Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

The equipment is wiped down, my membership is cancelled, and I’m about to walk out the door of 24 Hour FitClub for the first time since I walked in a week and a half ago. For the last time I make my way through the cardio room, then turn left at the reception desk and head for the exit.

But Jeff and Greta are standing there, blocking my way.

“Hey darling. Where you going in such a hurry?” says Greta.

“I’ve achieved all of my fitness goals,” I say. “Time to go home.”

“Really?” says Jeff. “That’s strange. ‘Cause when I look at you, I see someone who appears to be carrying a little extra weight around.”

Greta nods in agreement. “You’ve definitely put on a few pounds,” she says. “But don’t worry about it, because we have a little weight loss program we’re gonna introduce you to.” They start walking menacingly toward me, and I try to do an end run around them, but Greta grabs one of those giant blue rubber balls from the stretching area and throws it at me. It hits me on the head, knocking me to the ground. As I’m lying there, dazed, I think to myself that now I finally know what those balls are actually for.

Jeff and Greta carry me into an equipment closet and rip off all my money belts.

“You won’t get away with this!” I say. “As soon as I leave, I’m calling the police.”

“Go ahead,” says Jeff. “You do that, and we’ll tell management you were living here.” I realize I’m screwed. The fee for an early membership termination here is like a thousand bucks. I can only imagine what the fee would be for living in the club for a week and a half.

Jeff and Greta turn to leave, their arms full of my cash. Well, now their cash. “See? Our weight loss program really works!” says Greta.

“Hold on a sec,” says Jeff. “She’s our friend. I don’t think we should leave her with absolutely nothing. Do you?”

“You’re right,” says Greta, and she tosses me something. I pick it up.

It’s a three-day guest pass to 24 Hour FitClub.