City of Boneheads: A Parody of City of Bones (The Mortal Instruments Book 1)

“They’re not bad guys, for dudes with their mouths sewn shut,” said Clary, as she and Jace walked out of the cemetery.

“Well I’m glad my mouth isn’t sewn shut, ‘cause I’m starving,” said Jace. “How ’bout a trip to the best restaurant in New York?”

 “Can’t turn that offer down!” she said. “Well, unless you’re not paying.”

 “I’ll tell the others,” said Jace, and pulled out his cracked flip phone and dialed the Institute.

 “Hey Hodge, could you tell Alec and Izzy that we’re hitting Taki’s for lunch?…Yeah, I know you want to come, but there’s the curse, remember?…Fine, I’ll bring you some chicken fingers. Bye.”

Jace and Clary walked a few blocks to a run-down restaurant with a battered neon sign that said Taki’s. They sat down at a table and were soon joined by Alec and Isabelle. Clary picked up a menu, and was shocked to see the items. Fried mouse tails? Toasted bat sandwich? Skunk blood?

“Is this like a special restaurant for Shadowhunters?” said Clary.

“No, it’s Jamaican food,” said Alec.

“We saved the owner from a vampire once so he lets us eat here for free,” said Jace. “Why do you think we call it the best restaurant in New York?”

“Do you think the owner will ever figure out that one of us was pretending to be the vampire?” said Alec.

“Shhhh, he’s right over there!” said Jace.

“So, how’d the trip to the Silent Brothers go?” said Isabelle.

“The only new thing Clary remembered is that she can’t remember anything because her memory’s been blocked by this dude named Magnus Bane,” said Jace.

“Magnus Bane, I know that name,” said Isabelle.

“From watching porn?” said Jace.

“No, from the e-vitation I got forwarded today,” said Isabelle. “Check it out.”

Isabelle pulled out her phone and showed everyone an e-vitation for a party that night at Magnus Bane’s apartment.

“So should we go?” said Alec.

“I dunno,” said Jace. “I mean, how good could it be if he’s using e-vitations?”

“Good point,” said Isabelle. “What was I thinking? De-lete!” But just before she hit the delete button, Jace cried “Wait!” and grabbed the phone.

 “Never reject a party without checking the invite list first,” said Jace. He clicked on the invite list link. “See look, there’s way more chicks than dudes. Promising. So we’ll go there early, and if it’s lame we’ll grab some girls and take them somewhere else.”

“Do you think we can talk to Magnus Bane about my memory?” said Clary.

Jace sighed. “As long as we do it right when we get there,” he said. “’Cause if it sucks I am so bailing.”

After lunch they headed back to the Institute, and Jace, Alec, and Isabelle immediately started pregaming, even though it was only 2pm.

“Clary, you want in on flip cup?” said Isabelle, filling up a line of red plastic cups.

“No thanks, I’m a little worn out from the Silent Brothers,” said Clary. “I think I’ll take a nap before the party.”

“Laaaame,” said Alec.

“Wahhhhh, my head hurts ’cause someone was poking around in my memories,” said Isabelle.

“Dude, at least do a couple of jello shots with us,” said Jace.

She did, just to get them off her back. Then she went to her room and crawled into bed.

But she couldn’t sleep, because every thirty seconds there was a loud shout of “Ohhhhh!!!!” from the flip cup game. Clary decided to see if she could find somewhere more quiet. She headed down the hall, and while she was walking a photo on the wall caught her eye. It was an old photo of a group of Shadowhunters. After staring at it for a moment, Clary realized that one of the Shadowhunters was her mom, and another was Luke. Clary then noticed that one of the Shadowhunters had Hodge’s head, but it had clearly been Photoshopped in.

“Ah, the glory days.”

Clary turned around to see Hodge standing behind her. “What fun we had! I wish I could remember it, but they tell me the curse took away all my memories of being a Shadowhunter.”

“How sad,” said Clary. “Hey, is there a couch around here somewhere quiet? I really need to take a nap before we go out.”

“Oooo, what are you kids up to tonight?” said Hodge.

“Some party Isabelle got an e-vitation to.”

“Oh, I guess it won’t be that good then,” said Hodge. “But hey, if you meet any girls and they’re looking for a place to post-party, my library is always open! No dudes, though. Unless the dude’s a friend of girls and they can’t come unless he does ‘cause they all took one car.”

“I’ll try,” said Clary. “So, about that couch…”

“Couch, shmouch,” said Hodge. “Just go back to your room and I’ll tell Sigma Chi they need to go to the basement.”

“Thanks, Hodge.”

“Thank me later by bringing back some chicks,” he said, and walked away.