Ashes to Ashes

FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, ALEX IS ALL I THINK about. I have to talk to him. I have to tell him how sorry I am.

I leave my last class a few minutes early, before the bell rings, and I race over to his class and wait outside the door. When Alex walks out, I’m standing there waiting. I feel clammy and dizzy.

His face hardens and he keeps walking. I run up to him and grab his arm. “Alex, please talk to me!”

He jerks out of my grasp. “There’s nothing to talk about.” And then he walks away, and I just stand there, my arms hugging my chest.

I’m still standing in the same place when Reeve appears next to me. “Are you okay?” he asks, putting his hands on my shoulders.

“Yes.”

Reeve looks down the hallway, in the direction where Alex walked. “I’m the dick, not you. I was his best friend. I knew how he felt about you. You’re the only girl he’s ever wanted. There’s a guy code, you know?”

I know, because there’s a girl code too, and I did the same exact thing to Rennie.

Reeve faces me, suddenly anxious. “He’s probably going to try to warn you against me.”

“There’s nothing Alex could tell me about you that would change my mind.”

Reeve nods, but he doesn’t look convinced.

“I know everything there is to know about you!” In a teasing voice I say, “Let’s see, how many girls have there been? Teresa, and Melanie Renfro, and that junior girl Tara, and oh, half the JV cheerleading squad. And who could forget the college girl at the doughnut shop who gave you free doughnuts every morning?”

“Cho, I only ever kissed that girl! And it was only one time, I swear.”

I throw my arms around him and hug him to me tightly. I burrow my head into the space between his neck and his shoulder. I close my eyes and breathe in his smell. I wouldn’t go back on it even if I could. No matter what, I still choose Reeve.

“Everything will be okay,” he says into my hair. “People just need the weekend to get over it. They’ll come around.”

Nadia is waiting in front of my car. “Is it true?” she asks me, her eyes accusing. “Are you and Reeve really together?” When I hesitate, she says, “You were supposed to be her best friend, Lilli!”

It cuts me to the bone.

“The worst part is that I had to find out along with everyone else at school. I’m your sister, Lillia. Don’t you know that’s supposed to count for something?” Her eyes well up. “You could have at least told me.”

I whisper, “I’m sorry. I was scared of what you’d think of me. I want to be someone you can look up to, Nadi. And I guess . . . I guess I thought if you knew, you’d be ashamed of me.”

She doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t have to. She turns and starts to walk away, back toward the school.

“Nadi! Come on! How are you going to get home?”

But she doesn’t come back.