BOONE - Part 1 of the HMB Doggie Series

CHAPTER 17

A week has gone by since my Sunday morning with John. He’s kept all phone calls and emails professional to which I’m grateful for. And also annoyed.

My mind is a whirlpool of thoughts and my heart an even bigger whirlpool of emotions. And, unfortunately, I’ve had no outstanding insights as to what all those emotions mean. And Eric is being even less of a help. No dreams. No manifestations. No manipulations. No windows opening.

I never even considered John in any light other then Agent. But now…I’ve spent the entire week thinking about him. I’ve ran more sprints, written more words and gone on more walks with Boone to try and clear my head of him, but nothing seems to work.

It’s annoying the crap out of me.

It’s Sunday evening and I’m sitting by the fire with a glass of wine and Boone snuggled up at my feet. And yes, I’m thinking about John. I’m thinking about last week and how his touch was so gentle, so…un-John-like. I’m thinking about when we had dinner with Matt and Alok and that look he gave me as I walked up to greet them. I didn’t notice at the time, but that was a look of longing. It was just a flicker, but it was there. I’m thinking about what Boone said to me the night John stayed here: “He needs dog…and you.” I’m thinking about the night he came over and mumbled something that he wouldn’t tell me. Could it have been something about him wanting more?

I just don’t know.

And now, since I blatantly lied to him last week, he’s being all Big John again.

It took me all week to finally admit this to myself but the truth is, I do miss having a man in my life. Sure, I can get by on my own and Lord knows Boone has been the savior I needed. But I do want something more.

But is it John that I want?

Do I have to decide right now?

GAH! I leap off the couch and start pacing, feeling so frustrated with myself I could give myself an atomic wedgie.

I’m walking the length of the living room when out of nowhere the front door unlocks with a soft click. I stop mid-step, watching and waiting for someone to enter my house so I can scream my frustrations at them. It eases open soundlessly. Boone is now standing on the couch, watching the door with a small smile on his face. No one comes in. In fact, the porch is completely empty.

I feel the tingles before my head registers what they mean. Eric is manipulating right in front of me. He’s never done this before. It’s always when I’m in another room or sleeping. I’m so shocked you could throw a knife at me and I wouldn’t flinch.

Then, as if a giant wind comes blowing through the house, the door slams shut. The finality of it’s bang jars my body all the way down to the bones. A postcard slips through the mail slot and lands face down on the ground. I walk over with relatively steady legs and pick it. It’s not a postcard though. It’s a picture. It’s the picture of me and Eric at Disneyland. My hands start to shake and my vision blurs with tears.

A small breath of air passes around me and I watch with watery eyes as the window next to the door whispers opens, allowing my curtains to once again dance like filmy ghosts. Boone is now looking at the window, tongue out and tail wagging. A piece of paper blows in through the window and flutters down to rest at my feet. The mother-fucking picture of me, Boone and John.

And then it clicks. I go from totally clueless and confused to seeing perfectly clear.

“When a door closes God opens a window.” I whisper.

Boone looks over at me, “Yes!”

I thought it was jealousy that made Eric manipulate those pictures, but I was wrong. He was trying to tell me to move on. What was that…ten months after he passed away? Yes, because that was right about the time we cut the deal with Starlight. It was also about the time that I started feeling like me again.

I sink down to my knees and let the tears fall.

If anyone ever said moving on is easy they should get kicked in the shins. It takes me thirty minutes to get the words out and even then I have to struggle.

“I…I think I can…move on now…Eric.” I’m sobbing like a toddler. “Please, God, know that I love you!” It bursts out of me with such ferocity I startle myself. Because it’s true. I will never stop loving Eric and whoever I move onto next is going to have to deal with that.

I feel a furry body come and snuggle against my side. Boone, my savior. He sits with me for another thirty minutes as I let all the tears fall. He occasionally licks a few away, but mostly he just leans into me, letting me know that he’s there.

He helps me to my feet when he senses the worst is over. I still have the pictures in my hand and go to put them back in their frames. Except the pictures are already in their frames.

My foggy brain puts it together eventually.

“It’s the doubles we keep in our desk,” I smile down at them, “And so they shall return.”