CHAOS (Beneath The Secrets Book 1)

Song- When The Party’s Over- from the room below, Sleep Token.

Alexei is late.

He and Nikolai have been taking turns bringing me back and forth to work since Jax left. They said it’s safer for me than going alone.

It’s like they aren’t telling me something, but I haven’t figured it out yet.

When he does knock on the door, it’s nearly ten minutes later than normal.

“Alexei! Oh my god! What happened?” He has a bruise on his cheek that’s slowly giving him a black eye.

He waves his hand nonchalantly. “It is nothing. Kids these days like to play rough.” He scoops up Maeve’s car seat and heads towards the back of his car.

“Were you in a fight?” I ask as I follow him out with Maeve in my arms.

He stops and stands, his hair flopping over his eyes as he scratches the tattoos behind his ear. “No, no. It was a donkey.” He grins wide enough to showcase his silver tooth, then lifts Maeve out of my grasp to settle her in her seat.

Alexei’s Russian to English isn’t always very solid, so I let it go.

He pulls up in front of the clinic and lets me out.

“Bye, baby girl. Remember, when Mommy gets home, you get to see Daddy, too.” I give Maeve a kiss on the top of her head before I leave.

She’s been staying with Lara during the days. It’s sure nice to have someone I can trust watching her.

I haven’t heard from Anna for a while. She made it clear last time I talked to her that we aren’t on the best of terms though.

As the day progresses, I can’t tell if it’s nerves or dread making my stomach turn.

The girls I work with seem to notice, and make me promise that I’ll take a night out with them later this week.

“Hello, lady.” Alexei’s eye looks slightly better than it did this morning with tinges of yellow around the edges of the purple.

My stomach flip flops knowing Jax will be at the house. But, as we pull in the driveway, disappointment tinges the nerves when I don’t see his bike or Lambo parked in front.

“Where is he?” I almost half say to myself.

Alexei squints. “Niki will bring him soon. Jax is too wobbly.”

I swear I only understand half of what he says sometimes. “Okay. Thank you for picking me up. Please let Lara know I appreciate her watching Maeve.”

My sweet little girl gives me the grabby hands as I pull her and the car seat out.

Every day it’s a different vehicle. I wish I knew how long this musical chairs motorcade was going to last.

They all keep giving me vague answers about the Reapers.

I think it still has something to do with Brody after the fight.

Maeve is just settling into her highchair for a snack when I hear the unmistakable rumble of Nikolai’s Hellcat pull in.

When the knock comes, I don’t know if I want to answer it. It’s so hard seeing Jax.

But, I also won’t deny him his daughter, no matter how heartbreaking it is.

As the door opens, I’m left speechless.

“Hiya, Sof. Sorry I’m late.” His words are slurred coming out of his swollen mouth.

He looks like he’s been hit by a truck. The entire side of his face is purple, and I can’t even see one of his eyes.

“What the hell, Jax?” Instinct has me reaching forward and almost touching his cheek when I pause.

No. It isn’t my place anymore. Curling my fingers until my nails dig into my palm, I let it fall to my side.

He limps as he steps past me, with one arm firmly wrapped around his ribs.

My chest hurts looking at him. “What happened?” Following him into the kitchen, I feel like grabbing him and spinning him around to make him answer me. I know it won’t do any good.

“Just work.” He starts to squat in front of a wide-eyed Maeve, but stops with a grimace.

She watches him warily like she doesn’t recognize him.

“Hi, baby girl. I think you’ve grown since the last time I saw you.” He brushes one of her curly locks away from her temple, making her smile.

“Dadda.” Her hands raise, begging him to pick her up.

He groans as he picks her up, then gingerly steps over the couch while talking to her.

Their curly heads touch at the forehead and it makes me nearly cry.

His face relaxes as he tucks her under his neck and holds her tightly.

She stuffs her thumb in her mouth and settles against him, closing her eyes with a look of absolute bliss.

Why did he have to ruin this? He could always have these moments.

My throat chokes up watching them.

I hate that he did this to us.

Wanting to hold him, both of them, brings stinging tears and a knot in my throat that I can’t swallow.

When the sob escapes, he looks over and his brow furrows.

I can’t handle this. He needs time with her and seeing them together is just too agonizing.

Turning, I run up the stairs and collapse into the bed as shuddering cries fall out of me. Why, even after the damage he caused, do I still miss him so damn bad? That all I can think about is running back down there and covering him with kisses and begging him to stay?

My pillow is covered in mascara and my nose is runny when I hear a soft tapping on the bedroom door.

“Sofia? Are you okay?” He’s silhouetted against the hall light, and his arms are empty.

Have I been crying all the way to her bedtime?

“No, Jax. I’m not. I hate this,” I sniffle.

I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t have this ache inside of me. It’s like my entire world has crashed and I’m stuck in a loop of reliving this agony over and over.

“Please, Sof. Don’t cry over me.” His shoulders slump against the pale glow. “I’m not worth it.”

“I just, I don’t know what to say, Jax. Seeing you with her, it just hurts.” Falling back against the comforter, fresh tears dampen the soaked blanket. How do I tell him I just want it to go back to the way it was?

Can we pretend it never happened?

He sighs and rests his head against the frame. “I wish I could fix this. I hate it, too.”

Wanting a hug from him, to feel comforted and safe, is all I can think about.

But, I can’t. He took that choice away from me.

“Are you, um. Fuck, I don’t even know how to ask.” Burying my face in my palms, I struggle to regroup what I was going to say.

“Sof… you can ask me anything,” he says softly. He sounds just as broken as I am.

“Are you still, um, with her?” I choke out.

“What? Fuck no. I don’t even know who she is. I swear.” His fist taps against his thigh, almost like he’s beating himself up. “I messed this all up for nothing. I’m sorry.”

When he grabs the door and pulls it around, I want to scream at him to come back. To hold me. To tell me this is all some nasty prank that will be over.

Why can’t it be a joke? Fake?

So we can go back to how we were?

The air changes as he leaves. My phone dings with the motion detection, but I don’t check it.

I know he’s gone.