Deliver Us Huis

I tossed in my bed restlessly. I couldn’t go to sleep with all of my worries swirling around in my head. I couldn’t get the picture of the exploding building out of my head. The idea that I had the power to do that to a building, even a building with people inside, made me feel uneasy.

It didn’t seem right that, with a tap on my pocket screen I could do something that could end dozens of lives.

Was it just me, or did this disturb Petrus too? It seemed to me that blowing up buildings and creating monster machines didn’t make him think twice.

Was I being weak?

I felt like Petrus expected me to be strong. To be able to make decisions like him. To not be moved by these metal monsters and their destruction.

Was it alright that I had doubts?

I turned over on my side. I needed to stop. I was overthinking things, like usual. I just needed to stop. Especially right now. What I needed right now was to sleep.

My mouth felt all sticky and dry. I needed a drink.

I sat up and combed my fingers through my messy hair. I swung my feet out of bed, wincing at the cold ground. Shivering I pulled my blanket off of my bed, twisting it around me as I walked to the elevator. I had left my water bottle up there. I could grab it and then come back down.

The elevator dinged and I stepped out on the top floor. My water bottle was on the table. I grabbed it and then turned back to the elevator when I caught a glimpse of the world outside the window.

Still wrapped up in my blanket I walked over to the window to look out.

The cities lights twinkled below, casting a warm glow on the city. It looked almost inviting. I pressed my forehead to the cool glass and looked out, mesmerized my the moving living world below.

It felt wonderful, just being alone for once. I started out at the world below, half wishing I could go down there now. A sudden realisation made me feel almost giddy. I could go down there, if I wanted. I could go and live and touch the world that I gazed at from up high.

It was a sense of freedom, a sense of control.

I could do anything with my life. Nothing was holding me down. Goodness, if I wanted to I could run away, and be gone forever, exploring the world, with no responsibilities.

Yet, I didn’t want to, not really. I didn’t want to go down into the world tonight. I wanted to go back to bed.

Besides, the world that sparkled from up here would look very different down there. From up here I could just see the lights. Down closer to reality, I would see what the lights shone on. Dirt, pain, poverty.

How could something so beautiful be so horrible up close?

I sighed, turning from the window again, only to hear the elevator ding. Into the room stumbled Nickolai, carrying a bundle of papers. He hurried to the table and spread them out. He sat down, unaware of my presence by the window.

I coughed, and Nickolai jumped, his eyes flashing green.

I laughed, “Really Nickolai, you must be more aware of your surroundings.”

He laughed nervously, and then regained his composure “I’m sorry, I didn’t expect anyone else to be up here this late.”

I tilted my head, “Why are you up here?”

He shrugged, turning back to his papers, “Couldn’t sleep.”

I walked over to where he was sitting, trying to catch a glimpse of what he had written, and drawn on the papers, “What are you working on?”

“Oh, you know, just dreaming of revisions and things for the Anthrolems. Researching other useful technology.” He said.

“Oh, ok.” I said. Nickolai turned back to his work, and I, having nothing else to do turned back to the the elevator, water in hand.

I climbed back into bed, and checked the clock on my pocket screen. 2:47

I wished I could go help Nickolai with Anthrolem revision, but I needed to go to sleep. Tomorrow I could worry more about helping. Tomorrow I could worry about how the news would take the explosion. Tomorrow I could worry about getting the needed resources.

But tonight I needed to go to sleep.