dakota wrapped her arms around me.

“You were right,” I said dully, turning back to the cream-cheese-and-pomegranate Danishes I was making. My cookie schedule had said I was supposed to be baking Italian Christmas cookies all day, but since there was no wedding, my baking plans were ruined. In this time of crisis, I needed leavened bread.

“You can’t change a bad boy.”

“Hudson wasn’t just a bad boy; he’s a terrible human being. Probably some sort of war criminal,” my cousin said. “You didn’t just dodge a bullet. You dodged a ballistic missile.”

“It just felt so real.”

Dakota picked up Pugnog, and he made snorting noises in her arms. She held him out so he could give me a doggy kiss on the cheek.

“I think,” Dakota said delicately, “that maybe you wanted it to be real, and you ignored the red-flag-draped reindeer tearing up your roof? It sounded romantic on paper, right? Bad boy falls in love with wholesome good-girl fake girlfriend? I’d buy a ticket to see that movie. Well, maybe not buy a ticket, but at least renew my streaming subscription to watch it.”

“He said he loved me,” I reminded her. “That’s all I wanted, was for him to say it.”

“Hudson slept with you to get access to your laptop. He’s a bad person.”

I felt nauseous again. Dakota was right. I couldn’t excuse that sort of behavior. It was a thousand red flags.

“My fake relationship with Hudson was probably the most beneficial,” I said. “How ironic. He was always pushing me out of my comfort zone, encouraged me to stand up to my family, and made me feel like I mattered, made me believe I could take charge of my own life. He was always there for me.”

“Stop rationalizing and excusing his behavior.”

“Hudson’s not all bad,” I said. “I kept thinking about that little boy in the video, scared and alone and in jail on Christmas. No wonder he was so rough around the edges. I wanted to wrap him in knitted blankets and feed him soup.”

“Sure, he’s not all bad,” Dakota agreed. “No one is all bad, but he’s bad for you.”

I wrapped my arms around myself.

“There’s always a ton of dating events in January,” Dakota assured me. “You’ll find your Mr. Right.”

“I don’t want Mr. Right. I want Mr. Wrong for me in every way possible. I want the Christmas miracle. I wanted him to stalk into the kitchen, wearing all black. I’d scold him for tracking in snow. He’d sweep me up in his arms. I’d smell the warm leather of his jacket. He’d make some sarcastic comment about Pugnog but still sneak him a treat when he thought I wasn’t looking. He’d tell me he made the biggest mistake of his life, that he’s ripped up the check, told Grayson to get lost, and dissolved his security company, and he was there to whisk me off to our beautiful new life together.”

“And how is this beautiful new life going to be funded if you’re unemployed and he just set fire to a five- and-a-half-million-dollar check?” Dakota asked. “Why are you so hooked on him?”

I sighed and spread the sweet cream cheese filling on the dough.

“I want someone to love me,” I said sadly. “I want someone to look at me and think ‘that’s my person.’ That’s what I’ve been waiting for my entire life.”

“You’re my person,” Dakota said to me and grabbed my wrist. “Ever since we were babies, you know I’m always a hundred percent on Team Gracie. You don’t need Hudson and his bad behavior. There are people here who love you.”

I gave her a small smile.

“Eventually, some guy is going to see how amazing you are, and then I’ll really be all alone.” My cousin hugged me.

“Hudson made me feel seen,” I said in her shoulder.

“Is this the Gracie appreciation party?” Granny Murray whooped, carting in a box of wine and a large steaming box of pizza.

“This is not enough for the whole family,” Dakota said, taking the box.

“That’s why I have this.” Granny Murray pulled out her Taser. “We’re going to get wasted then go get laid. Lots of lonely divorced men out there on Christmas Eve looking for a little love. It’s not as easy to get laid as on New Year’s Eve. That’s like shooting sperm in a barrel, but we’ll give it our best shot.”

“I don’t know whether to be depressed or disgusted,” I said after a moment.

“You’re hungry. Have some pizza.” Granny Murray handed me a slice. “You on your period?”

“What?”

“Depends on which bar we go to. Some guys have certain kinks that obviously I can’t fulfill.”

“I think I’m just gonna remain single for the foreseeable future,” I said hastily, giving Pugnog a bite of clam.

“Suit yourself. Good thing I bought vibrators for stocking stuffers.”

“Gran, that’s—You know what? Never mind. I didn’t finish shopping for all my stocking stuffers, so what the hell.”

“I even got ones for the men too.” She cackled.

“Great. Dad’s going to love a vibrating butt plug.”

“We can still book a flight to Aspen,” Dakota offered, waving her phone at me. “Girls’ trip. Me. You. Pugnog. A ski resort. No cooking, no weddings, no family, no Christmas.”

I felt a pang of sadness. No Christmas?

Would that be a bad thing? It wasn’t like the holiday season was particularly festive.

My uncles were drinking. James and my dad were holed up in his home office pretending to problem solve. My cousins were working to spend as much money as they could on the company credit cards before they got shut down, because that was totally the right approach. Not that anyone had asked me. I was still fired.

“Gracie,” I heard my mom call.

“If you don’t bring me on the girls’ trip, I’m ratting you out to your mothers,” Granny Murray threatened.

“Fine. A girls’ trip for three,” Dakota hissed.

“Let’s take the men something to snack on while they’re working so hard to clean up your mistake,” my mom said as she sailed into the kitchen, Kelly sulking behind her.

“Like Kelly’s going to be able to put together so much as a bowl of carrots and ranch dressing,” I snorted.

“Yeah. I don’t cook,” my sister said.

“Kelly,” my mom chided her, “you need to do what you can to get James to take you back. Don’t be like Gracie.”

“What do you mean, don’t be like Gracie?” I asked sharply.

“If you had just taken James back and forgiven him,” my mother said shrilly, “none of this would have happened. Your dad would still have his company.”

“No.” I slammed down the metal tray. “No, he would not still have his company because I would have been busy having babies and Dad would have run EnerCheck into the ground. Actually,” I backtracked, “that’s not true. I would have wanted to stay home with my kids, but since I am the only one who has even a remote idea of how to make EnerCheck run, James would have manipulated me into keeping the company afloat, like I’ve been doing for the past several years. And what did I get for it? Shit on.”

“You ruined my life,” my mom cried to me. “I had the perfect life, and you had to destroy it. We’re going to lose the house. We’re going to lose everything, Gracie. Your dad won’t talk to me, but I see it in his face. You ruined Christmas.”

I felt horribly guilty.

Then I straightened up.

“Hudson is right. An asshole, but right. This family is toxic. I’m glad EnerCheck is dead. I’m glad that Dad and James aren’t able to gaslight me and manipulate me anymore. If they had listened to me in the first place, the company would have been fine. There wouldn’t have been anything for Hudson to report back to Grayson Richmond. Everything would have been fine.”

“I don’t understand how I raised such a selfish daughter.” My mom was trembling.

“That’s the problem,” I yelled at her. “You didn’t raise me to be selfish. Instead, you raised me to be compliant and put others’ needs and feelings first. Maybe you should have made me stand up for myself more, to have more confidence. At the very least, I could have kept that company on the rails and told Dad to fire James. Shit, maybe I wouldn’t have had the low self-esteem to think a man who used to call me muffin and pinch my stomach was my soulmate instead of just a loser. But sure, Mom, I’m the terrible daughter. I’m ruining Christmas. I’m the problem here.”

I went to the fridge.

“You know what? Fuck you. Fuck Christmas. I’m taking Dad and James their cold, congealed turkey and then Dakota and me—”

“And me!” Granny Murray hollered.

“Are going to a ski resort, and I’m going to sleep.”

“With what money?” my mom demanded as I slapped hunks of cold turkey on two plates. “We have no money. We’re broke now.”

“I’m not,” Gran yelled at her. “I’m a wealthy divorcée with alimony, and we’re going to get some hot tail in the hot tub.”

Kelly slunk after us while I carried the dripping plates of meat down the hall, Pugnog snorting along after our sad parade.

“Granny, can’t you give me some money? I’ll go with you to find men to hook up with,” Kelly whined.

“You will?” Granny Murray perked up.

“Gran!” Dakota protested.

She gave an apologetic shrug. “You’re a little bit of a prude, you and Gracie.”

“Kelly, why can’t you find a nice man, a rich man, one with an in-law suite, because,” my mom sobbed as they trooped after me down the hall, “we’re going to lose the house.”

“Gracie.” My father looked up from where he and James were shuffling around papers on his desk.

Logan and several other cousins, who I had seen in the office all of ten hours over the past year, were also sitting around the home office in chairs, brows furrowed, trying to “fix” things. It was like an episode of The Muppet Show. All I needed was James to start parroting, “Business! Business!”

“We are trying to work,” James said brusquely.

“We just wanted to bring you some lunch,” my mom said, kissing my father on the top of his head.

“I thought Granny Murray brought pizza,” one of my cousins complained when they saw the hunks of cold turkey.

“Business morons don’t get pizza,” I told them.

“I’m not taking food from traitors,” James snarled at me and Kelly, who didn’t seem at all upset that the guy she was supposed to marry today hated her.

“Shut up, James. You and Dad were running this company into the ground.”

“Gracie, that’s no way to speak to—”

“Who? My boss? Guess what. I was fired, so I don’t have to be nice anymore.” I slammed the plates of cold turkey breast on top of the papers.

“Watch out, Gracie,” my dad warned.

“Those are the reports from last quarter which James created with bad information and then doctored. Turkey grease isn’t going to make them any less useless than they already are.”

My ex’s face went red.

“You should have used the ones I made.” I wagged my finger at them. “You’re not going to blame me for your bad business decisions. Dad, I’m your daughter. I cared about EnerCheck. Yet you had so little respect for me and my contributions to the company that you’d rather listen to what amounts to a scam artist than someone actually trying to keep the company in the black.”

My dad looked sad.

“I know, Gracie,” he said. “I know that you were trying to help us, but I had to support the family. I can’t just cut them off. You wanted me to cut off your cousins, your aunts, your uncles.”

“Yes,” I said. “Yes, I did because they did not work at the company.”

“Bitch,” James muttered.

“Cheating stupid asshole.”

“Language! What happened to my sweet little girl?” my dad cried.

“She is sick of incompetent men being given all the credit and all the benefit of the doubt. New Year’s resolution—I am not making myself small so that rude pompous men can feel better about themselves. Put up or get out.”

“If you don’t mind.” Grandma Astelle appeared like the ghost of Christmas future in the double doorway that opened to my father’s office. “We have company.”

“Mr. Richmond?” my dad gasped when a familiar green-eyed man, flanked by another man in a suit, walked into the home office.

“Come. We’ll let the men do business,” my mom whispered.

“The hell? Is this 1950? I’m not leaving Dad in here alone with Grayson fucking Richmond so he can sell off what’s left of the family assets.” I shook off my mother.

“Mr. Grayson Richmond, the single, eligible billionaire with a penthouse?” Kelly perked right up.

Grayson was as unflappable as he’d been in the fight at the bar.

“Kelly, out,” I barked. “And you,” I spat at Grayson. “Get out of here.”

“Grace O’Brien,” the billionaire said, inclining his head slightly. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” He gestured to the tall man next to him. “Marius, head of legal for Richmond Electric. We’d like to discuss your company.”

“Actually, it’s my company,” my dad said, extending his hand.

Grayson took it. He was much smoother than Hudson, more cultured. Three weeks ago, I would have said he was just my type. Though now I just wanted someone to huddle on the couch with and call out how shitty this whole Christmas scam really was.

Maybe next year will be better.

Or maybe it will suck even more.

“May we sit?” Grayson asked.

“Of course.” My dad pulled out a chair.

“No.” I crossed my arms then uncrossed them and put them on my hips in a power pose. “Tell us what you want or get out.”

“As you wish,” Grayson said.

The good manners were grating. I was not in the mood for niceness today.

“Don’t you want some cookies?” my mom offered.

“He hired Hudson to ruin our lives. He doesn’t get Christmas cookies,” I snapped at my mother.

Marius winced.

“Speaking of that issue. I’d like to buy EnerCheck for $1,000,000,” Grayson announced.

“Done,” my father said eagerly.

“You didn’t even hear his offer,” I hissed at my dad.

“It’s a worthless company, so who cares what he’s offering?” James scoffed.

“If it’s worthless, he wouldn’t offer anything,” I argued.

“Very astute, Ms. O’Brien.” Grayson gave me an assessing look.

Guess Grayson wasn’t the type to call someone Sugarplum.

I wracked my brain, thinking about what Grayson could possibly want.

EnerCheck was a stepping stone, a pawn to sacrifice for a bigger fish.

“You want info on Roscoe Energy,” I said abruptly. “That’s worth a lot more than $1,000,000.”

“I thought they stole everything from us already,” my brother said.

“He needs the data free and clear,” I said, narrowing my eyes at them. “Roscoe could sue him if they have proof he stole their data. That’s not whistleblowing; that’s just a felony.”

Never write anything down.

I bet Hudson didn’t even hand that data over to you, so that you could keep your hands clean.

“Ten million,” Grayson said.

“Now that I know that’s how much you’re willing to pay, I can go to Roscoe Energy and let them make a counteroffer.”

“They don’t have money right now to buy you all out, and without them, you’re worthless,” Grayson said coldly. “Take my offer now, or I’ll scoop you up in the New Year for pennies.”

“Gracie, take the offer, please,” my father begged.

“Shut up, Robert,” Grandma Astelle told him. “Honestly. Sometimes you prove that old woman right.”

“You are the CEO,” Grayson said simply. “It is your decision.”

My father was sheepish. “I think Gracie probably knows better.”

“She is my granddaughter,” Grandma Astelle said primly.

“No, she’s my granddaughter.” Granny Murray put up her hands like a boxer.

“Please don’t get in a fight, and please put away that sword,” I warned them.

Marius seemed alarmed.

“Thirty million,” I counteroffered. “Or I could sell to Svensson Investment. Shoot, any of the hedge funds would take the company just for the data, once they know you want it so badly.”

Green eyes flashed.

“Don’t get all huffy,” I said when he opened his mouth to protest. “This is a rounding error for your firm. I’m being very generous.”

He worked his jaw then said, “Fine, but you will be the CEO.”

“No thanks. I’m flying to Aspen with my share of the $30 million and finding a hot-tub boy. I might even get pregnant, buy a nice house, and raise a baby along with a dozen rescue pugs.”

“That’s my girl!” Granny Murray whooped.

“I need to lie down,” my mother groaned, slumping against a bookcase.

“That would be quite the waste of your talents. You come highly recommended by my associate. He is very impressed by you. Per his information, you’ve been the one running EnerCheck all these years.”

“Did Hudson ask you to buy EnerCheck because he felt bad?” I demanded, “Is this a pity offer? You two are friends, right? It was you he was hanging out with at the bar.”

“I don’t have friends.” Grayson gave me an odd look. “Please understand. I’m not in the business of letting emotions cloud my judgment. You’re valuable to me, regardless of Hudson’s feelings toward you.”

I scowled.

“I want a board seat, 25 percent ownership, and final say on all hiring.”

“How about fifteen percent and a car?”

“How about you stop thinking I’m some brain-dead little girl you can buy off with toys? We’re negotiating here. Man up or stop wasting my time.”

Grayson sucked in an angry breath.

Was it smart to piss off a billionaire like that?

Probably not.

But who cared? After this meeting, I was going to go sit in my room and eat cinnamon rolls and drink bourbon hot chocolate until the New Year.

Grayson’s lips thinned. Then his mouth quirked.

“Hudson was right about you. You are amazing.”

“I’m not—he didn’t—” I sputtered.

“He is quite enamored of you.”

“He doesn’t get to be enamored of me,” I shrieked, causing Marius to wince.

Calm down.

This is a professional meeting, not a group therapy session about my ability to hitch my sleigh to some of the worst men on the planet.

“Twenty percent,” Grayson said.

“Twenty-two, and a half a million sign-on bonus. And a parking space.”

“A parking space? That’s worth as much as rent.”

“Shocking. A billionaire who actually knows how much something costs. Do a gallon of milk.” I snapped my fingers.

“$2.89.”

I applauded. “Congratulations! You will not be visited by a dead business partner and three ghosts tonight.”

His mouth parted slightly.

“You know,” Grayson said after a moment, “if Hudson Wynter wasn’t so madly in love with you, I’d ask you out on a date.”

“You would?” Marius was shocked.

“Hudson does not love me. And I hate him.”

“Believe what you will, but he’s so obsessed with you, I think he just might kill me if I was anything less than coldly professional.”

“You’re going to have to get over yourself because I don’t do coldly professional. Come to the kitchen and let me fix you a plate of cookies while Marius preps the paperwork.”

“Thank you, but I don’t eat sweets.”

“Fine. You can have brisket and garlic-herb mashed potatoes.”

“After we sign the paperwork, Madam CEO.” Grayson shook my hand. “I want all of the competitors’ data in my office by this afternoon. I have a private plane waiting to take you to Manhattan.”

“A private plane?” My cousins were excited.

“We’re saved!”

“Let’s go shopping.”

Grayson’s face was perfectly neutral.

He didn’t even have to say it.

I whistled sharply. “I need everyone’s laptop. Now.”

I dumped out the box with the useless paperwork and shook it at the nearest family member.

“Put laptops and tablets in the box and pass it around. Those computers are company property, so I’m taking them with me to Manhattan.”

Once I had all the electronics, I turned to my family.

“All of you except Dakota are fired.”

“Fired?”

“Does that mean we don’t get paid?”

“Way to ruin Christmas, Gracie.” Kelly was furious. “I need to get my nails done.”

“I’m trying to salvage something here,” I snapped at them as Grayson picked up the box.

I opened the door while my cousins stormed after me, yelling at me about upcoming expenses they had.

“Pleasure doing business with you all. Merry Christmas,” Grayson called.

“Wait! Take some cookies, hot stuff.” Granny Murray shoved several in his pants pocket and dumped Pugnog in the laptop box.

“Did she just feel you up, man?” Marius asked under his breath.

“No take backs,” I said as I herded Grayson and Marius out the door.