Becoming Honey

Amber and Tituba arrived in Hyde Park amidst a mass of swirling lights and air that crackled with electrical energy. Even though she was growing quite accustomed to a wide variety of modes of travel, Amber was still quite surprised that she did not feel even the slightest bit queasy at having been magickally transported from some hitherto unknown demon dimension, back to 1868 London.

“Shit!” she cried, looking up at the night sky and the flares from Orca’s engines as the vessel approached the troposphere. “That’s our ride, we need to be on that ship!”

“That one there?” Tituba asked, pointing towards Orca with a smile.

“Do you see any other?”

“Ah, it’s no problem but I should ask, do we like the people on board, or not?”

“Yes, we do,” Amber replied. Something about Tituba’s voice calmed her, even when she was approaching her most agitated.

“In that case, a little Magick ought to do the trick.” With a wink in Amber’s general direction she waved her right hand vaguely towards Orca and then... then... Well, Amber was not entirely sure how to describe what happened next. It was as though Orca was still travelling up, up and away, only now she was doing so towards them.

“A simple inversion,” Tituba explained, quite obviously sensing that Amber was trying to work out exactly what she had done, and how Orca was now making her way towards them. The witch waited until the vessel was but mere inches from the ground before she waved her hand again, very much in the same, vague manner. “And now everything is as it should be once again.”

Seconds later Dan emerged from Orca’s entrance, his face wearing much the same look of confusion that had adorned Amber’s face moments before.

“Found yourself a witch then, eh?” he said with a chuckle when he noticed that Amber was not alone. “Come on then you two, we’ve got a damn planet to go save.”

“Dan, Tituba,” said Amber as she and the witch climbed the steps that allowed access to the vessel. “Tituba, Dan... Don’t mind him, he just takes a bit of getting used to.”

“I imagine I’ve met plenty worse,” said the witch, extending her hand. Dan took it in his own and shook it. “Besides, he’s not too bad to look at.”

“Well I thank you kindly but if you wanna’ blow me you’re gonna’ have to get in line.”

“Told you,” Amber muttered, rolling her eyes. “Orca, fancy getting us back to 2014?”

“With pleasure, Amber,” the vessel replied. “I’m happy to see you made it back in one piece.”

“You and me both, believe me,” she replied as they headed towards the bridge. Lara was there waiting and as soon as Amber entered she rushed over and embraced the woman, giving her derrière a squeeze for good measure.

“So where did Ashleigh send you, anyway?” Dan asked as he took his usual seat at the centre of the bridge, putting a match to a cigarette as he eased his body into the comfortable leather. “Who’d you fight?”

“Lilith,” Amber replied.

“Never had the pleasure,” he said. “Any issues?”

“As easy as killing demons in a demon dimension.”

“Good girl, spoken like a true Hardcore Honey,” he replied with a smirk. “Right then, Orca, we gonna’ make a jump any time soon?”

No sooner had he asked the question did Orca engage her Drive and the vessel flashed temporarily out of existence, only to reappear less than a second later in a low Earth orbit.

“Take that as a ‘yes’ then, shall I? We still got The Black out there?”

“Yes Sir, we have.”

“Figures... Thought we mighta’ got lucky.”

“You’re never that lucky, Sir.”

“Well aye, ain’t that the truth. Anyways, guess we’d best put a call through to your mate Ryan, eh?”

“I’m already on it,” Amber replied as her fingers danced over the console beside her. “Ryan, you had chance to go for that piss yet?”

“No, but I did manage to swig a mouthful of warm coffee,” the reply came back over the radio. “Are you back already or are you just trying to be funny?”

“We’re back all right,” she replied. “Even snagged ourselves a witch.”

“Glad to hear it. Can she do what Dan needs her to do?”

“She’s not been briefed yet but from what I’ve already witnessed of her power, I’d say that The Black doesn’t stand much of a chance.”

“I don’t mean to interrupt, Sir,” said Orca, interrupting, “but there appears to be a small demon incursion on Earth, just outside Dunnottar Castle. There’s also more Rah’k down on the surface of that planet than is healthy to the human residents.”

“Go!” said Tituba, sharply. “I know The Black well, we go way back, assuming we’re talking about the same primordial darkness?”

“Aye, the one and the same,” Dan replied.

“In which case I shall deal with it from here,” she continued. “I trust your vessel can offer some protection as I prepare to do battle, whilst you three warriors engage those with nefarious intentions in open combat?”

“Got a way with words, don’t she?” Dan said with a nod in Tituba’s direction and an accompanying chuckle. “Right you are, lass. Orca, be a darling and take care of our guest, eh? I’m fairly certain the fate of the Universe is in her hands ’cos if The Black manages to feast on seven billion souls, it’ll get strong as fuck.”

“No pressure then?” Tituba asked with a laugh. “Now go, before I Magick y’all down there myself.”

“Right you are,” he said as a temporal fold opened before him. “Ladies first.”

“We’re coming to you, Ryan!” Amber yelled over the still active connection. “For fuck’s sake don’t let anyone attempt to fight those demons!”

With that said, she and Lara leapt through the doorway through Time and Space, rolling out the other side to find that they were facing a group of five demons, all of whom had fireballs primed. Several seconds later Dan emerged from the fold, complete with weapons, and he rolled to his feet as the doorway snapped shut behind him.

“What?” he asked, his eyes coming to rest upon the demons. Apparently, they had been waiting to see who else came through the temporal fold before they attacked because the moment it closed, fireballs flew through the air.

“Sorry for the delay, I had to make a stop off at the armoury.” Quick as a cat he stepped in front of the two women, drawing a sword as he did so, with which he blocked and redirected each of the flung balls of fire.

“Help yourself, ladies,” he said, looking over his shoulder. “I brought toys for all.”

Amber and Lara reached forwards and grabbed the two swords that remained sheathed.

“Beheading works,” he muttered, blocking a fireball that was most definitely intended for his head. “Or...”

“Or this works, too,” said Amber, leaping into the air and performing a spinning kick which resulted in the fireball travelling back towards the demon who had thrown it, only with twice the velocity. It did not have time to get out of the way before its own fireball hit it full in the face and it exploded in a cloud of smoke and dust.

“Yeah, yeah, or that works too,” said Dan with a chuckle. “Fuckin’ show off.”

“Dunno’ what you mean, I’m sure,” she replied. “Now why don’t you and Lara deal with the two on the right and I’ll take care of ugly and uglier here?”

Without waiting for a response of any kind, Amber barrel-rolled through the air towards the two demons as their repeated attempts to hit her with their balls of fire resulted in failure. She landed upon her feet and ran the rest of the way, blocking fireballs both left and right as she charged. The demons were helpless as she flung her sword up into the air and managed to get herself between them. Once there, she landed blow after blow with both her hands and her feet and without even looking, she reached up and plucked her sword from the air before decapitating them in a smooth, single motion.

She turned, just in time to see Dan open a temporal fold and send a fireball through it then seconds later open another fold behind the demon who had fired it. The resulting explosion was just as Amber expected.

That left a lone demon and Amber did consider going to Lara’s aid, but the redhead seemed quite content, more than capable of dealing with it on her own, a fact emphasised as she hacked both its legs off at the waist and as it dropped to the ground in obvious pain, she put it out of its misery by way of a considered decapitation.

“Well, there ain’t nothin’ like a spot of demon killing to get the old blood pumping, eh?”

“I gotta’ admit that was a lot of fun,” said Lara in total agreement.

“Well the way I see it there’s no time to rest on our laurels,” said Amber. “Didn’t Orca say something about there being a fair few Rah’k down here?”

“Yeah, I figure a handful managed to get themselves into escape pods before their ships blew,” Dan replied. “We’ll get Ryan to patch us through to her, see if she can’t give us a location or two.”

“No need,” replied Amber. “I know where there is at least one Rah’k.”

“And where there’s one there’s more,” said Dan. “Bastards prefer to run in packs. Where to?”

***

Amber, Lara and Dan rolled out of the temporal fold onto the concrete car-park of the small industrial park in Alston. The hour was approaching two in the afternoon and the Sun was high in the sky, beating down with ferocity.

“In there,” said Amber, cricking her neck as she pointed towards the ‘L’ shaped building at the far end of the car park. “I saw it in there when I rescued Ryan from the Amazons.”

“Amazons, eh? I know a couple of those girls, rather nice if you know what I mean.”

“Maybe where you’re from they are, but here, they’re evil bitches.”

“Shame,” he replied with a shrug. “There’s always wee differences between realities though, so I figure that’s one of the differences between this one and my own.”

“Yeah, well to make things worse, the Amazons seem to have some kind of alliance with the Rah’k.”

“No accounting for taste, I s’pose.”

“There,” said Lara, pointing towards the roof of the building as they approached. “I count three, no four Rah’k up there.”

“Four up there means there’s probably more inside,” said Dan. “Does it look to you girls as though they’re standing guard?”

“Yeah, it does,” Amber replied. “What’re they protecting?”

“Could be that there’s a vending machine inside that’s got ketchup flavoured crisps, or more likely we got ourselves a Rah’k Juh.”

“A Queen?”

“Aye, a Queen... Fuck, now I’m hungry.” As if to emphasise his hunger the man’s stomach grumbled. “Those bastards had better hope there’s a fuckin’ vending machine in there an’ if it’s outta’ ketchup flavoured crisps, I ain’t gonna’ be happy.”

“What’s the difference between a Juh and a normal Rah’k?” Amber asked, ignoring Dan’s moaning. “I mean, what makes a Queen a Queen?”

“Size is all, for the most part. Queens are fuckin’ huge,” he replied. “That, and they’re the ones who sometimes manage to twist whatever passes for their vocal chords around the English language.”

He stopped in his tracks, causing both Amber and Lara to almost walk straight into the back of him.

“D’you mind? Tryin’ to light a fag, here.”

“What else can you tell me about the Queen?” Amber asked, once again ignoring Dan’s bitching.

“Not much,” he replied with an irritated shrug. “Never managed to kill one myself but rumour has it that if you manage to do that, any Rah’k to whom she’s Juh die pretty much instantly.”

“Is that right?” Amber asked with a grin. “How many Queens do you think will have been with that fleet?”

“Just the one. Kinda’ makes sense that if there were any pods launched, she’d have been on the first one down,” Dan replied as it dawned on him exactly where Amber was going. “You manage to kill her, then all we’re gonna’ have to do is clean up the mess. ’Course if she manages to kill you, I’ll probably have to introduce her to Betty. Then again, that’s assuming that those Rah’k up there are guarding a Juh and not a vending machine that contains ketchup flavoured crisps.”

“You think with your stomach often?” Lara asked with a laugh.

“Aye, it’s that or my cock,” he replied. “Anyways, me an’ the redhead here will keep them there guards busy whilst you go see if we’ve got ourselves a Juh.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Amber replied, breaking into a run towards the doors.

“And if they’ve got any ketchup flavoured crisps in there...”

“Yeah, yeah,” Amber replied, the shout over her shoulder interrupting Dan’s shout. “I’m on it.”

As she shoulder-barged her way through the doors, Amber found herself face to face with a pair of Amazons, both larger – in every single way – than any she had encountered before. Both stared at her with swords drawn, and up on the wall behind them was the largest Rah’k she had ever seen.

“So there is a Juh in here then, eh?” she said, completely ignoring the fact that the two blondes were approaching her. “Damn, it seems the bigger they are the uglier they get.”

“If you want the Juh, you will have to go through us,” one of the Amazons said, in what she probably thought was a menacing tone but Amber could not help but chuckle.

“No worries,” she replied. “Tell you what, I’ll even make it a fair fight. Which one of you wants this sword?”

The blondes halted their forward motion for a second, temporarily thrown, and Amber used that to her advantage. Jumping into the air from her standing position, she kicked both women in a place that would have crippled a man for hours and as they doubled over in pain, she dropped her sword to the marble floor where it landed with a clatter, and wrapped an arm around the two heads that were presented to her in unison.

“Bitch! I can’t believe you kicked us both in the c...”

With a violent twitch of her arms, Amber snapped the Amazon’s necks and released her hold, allowing their bodies to fall to the floor.

“That’s for almost saying cunt,” she said with a chuckle, crouching to retrieve her katana. “This is a fucking family show, you foul-mouthed bitches.”

She glanced up in time to see the Juh detach herself from the wall and drop to the floor with a sound that was something between a squelch and a thud.

“Hew... Man...” She scuttled across the marble at speed, her arachnid-like legs making her sound as though she was performing a seriously messed up version of Riverdance.

“Wrong,” said Amber, her feet planted firmly to the floor, despite the fact it would not be at all long before she was well within reach of the Rah’k Juh’s flailing tentacles.

“Hew... Man...” Again, the Juh managed to wrap her voice around the word and as she reached out with her tentacles, rather than take a step back Amber moved forwards at speed, delivering a punch so powerful that her fist went straight through the creature’s inordinately strong shell. The Juh froze as Amber’s hand groped around inside her, the girl doing her best not to vomit as the smell was quite pungent.

“Hew... Man...” This time the Juh sounded to Amber as though she was panicking. Clearly she was not used to such treatment but Amber cared little for the alien creature’s feelings, for she had found what she was searching for and she took hold of the beating heart, and squeezed.

“Hew...”

“Already told you, you’re wrong,” Amber said through gritted teeth as she squeezed even harder and yanked the Juh’s still-beating heart from the hole her fist had created in her shell. The Rah’k Juh teetered for the briefest of moments before she fell heavily to the side.

“The name’s Honey, bitch,” she said with a chuckle as she kicked the dead creature with such force that the alien corpse slid for several feet over the marble floor.

She turned away, and as she stepped over the pair of dead Amazons she noticed something out of the corner of her eye.

“Well I’ll be fucked,” she muttered.

Moments later she joined Dan and Lara outside in what was still rather glorious sunshine.

“Here,” she said, tossing the packet of tomato ketchup flavoured crisps to the man.

“Thanks,” he replied. “So let me get this straight; you’re hot as fuck, hard as fuck, and you know how to make a man happy? Pretty much the full package, aren’t you?”

“You don’t even know the half of it,” she replied, winking as she turned to face Lara, the redhead knowing exactly what was about to happen and as their lips met, their tongues dancing around each other in some kind of erotic limbo, Dan sighed.

“Man, that’s not even funny,” he said, turning away and shaking his head as he lit a cigarette. “That ain’t even funny, Honey. Don’t suppose it’d help if I mentioned I’ve always had a thing for redheads?”

***

The temporal fold opened and arm in arm, Amber and Lara walked through onto the gravel path that led to Dunnottar Castle and immediately noticed that Orca was holding station in the air above the Agency facility. Dan followed the women through and looking up, he fumbled in the pocket of his jeans, pulling out a small communications device.

“Everything all right, Orca?”

“Well I suppose that depends on your definition of the term,” the vessel replied through a crackle of static.

“Is The Black still an issue?”

“Technically not.”

“Technically?”

“Well, it seems that Tituba was able to take care of the entity with surprising ease.”

“I’m not sure I understand where the ‘technically,’ comes into that equation,” said Amber.

“In dealing with The Black, the witch absorbed it, in its entirety, into her being.”

“She possessed?”

“No Sir,” the vessel replied. “She is The Black.”

“Great. This shit ain’t gonna’ end well.”

“Indeed, Sir,” said Orca. “Indeed.”

The transmission ended and Dan turned to Amber. “Next time you go off in search of a witch, you might wanna’ make sure she’s a fuckin’ White Witch.”

“What’s the issue? She can’t be that bad, can she?”

An enormous explosion from the castle drew their attention and they ducked, shielding themselves from an eruption of burning sand and stone. When they looked again Dunnottar Castle was nothing more than a smoking crater atop a cliff and through the cloud of dust and smoke, Tituba was walking quickly towards them.

“Wanna’ bet? Had to fuckin’ ask, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess I really jinxed that one.”

“Not being funny,” said Dan as he turned to Lara, “but anyone who ain’t pretty much immortal or the latest in a long line of totally badass, arse-kicking bitches probably don’t wanna’ be here for this.”

“He’s right, Lara,” said Amber as she gently placed a hand upon the redhead’s arm. “Take the GT500 in the car park and get as far away from here as you can. Trust me, the speeds Harry can manage you’ll get pretty far.”

With a glance towards the oncoming Tituba and a, “fuck!” Lara turned and ran, leaving Dan and Amber to face down the witch alone.

“You know this ain’t gonna’ be no walk in the park, right?”

As Dan spoke, the witch threw a bolt of incredibly powerful Magick but luckily, as both he and Amber somersaulted backwards and out of harm’s way, the only result was that another cloud of dust rose into the air where the thrown Magick struck the ground.

“Reckon you can get close if I draw her fire?” He did not wait for an answer and immediately broke into a sprint, taking a wide arc that theoretically would take him around the witch in a circle. Amber took that as her cue to charge at Tituba but she saw it coming and without taking her eyes from Dan, she threw a bolt of Magick that caught the girl full in the chest, sending her flying several feet through the air and she landed heavily, dangerously close to the minefield that lined the majority of the drive.

“No, Amber...” she muttered as winded, she got to her feet and dusted herself down. “That’s a fucking terrible idea.”

A terrible idea it might have been but short of hitting the witch with a nuclear warhead, which of course she did not have, it was the only idea she had.

She could see that Dan was almost two-thirds around his wide circle and it appeared that Tituba was giving him her full and undivided attention, throwing bolt after bolt of Magick, each hitting the ground in his wake.

“She’s playing with him,” she said. “What a witch!”

Amber dropped to her knees at the edge of the track and took a deep breath before she drove both her fists as deep into the ground as she could.

“I hope to fuck this works,” she muttered as she slowly lifted not only her hands but a section of earth that she guessed housed at least four land mines. With an ungodly scream she doubled her efforts, fighting the burning sensation that ran through her body as each and every single one of her muscles protested.

Like an athlete holding a discus she spun around and around, gaining speed with each revolution until finally with a deep, guttural roar, she flung the great chunk of earth towards Tituba.

It hit home, Amber knew it, yet as she approached yet another crater created by yet another explosion, the witch was in the process of getting to her feet.

“No you fucking don’t,” she muttered, and lunging forwards she grabbed the witch, wrenching her arms up behind her back. Then a yell, “Dan! Open a temporal fold into a fucking star and let’s burn this bitch!”

The fold opened but it was a fair distance away, back towards the minefield, however Amber had no issue when it came to manhandling the witch the majority of the way. When she thought she was close enough she gave a violent push although clearly not violent enough as Tituba stopped a few feet shy and turned, grinning evilly.

“You cannot defeat me!” she boomed. “I am too...”

Too what, Amber never discovered for at that very moment, Harry appeared from around the back of the temporal fold and, with a manoeuvre performed with expert precision, his rear side panel hit the witch and knocked her from her feet, straight through the temporal fold which snapped immediately closed as she passed the event horizon.

“That’ll do,” said Amber with a chuckle. “That’ll do.”

Moments later, she and Dan were beside Harry, and a beaming Lara clambered out from the driver’s side. The two women embraced and for a brief moment their lips joined.

“Yeah, don’t worry about me,” said Dan, wincing in quite obvious pain. “I’m fine.”

“Where did you send her?” Amber asked, breaking the rather enjoyable kiss.

“Don’t matter,” he replied, holding his arm across his torso. “Some Red Dwarf somewhere. All that matters is she’s gone and so’s The Black.”

“Yeah, but so has the Agency,” said Lara, glancing up at where Dunnottar Castle once stood.

“Coulda’ been worse,” said Dan as despite the massive amount of pain he was in, he managed to light a cigarette. “Coulda’ been the whole fuckin’ world.”

“Man’s got a point,” said Amber. “Speaking of the world, we ought to get out of here, lest the authorities get here before we can save it, and start asking some pretty awkward questions.”

“I’ll bring Orca down, pretty sure I’m too fucked to open a temporal fold right now even if I wanted to.”

“We’re not coming with you,” said Amber, squeezing Lara’s hand as it worked its way into her own. “This is our planet, this is where we’re needed and besides, I reckon we’ve got an Agency to rebuild.”

“Whatever you do, do shit right an’ make sure you’re the one in control,” said Dan. “I get what you wanna’ do but trust me, I’ve seen good people turn bad quick as you like.”

“Don’t worry your head about it,” Amber replied, laughing. “Didn’t you hear? I’m Hardcore fuckin’ Honey, bitch.”