Girl in Pieces

The library is nearly empty, so I have plenty of time on the computer. Casper has finally sent a message.

Dear Charlie, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to your last message and I’m sorry you’re feeling anxious. I should be clear, here, though: I’m not your doctor, anymore, legally, so I have to be very careful with what advice or thoughts I give you. And I am helping others, too, so sometimes I may not be able to respond to you as quickly as you’d like. I hope you can understand that. I’ve looked up some resources for you in Tucson, they may be of help. You’ll find them at the end of this message.

The most important thing, Charlie, is to keep yourself active and keep yourself aware at all times. Such as: no drinking, which you haven’t followed. Have you had anything to drink since the email to me? Is there anyone you can talk to, like your friend? It’s very, very important that you follow steps every day to keep yourself sober and safe. It’s going to be a hard road, Charlie, and the hard work is largely up to you. You were given very few emotional resources as a child and your life, until now, has been one of hiding your feelings until they become simply so powerful you can’t control them anymore. Practice your breathing, take walks, do your art. Be kind to yourself.— Dr. Stinson

I may not be able to respond to you as quickly as you’d like. I look at her list of resources: Alateen, a therapy group for survivors of suicide, a women’s shelter. Alateen? I think about sitting in a group of kids talking about drinking. About what happens if you drink.

And then I think: I’m probably what happens if you lose control. A kid will end up on the street, no home, etc. I don’t want to sit in a group where I’m the whole thing they’re trying to not be. I look at the survivors’ group on the Web: a lot of pictures of sad people sitting in a circle on the grass. I don’t even look up the shelter, because I do have a place to live now, even if it isn’t the greatest.

I start to write back, but then I delete the message. What could I tell her? Whine more about messing up with Mikey? She’d say Make another friend, probably. She’d tell me to go to one of these groups. Frustrated, I click on another message, from Blue. It’s a week old.

SILENT SUE WHR R U? I miss you, my good girl. Re: your last email: yeah, we are our worst enemies. But it doesn’t have to be all that. I’ve been kind of really paying attention in Group lately, and some of what GHOSTDOC says, it’s not all bad, especially not that::::!!! Im getting sprung!!!! Don’t know when. Been following rulez, eating up meds, thinking about hooking up with Isis in KANZ ASS. Maybe we will cum on out and check u out !! Have u been a good girl? PLZ talk 2 me. Everyone you knew here is gone but me and Louisa and I tell you, that girl is NOT doing well. Something’s going on. BLUE

I stare at the message. She wouldn’t come out; that’s just Blue being a poker again. Right? I look at the list of Blue’s messages on my email. For someone who started out being so mean to me at Creeley, she sure does seem to like me. And she might, I think suddenly, and kind of sadly, be really lonely, too. I’m not sure what to do with feeling sympathy for Blue.

Make a friend. What would be the harm in answering Blue? She’s the only one I have right now who could possibly understand what it’s like to live this way.

Blue—Good on you for listening to Casper. What else are you gonna do, right? The desert is a hot mess—if you come down bring your halter tops and sunglasses and lots of sunscreen because every day is like fire on your skin. I’m not sure what I’m really doing here, but here I am, so here I am, I guess. I have a job washing dishes and it isn’t so bad. What is going on with Louisa? Tell her I miss her before you go, okay? Maybe you could give her my email or something. I’m not a good girl, I’m bad all the way through.—Charlie