Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

It’s early evening somewhere on the I-44. I’m parked behind a rest stop gas station, and I’m trying to catch some sleep on my Segway. Have you ever tried to sleep while standing on a Segway? Long story short: you can’t. Maybe this is why nobody’s ever used a getaway Segway.

My Segway and my workout outfit are now the only things I own. Forget figuring out how to return home without getting in a crapload of trouble for faking my own murder. I’ve just gotta figure out how to survive.

I pull out my cellphone, which is low on battery but has enough power to make one more call. I know what I must do.