Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

Our annulment was tomorrow. I had this ache in my heart that wouldn’t leave and a sickness in my belly that filled me with dread every day.

I had been living with Killian for just a little under a month now, of course he got his own way. I am sure he made Connie’s mums say no. Nothing surprises me with that man.

Reading over the annulment papers for the millionth time, every ‘I’ was dotted, and every ‘T’ was crossed.

Killian kept his distance and nothing sexual had happened between us since we all had dinner together. The risks outweigh the pleasure, and I don’t want to lose either of them as friends, especially Connie.

I felt like I had hit a low over Christmas. My parents couldn’t fly due to England getting a freak snowstorm and grounding them. I was heartbroken but Connie’s mums welcomed me with open arms.

And like it does every year, Elijah’s death crippled me. After eating dinner, I excused myself back to Killian’s and locked myself in my room. I ignored him and Connie for four days.

I needed to cry it out and let myself heal in my own time and they understood that. Is it weird that I have a close relationship with my best friend’s dad? A bit yes. Do I care? No.

Killian has helped fill a huge, gaping black hole in my heart that I was worried never would close again.

I didn’t ever want to lose him, and I was going to try and do everything to make that not happen.

I felt awkward being here the night before the annulment, and to be honest, I didn’t want to go through with it. Things had drastically changed between the two of us, but it was the right thing to do. We had been plodding along for far too long as husband and wife. It was a drunken night that neither of us remember so why are we still married?

I started working this week with Killian at Hayes Investment. I was apprehensive mixing pleasure with work but it was just a stopover. A fill gap until I found a job that worked for me. I was just grateful for the opportunity plus the job security. Killian kept re-assuring me that he would make it right at Lordes but I didn’t know if I wanted to go back there. I couldn’t work with Adele again. She would make my life hell, even more so now knowing that we were actually married. I wanted to ask Killian what the deal with him and Adele was, but I just couldn’t find the words to ask him.

It was none of my business anyway, after tomorrow we were no longer legally bound to each other.

Killian wouldn’t take any rent off me, so I made a point of helping round the house. Not that I could do a lot because his housekeeper was here, but I managed to make the odd dinner here and there and tonight was one of those nights. I wanted to make him a traditional English dinner and lucky for me, my mum sent me a care package just after Christmas, so I had a lot of goodies and all I needed for this dinner was my gravy granules.

Checking the oven through the glass, the batter was rising nicely, and the sausages were browning off.

Poking my knife into the potatoes they were still a bit hard, so I increased the heat on the hob slightly and popped the lid on.

My hips were sashaying to my earphones, talk dirty to me – Jason Derulo was blasting. I was miming, while trying my best to dance seductively. Flicking my eyes to look at the time, Killian should be walking through the door in the next fifteen. Making sure everything was okay, I quickly ran upstairs to use the loo. Stopping to look in the mirror, I smiled. I looked different, but in the best way. I had a slight glow to my skin that I hadn’t seen in a long while. My eyes scanned my outfit, I should really change but I was comfortable in my short cotton shorts and one of Killian’s tees that I had nabbed out of the laundry. It was clean, but I could still smell the hint of his scent on it.

My golden hair was pulled into a messy bun with a few loose strands. I felt like me, this was me. Finally pulling myself away, I used the loo, washed my hands then headed back downstairs.

Draining the potatoes, I added milk, salt, pepper and a knob of butter before I mashed them. The toad in the hole was cooling on the rack of the hob and the greens were buttered and plated up.

Scooping two huge mounds of mash next to the veggies because I don’t know how to make a reasonable amount of mash, I then cut into the toad in the hole, the batter golden cracking as I slice through. My stomach grumbled. I was famished.

I plugged the kettle in that Killian bought and filled it up with water before flicking it on and letting it boil. I poured an unhealthy amount of gravy granules into the bottom of a mixing jug because I liked my gravy thick. Once the kettle was boiled, I mixed the water with the granules to make the right consistency before pouring it over my plate. I didn’t want to do Killian’s as I didn’t know if he would actually like it or not. Walking over to the large dining table, I placed the plates down then went back for the gravy and cutlery.

I heard the door click before watching the round doorknob twist.

“Baby, I’m here,” he calls, his smile lighting up the room before stilling and seeing me sitting at the table. He has done the baby I’m here since I have lived with him, it started as an annoyance, where now I adore it. I would definitely miss it once I move out.

“Hey,” I hold my hand up to wave as he drops his briefcase on the floor by the side table, then pushes the door shut.

“Smells amazing,” he says as he steps towards me and takes a seat, “what is it?” he laughs.

“Toad in the hole,” I look down at my homemade dinner then back up at him.

“Toad in the hole?” he repeats, a little confused.

“Mmhmm, it’s basically sausage in batter… not quite sure where it comes from… well I could google it but yano…” I shrugged, picking up my knife and fork.

“I was going to get changed but decided against it. I can’t wait to taste this sausage in the hole.”

I rolled my eyes. “Toad in the hole,” I giggled.

“Oh, shit yeah, toad.” He laughed with me as he picked his knife and fork up.

“Do you not want gravy?” I asked, my hands hovering over my full plate.

“Do I want gravy…?” he asked me.

I nodded, “You can’t have toad in the hole without gravy…”

“Okay, yes please, may I have some gravy, wife.” My smile fell for a moment as I reached for the jug before I plastered it back on and covered his food. As much as we were an accident, a mistake, I couldn’t deny the pain that crushed through me, the wave of emotion that crashed over me at the thought of us not being together anymore.

Even if it was just pretend.

“There you go, husband. Bon appetite.”