FULL NOVELXO CHAOS: Chapter 69
Song- Lovely, Billie Eilish, Khalid.
His body shakes against mine as he sobs uncontrollably. We become one, sharing the weight of our emotions. I don’t know which of us is holding the other up.
“Don’t leave me, Jax.” I whisper, but he doesn’t respond.
In a desperate attempt to make him listen, I push myself back and firmly hold on to both sides of his face, forcing him to make eye contact with me.
“I love you, Jax. I love you so fucking much. I can’t let you do this to yourself. Please, Jax. Come home, we can have another chance. I forgive you.”
He nods and I wipe away the tears from his cheeks as he rests his forehead against mine.
“I’m so sorry, Sofia.” He whispers.
“Feeling how you are, Jax, is nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry I didn’t see this earlier. I let you down, baby.” I sniffle, bringing my nose to his.
“I will never, ever, do that again, Jax. I promise you. Let me help you? Let me love you?”
I’m desperate. I need some indication he is still with me.
He stays quiet and his jaw clenches and relaxes where it rests against my temple. “I don’t deserve you, sweetheart.”
“You deserve the whole world, Jax. You have so much to live for, so much love to give. I know it might not feel like it now, but it will get better. You’ll get through this and I’ll be by your side every second. I’ll never let you go.”
His head drops slightly as he nods.
“It’s fucking embarrassing, Sof. I’m a man. I should be stronger than this. I shouldn’t feel so weak all the time. I’m supposed to protect you and Maeve, not be like this. You shouldn’t have to watch me crumble apart and put me back together. I’m weak and I don’t know how to make it stop.”
I shake my head and press a soft kiss to his cheek.
“You are not weak, Jax. You are so incredibly brave. You’ve battled this for so long on your own. You put everyone else first before yourself. You’re an amazing man. We can find the best way for you to heal, baby. There is a way through.”
“I don’t feel it,” he whispers.
“I know, baby. I’ll show you. We’ll do this together. Okay?”
“Okay.”
He straightens, and I step back and lace my fingers through his.
“Let me take you home? Tonight, we can just sleep. Tomorrow, we will talk through every hard piece you can offer me. We can rebuild.”
I watch as he swallows nervously and my heart splinters.
It’s going to take a lot more than talking, but it’s a start. I can help him. I can be his safe space. I can bring him home to us.
“Thank you, tigritsa.”
He steps towards me and tips my chin up. There is life in his eyes, love in them.
“I’ve got you, Jax. Always. You are my person in this life, the other half of my soul. I love you for exactly who you are and all of your chaos, no matter what.”
He inhales sharply, pulling me closer in one swift motion.
“I love you, so damn much. I will never stop. I will try to be the man you and Maeve need. I promise I will win you back and I will make you proud. I just don’t know how long that will take or how I’ll get there.”
I shake my head, a small smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. “We can figure all of that out together, Jax. I’ve got you, baby.”
There is a glimmer of hope for us and I’m going to hold onto that as tight as I can.
I will do what it takes for him.