All He’ll Ever Be (Merciless World Series Book 1)

I haven’t left the hideaway room in … I don’t know how long.

The pearls are still on my pillow, where I left them. Both the strand of pearls Carter gave me this morning, and the loose pearls and diamonds I retrieved from the box in his office. He left me standing there, knowing we were broken beyond repair. And I did my best to clean it up. Picking up the evidence of my broken collar all while hot tears slid down my cheeks and fell into the box where I lay only a week ago.

I know the pain of a love being over. It’s an undeniable feeling that stretches out slowly through each limb and finger. It’s numbing, yet unforgivingly sharp.

My chest heaved with each sob until I fell to the floor.

Love isn’t enough, and that’s the worst thing in the whole world. Love is supposed to conquer all. It’s supposed to persevere. Instead all it’s done is caused us both unbearable pain. A pain I would do anything not to feel ever again.

I’ve lain in the makeshift bed, a pile of pillows on top of the plush rug, warring with myself. I’ve thought every possible situation through. Ranging from walking into the cell willingly and locking it behind me until it’s all over, to telling Carter I’d kill my father and Nikolai with my own two hands.

And I hate the woman in each scenario. I despise her. And I also know I would never be able to live with myself. I would simply be waiting until the day I died. Living each moment with a resentment toward Carter that I don’t think I could hide.

Fate is cruel, and this world is colder than I ever imagined.

My body is sore and it takes a moment when I stand up to begin to move. I haven’t had anything to drink or eat in … I don’t know how long. I’m dizzy and there’s a pounding in my temple that won’t quit.

I move slowly to the kitchen, listening to my bare feet pad softly on the floor and breathing in and out as deeply as I can. A cup of coffee is what I’m after, a piping hot cup that’s mostly sugar and cream. I only need the coffee for the caffeine. But what I get are the sounds of Addison and Daniel carrying from the kitchen to the hallway.

I stop just outside the doorway, listening to Addison tell Daniel how she’ll never leave him again.

“You promise?” Daniel’s voice is soothing and there’s a smile that’s hidden in his voice; I can see in my mind the exact smile that would play at his lips.

“I don’t want to run away anymore.” Addison’s voice is nothing but sincere. “Nothing will come between us, Daniel. If we can make it through that…”

My cheek rests on the outside of the doorway as I listen to them, feeling the love between them that’s always been there.

I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy and to wish it were that easy for Carter and me.

“Then marry me.” Daniel’s response makes my eyes widen and suddenly I feel like an intruder. Not at all like a friend or family. I’m only an eavesdropper who needs to go away and not stain their memory, even if they don’t realize it.

Her voice is soft as she tells him yes between quick kisses I can hear even as I push away from the doorway. Turning around, I feel nothing and everything all at once. Jealousy and happiness. Emptiness from knowing I’ll never have what they share, and a sense of completion for accepting it.

Is this what it feels like to completely break down?

With a single deep breath, my eyes closed and my muscles tight, I take a step forward only to be hit by the heat of a hard body as I walk forward.

My pulse quickens when I open my eyes.

“Lost?” Carter’s voice isn’t muted like my footsteps were, and I can hear Addison and Daniel come out from the kitchen and into the doorway to the hall.

My body’s stiff, and it takes a moment for me to even gather the courage to look over my shoulder at them.

I don’t belong here. It’s never been more apparent to me. I shouldn’t be here.

“Aria,” Addison’s quick to call out for me, but I can’t even stand to look at her knowing we couldn’t be any further apart in what we’re feeling right now. She doesn’t need me dragging her down, ruining this special moment for her, and there’s nothing she can give me in this moment that I would accept.

“I’m good,” I say and barely turn to look over my shoulder at the only friend I have in here. With my hand raised, she stops where she is. “Please.” The single word is a plea for her to leave me alone, and she listens.

Stepping around Carter, I leave them as quick as I can. I only glance back once to see Daniel holding Addison’s wrist as she stares at me with tears in her eyes. Carter’s gone; where to? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I’ve never felt so torn in my life.

I knew life would never be easy for me. Not with the man my father is. But I never imagined I’d fall in love with the enemy. So much so that I would be here with him, willingly, while my family mourns deaths committed by his hand. Or that I would be mourning the loss of a love that never should have been.

So what does that make me?

Who does that make me?