Aynsefian

Have we got the wrong mountain? It doesn’t matter. It’s the only one we have, and we’re going for it. We must find that cave entrance. Or perhaps another one instead. I survived last time. I can do it again.

Zarasena stops walking and yells at me. “This isn’t working. We have to run, Axin! Are you feeling up to it?”

If we run, this means she’ll have to let go of me. I hate the thought of that. It is however the only sensible option.

“Yes! We’ll have to!” I yell in return.

Zarasena lets go of me. I feel regret and loss. She didn’t really want to touch me. I just imagined it. I’m being silly. I should forget about any thoughts of romance with her.

“Easier if we run by ourselves!” she yells above the wind. “We can get closer later if need be.”

Desire and joy surges back through me. My heart fills with the most glorious warmth and light. Maybe I can hug her once we’re inside the cave and then I’ll happily die. I’m obsessed and I don’t care that I am. If there’s a cure for this feeling, I want none of it. I want no fixes for what I feel for this woman. It’s intoxicating.

Then I think of Myralin and my desire for her. I still don’t know who she was. Or how I know her. Or why I desired her. She acted like she loved me and was my life mate or girlfriend or something. Thinking of her at this moment puzzles me. I have no answers for the dilemma of wanting something with Zarasena but placing that feeling in the context of my weird attraction to a woman I can’t connect to in my mind. I feel like I’m betraying Miralyn, but I can’t remember her at all other than her name. These thoughts distract me from what I’ve just been feeling for Zarasena. I push them away with some annoyance.

Then those thoughts are all gone, and the focus is on desperate survival. I feel a bit foolish for not staying focussed on what really matters.

We are now running towards the mountain, stumbling over the rocky soil and plant life. The effort and energy required is taxing, but it’s helping warm us up at least a little.

“There!” I shout, looking briefly at Zarasena. I can see a dark spot at the base of the mountain.

It’s not the same dark spot as the previous cave entrance. Or is it? I wish I knew. The changed appearance of the planetary surface and especially the presence of greenery makes it a guess at best.

If it is the same entrance, we’ll find Salvation’s Creek again, hopefully, and then some moss and then we start over, as before. I have to hope that this is what we’ll find.

Zarasena turns to me briefly and returns my hopeful glance with one of her own. I can still recall the blissful feeling of her body against mine. I long for that to return sometime soon.

My hands are numb. I have no pockets in which to put them. My face is numb too. The cold is seriously starting to bother me. I’m worried that it might be too far to get to shelter before we both die of exposure. Zarasena is keeping up with me. She is probably fitter than I am. I will not let her down. I will press on.

A few more minutes and the cave entrance doesn’t seem to be getting closer. I’m worried. But then, slowly it does. Surely it’s the same entrance as before? I wish I could remember. The ground starts sloping upwards, so that the going is harder. I think I remember this from last time. I still don’t know if this is the same mountain.

I want to stop running. My chest is heaving, and in the pit of my lungs the coldness is growing. I wonder if I’m killing myself by inhaling all of this cold air. It is surely well below freezing out here.

Maybe it’s killing Zarasena too. I don’t want that. I definitely do not want that. I’ll try some encouragement, to keep her going.

“Nearly there!” I yell, struggling to get the words out. “Look it’s getting closer!”

She simply nods, her red hair now somewhat matted from perspiration. At least that’s a sign that she’s probably not too cold.

The base of the mountain grows closer. I’m more confident that this really is our cave entrance. Nevertheless, I can’t be sure if it is or not.

If so, it’s an amazing stroke of luck.

The Aynsefians could not have known that I have been here before. Perhaps if they did, they would have sent us somewhere else.

Another thought nags me. Why did they drop us so close to this entrance, knowing we’d most likely find it and head for it? If they truly wanted to kill us, wouldn’t they have put us in the middle of nowhere? This whole scenario is eerily familiar to me.

We scramble up the last of the slope, finally reaching the cave entrance. The wind dies almost immediately. I am breathing heavily. Zarasena is too, and she bends over and puts her hands on her knees. While I’m inhaling deeply, I watch her wavy red hair fall down around her white Aynsefian outfit. I’m no less struck by it’s beauty now than I was when I first saw it framed against that white cotton-like material.

“Are you okay?” I ask, through laboured breathing.

“Uhm, hmm,” she says. It’s nice to not have to yell any more.

It’s warmer in here, but still quite chilly. I wonder if I should go up to her and put my arm around her again, so that we both stay warm. I don’t have the courage. She looks at me for a moment.

I swear she knows what I’m thinking. She probably doesn’t like my lack of courage. That will count against me. I’m not worthy. I turn away and look at the ground next to me, pretending that it’s something I need to do.

“It’s still really cold, isn’t it?” I feel like a fool for stating the obvious. However to my mind it’s the only way to get her to put her arm around me again.

“Yeah,” she responds. I think she’s not interested in me. She’s too casual. I was imagining it all.

“Do you think this is the same entrance?” she asks.

“Not sure,” I reply, glad for the chance to discuss something meaningful. “If it is, the changes due to the different time period have disguised the way it all looks. The surface outside was different too. Did you notice? More grass and shrubby things.”

“I reckon they have a scientific name, those plants. I like ‘shrubby things’, though. It’ll do for now.” Her voices trembles as she speaks from the cold and exertion, but she’s grinning at me. I want to hug her so badly. I turn away. It’s all I can do.

I’m really cold. I know she is too. We may have no choice but to get close, to transfer warmth, so that we keep hypothermia at bay. The thought of actually dying here, in these circumstances, having been banished, is not pleasant. Even if it’s with Zarasena.

Despite my former thoughts of wanting to die in this woman’s arms, I begin to doubt that this is what I truly want.

Maybe we can survive this situation and I can be in her arms in a nicer, warmer place. I just wish I knew if she wanted me or if it’s just another game she’s playing. I no longer believe she means me harm. In fact quite the opposite. What I do know is that I can’t make her want me. She either does or she doesn’t and I have no clue how to find out which it is.

The uncertainty of it all is slowly killing me, more than the cold ever is likely to.

I maintain that asexuality was easier to deal with than this. Much easier. I’m past the point of no return now. I’m consumed by wanting her but devastated by the possibility that she might not want me back. I want this dual state to go away and leave me alone, while at the same time desperately hoping my desires will come true. It’s mentally exhausting.

I’ll try to focus on practicalities instead. Although she’s looking up at me from time to time, Zarasena still has her hands on her knees, drawing deep breaths. It’s clear now that she was doing that run a fair bit harder than I was, yet she never stopped or complained once. My admiration for her rises further. I give her the most adoring of looks, when she has her face turned away from me.

There I go again. Distracted.

Practicalities. I must focus. I’ve done this walk into the cave twice. If this is the same entrance, then Salvation’s Creek is still a few hundred metres further in. That’s a simple task. We’ll go further in.

I hope that she’ll put her arm around me again. I wait a bit longer and she resumes her standing position and looks at me, still breathing somewhat heavily. The exertion of running has removed some of her former joviality. Her present state almost implores me to make the next move.

I can’t do it. I can’t put my arm around her. Stupidly, I instead say “Are you okay to walk further?”

I cringe internally. I’m implying she’s weak. She’d hate that.

She nods. She smiles faintly at me, apparently pleased I asked.

She’s going to have to make the next physical move, though. I simply can’t.

“Let’s head this way then.” I turn away from the cave mouth and peer into the darkness. There is backlight here from the mini sun, presumably, but it’s not enough. We are missing Salvation’s light. There’s no way we can find his creek even if it’s here. The crushing realisation of our dilemma hits home.

We have to walk into the near total darkness and hope we can vaguely find our way to water. At least then we won’t die straight away. After that, I have no idea. It’s feeling pretty desperate. I yearn to see Salvation again and have him save me one more time. I knew he was critical to saving my life before, but never was it quite so clear to me as it is now.

“It’s going to be hard, Zarasena,” I say, gravely. “The last two times I came in here I had Salvation with me. His light helped us see where we were going. Without it, I doubt we’ll get very far. We could trip and fall. I’m getting colder by the minute, as it is. You probably are too. I have to admit to you that I have no idea what to do next.”

We are lost and hopeless. I said it in not so many words.

I know what I’ll do. I’ll spend my last hours, however long they are, by acting on my passions with respect to the woman in front of me. It’ll be a nicer way to go. I don’t care what happens. I’ll risk the consequences.

She looks at me with such sadness that I can barely stand it.

I will go to her. I do. I walk the few steps between us. I put my arms around her and she responds. Hugging her, and having her do the same back to me, like she is, fills me with a joy like I’ve never known before.

I was wrong. I can die this way. I just don’t want to. I want the third option. I want to survive this and still have her in my arms. Our situation is dire, though.

We can’t go out of the cave or we’ll freeze. We can’t go into the cave because we can’t see. We are alone here, and this is it. Aynsefian has killed us. That would hurt more if I wasn’t holding this beautiful woman, and she wasn’t holding me back.