Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

There’s a bit of a problem that’s cropped up living at the health club: I brought $15,000 with me to live on when I disappeared, but where do you keep $15,000 in a 24 Hour FitClub? There’s no place to keep ten cents safe in a 24 Hour FitClub, or in any other health club. I guarantee at least five members of every health club join just to steal stuff, and 90% of the staff probably works there because they know they can supplement their crappy salary by pilfering the lockers. (Does anyone really think personal trainers make enough to live on by personal training?)

My initial solution was to store my money in a money belt, which I kept wrapped around me at all times. But as I started spending the money and breaking my 100s and getting change, I had more twenties, tens, fives, and ones, not to mention the coins. So the physical amount of money multiplied and eventually I needed a second money belt. Then a third. Now I’m up to eight.

This creates a couple of problems. First, I look really fat, because I wear the money belts under my clothes. A person who’s working out at a gym 24 hours a day but getting consistently fatter might raise a little suspicion.

Second, when I sweat while working out, the sweat is blocked by the money belts, so after a workout I have horizontal-striped sweat stains. Jeff and Greta have definitely noticed. They asked me about it yesterday, and I told them I’d donated half my sweat glands to Glands for Good, a nonprofit that gives sweat glands to people who don’t have them.

The money news isn’t all bad, though. My overall financial situation is way better than I anticipated. I thought I’d be spending a lot on food, but people who use the weights at the club are constantly throwing away uneaten pieces of their protein bars. A quarter of a PowerPlexMegaBlast bar contains a day’s worth of nutrients for the average human. So hunger was the least of my problems. I now think it’s strange when I see a news story where they’re flying planes of rice to starving people in Africa. Instead of a plane of rice, they could just send like two boxes of protein bars.

Making my financial situation even better is the fact that I’ve actually started earning some money, thanks to Jeff. A couple days ago we were on the treadmills when Jeff said, “Hey Amy, how’d you like to make some extra cash tonight?”

I thought about it for a second. I hadn’t wanted to do this, but it would be nice to make some more money. “Fine,” I said, “but it’s 100 for an hj, 250 for a beej.”

“No no,” he said. “I thought you might help me do a little locker room cleaning.” And he held up the master key to all the women’s lockers. “We’ll split what you find 50-50.”

I grabbed the key and headed to the locker room. My first cleaning session was a success: after Jeff’s cut I made $243.61. And I also made $100 more when Jeff ended up taking an hj!