Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

I turned my key in the lock of the cat cafe door, and then realized the door was already open. My sister Go (short for Margo) had gotten in a few minutes before. I went over to the bar and gave her a kiss on the lips. Yes, on the lips, with a little tongue. So what? No biggie. To answer your question, no, we don’t fuck. We’re just really close. We do a lot together: work, go to movies, mutual masturbation, bjs, 69ing…but we do not fuck. So you can get that sick thought out of your head right now.

Go looked at me and poured me a shot of espresso without asking. I took a sip, and Go pointed at my mouth. Apparently I had some foam on my lip. I wiped it, and Go pointed at it again, and I wiped it again. Go rolled her eyes and just grabbed my face and slowly licked the foam off my lip with her tongue.

Our behaving in this manner had begun to gross out the customers, so finally we had buttons made up that said, “We’re not fucking. We’re just close.” That seemed to calm people down.

“What’s up, you look terrible,” Go said.

“Today’s my fifth anniversary,” I said. “So I’ve gotta deal with Amy’s anniversary shit.”

“Awwwwww, I feel so sorry for you,” Go said. “You married a complete bitch just because she was hot, and now she’s five years older and a little less hot and thus even more of a bitch. Poor baby.”

“Blow me,” I said. Go shrugged and started pulling down my pants. “Go, I meant it figuratively, not literally,” I said. “Anyway, I’m not in the mood. I’m freaking out about having to do another one of these treasure hunts.”

Every year on our anniversary, Amy made me do a treasure hunt, in which she scattered clues throughout the city which eventually led to my anniversary present. But the clues were impossible. So every year without fail, Amy blamed me for spoiling our anniversary because I couldn’t figure out the answers to her impossible treasure hunt clues.

For example, here’s one from last year:

The drinks at this bar are really great

But more important, it’s where we had our first date!

Our first date was six years ago. What, am I supposed to remember everything I’ve done for six years? What were you doing on this day six years ago? Can’t remember? Thought so.

Amy had eventually tried to make some of the clues easier, but they were only easier for her.

This clue will be an easy one all right,

It’s the restaurant where we ate last night!

Earth to Amy: when I eat, like most people I pay attention to the food, not to what some stupid sign says on the front of the building.

Today’s treasure hunt was thus doomed to be a failure. But Amy still insisted on doing it, because to a hot girl, anything you could call a “hunt” or “adventure” was worth doing, since you could tell your friends about it and make them jealous that they weren’t getting to go on hunts or adventures.

“So what did you get her for her anniversary present?” Go asked.

“I haven’t bought it yet,” I said. “Whenever I think about buying her an anniversary present it reminds me that I’m married to her, so I stop thinking about it. But I’ll go to the mall on my lunch break and grab something.”

“Maybe you should get her something that can’t be bought in a store,” Go said.

“Like what?” I said. At which point Go started pulling down my pants again.

Look, this is the last time I’m gonna say this: we don’t fuck.

Before I could get to orgasm the stupid phone rang. I answered it by saying, “Doggie McDoggerton’s, this had better be worth me not orgasming.”

It was my neighbor Carl, calling to tell me my dog Bleecker was cruising down the Mississippi River in a canoe. I told Carl this wasn’t any cause for concern, because Bleecker has taught himself how to untie the canoe and take himself for rides in it. But then Carl said the front door had been sitting open for a couple hours, which was a cause for concern.

I drove back to the house. Since Bleecker still had the canoe, I had to hitch a ride with a passing fisherman to actually get there and see what was going on. The door was still wide open. Amy would never have taken off and left the door open: she got too much mileage out of criticizing me when I did it. So she had to be home. But we always kept the door closed when we were at home so sea otters wouldn’t wander in. Why hadn’t Amy realized the door was open for so long?

“Amy? Hello?” I went inside and searched the entire place.

Amy was gone.

Hooray!!!!!