CHAOS (Beneath The Secrets Book 1)

I hear the rumble of Nikolai’s Hellcat and run to the door. Lara, looking concerned, gently takes Maeve from my arms and comforts me with a soothing stroke on my shoulder.

“Be strong for both of them, Sofia.”

The overwhelming need to break down takes over. But, I don’t have time for that. I kick my ass into gear and get in the passenger seat before Nikolai speeds out of the driveway.

“Do you know where he is?” I ask. Blood is pounding in my ears making it hard to concentrate.

His jaw remains tightly clenched as he nods, never once taking his eyes off the road.

“Penthouse in one of my brother’s casinos.”

Why would he?

I cover my face with my hands. He couldn’t do it at home, or at Nikolai’s. Where we could stop him.

“Jax is still in there somewhere, Sofia. We just have to find him and drag him back out.”

“How?”

What do I do to show someone who believes the world would be better without them?

“You do whatever you have to. Anything, Sofia. He won’t be rational right now, he’s in a fucking dark place. When you find something that gets through to him, use it.”

I will do anything for Jax.

As the wipers squeak against the window, I ball my fists, stabbing my nails into my palms. I let Jax down so badly.

“This isn’t your fault, Sofia,” Nikolai says softly, I can hear the guilt he’s feeling in his tone. We all feel it.

Pulling into the parking lot, Nikolai hands me a keycard and I see Jax’s bike. Blind panic starts to set in. What if I’m too late?

He points to the side door. “In there, there is an elevator. It will take you straight into the penthouse.”

I clutch the card in my hands like my life depends on it.

“You wait here.” I rush out the words to Nikolai and throw myself out of the car before he can even come to a complete stop, paying no attention to the relentless rain beating against my body.

Through my teary eyes, I frantically race ahead, my feet carrying me as fast as they can. Why didn’t I see this? How the hell did I miss how depressed he is? Why did I let him get to this point?

I. Should. Have. Known.

As I enter the elevator and hit the penthouse button, a wave of apprehension washes over me. I will give anything for him to still be with us.

Shit, I feel like I’m about to pass out.

The doors slide open and I cautiously step into the room. My cheeks are wet with tears, and I desperately try to stifle my sobs.

Jax is slouched on a barstool with a gun in his grasp resting it on the kitchen counter. He doesn’t even look at me. With each spin of the cylinder, it emits a faint metallic sound, adding to the tension in the air.

“Jax,” I say softly, tiptoeing to him.

With a deliberate pace, he lifts his head. His gaze is seemingly directed towards me, yet somehow elsewhere. It’s like looking at a ghost. His eyes are completely vacant.

“Get out.”

I pause, taken aback by the sharpness in his voice. This isn’t him. This isn’t my Jax.

I shake my head. I have no idea what to do. As my heart races, the sound of my blood pulsating in my ears becomes deafening, and I clutch at my skin, fighting to control the mounting panic. I can’t let him do this. I cannot lose him.

How can I show him just how much I love him, how much I need him, when he can’t see it for himself?

What I do now can change our entire future. I can’t mess this up. I need to do right by him this time, whatever it takes.

He might be breaking. If he is, I have to be our strength to get him through this.

“I can’t let you do this, Jax. I need you to put the gun down.” I stay where I am, keeping my tone firm but soft.

Jax is the strongest man I’ve ever met. Now, I’m watching the man with the brightest smile and the ability to make anyone laugh reach his breaking point. His inner turmoil has been hidden from the world for so long, eating away at him without any of us noticing.

“Let me do this, Sof. I can’t fucking live like this anymore. I need to stop this cycle before I ruin you, too.” His voice breaks as he flips the cylinder open, spins it and snaps it back.

I can feel desperation consuming me, causing my body to shudder with fear. I have to get through to him.

“You will not ruin us, Jax. We need you. We love you. Think about Maeve. Your daughter needs you.” I choke out the last words.

“You don’t mean that. You shouldn’t be here, Sof. Just forget about me, it’s for the best.” His words almost come out a whisper.

“We can’t live without you. I am begging you, Jax. Please don’t leave me.” I take a careful step forward and watch his grip tighten on the pistol. Shit.

“I mean every single word, Jax.” I take another step.

He looks down at his revolver.

“Without you, I’m lost, Jax. I can’t survive the rest of my life without you in it. I love you, Jax.”

“You’re lying. You hate me. I deserve it.”

This time, after he spins the cylinder there is a harsh crack as he shuts it. It feels final.

“I swear on Maeve’s life. I am not lying to you, Jax. Please put it down. We can talk about this.”

“Talk about what? Nothing can fix me! You told me that yourself! I’m broken. I’m already fucking dead inside. I have been for years. What difference does it make? Just leave me alone!”

I flinch as he abruptly stands, throwing his chair to the ground and slamming his free hand down on the counter. Darkness flashes across his eyes. Most wouldn’t even recognize this man, but I see him. My Jax is in there somewhere. I just have to reach him.

“You aren’t broken, Jax. You have been dealt some shitty cards, life beats you down. You just need some help to get back up, baby. I want to help you. Let me help you. You aren’t on your own, Jax. I promise you.”

“Leave, Sofia. I mean it,” he shouts, pointing the weapon at the door.

I shake my head and move closer, realizing what I need to do to try to get through to him.

“You really want to do this Jax? You want to put me and Maeve through the heartache you felt after losing Kai and your father?” My voice raises as I speak. I need to be stronger for him, the only option is us both walking out of here, or neither of us.

His face pales.“Don’t⁠—”

I cut him off.

This is the only way, with my own pain. I need to show him how much we need him. How much worth his life has.

Nikolai told me to do anything to bring him back.

“How do you think we will cope? By me losing my soulmate? Maeve losing her daddy before she even really got to know him?” I pause, waiting for his reaction.

Nothing.

“What do you think Kai would say about you abandoning your family?” I shout, throwing my arms in the air out of pure desperation.

I stop at the other side of the counter. He’s silent, just blinking at me. I know my words are harsh, but I have to be.

“Answer me, Jax. You think this will take away our pain? It won’t. It will kill us all.”

He stares at me with bloodshot eyes.“I-It won’t. I’m doing you a favor.”

My hands violently shake. I can’t tear my gaze away from the gun. But, that doubt I just heard in his voice gives me hope.

“No. Jax. If you leave us, you will take me with you.”

Glancing over, I notice the assortment of kitchen knives tucked against the cupboard. With shaky hands, I choose one and grip it firmly, extending my palm towards him.

“Sofia, don’t,” he warns.

As I run the tip across my palm, I feel a sharp sting and brace myself. The physical cut is insignificant compared to the agony I’m sure he is feeling.

I flinch as lightning strikes outside, illuminating the skies.

“This. This is what you will be leaving me with. Complete fucking misery, Jax. Every single day without you will be torture. I can’t do it. I can’t do this without you.”

I remain fixed on him as I swiftly drag the blade from one side to the other. The tremble in his hand intensifies, transforming into a noticeable shake. We lock eyes, it’s working.

So I start another line just below.

“Look at me, Jax. Do you believe me now? I fucking love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I need you, we all need you. Listen to me. We can get through this. We can get you help. I can show you your life is worth living.”

I’m on the verge of hysteria with my heart pounding in my chest. I saw a flicker of something behind his eyes, I can’t stop.

“Is this what you wanted? To hurt us? You want to kill us all? Fine,” I say as calmly as I can. He needs to believe I am completely certain in my decision as I raise the knife to my own throat.

I don’t care what it takes. I won’t let him leave us. I’ll hurt myself to save him from himself. That is how much I love this man. I need him to understand he is the center of my world.

I owe him this. For missing the signs. I let him down, but that will never happen again.

“If you go, I go.”

I will not fail him.