And her name is…

I wake up the next morning to a gentle rap on my door and nearly fall out of the wardrobe. I’m wondering who it could be as I ruffle my bed like I slept there and then run to open the door a little.

“It’s only me,” Nyx assures.

I’m half hiding behind the door, still in my pyjamas, but I move to let her in. Once she’s in I close the door and go to grab my clothes, quickly changing behind the wardrobe door as she mulls about my room.

“Helion went with Ignacio to town for some shit, and asked me to come bring you to breakfast for him.” She rolls her eyes outlandishly and scoffs. “Like it wasn’t my favourite morning thing that hetookfrom me. Pretentious assho … I’m sorry I know you’re kinda seeing him.”

I give her a downward smile. “No, you’re right. I know he’d never lie to me and he thinks I’m beautiful… he’s sweet and he treats me kindly..”

“But..?” She urges, sitting beside me on the bed.

I wince. “He makes me feel like he’s trying to fix me.” I look at her, understanding how I feel only as I say it. “Funny thing is, I’ve broken damn near every bone in my body and I’ve never feltbroken-before…”

She moves in to hug me. “Oh honey pot, you’re not.” I give her a heavy dose of side eye. “I’m teasing,” she assures. “You aren’t,” she says more seriously, “and if he makes you feel anything less than fantastic I’ll… have Tiago kick his ass. You know I’m not a fighter.”

I smile at her because I’m glad to have a friend, even if I was starting to wonder. “I made a mistake, and now I don’t know how to get out of it.”

“Helion is a big boy, he can handle it,” Nyx snaps. “It takes two, and he made a mistake too. He knew better than to..” she huffs and drifts off. “I’m just very disappointed that he made you feel like that. Is the sex at least good?” I feel my cheeks heat for only a second, and when I look at her she starts to laugh. “That bad eh? Awe, I’m sorry honey. Well now I’m glad the prick was busy this morning so we could have this time together. Are you ready to get some breakfast?”

I nod but keep her from getting up. “Before we go… could.. could you please treat my hands again. It’s starting to get hard to hold my book up.” My voice is nervous, hating to ask her to keep using her affinity for me.

She takes my hands in hers and feels them out. “Yea I can feel the bones shifting and joints swelling, but how about I fix them at breakfast. Let Wulfric and Noryth feel guilty as fuck.”

Nyx, never fails to cheer me up.

“You’re the one that gave me hope for Sioga,” I tell her, though I hope she already knows. “I care about you.”

She hugs me again before pulling me up. “I love you too honey pot-” I feel her glance toward my book on the nightstand, -“Bring your book. If you finish it we can go to the library after our walk and get you another.”

I nod again, following her while feeling a little lighter. Everyone else is already through with their breakfast and we take our seats before we remove the covers from our plates. I get so distracted reading that I forget to ask Nyx to heal my hands. Then we walk our trail through the woods and I siphon just a little from all the different plants to rebuild and maintain my strength. We seem to have unconsciously agreed to not talk about Helion on our walk, which doesn’t surprise me. When she doesn’t bring him up my suspicions that he has ears everywhere are affirmed. Still, I’m thinking about him most of the time, and wondering how I’m going to bring up me wanting space from him outside of the ruse. The lie is nearly done anyway, as we’ll be saying goodbye at his house to wait out the journey at Ignacio’s until the horses reach the meet up point.

We make it back to the house in time for lunch, taking an extra long walk and being late to breakfast has our day running behind. With the walk I’m feeling extra sore and Nyx treats my feet after lunch in the library while we look for books. I scoot along the floor to look at all the bottom shelves in the history section, to keep weight off my feet, and take a few that look newer. I scoot over to a chair beside Nyx and stand just long enough to get in it.

“You can read that?” Nyx gasps and I hadn’t even realized the languages of the books I grabbed, just understood the words and taking what interested me.

“Yeah, my mom taught me,” I return simply, hoping she’ll stop with that.

Of course she doesn’t, and glances at another book in my hands. “Your mom taught you the culturally appropriate way to thank someone from Truhaith, read western Raethianandspeak Colianta? I overheard Helion talking to Ignacio after your big party. He said you understood some guys slandering you and he had to ban them from any further business deals because it was so bad… But that’s a city hybrid language. It’s only used in the Sunrise and Sunset channel…. You said you were raised and taken from Darlenten.”

I’m nodding and willing her to believe me. “I’ve never lied to you Nyx. I have been very careful to always tell you the truth because I trust you.”

She resists the urge to smile at the perceived compliment, and I don’t blame her. I know she’s trying to go over everything I’ve said in her mind and remember the exact words I used. Again, I don’t blame her but I can’t help feel the pain in my heart as she leans away from me. I thought the questioning look her and Tiago had the day before hurt, but I’d take that look all day to erase the way Nyx is looking at me now.

“I lived my entire life in that town Nyx. Aside from the very odd time I travelled to anotherhumancity for trade or a hook up… I never crossed the mountains into Sioga territory. My mom taught me everything I know from everything she knew and the few books she had stashed away. She spent most of her life studying before she had me, and spent the rest of her life teaching. There’s only one language I’m not fluent in.” I’ve reached out to touch her hand and pray she doesn’t pull away, which she doesn’t and it gives me hope.

She nods with understanding and I know she’s assumed the wrong answer. I thought maybe she could sense what I am with her medical affinity the same way she knew I was full Sioga, but now I’m less sure. I think she may be as in the dark about my origin as Tiago. Honestly, that isn’t as in the dark as I would like them to be, but I’m more surprised that Triennia hasn’t told anyone. Nyx is looking over my books again, and this time I more openly let her because I know she wont find the language that would give me away. It would be incredibly unlikely to find anything written in Orthoirian outside of Orthoire, but especially in a library as small as this one.

“You’ve been trying to fill yourself in on what’s happened since your mom left,” she gathers.

It isn’t a stretch for her to guess that. All of the books that I’m holding are relatively recent publications. Even if they weren’t obviously less worn, I’m sure she’s glanced at every book in this room at least twice. I had thought this library was large compared to the ones back home, that is until I went to the one in Helion’s home and realized how small my world view really is. His library is nearly three stories and very open. There is never not someone in there and it makes it a lot more difficult for me to read books in other languages, as his observant servants would likely notice. I had already been caught twice and had to play it off like I had just grabbed some with pretty covers without looking at the writing. They seemed to think I was stupid enough for that to be possible.

“Yes. I don’t like surprises, and if there are any feuds or alliances…” She looks at me disbelievingly and I sigh. “I want to see if she’s mentioned,” I say more quietly.

“Was she.. important?” Nyx asks carefully.

I look around us and though we’re alone I still don’t trust the space. “Who’s mother isn’t important to them,” I return, but Nyx gathers what I mean.

“What about your dad?” She asks and I visibly flinch.

“I know far too much about my biological father.” The shortness of my tone has her nodding in some form of understanding.

“What happened to your mom?” She asks softly, reacting to touch my hand and despite my desire to pull away from her and this topic I stay still, just happy she doesn’t hate me yet

I sigh. “She and my dad made a vow, until death should they part, but she couldn’t live a day without him.”

The memory of that day drifts through my mind like the voice. It’s a secret I’ll take to my grave because my mother was my hero, a person I strived everyday to be more like, but she had no business asking of me what she did. In that one final request she assured that I could never be like her. I both understand with all of my heart why she asked of me what she did, and resent her every day for it. The only blessing in it all, is she has no idea how that final request broke me, changed me, and woke me up.

I look back to Nyx as my thoughts drift away and I can see her thinking. I’m sure she’s wondering what my mom, a Sioga, could have possibly done to assure she died with a human partner. She’ll never correctly guess what happened, and I feel some relief with that. I give her a minute before I open my book, cracking the spine accidentally. Apparently this one is new enough to have not been read much yet.

“The details aren’t important now, but she is dead and that happened long before my home was invaded.” My voice is soft as I start to read, reflecting subconsciously on how glad I am that I hid away my history.

My home had no pictures of my parents on display, not after they died, and all of my mom’s books were hidden in a hollow space under the shelf containing the pots. I don’t know what led me to be so secretive when the whole town knew about me, but I suppose the betrayal I felt from my mom left me with little trust for anyone else.

“Why do I feel like you’ve been torturing yourself long before what Kheliq did to you?” Nyx asks, but I hear the warble in her voice.

When I look to her she’s softly crying, like the day I told her she didn’t need to heal me perfectly on our walk. “You see far more than you need to,” I return gently. “Don’t look to confirm things unless you know what you want to do with that information.”

-

We read together for hours and she checks on my feet before we head to dinner.Ignacio is back but Helion went home to deal with something. I wasn’t honestly listening to Ignacio as he went into details about it all. Honestly, as soon as he started telling me more than I asked for I was sure he was lying. The actual lie matters less than the fact that he did it, so I waited for him to finish speaking before acknowledging him.

“Oh, is he now?” I said sweetly and he doubled down.Wrong move.

I found enough books in the library to keep me occupied for the evening and went to bed late as always. I’ve been starting to loath seeing the wardrobe, but each night I try to read myself into oblivion and fall asleep in the bed I just find myself still awake at two in the morning. Then I inevitably retreat to the cupboard just to get some sleep.

This night I fully expect what nightmare will come, but I’m still not ready for it. I wake up several times but each time I close my eyes it continues from right where it left off. When I wake up it’s not to my screams like normal. Instead I wake up with tear stained cheeks and a pit in my stomach, all over remembering the last time I held my mother.