Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

I’m a wife! Ha ha, women who aren’t married, I am officially better than you! And as for you married women who are married to some loser who only married you because he couldn’t do any better (pretty much all of you), I am better than you too! Oh and also, I’m better than every woman who isn’t hot.

Nick and I tied the knot exactly a year ago today. I really think that being married to Nick has made me a better person. He’s taught me how to chill out about things and not be so anxious all the time. For example, he’ll come home from work, and I’ll tell him about something that happened to me that day, and he’ll say, “Yeah, whatever,” and turn on the TV. I see what he’s doing here: he’s saying that my attitude toward these things should be “Yeah, whatever.” That’s solid advice.

We love to do silly coupley things — like last weekend we drove to Delaware just because neither of us had ever had sex in Delaware. Nick wanted to try it, and I wanted to tell my friends about it so they’d be jealous. But I’m gonna tell them we went to Hawaii instead of Delaware.

As I mentioned, today is our one-year anniversary, and I’ve thought of the perfect way to celebrate it: we’re having a treasure hunt! I’ve hidden clues around the city at different places where Nick and I have hung out. As every girl knows, when you take mundane events in your life and refer to them in a treasure hunt, that makes those events special.

After the treasure hunt, we’ll have sex again. It might seem like we’re having a lot of sex for a married couple. My friends had all warned me that the sex would stop quickly. But what they don’t understand is, if you want to withhold sex in the future as a motivator, you’ve got to set a high bar in the present. So bring on the cock!