And her name is…

After dressing myself warmly I also wrapped a blanket over my shoulders and head to the back of the house nearest the woods Vera approved.Feed. I don’t see anyone along the way and rebundle myself before exiting the building.

The air is harsh down my lungs and the wind is painful against my face. I consider turning back but I know I can’t.Hungry.The voice in the back of my head is demanding and I need to address it the way I used to. Before I can do that, I need to find a safe place far away from others… something I’m not sure I can do with how my feet ache.

“Where you going fighter?”

I jump, my feet sliding in the snow, and turn to see Tiago. He’s clearly been following me and witnessed me assessing the paths and debating which way would have less people. Still, my heart is racing at the surprise encounter and I take several big calming breaths.

I can’t believe I was so unaware.

“I need to go for a walk,” I say, though that much is obvious.

“Your magic is starving, isn’t it?” He says it so plainly that I stare at him in a soundless question. “I told you I knew someone with an affinity like yours, remember? And you saidneed,not want.”

I nod and step away from him. “Yes. I’ll likely be gone through lunch so I won’t be working out with you today.”

He hums in thought before asking. “Why so long?”

I sigh. “I wasn’t planning on telling anyone.”

“Please. It’s me. Who among this lot do I talk to, other than Nyx and it’sNyx.”

“True… fine.” I take a big breath. “I need to be away from people when I let my affinity loose incase I lose control, so I need to walk quite far away, and then I’ll need to meditate for at least an hour.” I don’t know why I say ‘meditate’ when I think we both know I’ll be siphoning everything in reach.

Tiago is thoughtful. “Let it loose?”

“Control limits my abilities. When I lose control, I’m much more powerful, but each time I lose control unintentionally it’s harder to rein back in,” I admit. “But it’s different when I do it on purpose.”

“I got you,”’ Tiago says confidently before reaching to take my hand and then we are in a thick area of woods and the house is no where I’m sight. “We’re about an hour by horse from the house,” he informs me. “How far do I need to be from you?”

I consider this. “Quite far. I’d say 5 km at least, but if you start feeling hunger or dread I’d go another 2km away.”

He nods and smiles at me. “I’ll be there.Screamif you’re in any sort of trouble.”

I get my own feeling of dread and grab his hand before he can go. “Do not come if I scream. I could try anything to get you back..”

He seems to understand and vanishes the minute I release his hand. I slowly blow a breath out and watch it turn to look like smoke in the cold air. My magic has always been powerful, and my mom told me she felt a constant drain on her energy while pregnant with me. I was an unhappy baby, and an anxious child, but the minute I could talk so could the voice in my head and we developed an understanding. I believe the voice is my affinity personified through my understanding of myself and my magic, which makes sense as it disappeared when I was too weak to wield magic.

Now, my head is busy with the demands of my magic and I take off the blanket I’m wearing to sit on it under a tree where there is no snow. I lean my back against the tree and continued my intentional deep breathing. Once I’ve settled some of my anxiety I let up the rein on my magic a little to send out a warning to any creatures nearby. Anything that remains won’t be alive much longer, and I try to keep some focus on the tree. I can take a lot from these trees with their size, but if I suddenly leave a big bare circle of forest people might have questions.

Like when my first escape failed, and anytime I’ve gotten too emotional, I have to lose authority over myself to reach any life energy that I’m not directly touching. Every time that I’ve ruined something in the house, or when my magic has snaked across a surface to drain something farther away I’ve only distantly been aware of what was happening. None of those times had I consciously thought about what I was doing, but the thought was there lingering in the back of my mind where the voice comes from. In some part of my mind Iwantedthem to be scared of me when they told me about Kheliq taking my friends, and I alsowantedNorth to be at least seriously injured.

I shake out my shoulders and try to focus my senses on that place in my mind. I feel my eyes glowing as the hue of my environment gets sharper and lighter. Finally, I rest my hands on the ground like I’m listening for the heartbeat of the earth.

Come on out, this is your chance to play.

I feel a rush under my skin like a breeze rolling through my veins.Yyeess.I feel like I’m falling asleep after a cup of coffee and a brisk run.Time to feed.I feel like my blanket on the ground is my tapestry and it extends around me in every direction for as far as I can sense.Gimme gimme gimme.

I focused on breathing, just breathing, to keep one foot in the driver seat of my mind. Meanwhile, I can feel my affinity pulling the fibres of life from everything around us. They were collected in that ‘gimme’ movement, similar to a dragon pulling in their hoard to form a nest. Shrubs, trees, mammals and birds all lost energy around us, the small dying first and the larger the source of energy was, the higher was its chances of survival. I easily lost track of time but didn’t attempt diverting focus from breathing to open my eyes until an especially cold breeze came over me.

As strong as I can be, hypothermia is hypothermia.

It is time to contact Tiago and leave.This time, I agree.I pushed my way through the open door with another deep breath and I feel my affinity settle in my mind like a satiated, preening cat. Once I gathered full control I stood up and shook my blanket out. My energy level is feeling incredible and I can’t help smiling. I start towards the direction he pointed the house to be in before calling out to him and saying I’m heading back. I couldn’t have thought of a code phrase, my affinity being me would know it as well, but I hope he will see me on route and join me.

I feel like every breath I take is a little lighter than the last and I don’t think I’ve felt this good in ages.We needed this.

We did.

I’ve been walking for about twenty minutes when Tiago comes out of the trees beside me. “You good fighter?”

I nod, still grinning. “I’m good.”

He visibly relaxes. “No one needs to know,” he continues softly but when I look at him he doesn’t return my look, just continuing to walk beside me. “I’m certainly not going to tell.”

His voice is firm and something about it makes me want to cry. “Tiago? Are you mad at me?”

In a second he had my arm and we were transported back to the house, standing in my room. He releases my arm and starts pacing back and forth.Heismad.My anxiety builds as I watch him walk back and forth.

“Tiago?”

He turns to me running his hands through his hair. “You’ve been holding back. That out there was power like I’ve never felt it! I’m willing to bet that is strength worthy of the deities! You could take out an entire army like that or have everyone in this house ready to work foryou.So, why don’t you use it?”

“It’s too easy!” I bark back. “I don’t feel the life I’m taking, don’t notice what I destroy around me, and I don’t care who is around. My affinity will take over and feed until I’m full, except my magic will grow in strength ahead of my ability to control it.” I will him to understand because I have been arguing these points with myself for six years and if he can’t understand I don’t know how much longer I can convince myself. “I lived so passively that I didn’t train myself to be more. I found what worked and stuck to that. Now I’m over one hundred and my affinity is capable of so much more than I can handle. If I don’t keep myself grounded I will be overcome with it and I don’t think I will ever get control back.”

He looks at me with… pity. I know why. I might as well be called sloth for that is my greatest sin. If I had cared more about my own advancement I might have never ended up where I am. A lot of people might not be where they are if I had been stronger.

“Fighter…” he trails off and rests a hand on my shoulder before sighing deeply. “I did as you suggested, moving 5km away, but after a few minutes I could see animals dropping in front of me. I kept backing up and backing up but your area kept growing. You – are – so – strong. But you were so sheltered to the cruelty of the world in your small town. The ways of Kheliq are not standard here, but he is among the worst of us.”

He shook his head and removed his hand from my arm. “You could rule over everyone, but I do feel better. With power like that I know you can kill Kheliq and live.”

I smirk at him but don’t correct him. There’s no reason to upset him with the truth. The snow on our boots is melting onto the floor with the silence between us. I need to be the one to say something but I don’t know what to say. If I’m honest with myself, the hum of energy has awoken certain desire within me, something I shouldn’t go to Tiago to full fill.

“Thank you for taking me into the woods,” I say finally. “If I had been closer to the house… I don’t know what could have happened, but it could have been a lot worse if people were involved. You saved a lot of people today.”

He shakes his head. “I wasn’t thinking about others when I offered, I was thinking about you. The offer stands…” he starts hesitantly but sighs. “It does. You need to do that again, you tell me. I’ll get you as far away as you need.”

“Thank you Tiago, you don’t..”

“Don’t mention it. An affinity like yours is a terrible burden that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s the kind of affinity people get killed for having, but I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

“I’m sure my mom debated killing me when I was born, but ultimately she hoped teaching me everything she could would keep me on the good side of evil…” I trail off, knowing I should just ask. “…Do I need to keep my distance from you?”

He was avoiding my eyes but now he’s looking at me directly at it’s all seriousness. “Unless you give me a reason to believe you’re better off dead, we have no quarrel.”

“Iambetter off dead,” I return easily, but he doesn’t take me seriously.

That won’t be a task he’ll need to carry out.