Ashes to Ashes

WHEN WE FINALLY GET OVER TO ALEX’S HOUSE, the prom is in full swing, and honestly, it’s even better than if we’d had it at the Water Club. The white tents and the twinkly lights look elegant, Gatsby-esque even. While Alex goes around saying hello to people, I make my way over to Ash and everybody. We’re exclaiming over each other’s dresses when I spot Kat and Reeve on the dance floor. Reeve’s behind Kat. She’s tucked up against him, she’s leading him by the suspenders, and they’re dancing in sync, laughing their heads off. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him happy. He looks so handsome and full of life. He looks like the old Reeve, and I’m glad. Even though it’s over between us, I still want to know that he’s okay.

I’m stepping onto the edge of the dance floor just as Reeve’s walking off it, sweaty and flushed and out of breath. Smiling. When he sees me, his smile slips.

“Hi,” I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking. I’m scared he’s going to be cutting, or mean, or indifferent. “You look good, Reeve.” I try to say it warmly, kindly, the way an old girlfriend would.

It feels like whole minutes go by before he says, “So do you.”

I lick my lips. They feel very dry. “I’m—I’m glad you came.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to but Kat dragged me here.” Reeve takes a step closer to me, and without thinking I back away from him. He sees me do it, and his eyes go straight to his shoes. We’re standing in the shadows of the trees that surround Alex’s house now. The prom suddenly feels far away. “Can I just say something?”

I’m afraid to say yes. I just look at him.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you at the banquet. It wasn’t right. It was out of line.” Reeve’s looking at me steadily, waiting. “I wanted to tell you about what happened between me and that girl. And you know, what? I should have. It should have come from me, not from Alex or whoever. The only reason I didn’t was because I was scared that if you knew, you wouldn’t want to be with me.” He shoves his hands in his pockets. “Which is exactly what ended up happening, so . . . yeah.”

My eyes fill up. I want to tell him that I knew. That I loved him anyway.

“It’s all right. I’m sorry too—for the way things turned out.” The words come out thin and without conviction. “I would like us to still be friends.”

Reeve shakes his head. “I don’t think I can do that.” He says it so softly, almost a whisper. “I’m sorry, I have to be honest. All night I’m thinking how it was supposed to be you and me. I know you don’t want to hear that. But we were supposed to be at prom together, Cho.”

“Reeve, please. I—”

“I’m never going to not want to be with you. I mean, I still love you, despite all the shit that’s gone down. I would do anything to be with you. So no, I can’t be”—he chokes—“your friend.”

“Reeve,” I whisper. I touch his face. He grabs my hand, holds it tight in his.

“I know why you can’t be with me now. What I did, what people here think of me. I get it. But school’s almost over and in a couple of months, we’ll both be off Jar Island. I’m still going to Graydon in the fall. I’ll be an hour away from BC. I’m not giving up on you. On us.” And then he’s pulling me against him, and his mouth is on mine, and I’m kissing him back. I can’t not be kissing him back. The smell of him, the way he tastes, I’m drowning in it and how right it feels. How good.

Between kisses, he says, “Please. Please find a way to forgive me for what I did. I love you. I love you so much, Lillia.”

It wakes me up.

Mary.

I push him away, my fingers fly to my lips. Oh my God. What have I done? “Don’t ever say that to me,” I gasp.

“Cho, wait—” His arms are reaching for me.

“Don’t ever come near me again.” I turn tail and run, run as fast as I can away from the party, to Alex’s pool house.

I can’t be near Reeve. It’s too dangerous. I won’t go back to school, it’s pretty much over for the seniors anyway. Or . . . or I’ll go to Boston, stay in our family apartment until Reeve leaves for training. Whatever it takes to not be near him.

My purse. I need my purse.

I race into the pool house. I stashed my purse and my coat in Alex’s closet for safekeeping. Outside the sliding glass doors, the music is blasting, and I hear the rest of our senior class shouting and clapping along to the music. Flashing lights from the DJ booth speckle the floor.

I slip out the door and hurry down the path, toward the front of Alex’s house. I’m searching for my car keys when I remember that Alex drove us here. Maybe I’ll call my mom to come and pick me up.

No. What if Reeve tries to find me?

I’ll just walk home.

I’m about to pass through the fence gate when I slam into Alex. Alarmed, he says, “Lil, what’s wrong?”

“I have to get out of here right now.” I’m shaking. “I’m sorry.” I try to push past him and get on the other side of the fence, where the valet guys are all sitting on the hoods of the parked cars lining Alex’s driveway and street.

But Alex won’t let me go. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s going on? Did something happen with Reeve?”

I start to cry. “I don’t want to be near him, Alex. It’s just too much. He makes it so hard for me. He’s outside my house, he’s drunk at the banquet screaming things, he’s telling me he loves me and that he’s never going to let me go. I—I can’t breathe.” I’m gulping for air. Every single day since I made that promise to Mary has been a struggle. How can I live like this? Pushing away the boy I love forever. “Alex, I can’t breathe.”

Alex puts his hands on my shoulders. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Try to take deep breaths, Lil.”

I breathe deep. Raggedly I say, “He won’t let me go. How am I supposed to do this if he won’t let me go?”

Alex’s face changes, and I look over my shoulder. Reeve is standing behind us, valet ticket in his hand, white-faced and wretched. “I’ll never bother you again,” he manages. “You don’t have to worry anymore.” And then he’s gone.

“Oh no,” I whisper. “No, no, no.”

I’m about to run after him when Alex steps in front of me. “Lil, this is just what he wants, to pull you back into his drama. He’s sick. You can’t help him.”

“Alex, you don’t understand.” I’m practically screaming in his face. “It’s not just Reeve. There are other people involved.”

“Lillia! Calm down! Let’s go get Kat. Talk to her.”

Kat.

The spell.

I don’t say anything. I just turn and run back toward prom.