All or Nothing: A Love by Design Novel

After a room service breakfast of fragrant local Kona coffee and delicious pineapple tarts, I changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top. Emmy and I had plans while the guys worked. I leaned over and planted a kiss on Braydon’s mouth as he sat in a lounge chair on our lanai. “I’m meeting Emmy for pedicures. I’ll see you after lunch?”

His hand found my hip and he pulled me closer for another kiss, like he wasn’t ready to say good-bye just yet. Even though we’d made love last night and this morning. Things were starting to feel more solid between us, and to say I liked it would’ve been a giant understatement. “Mmm,” he confirmed, his mouth refusing to leave mine.

“Good luck today.”

He patted my butt and released his hold. “Have fun with Emmy and make sure you charge your pedicure to my room. I want to treat you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I know. I want to. Now go, have fun.” He patted my butt and sent me on my way.

After a morning of having my feet scrubbed and my toes polished, Emmy and I ate lunch by the pool and flipped through gossip magazines. We sunned ourselves while sipping frozen fruity concoctions. It was absolute perfection. I loved that we were comfortable enough that we didn’t need to fill the silence with mindless chatter. We just laid back, basked in the relaxing sounds of the waves crashing, and took in the sun’s warming rays. I couldn’t quite believe this was my life. I was here, on the island of Maui, with my bestie and our men, who were two of the world’s top male models. It was kind of crazy.

By three o’clock we were all sunned out and in need of some shade and a shower to rinse off the sweat and suntan lotion. Plus, we figured the guys would be back from their shoot by now, and though neither of us admitted it, I think we both missed them. Lord help me, it’d only been a handful of hours since I’d last seen Braydon, and I already craved more. I was thankful he’d invited me, and that I’d let my stubbornness go and followed him here.

Braydon returned to the room when I was in the shower. At first I feared it was housekeeping, but I heard his deep, sexy voice calling out for his kitten and I beamed. He was back. “In here, lover,” I called.

The bathroom door opened and a cloud of steam escaped, revealing my beautiful man standing before me in just a pair of baby blue board shorts slung low on his hips. Heaven help me. My eyes slid from his rock-hard chest to his defined abs to the fine trail of hair disappearing under the waistband of his shorts. He looked edible. And judging by the adorable smirk tugging up his full mouth, he knew it. “Care for some company?” he asked.

Without waiting for my response, Braydon’s hands found the tie holding up his trunks and gave it a tug, releasing the knot. I swallowed heavily, captivated by his beauty and breathless to see all of him revealed. Treating me to a warm chuckle that I felt vibrate against my skin, Braydon let the swim trunks fall down his legs and stepped out of them. He was already semi-erect, and I fought the urge to reach out and touch him as he entered the glass-enclosed shower built for two.

“How was your day?” he asked, taking me into his arms. I rested my head against his chest and exhaled slowly.

“Perfect. Especially now that you’re back. How did your shoot go?”

“Fine. Nothing too exciting. We were in a eucalyptus forest, though. It smelled fantastic. You would have liked it.” Braydon grabbed the body wash and began lathering up my back as I leaned against his solid chest. And soon our innocent shower time turned into something much more fun.

We made love in the shower until the water started to run cold and then escaped, giggling, teeth chattering, into the warmth of our big, fluffy bed.

We remained there for the rest of the afternoon, talking, touching, and kissing, and while most of me felt happy and complete, part of me feared this would all come to an end. Did Braydon feel these things, too?

As the afternoon sun fell away, we still had no desire to move from our warm nest. In the dim light, Braydon watched me for some time. I fought to keep my expression neutral, to ease the worry lines from my forehead, but I could tell he knew something was different. Something had changed between us. I blinked and looked down, toying with the edge of the blanket I’d pulled up to shield my naked body.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, his voice a low, throaty rasp in the darkness.

I swallowed the nervous tension in my throat. “Fine,” I lied. “Just tired.”

A slow smile overtook his face. “I wore you out, huh?”

I nodded. “Something like that.” He didn’t need to know the truth. Hell, I didn’t even want to face it. I was falling hard for this man. This man who’d made it abundantly clear that he and I were only about the physical. And I’d agreed. I had no one but myself to blame for this beautiful mess I was in.

“Come here.” He opened his arms for me to come closer and I obeyed, nestling against his warm body.

We were all wrong for each other, but I fought to quiet my brain and just let him hold me. When he was gentle like this, it was all I could do to fold my body into his and just let him soothe me. He had a way with me that no one else did. His clean, masculine scent, the way my head nestled so perfectly under his chin with our exaggerated differences in height . . . it was all too perfect. And that scared the ever-loving shit out of me.

Strong muscles enveloped me as Braydon’s arms closed around me. We fit together too perfectly. It was impossible not to notice. My sick little brain grasped on to that fact and refused to let go.

“You feel so perfect in my arms, kitten.” I relaxed into him at his sweet admission. At least I wasn’t the only one who noticed. His large palm slid down my hip and cupped my bottom, his gentle caresses becoming less and less innocent. I felt his thick length nudge at my thigh as he hardened. “It’s crazy how badly I want you,” he whispered.

I loved knowing I affected him, even if it was just physical. I let myself sink into him, taking all I could get of my sweet nothing.

• • •

The next three days passed in much the same way. Braydon and I hung out in our room, and when he went to work Emmy and I hit the beach. My skin was developing a nice golden hue, and each day I looked forward to Braydon’s return. We hadn’t had time for sightseeing or excursions, and to my disappointment, we hadn’t even gone out for a proper dinner together. I hadn’t been able to wear any of the cute sundresses I’d brought or explore any of the resort’s many restaurants. He ordered in every meal, insisting on room service and that we eat either out on our lanai or in the living room of the suite. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

As I sat waiting for Braydon to return from his business dinner with the photographer and designer, I became more and more wound up. Emmy had confirmed that she and Ben were at the same dinner, even though Braydon had made it sound like it’d be some dull thing he had to do for work. Why didn’t he just bring me along as a friend? Why was every little thing so difficult with him? I shared my time, my body, my apartment, everything I had, and he couldn’t share the simplest of things with me. I gave him a mile and he struggled to give me an inch. It was beyond infuriating. I was starting to feel like he was hiding me out in this hotel room, placating me with food and sex. It wasn’t nearly enough. My temper raged the more and more I sat pondering it.

By the time he arrived back at the room, I was livid, and I was ready to let him have it. I didn’t move from the couch, didn’t even look up when he entered the hotel room. The TV was off, as were the lights. I was just sitting there in the dark, stewing over this one-sided relationship I’d built up in my head.

“Ellie?” he asked, his tone unsure and worried. He crossed the room and turned on a lamp. Good. He knew something was wrong. Maybe he even regretted his actions. Yeah right, but a girl could hope.

“Is everything okay?” He sat down beside me.

No. In fact nothing was okay. I was good enough to fuck, but not good enough to even take outside. “Did you have a nice dinner?”

His blue eyes squinted at mine. “Yeah. It was fine. Is that what this is about? Me going to dinner?”

He made it sound so trivial, but it was so much more than that to me. I wouldn’t deny how I felt. “I feel hidden away in this room—stashed and out of sight like your luggage or dirty laundry. I just expected we’d spend more time together—on the beach, going out . . . I don’t, doing couple stuff. Stupid of me, huh?” This was it. The final straw. It was one thing to have a mutually beneficial sexual relationship, but it was quite another to feel used and cast aside by a man I was giving myself to completely. I didn’t care what he’d said—it was more than just physical between us, and if he couldn’t see that, he wasn’t worth his weight in salt.

With my heart sinking lower in my chest, I released a heavy sigh. How did I let this happen? How could I have been so foolish? I wanted to be the one who cooked for him, who rubbed his back, played with his hair, and listened to all the nonsense about his day. I wanted to be his somebody, his plus one. But he was keeping me at a distance.

His inability to commit, his indecisive nature, the fact that he wouldn’t even take me for a simple dinner, all meant I shouldn’t be falling for him. He was all wrong for me. I hated how broken he was. I couldn’t take any more of this. I was left to feel lonely and exhausted. Each time we’d shared a playful laugh, each time his mouth quirked up when I put him in his place, I’d fallen for him a little harder. And let’s not even get started on the responses he evoked from my body. Things in that category were downright explosive.

He pressed his fingertips against his temples and let out a heavy sigh. “You know I don’t mean to make you feel like that. It’s just . . .” he hesitated.

“Yeah, I know. You won’t go out in public with me—in New York and here—and you won’t date me or commit to a relationship. Yet you expect me to be faithful and monogamous, right?”

He looked down at the floor, unable to argue.

A hollow feeling filled my chest. I hated how much faith I’d put in him. I’d constantly believed he was on the verge of doing the right thing . . . but I’d given him way too much credit. I’d swallowed every reservation I’d had about entering into this arrangement with him, but I couldn’t do that anymore. I couldn’t put my faith in something so shallow. And that’s what this was. A hollow, meaningless affair.

I rose to my feet and stood before him. “I deserve to be more than just a wet hole to stick your . . .” I paused, fighting to compose myself. “I’m more than just BFFs with your penis,” I blurted, unable to keep the raw emotion from my voice.

“Of course you are.” He stood and smoothed his hands up and down my upper arms. “What are you talking about?”

I shrugged away from his touch. His hands on my skin wouldn’t help me right now. I needed to be thinking clearly. I needed to get some answers from him about where we stood. I thought we’d been building to something more—starting with him asking me to come on this trip with him—but clearly we were no longer on the same page.

He crossed his arms over his chest and studied me objectively, sizing me up. “Despite this arrangement, we’re friends, right?”

“Friends who fuck . . .” I clarified, my tone bitter and harsh.

His jaw tightened. I sensed that he understood he was digging himself into a deeper hole with every word. “What do you want, kitten?”

“I’ve never been to your apartment. We’ve never been out together on a date . . .” And now you’re hiding me in your hotel room like you’re afraid of being seen with me, even though we’re thousands of miles from home.

He scrubbed his hands across his face. “I’m sorry. I should have known this would lead to real feelings. Fuck.” He squeezed his eyes closed and pressed his fingers to his temples.

“I’m sorry this is so fucking hard for you to figure out, Braydon. Let me spell it out for you. I like you and I want more.” I swallowed heavily, having laid myself bare. Adrenaline shot through my veins, warming me and making my hands shake. The ball was in his court. And that terrified me.

He looked down at the floor and licked his lips. “Nothing’s changed for me. I told you from the beginning I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. I made that very clear. I thought I was honest with you . . .”

“You own me,” I whispered, my voice broken and raspy.

“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t see the way you look at me? I never meant for this to happen.”

“For what?”

“Real feelings. You getting hurt. I feel like an asshole, Ellie.”

“I’m sorry me falling for you is such a hardship for you.” I wanted to say loving you, but I held my tongue. I couldn’t say it. Couldn’t put that out there when I knew I’d get so little in return.

“You don’t understand my past.” Angry hands tore through his hair. “Fuck, this is complicated. I just never wanted you to get hurt. I hope you believe that.”

I didn’t know what to believe anymore. I heaved a breath inward. Tears burned my vision, but I didn’t want to break down in front of him. Our easygoing banter had left the building, and this moment was more real than any we’d had before. Maybe I’d misjudged everything. There wasn’t anything real between us but sex. And I’d allowed myself to fall for him like a fucking moron. I crossed the room to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. The tears were coming, and there would be no stopping them.

Locking the bathroom door behind me, I pressed my hands against the cool marble surface of the countertop and hung my head. It had been a mistake to come here. I’d used up my hard-earned vacation time, spent two thousand dollars—my entire savings—on the airline ticket. I’d put everything on the line, had given myself to him completely, and what had I gotten in return? A body imprinted with the memory of sex with Braydon in every possible position so it’d be impossible to forget him.

I heard the hotel room door close with a thud. He had left. Just fucking fantastic. We weren’t even going to discuss this like adults. I splashed cool water on my face, my sadness giving way to anger. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I gave myself a much-needed pep talk. I decided then and there that I wouldn’t allow myself to continue this arrangement. It wasn’t healthy for me. He wasn’t healthy for me. And if I wasn’t going to continue this, I had no business in this hotel room with him. I considered for a moment going to Ben and Emmy’s room, but knew that Braydon would come and find me and that all three of them would talk me into returning to his room. He had that power over me, to make me forget myself and give everything over to our shared chemistry. I couldn’t allow that to happen. The only choice I had was to get the hell off this island.

I stormed from the bathroom, renewing my strength, and began hastily packing my suitcase. I would be gone before he came back from his walk, or wherever he’d gone. Screw him. I wasn’t a doormat, and I wouldn’t be used like one. I needed to get the fuck off this island.