Ashes to Ashes

THE SPORTS BANQUET WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A NIGHT for all of us, but especially for Reeve. He was the star. Just like Rennie was.

I didn’t think he’d show up. I thought for sure that he’d skip it. I hoped he would, because every time I see him, it hurts. But there he is, sitting at the end of the banquet table, wrinkled shirt untucked, sipping from a water bottle. Whatever’s inside, I know it isn’t water. Reeve is drunk. And I have this sinking feeling something bad is going to happen.

I’m at the other end of the banquet table, between Alex and Ash. Alex and I are accidentally matching—I’m in a pale pink silk dress, and he’s in a pink tie. When we saw each other, we laughed.

The girls on the junior squad present us senior girls with roses, per tradition. Coach Christy presents a plaque for Rennie, and all the girls on the squad cry. I do too.

Wiping tears from her eyes, Ash whispers to me, “I can’t believe everything’s about to be over.”

I whisper back, “Me either.”

“I just wish—”

I give her hand a squeeze across the table. “I know.” She doesn’t have to say, because I’m wishing the same thing. That Rennie was here.

Some of the football players get up and make speeches, and everybody cheers. When they call out Reeve as MVP, he doesn’t get up, and my stomach twists in a knot. He acts like he doesn’t even hear. Derek has to pull him up and push him onstage. Oh, Reeve. I’m terrified that he’s going to trip and fall up the steps, but he doesn’t. He accepts the trophy, and as he walks away, he mutters, “This is bullshit,” which the mike picks up. Thank God his parents aren’t here. I bet he didn’t even tell them.

After the awards and speeches, everyone gets into the buffet line. As is the tradition, the PTA moms made lasagnas. Alex offers to get our lasagnas, but I tell him I’m not hungry. I go to the drink table to get our drinks. I’m pouring two lemonades when I feel a tap on the shoulder. I turn and look, and it’s Reeve.

“What up, girl.” His voice slurs on the word “girl.” “Aw, you and Lindy look so cute together tonight.” He waves a hand at my dress. “Did you guys color-coordinate so everyone would know you’re a couple?”

“We’re not a couple.” It comes out quick and defensive, but I can barely look him in the eyes. Not because it isn’t true. It just hurts too much.

“Yeah, right.” He snatches one of my lemonades and takes a swig.

“Sorry, there’s no alcohol in there,” I say.

He waggles his eyebrows at me. “You’re feisty tonight. That’s okay. I like you feisty.”

Taking a shaky breath, I say, “You’re being really belligerent. If you’re going to act like this, you shouldn’t be here. You could get expelled!” I pour myself another lemonade and turn to make sure my parents aren’t seeing this. Thankfully they are deep in conversation with Ash’s mom.

Reeve reaches out and stops me. “So I’m a piece of shit and Lind is your knight in shining armor. That’s already been established. And you know what, you can go off to Boston with the kid, you can wear his fucking varsity jacket, you can even marry him and have perfect mixed babies. But you’re never gonna love him.” His eyes bore into mine. “Not like you do me.”

My body goes hot and then cold, and then back to hot. I open my mouth, but I don’t have any words.

And then Alex appears at my side, flanked by Derek and PJ. To the guys Alex says, “Get him out of here before the teachers see him.”

“You afraid that if you leave Cho alone with me for one second, she’ll come running back to me?” Reeve throws his head back and laughs uproariously. “Alex, man, you gotta get some balls.”

“Let’s bounce,” Derek says, trying to push Reeve toward the door. “The lasagna sucks.”

“Get off me,” Reeve says, shrugging Derek away. People are starting to look. Teachers. Parents.

Desperately I look at PJ and Derek and say, “Please, get him out of here, you guys.”

PJ throws his arm around Reeve and says, “Come on, man. Let’s go outside for a second.”

They’re forcing him out the door when Reeve twists around and calls out, “You know I’m right, Cho.”

I go sit back down at the table, and I don’t look up when he calls my name again. People are looking at us, whispering, which I ignore. Alex sits down next to me, and I start cutting into my lasagna, but my hands are shaking so badly, I can’t cut through. I knew Reeve was going to be upset about the breakup, but this is so much worse than I ever could’ve imagined.

“Lil.”

“Hm?”

“Are you okay?”

“Sure.” I want to run outside and go to Reeve, but I can’t. Mary could be here; she could be watching. I have to play my part.

“Yeah, I’m worried about him too.” Alex sighs heavily. “He’s had a shitty year, that’s for damn sure.”

“I know.” Because of me.

I don’t say the words out loud, but the guilt on my face must give me away, because Alex says, “Don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself. This is a long time coming. Reeve’s got demons, Lil. You can’t do anything for him. He’s gotta face them himself.”