Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

It had been a week since thanksgiving, Connie was none the wiser that her father popped over that evening. And she was never to know. I felt like all these secrets were building up around me, each one a heavy weight on my shoulders.

I felt like shit, I didn’t want to see Killian. I had blocked his number after the numerous messages from him.

He wanted me to act like a brat? Well, here she comes.

Walking into the office, I held my head high. He had been here every day. Seeing Adele and then hanging around my desk. I didn’t have anything to say to him. I needed to shut this down, I could feel myself falling for a man I don’t even want.

I had my plan and I needed to stick to it.

Find my feet at work, continue to save and when I deem the time is right, find a sperm donor. Oh, and get my marriage annulled.

I wanted to approach Connie and talk to her about it, and maybe if she doesn’t mind, sit down with her both her mums to ask what clinic they used. I knew this is what I wanted; I just didn’t want a six-foot-six hunk of a man in tow.

I had to cut ties. Our annulment is this week, and seeing Killian is only going to burn the bridges and put us at a risk of a divorce. Here is hoping he will keep his lips sealed. For both of our sakes.

Sitting at my desk, I lost myself in my work. Harlen was moving over at the end of November to work with us here at Lordes PR and I was so excited. There was a certain buzz in the air around him. It was good. It was going to be amazing for Lordes. Blowing out my cheeks, I waited for my email to load up. The only way I was prepared to talk to Killian was through my emails.

Petty? Absolutely.

I saw Killian’s name at the top, my heart falling from my chest for a moment. I swallowed hard, hovering my mouse over his name.

Reese,

Just wanted to confirm our appointment for Friday, I will collect you and we will ride together.

Regards,

Killian Hayes

No way was we riding together.

Clicking my fingers out, I began typing a reply.

Killian,

I don’t think it is wise for us to ride together, do you?

Let’s just meet at the courthouse.

My papers are signed, make sure yours are too Killian.

Regards,

Reese

Closing my emails down, I lost myself in my work. I needed a clear head, and Killian certainly didn’t help with that.

I decided to take an extended lunch with Julianne, I wanted to be out of the office when Killian arrived for his weekly two-hour meeting with Adele. No doubt probably getting his dick sucked.

I shuddered at the thought. I hated the thought of him being with her, but I needed to get used to it. Because as of Friday, he was nothing more to me than my best friend’s dad.

By the time I got home, it was dark outside. I worked a little later as there were a few things that needed tying up that Adele just couldn’t wait till the morning for. I felt exhausted.

I skipped dinner, got undressed and climbed under the covers before reaching for my diary. It had been too long.

Dear Diary,

Today was another hellish day. What with avoiding Killian and having to deal with Adele… it’s got to be worth it right?

I feel like as each day is passing, I’m losing a little more of Elijah and it hurts me. I know I have to move on, it’s part of life. And yes, being with Killian helped me feel again, but it also made me feel like dirt. How could I do this to Elijah? Does this make me a terrible person?

Inhaling, I rub my chest with my palm, the ache in my heart presenting itself.

I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know the direction I am meant to be heading. I have wanted this job for so long, and yet now I have it, I don’t feel content like I thought I would.

I’m sorry for the heavy offload, it’s just I have no one else to talk to. Sure, I have Connie and Julianne, but Connie is Killian’s daughter, and Julianne works with me so knows Killian. I can’t go spilling the tea on him to either of them. Then what with being married to him as well, it’s a hefty weight to carry around with me.

But Diary, there is a silver lining.

Come Friday it’ll be over. I will be free to go back to my life plan without him being in the way.

Little steps.

One step closer.

Everything will be okay.

I smile to myself as I close my brown leather diary and stash it in my bedside unit.

My eyes were pinned to the ceiling, I was exhausted, but I couldn’t seem to sleep. Was there a small part of me that wanted to be with Killian? Absolutely.

But we couldn’t. We would never work. We were too volatile.

My phone pinged, sighing I reached across and picked it up. Smiling, I saw it was Connie.

Connie: Bitch tits, my dad said he has been trying to get hold of you for days. Here is his number in case you need it. Knowing him, he probably took a digit down wrong.

Contact: Sperm Donor.

Rolling my eyes, I shook my head to myself.

Me: I’ll sort it.

I wasn’t going to unblock him; I had no need to. He can email me, and I’ll pick it up at work tomorrow.