Good Elf Gone Wrong: A Holiday Romantic Comedy

Kelly kissed Hudson again. His hands were still down her panties, like I wasn’t even there, like neither of them even cared that they were naked in the kitchen, having sex in front of me.

“Hudson, how could you?” I sobbed.

“This wasn’t what was supposed to happen.”

Yes, it was. Remember? This is literally what you paid him to do.

Maybe Hudson was doing the nasty with Kelly because he was sorry for flaking earlier, I told myself, and he was going to come back to me later like at the end of a Hallmark movie and sweep me up in his arms, saying that he really did love me and he wanted to be my real boyfriend.

Yes, that was absolutely what was happening.

Christmas delusions are back on the menu, boys!

“Hudson, I thought you loved me,” I wailed, really giving my all for the performance. Yes, I’d played a donkey in the church nativity pageant when I was a kid, and it was quite the showstopper.

“I’m having your baby,” I sobbed. “How could you sleep with my sister?”

“How could he not?” Kelly was triumphant. “Look at you. You don’t belong with a man like him.”

“Gracie,” Hudson said, pushing Kelly off. “Please.”

“Kelly?” James demanded, shoving me aside. “What is the meaning of this? Hudson, were you having your way with my fiancée? Call the police.”

Astelle smacked James on the side of the head.

“Ow!” He grabbed his head.

“Don’t be an idiot,” Grandma Astelle thundered. “Once a cheater, always a cheater. You asked for it as soon as you proposed to her.”

“Mazel tov, Astelle,” Granny Murray said and raised her glass of vodka. “Broken clock is right twice a day after all.”

“James, honestly.” Kelly sauntered over to him, like she was wearing a full-coverage evening gown and not thong panties and her hair extensions. “Hudson’s the type of guy a girl hooks up with. I didn’t mean to fall in his arms. It’s the pregnancy hormones.”

I tried to contain my excitement as I waited for him to go for the kill, total annihilation, nuclear revenge, blow up the marriage and take James down.

But he didn’t lay into anyone. Instead, he bowed his head and wouldn’t look at me. “I’m so sorry, Gracie,” he said quietly. “I better go.”

“Hudson?”

Head still bowed, he walked quickly to the front door, through the crowd of my family, none of whom had wanted to stay at the country club when family drama was afoot.

The front door slammed behind him.

“Can’t we all just go back to the rehearsal dinner?” my mother begged. “There’s salmon.”

“You’re just going to sweep it under the rug?” James spat.

“Don’t act like this is the first time you met my mother,” I said, under my breath.

“It was a mistake, James. We didn’t even do anything,” Kelly purred.

James was wavering.

After weeks of planning a big, grand nuclear revenge, this was what I got. Three thousand dollars down the fucking drain. Fuck Hudson.

Fine. I’ll do it myself.

“Are you seriously going to take her back?” I asked James, lacing a decade’s worth of pent-up venom in my voice.

He jerked back.

“Are you seriously going to roll over and let her whip you? Let her drain your bank account, nag you in your own home, all while you know without a shadow of a doubt that she’s bringing back men to fuck in your house? It’s embarrassing how little self-respect you have. Hudson was right when he said you weren’t a real man. We all literally heard her tell Hudson that she wasn’t pregnant. And you still want her back?”

“Shut up, Gracie. I love you, James,” Kelly begged. “I am pregnant.”

“She’s not,” Connie called. “I heard it too.”

“Kelly doesn’t love anyone other than herself. Why? Because my parents enable her. She can do no wrong. She has and always will be treated as the baby of the family and allowed to get away with anything. So congratulations, Mom and Dad.” I applauded. “You raised a woman who has no problem cheating on her fiancé two days before her wedding and lying about a pregnancy.”

My voice rose, carrying through the house.

“You all have belittled me, berated me, used me, treated me like shit, ignored my mental health and sanity in favor of Kelly. I have put up with it way longer than I should have. James, I recommend that you learn from my mistakes and dump Kelly out in the cold.”

“She’s just jealous, baby,” Kelly cried to James. “Mom, make her stop.”

“Gracie, why are you acting like this?” my mother demanded.

I turned on her. “Because I’m tired of you treating me like my feelings and desires don’t matter.”

“You didn’t have to go get pregnant out of wedlock from some boy from the wrong side of town to make your point,” my mother snapped.

I drew myself up. “Hudson is not some boy. He is a grown, adult man, military veteran, and landowner. He works harder than anyone else in this family, and yes, I see all of you listed on payroll, yet never see you in the office,” I told my cousins and extended family, who all looked around shifty-eyed.

“Be that as it may, Hudson is still an absentee father,” my dad said with a frown. “At least James is here.”

“You know what, James?” I threw up my hands. “Marry Kelly at your own peril. That?” I pointed to my mom. “Is your future and your kids’ future. Good fucking luck. I’m not taking this anymore. I’m out.”

Then James said, “I’m out too. The wedding is canceled.”

“No!” Kelly cried, grabbing James’s shirt.

“Boo. I wanted cake,” Logan hollered.

I picked up Pugnog.

“Gracie, this isn’t like you. Gracie, come back,” my mom demanded, racing after me.

“No. It looks like there’s a room free at the cute little boutique hotel downtown. I’m staying there tonight.”

Granny Murray whooped and pumped her fist.

“You see?” Astelle berated my father. “I told you not to marry that Bethany. Look at the state of your children.”

“Astelle,” my mother shrieked, “there is nothing wrong with my children.”

“Eh?” Granny Murray waved her vodka glass. “Two out of three ain’t bad odds.”

I felt like a queen as I walked out of the house, head held high.

My feet crunched in the snow on the walkway.

If only Hudson would roll up on his motorcycle and we’d ride off into the—well, not sunset, it was pitch-black—but into the snowy winter night.

Instead, there was James, his hand on my lower back.

“You were amazing back there,” he gushed to me. “I wish you’d never given up on us, Gracie. It was heartbreak that pushed me back to your sister. Can you please forgive me, muffin?”

It was the pet name I hated.

“James,” I said as he smiled at me, smug.

“Yes, darling?”

“Fuck off.”

“Hudson ran off because he felt guilty,” I told Pugnog when we were in the cozy hotel room.

I’d stopped at the country club first and asked the caterers very sweetly if I could make a to-go plate. They’d packed up a box of food for me and included a bottle of champagne and, of course, desserts. I’d planned that rehearsal dinner, goddamn it, and I had earned this food.

I’d done it! All—well, mostly all—by myself. I had stood up to James and my parents and my sister.

Some celebratory sex sure would be nice right about now.

I broke the rules and texted him.

Gracie: The wedding is off!

Gracie: Whoo!

Gracie: I have food and champagne.

I sighed as I waited for a reply.

… and waited.

Finally, I broke down and called him.

No response.

I rolled over on the bed, drawing the fluffy robe around me.

Gracie: No hard feelings on my part BTW.

Gracie: Take no prisoners, right?

I ate a bite of the cake. Why not eat dessert with dinner?

I flipped through the TV channels, hearing phantom pings from my phone. Hudson had to respond, right?

Maybe he was driving.

Maybe he thought I was upset.

Maybe he was with someone else.

No way. He was trying there at the end to ruin my sister’s wedding, to try to help me, because he promised.

He wouldn’t just disappear. I think he cares about me.

I’m sure he cares about me.

Fuck it.

Gracie: Will this make you come see me?

I pulled back the robe, exposing my tits, and snapped a few photos and sent them to Hudson’s number.

Then I sat on the bed and waited for him to respond.