CHAOS (Beneath The Secrets Book 1)

Song- I Get To Love You, Ruelle

For the first time all morning, I finally have some time to myself. Nikolai and Alexei have gone to greet my New York family. All of them have flown in for our wedding. I took Sofia and Maeve to visit the crazy bunch last month. I’ve missed them. It was nice to get back in the ring at King’s Gym. Now I have my boxing license back. Grayson and Keller are working on a plan to get me my title back.

Finally, everything seems to piece back together.

It’s only a matter of time before I fuck it up again. Things never run this perfectly in my life. It isn’t possible to be this calm.

I step in front of the full-length mirror and run a hand through my curls.

An entire room full of people are waiting for us in the ceremony room downstairs. What if Sofia gets cold feet?

Or, realizes that I’m not enough for her?

Fuck.

Am I even good enough for her?

My mind races, thinking about the night we met when I caught her running from her wedding. How beautiful she looked in her dress, even with black make-up streaming down her cheeks.

I clench my fists, trying to practice those stupid breathing exercises my therapist drills into me. I can’t beat the shit out of anything in Mikhail’s casino penthouse. I shouldn’t need to do that either.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Today of all days, I can feel myself slipping back into that gray place. And, this time, I’m on my own.

A light knock at the door jerks me back to the real world.

It’s funny how fine you can look on the outside when on the inside, you are breaking. No one can see the silent battles. Except for me, I have someone that can.

I don’t want to talk or see anyone right now. I just want Sofia. I want her to hold me and tell me everything is okay.

It’s bad luck to see her before the wedding. I’ve been warned and we sure as hell don’t need anymore of that. We’ve had enough for a lifetime.

But, I need her.

The tapping continues. Reluctantly, I swing open the door and all the air rushes out of my lungs.

My perfect, sweet Sofia is standing there.

Her long red hair is curled and hangs over one shoulder. And, damn, that tight lace, white dress that dips between her breasts certainly has my head spinning, in the best possible way.

I trail my gaze back up, and concern is written all over her face.

“Jax, are you okay?”

As she takes a step forward, I welcome her inside. Her sweet scent invades my nostrils as she brushes past me and spins back to face me.

My breath hitches as she places her palms on my chest and adjusts my navy tie.

“You look absolutely stunning, sweetheart.”

When she blushes, I feel my heart start to race.

“I thought this was bad luck? You’re the one who told me that,” I say with a grin, trying to push down the negative shit swirling through my thoughts.

She shakes her head, her eyes narrowing as she pulls back to study me.

“I was sitting in my room, on my own and a wave of nerves hit me. All I wanted was you, Jax.”

I slide my hands down her soft arms and hold my hands over hers on my chest.

It’s like she is so in tune with me and my emotions. She just knows what I’m thinking.

I love her for it.

“Were you worried about me, baby?”

She nods.

“I know you hate being away from me, Jax. It’s the first night in a long time we’ve been apart. I just wanted to check in, make sure everything was okay. And tell you, I love you and I can’t wait to be Mrs. Carter.”

She looks up at me through her lashes and those doubts from a few minutes ago, they start to fade away. She’s here, telling me exactly what I needed to hear.

She claws me back to her, she is my safety.

“I had visions of you running out on me, or not even turning up. That you realized I was no good.” I have to be honest with her.

“You know that isn’t true, right? I’m not going anywhere. In fact, in a few minutes’ time, I’ll legally be yours. No getting rid of me then.”

She pouts at me, and I chuckle.

“Same goes to you, sweetheart.”I stroke the top of her hand and press a kiss to her temple. She wraps her arms around me and hugs me tight.

And, sometimes that is all you need. Men, like anybody else, sometimes just need to be held tight and told that everything will be okay.

There isn’t a cure for a mind that works against you. There is no magic button to press to make the dark thoughts go away.

I’ll have to battle this every day, probably for the rest of my life.

And I will.

I will continue to fight for us.

For me.

For our daughter.

And most of all, for this beautiful soul in front of me.

I will never stop, and with her by my side, I know I can do it.

She is my strength in this life.

My forever.

Now the good days outweigh the bad.

I have a radiant light in my darkened world.

And in spite of everything, there is always beauty in chaos.